Kel-Bell's Hell

Honey Do List

2012-02-09T13:51:00.001-05:00

Normally, the "Honey" in "Honey Do" is the husband/boyfriend/etc, but in this case, it's myself. I literally made a chore chart and hung it on the fridge so that I could make sure I get everything done that I want/need to get done in a week. It doesn't include extras, like lunch out with my friends or shopping, but it's actual chores and other tasks that I really feel I have to do: Kitchen, Bathroom, Laundry, Vacuum, 30 min 4x/week on the Wii Fit, Drink 6-8 glasses of water daily, Write a Blog Post 2x/week, Project with 4L3x/week, Bake 1-2x/week, and Read books with 4L3-4/week (he's a little too young to pay attention for very often!). So far the chart has worked, cuz I love seeing all those check marks... except I keep failing to post in the blog. This short post is going to have to count though because 4L is crying and needs to nap. I WILL post more later!

2012-01-09T03:31:00.000-05:00

Can't sleep. Thinking about money. Thanks to bullshit insurance at Poke's job, we went from paying about $115/mo for him & 4L to paying over $300. On top of that, there's no such thing as a copay - we have to pay 100% of *everything* until we reach $2500 deductible for EACH of them, which will happen, but not til 5 of each refill on Poke's necessary diabetes medications (which run over $250 for each). Meanwhile, he didn't get the raise he was supposed to get, didn't get a holiday bonus, and now we have a car payment that we didn't have before. I feel guilty, but even if I had gone back to work, literally 99% of my income would be going to 4L's day care. When we planned this sahm thing, everything was in place. We could easily afford it, and even allotted for the cost of 4L. Now, even with WIC, we aren't making it. We only go out once a month, we don't drink or smoke, we don't even eat out but maybe once or twice a month.

I use so many coupons and sales on top of getting WIC, and I don't know what to do to save more money. We got a statement from AEP this week stating that, at 800 watts or whatever, our household is in the "good" range for use of electricity. The average is 1800. I'd say we're fucking excellent, thank you. Our electric bill is, on average, less than the average bill of the average household from 2008, when prices were 30% lower than they are now. I rule at conserving. The thermostat is set at 63-65 degrees, the lights are almost all on timers, and we live in the dark. Our gas bill is low too - same as the electric, rarely above $60. Our mortgage is less than $750, cheaper than many two bedroom apartments in central Ohio, and that figure includes taxes and insurance. The only thing we have that we could get rid of is the cable, and I'm trying to keep the entertainment alive by switching to DirectTv. Unfortunately, when they came out to install it, they said we have too many trees to get a signal. They're sending out a supervisor for a second opinion, but I'm sure he will say the same thing. So, instead of lowering our bill by $40, it will stay the same. I could just cancel the cable, go to basic and keep the internet, but then I would probably lose my mind being at home all day because 5.5 month old babies aren't really the most enthralling thing to watch 16 hours a day. Maybe getting rid of the cable would help me get rid of my fat because I'd be forced to go do stuff. That being said, losing this fat would increase our electric/gas bills because I'd lose all my insulation. Catch 22.

This health insurance thing has really fucked us over. The monthly expenses are increased by $900, however, the income has gone down by $250. Isn't that fucking amazing?! No wonder I can't sleep. FML.

The stupid Tupperware thing didn't work out, so I feel dumb about that because I didn't even make back the $120 I spent on the kit. Granted, I got $500 worth of product for $120, but I could have done without that stuff. I don't know how that lady makes her money- and she makes it look so easy to do! I am just NOT a salesperson. I literally could not sell a heater to an eskimo.

If I could make money singing, or typing, or eating, or sitting on a couch, or staying awake when I should be sleeping - then we would be in business. I could even make a living drinking beer! Alas, no such careers present themselves to me. I told Poke the other day that we need to have a bunch more kids because the more kids you have, the more you get back at tax time. Fuck my credit, let all the bills go to collections. No big deal.

I work at the Culinary Institute four days a month, which is all they will allow. The majority of my paycheck is supposed to go to my student loans, which is why they employ me. I will have about $100 extra per month, which will go to my life/critical illness insurance, the Dispatch subscription, the Lane Bryant credit card, and church envelopes. My friend's aunt suggested in-home daycare, but I would have to pay for all the licenses and stuff, somehow get business, and let strangers and their strange, gross kids into my house. Not going to happen.

All in all, I am completely lost.

Justin Bieber 2011 Macy's Black Friday commercial

2011-11-24T12:54:00.000-05:00

Justin Bieber 2011 Macy's Black Friday commercial

HILARIOUS!!

Wait, wait... I never had a chance to love you...

2011-11-14T10:03:00.001-05:00

Ok, so the title of this post may be a little dramatic. I'm just struggling right now with some things, and I feel like life is flying by while I hang on by a thread.

1) 4L is growing so fast! Too fast! He's almost four months (only 4 days til his 4 month mark) and he's already rolling over, grasping, wanting real food, drooling like a puppy, and almost sleeping through the night. He scoots off his tummy time mat, and I'm afraid he'll crawl away one day and I won't be able to find him, or he'll get stuck under the couch, or crawl down the steps & fall. He sat up the other night, all by himself, but he hasn't done it again since then. I just want him to stay little! At the same time, I can't wait for him to grow up. I'm so excited to see how advanced he will be, if he will be like me and read at an early age, what he will like, if he will like dinosaurs or trucks or animals... I am just so excited and nervous at the same time.

2) I need to chill the fuck out, seriously. I am so hard on myself, and people have always told me this, and I know that I have always been this way. It's just so hard to let things go. Like I told my friend Psyn, I'm so full of guilt that if I was any more Catholic, I'd be Jewish. I know I should take time to do things just for myself, but it is so hard to justify anything that doesn't benefit my family in some way. I feel selfish even just thinking of having a hobby that is just for me and just for fun! My hobbies right now include clipping coupons, cooking, and researching ways to save money. Poke said Tupperware is a hobby, but to me it's more of a job (more on that debacle later). I also need to figure out how to get more sleep. My brain won't shut off because I'm so hysterical (in my mind) over hundreds of things that I literally lay in bed and just think. There have been far too many times in my life, especially in the last four months, that I have been awake for 24+ hours just because I was stressed over what was going through my mind. If the brain's thinking isn't keeping me awake, my brain's need for order is doing it - forcing me to clean/organize/tidy up/etc around the house so that it gets done while 4L is sleeping and Poke is sleeping/at work. I can't even watch my favorite TV shows, I put them on and fold laundry or read the paper or do something so that I can claim multitasking and now feel lazy. I just feel that I need to justify staying home, even though it's financially and emotionally best for us. I'd feel even more guilty if 4L was at daycare, so that's one thing. On the other hand, since I'm not bringing in any money (more on that later too), I feel like everything has to be spectacular for Poke so that he doesn't think I'm just some lazy woman mooching off his hard earned paycheck. He's NEVER said anything like that, but I'm worried that we'll get in a fight or something one day and he'll say it. I guess I'm just paranoid.

3) Tupperware - what a mess. I did my first bazaar last Saturday and it was a bust. I only got two orders, which would have been okay, except for I messed up the prices and now I have to try and get other orders to fix the problem, or pay the difference ($60) myself. Luckily my work friend is having a party next Monday, so hopefully I can add them on to those orders - as long as I GET the right kind of orders! I came home from the bazaar and cried my eyes out for 20 minutes. I was very frustrated because I have never been good at retail and I should never have gotten involved in this selling business. The only good thing about the bazaar was that I did pass out a lot of catalogs and collect a lot of names, so now my info is out there and maybe I'll get some kickbacks from that.

4) Student Loans! I will finally start paying, almost three years after they started to come due. This whole time I have been unable to pay, and not because I didn't work - even when I was working full time I still couldn't pay because the total for all my loans was well over $1,000 per month. Sallie Mae refused to work with us on anything, and eventually the forbearance ran out. Well, about a month ago, a guy named Paul came and knocked on my door. He handed me an envelope and said he had an opportunity for me to work at CCI part time to help pay my student loans. I was like yeah, right, and threw the envelope in the trash. That was on a Tuesday, and on Thursday this girl Ashley called me about it. I told her that I wasn't going to do it because there was no way I'd be able to get a sitter and blah blah blah Poke's weird schedule blah blah blah, but then she said it would be $25/hr and I could work basically whatever hours I chose. So I went to the orientation, saw some old friends, met the new director, and got hired. I'm working one day a week, four hours, cuz that's all they'll let us work. My new student loan payments are about $200/mo, which will let me have about $125 in extra money/mo, and I can save it all or give it to Poke if he needs it for bills. Yay!

5) On the 27th, 4L will be baptized in the Catholic Church. Poke isn't any religion, but I was raised Catholic, and originally we weren't going to get him baptized. Then I started thinking about his tiny little soul, and was overwhelmed by the thought that if something were to happen to him, where would his soul go? I would never be able to live with myself thinking that my baby's soul was just lost in limbo. Poke and I talked about it, and he agreed that having 4L baptized would only do good, so that was that. Since having 4L, I've gone back to church, and it's pretty good. A teacher once told me that Catholicism wasn't a childrens' religion, and I think now that she was right on. I understand more now, and I care more, and I'm taking it seriously. For the past 14-ish years, I wandered around looking for answers and trying to find my own way, and eventually I was led back here. I guess this is where I belong.

The Beauty of the United States

2011-11-09T15:35:00.001-05:00

...is that we all have the right to vote. Issue 2 did not pass and SB5 ended up being repealed. It's too bad really, because Ohio could have saved so much money and budgets could have been balanced. My friend Nick put it perfectly:

Why do unions continue to give annual pay raises when nearly all other jobs have pay freezes? Does not make sense to me. Seems like annual pay raises would contribute to faster inflation and increased expenses & taxes. I thought we were in a recession. I thought now was the time to cut back and decrease expenses or at least keep them the same.

Yeah, you'd think so, right? Guess that only applies to people who don't benefit from SB5.

VOTE YES ON ISSUE 2/SB 5!

2011-11-07T11:05:00.001-05:00

Everything you're about to read came directly from The Columbus Dispatch, pages G4 and A15, Sunday November 6th, 2011. I couldn't have said any of it better myself, so I just copied and pasted it here for you.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Safety Workers are Compensated Well

In an effort to gain knowledge on how to vote on State Issue 2/Senate Bill 5, I listened to friends who reminded me that police officers and firefighters put their lives on the line and deserve every consideration. And since segments of my life have been somewhat at risk as a farmer, a fighter pilot and a helicopter pilot, each of which have had moments of high concern, I wondered how dangerous occupations rated and whether the salaries and benefits are commensurate.Internet findings gave me some insight.
Of the 2009 most-dangerous occupations, fishermen are No. 1, with 200 fatalities per 100,000 employed, and have an average salary of $22,160. Airline pilots have 57 fatalities per 100,000 and an average salary of $53,990. Roofers have 34 fatalities per 100,000 and an average salary of $41,200. Crop farmers have 30 fatalities per 100,000 and an average salary of $24,900. Livestock farmers have 14.9 fatalities per 100,000 and an average salary of $24,900. Police officers have 13.1 fatalities per 100,000 and an average salary of $55,400. Firefighters have 4.4 fatalities per 100,000 and an average salary of $47,760.
We always will consider police officers and firefighters to be our heroes, but when compared with others at high risk, some with even-higher skill requirements, I think their unions have placed an undue burden on society.
After due consideration, I will vote for State Issue 2.
JOHN A. STEVENSON
Circleville

State Issue 2 will hold line on spending

It's time to stop spending money. I have voted yes on every levy to raise my property taxes for schools, law enforcement and fire protection.
I believe in supporting these institutions, but now it's time to stop and assess the situation, because outside forces are corrupting these valuable institutions and those outside forces must be dealt with.
I believe the legislature and Gov. John Kasich took a bold step to deal with these corrupting outside forces and I support their efforts. Ohioans must vote yes on State Issue 2.
LINDA WOLLETT
Lewis Center

Issue 2
Collective-Bargaining Arguments

"As opponents push to get Ohio's new collective-bargaining law overturned on Election Day, there is no shortage of issues to fight about. A look at many of the bill's major provisions and how supporters and opponents have argues their points:

What the bill does	Arguments in Favor	Arguments Against	What the bill does	Arguments in Favor	Arguments Against
Bans strikes by public employees and imposes financial penalties for any public worker who does strike	Public workers have good pay and benefits, so they should not strike; unions sometimes use the threat of a strike to bully employers to cave; children should not have to cross picket lines to attend school	Strikes by public unions are rare, but the threat give unions leverage in negotiations, avoiding an erosion of pay and benefits; five everyone an incentive to come to the middle	Eliminates seniority as the sole factor when determining layoffs due to budgetary shortfalls or enrollment reduction	Allows managers to keep their best people, who are not always their most experienced-people; cutting only newer hires means more workers must be laid off because they re the least expensive.	Makes experience public workers very vulnerable to cost-cutting moves, potentially leaving them with major retirement issues because they do not pay into Social Security; increases the chance of cronyism.
Eliminates binding arbitration for law enforcement and firefighters, the process in which an independent third party resolves a negotiation impasse.	Unelected parties should not be allowed to dictate contract terms that taxpayers have to pay for; threat of arbitration can cause officials to give in to contract terms they do not agree with.	Process is rarely used, and when it is, statistics show decisions split between unions and employers; process ended public-safety union strikes, of which Ohio was a national leader in the 1970s; it brings definitive closure to negotiations.	Eliminates guaranteed 15 sick days for teachers from state law; caps sick days for most other workers at two weeks per year; caps accrued sick leave paid out upon retirement at 50 percent of 1,000 hours	Private-sector workers generally do not get such generous amounts of sick time; sick days are designed for unforeseen illness, not severance; payouts of unused sick time can be very expensive for local governments.	Allowing accumulated sick days is an incentive for people not to take off sick, which helps with attendance.
If a deadlocked negotiation cannot be resolved, allows the governing body to implement its own last offer, after holding a public hearing.	Voters elect leaders to make tough decision and spend tax dollars wisely; people should trust that local leaders will be fair to workers; the balance of power in negotiations has shifter too far to the unions over the past 27 years.	This would be a “fundamentally rigged process” that is unfair to workers because it turns collective bargaining into “collective begging” – no matter what the union offers, the employer can reject it and pick its own offer;; lets employers just wait out the process.	Eliminates “fair share” – the provision in many contracts that requires those who do not want to join the union to still pay some dues because they are covered by the terms of the contract	Workers who do not want to be part of a union should have the freedom to not pay dues.	Allows for “freeloading” where workers can avoid paying dues but still get benefits from the contract negotiated by the union, is aimed at cutting union membership.
Requires public employees to pay at least 15 percent of health-insurance costs and no longer allows union to bargain for health insurance.	Proponents say the average private-sector worker pays 23 percent, but at the local-government level, public workers generally pay 10 percent or less; it’s no necessary for unions to bargain for health insurance.	Health insurance is an important part of negations, particularly for lower-paid employees; the increased share for many local workers means less take-home pay; state workers have save millions for Ohio through health-insurance bargaining.	Requires more transparency of negotiations and terms of a union contract.	Gives the public a more-complete picture of total public-worker compensation beyond the increase to the base salary; each side might negotiated differently if it know its final offers will be made public.	No major issues raised.
No longer allows local-government employers to pick up a portion of an employee’s share of pension contributions. Workers are to pay 10percent of their wages to their pensions.	Pension pickups are used to hide raises give to public workers; puts workers on an even playing field.	Pension pickups can be cheaper than a straight pay raise because the employer doesn’t make Medicare, workers’ compensation, or unemployment payments on that pickup; without a corresponding pay increase, would be an instant pay cut for many workers; “hidden raises” concern handled by other transparency provisions in SB5	No longer automatically rolls over previous contractual agreement into the next contract.	Eliminates the potentially costly “pancaking effect” when a provision inserted into a contract for a specific reason is almost never removed in later year, even if circumstances change; has eroded management rights over time.	Can lead to draconian scrapping of contact provisions that have value to both labor and management; starting from zero can make for long, messy negotiations.
No longer requires that unions be allowed to bargain for items deemed “management rights” including staffing levels, building assignments, and promotions.	Gives managers more flexibility to run their operations; rights should have never been given up in the first place.	Could leas to larger class sizes in schools, fewer corrections officers in some prisons or fewer safety forces on police and fire runs; could cause safety issues for the public and workers.	Allows voters to go to the ballot to reject a contract if the governing body picks the more costly of the final offers and it is determined the contract cannot be paid for with current revenue.	Gives voters a chance to reject a contract that is “out of whack” and could lead to local tax increases.	Hard to fathom a situation where the criteria would be met to trigger a referendum; could lead to an ugly, divisive community fight over the worth of certain public employees; yet another way employees could lose out in negotiations.
Replaces automatic pay increases for steps and longevity pay with a new system of merit pay.	Quality of work, not years of experience, should be the deciding factor in how workers are compensated; will produce more-effective workers; allows mangers to reward exceptional work; limited step increases still can be included in contracts.	Raises concerns of cronyism, especially at the state level, where political appointees are the bosses; merit can be very difficult to define; will push teachers to be even more test-focused in their lessons, instead of teaching critical thinking.	No longer allows employers to do automatic paycheck deductions if money is earmarked for political-action committees, unless the worker gives written authorization.	Makes it easier for workers to decide whether to give politically; brings situation more in line with how corporation collect PAC money.	Makes it harder for public workers to participate in the political process at the same time the courts have made it easier for corporations; could reduce the political power of public unions, benefitting Republicans.
			Reduces the petition requirement for a public union decertification vote from 50 percent to 30 percent of members	Brings Ohio law in line with National Labor Relations Act; still requires a majority vote to decertify.	Another unnecessary effort to weaken union power by making it easier to decertify the organization; lets the employer interfere in union business.

Read the full article here: Issue 2: For or against? | A Case for the Law

Movember 2011!

2011-11-02T18:55:00.000-04:00

During the month of Movember, we focus on Men's Health. Each man is encouraged to shave his moustache (Mo) on Oct 31st and grow it for one whole month. Poke is participating in Movember this year! Please make a donation for Men's Health research or go to Movember for more information.

Diastasis Recti is Not What it Sounds Like

2011-10-12T15:49:00.001-04:00

Warning: Gross Stuff to Follow.

When I was getting my pregnancy massages, the LMT warned me that my abdominal muscles might separate. Well, what he should have said was "your abdominal muscles will separate" because that is exactly what has happened. Between my huge son (8.75 lbs) and C-Section to remove said giant son, combined with massive infection and already being overweight, I was doomed. The baby stretched the fascia around my ab muscles and the C-Section sliced through my lower muscles (about five layers!). After all that, my abdomen filled with fluid and the whole thing was stretched back out, and it was full of over a liter of fluid which weighed it down. So here I am with a saggy abdomen filled with infectious fluid - yum. After my six days in the hospital (a week after I came home with 4L), I had a huge hole in my abdomen, wasn't allowed to move (ok, I could move, but I wasn't really supposed to do much & definitely not allowed to lift anything other than the baby!), and my fat ass has a stupid pooch. But it's not really a pooch - it's a pouch - and I'm thinking "Fuck man, there is NO exercise I'll be able to do anytime soon to get rid of this bullshit." Come to find out, there is no exercise I'll ever be able to do to get rid of my stretched out pouchy abdomen - once the muscles stretch and separate from the fascia, that's it. The only way to fix it is with a tummy tuck.

Wanna donate? You can just send money through PayPal to rock.kowgurl@gmail.com! I only need $4,000 so if I can get 40 people to donate $100 or 400 to donate $10 or even 1000 to donate $4, that would be awesome!

Ok, time for a nap.

12:34am, please bite me.

2011-10-12T00:44:00.000-04:00

I hate not being able to sleep, especially these days when 4L's sleeping is barely "normal" and I have to squeeze every last second in that I can. That being said, all I can think about is stupid stuff, random stuff, and baby stuff. So, to try and alleviate my pain, I am just going to write it all down and see if that helps.

1) Why does my tummy hurt?

A) Probably because you've been eating so much fiber and whole peanuts, you fool. Drink more water!

2) Where are my boxes of checks?

A) I'll tell you where they aren't - in any of the drawers you already checked three times. They're probably in that box in the front closet that Poke got down from the top shelf the other day when you were looking for whatever you were looking for then. They're here somewhere, don't worry.

3) Why do I keep having to pee?

A) Because you are dehydrated. You drank yourself silly on Yuenglings Sunday night, barely moved yesterday, and all you drank was Kool-Aid and Coca-Cola. Drink more water!

4) Is 4L still breathing?

A) Yes. He's on his back, unwrapped, with no animals, pillows, or blankets in the crib to smother him. God forbid anything should happen, you've done everything right and it's out of your control. Don't worry though, he'll be up in about 2 or 3 hours anyway.

Alright, that didn't really help. Now I'm just awake and still thinking about the same stuff. I guess I'll pick a VHS Disney movie to watch and hope that it puts me to sleep...

It's Official!

2011-10-09T20:32:00.000-04:00

I have made the commitment to be a real-live Tupperware Lady. All it took was $5 down (the last $114.99 to be paid within 30 days) and I've already earned a profit from the party I had tonight! Sweet! I think this will be the perfect job as a SAHM because I can work around Poke and 4L's schedules and as often or as little as I want to. Spectacular!

Judge Not, Lest Ye be Judged.

2011-10-06T07:54:00.002-04:00

I want to address something kinda quickly. I'll try and make this to the point.

If you don't like what I write, don't read it.
If you don't like what I say about someone, 1) don't read it or, even better, 2) think about what I am saying and figure out if there might be some truth to it. After all, these are my opinions on my life*.
If you don't agree with what I write, 1) don't read it, or, even better, feel free to use that brain God gave you and have an adult discussion about the subject.

Nobody is forcing to you to read this blog.

Hope that clears things up!

*You have no idea what it's like to live my life. You are not me and you never will be. You have not experienced what I have experienced, you have not dealt with what I have encountered.

Freakin' Irritated.

2011-10-02T19:23:00.000-04:00

So, if any of you have bothered to read the history on/of this blog, you might recall that once upon a time I was a rich mortgage broker. Then, in May 2007, I was laid off. After working a series of shitty temp jobs, I decided it was time to do something with my life, and if I was going to start anew I should do something I loved and enjoyed. Thus, culinary school, where I earned a 3.89 cumulative GPA, an Associate of Applied Sciences in Culinary Arts degree, and amassed over $60,000 worth of debt. Since my externship (March 2009-July 2009), I have had four jobs.

First the externship, at an assisted living facility ($10/hr), with a brand-new-to-the-position Executive Chef who had to flex her Dietary Services Coordinator muscle to prove she could do the job and henceforth wrote me up six times in one week and put me on the edge of being fired. Before that could happen, I got a job as the Gourmet Chef Manager at a grocery store ($12.30/hr).

I LOVED this job. The problem was, a coworker had wanted my position and was literally out to get me - not just ME, but another guy and another chick who had also been the Chef there. She lied to an "authority" and I was put on suspension without pay. After an investigation, it was proven that I had NOT done what she said I did, yay HACCP and CAMERAS (dumb bitch), but at that point I had already found another job as a Chef at a Winery ($10/hr).

I literally did EVERYTHING at the Winery, for peanuts, and was treated like shit by the GM who was a drunken nobody with no restaurant experience (and, for the record, ran the place right into the ground like I said she would - it's not even open anymore!) and so we parted "mutually" due to "lack of business" or whatever.

Next I got a job at a catering company ($10/hr), not like weddings and parties but businesses. I had to drive either 50 minutes to Groveport or 65 minutes to Newark for work every day at 7am, so basically 50% of my paycheck went directly to gasoline for my car. I was hired to be the "Catering Chef ", they even went so far as to do a hair drug test, and was told I'd be taking over all the catering jobs. Within two weeks I realized I'd be had, and in reality I was this bitch's bitch and my title may as well have been "salad maker" because that's about all I fucking did besides run around and do her bidding. On top of that, I was sexually harassed by one of their account managers, but he said that if I told anyone he would get me fired (When he told me that, I was still new and couldn't afford to lose my job; Now I wish I'd turned him in and made him pay. Literally.)

So I finally got the job at this retirement community ($12/hr) and it seemed like my actual dream job. The pay was low for the work, but I was happy to have something I liked that was close to home. That happiness lasted about a week - first, I was bullied by a male coworker who ended up being a rapist (he's currently in prison), then I was treated like a child and told I was no good by a 20 year old punk (who was the mother of a 4 year old and whose baby daddy is currently at FCCC), then I was tortured by another male coworker who finally got fired when he came to work under the influence of drugs & alcohol. After all that my chef had the nerve to tell me that I was the problem, when we found ourselves in yet another closed-door meeting. This time it was in regards to my supervisor, a 14-year employee, a black "christian" woman. She was(is) incredibly racist, with the list going like this from "good" to "bad": black females, black males, white males, white females, all Africans. We might even be under the Africans, I'm not 100% sure. This woman tortured me, literally, from November til July when I finally went on maternity leave. You might remember me talking about Karla from school, well, this sprvsr was ten times worse than Karla ever was. For a christian, she was a horrible person. She eventually lied the right way and got to write me up, twice, for things that she claimed I did - she claimed I didn't cook these ribs, but, had I not cooked the ribs, the residents would have had nothing to eat. She didn't even try to make it realistic, and when I look back now, I laugh. Unfortunately her actions plus my complaining on Facebook (what I said was "I wonder if there is a coalition for black sprvsr on white pregnant employee bullying" and somehow that's harassment?) got me a year probation - the day before I went on maternity leave - and they expected me to come back? Right. I would have come back if she'd have left or if we truly could not afford for me to stay home. I'm not going to subject my infant son to my drunkenness due to the inability to function because I am being beaten mentally and emotionally on a daily basis. No sir.

Now that you know all that, maybe you can figure out why I can't pay my student loans? No? Ok, well it's because I haven't had steady employment - a month off from March 2010 to April 2010, then again from May 2010 to June 2010 - really fucked up my finances. My loans started coming due in January 2010 and as mentioned in the previous post, I was already unable to pay them and things never got any better.

At this point, I'm out of ideas. I've contacted Sallie Mae over a hundred times to try and consolidate or get a lower payment or something - anything - and they simply will not work with us. My friend's aunt keeps telling me on fb that I'm bragging about not paying them, that it's not fair for me to get a free education, and so on. Clearly she doesn't understand how un-awesome it is to be $60,000 in debt with nothing to show for it.

Aunt: what is sad about this if every keeps not paying thenthey will stop the loans and some one who really wants it won't be able togo....Kelly I don't think this is anything to be proud about...:^(
Poke: People will always be able to get student loans, aslong as there's a Phoenix facility somewhere in your state
Aunt: again don't think it is right to go to school and JUSTdon't pay....not fair...just saying
Me: So are you saying that I didn't really want it? That Ichose to go to college seven years after graduating from high school, put myentire life on hold to obtain this degree, worked my ass off to get a 4.0 andmake honors the entire time just so I could NOT pay my student loans back? Doyou think, Aunt, that I planned for things to go the way they did after Igraduated? To be raped by my employers, lied to, not paid, and not to mentionlaid off? To be lied to by Bradford, who told me that they would help me notonly to find a job FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE but also that they would help mewith financial issues as well? Do you think that I haven't been on the phonewith Sallie Mae three or four or five times a WEEK for almost TWO YEARS tryingto consolidate or get lower payments or whatever so that I COULD pay them back?IF I had known this was how it would be, I NEVER WOULD HAVE GONE TO COLLEGE. Iwould have continued in the mortgage business and worked those shitty temp jobsinstead of trying to better myself and my life. In trying to do so, I haveactually ruined my life. So if you think that I'm PROUD to be part of a HUGEproblem, you couldn't be further from the truth. Why don't you think about thethings you say before you say them? Do you truly think I am proud to have losteverything I had worked for before the age of 22? Proud to be $60,000 in debtwith absolutely nothing to show for it? They can have my fucking degree back -even before I became a SAHM it was worthless. Take the degree back and cancelout the loans because I certainly did NOT get what I signed up for. Besides,how do you get that I am "proud" from this photo? Did you ever thinkthat maybe I posted it to show how badly things have gotten? I'm not the onlyperson out there who doesn't/can't/won't pay their student loans. Plenty ofpeople who don't even finish school and get the degree don't bother to pay. Whydon't you pick up a copy of this morning's Dispatch so you can read the articleassociated with this photo instead of just assuming that I'm so proud to beupside down in debt at age 29.
Aunt: sorry I did think before I said something sorry Kellyyou have a FREE degree because you are goin to just walk away....sorry that'show I feel....sorry just sometime you brag on face book thay maybe youshouldn't be braging about....just saying....
Me: how am i bragging about this? am i posting things like"i'm awesome cuz i can't pay my bills"? no, i don't think so.

So that's where we are now.

On top of all this stupid debt bullshit rolling around in my head, my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend keeps tagging him in posts about how awesome he is, for example, making her TheraFlu when she was sick. For some reason I am jealous, probably because I knew that he was the perfect guy but then I fucked it all up and he ended it before it could really go anywhere. Don't ask how, I don't really want to talk about it, but it had to do with when I was beat up by that girl back in November 2009. I know that if I had hooked up with him I never would have gotten 4L, and that would be terrible, but I think about all the pain Poke puts me through on a regular basis and I just regret a lot of things. After all these years of wanting him, of him leaving me so cruelly only to come right back again and then leave once more, I feel sometimes like I forced him to be with me and now that we have 4L, I am stuck. He tells me weekly that he doesn't love me, that he never loved me, but he also tells me that he loves me on a daily basis. I don't know what to believe. He bought me a house, he's great with 4L, and he provides for me/us financially. Emotionally, romantically, physically, however, he provides either nothing or just hurt. Even when he tells me he loves me or says nice things to me I can't take him seriously because I know that in a few hours or a few days he'll be telling me how much he despises me. He needs to see a therapist.

FALL IS FINALLY HERE!

2011-09-30T17:47:00.001-04:00

YAY!

I love love love LOVE LOVE fall. It is definitely my favorite time of year. Everything about fall is good - pumpkins, rain, apples, falling leaves, changing colors, kids back in school, getting to wear hoodies and sweaters, craft shows... I could go on and on. The BEST part of fall, tied with the plethora of pumpkin-flavored items, is HALLOWE'EN! Kids get to dress up scary or funny, grown ups get to dress up scary or slutty, there is so much candy on sale, pumpkins go on parade under the guise of Jack O'Lanterns... It's just amazing.

Some folks only celebrate Hallowe'en as a secular holiday, but there are lots of people in the world who celebrate it as a religious/spiritual holy/holiday as well. This is referred to as Samhain (pronounced sau-ehn or saw-in) and is a Gaelic holiday celebrated Oct 31/Nov 1 and marks the end of harvest, transition from light days into dark days, and in some cultures is considered a "New Year" holiday. The Romans stole, like most holidays, Samhain and made it their own All Saints' Day, November 1st, celebrating the Saints of the Catholic Church. Mexicans, especially Mexican Catholics, celebrate El Dia de los Muertos on November 1st and 2nd. Overall, fall is a time of year to revel in the changes happening in nature and in ourselves.

I find myself more at peace in the autumn. Summer is way too hot, I'm always uncomfortable, and then there is the pressure to be barely dressed in public. Fall brings with it not only hoodies and sweaters, but jeans and sweats (well I suppose yoga pants are more "in" this year!) and jackets to cover up the chubs. The only part of Fall that I don't like is socks and shoes - I am definitely a sandals-til-there-is-snow kinda girl, however, I despise having wet feet in my flip-flops and that tends to happen with all the rain we get here in Ohio. Needless to say, I'm becoming accustomed to wearing socks, and today I put my sandals (all four pairs plus Poke's pair) in the bedroom closet. Now they'll be too far away for me to get them in a snap!

Today I put up all the Hallowe'en decorations, and I'm kinda sad because I thought I had a lot more. My mom gave me her giant light up cat-in-a-pumpkin and ghost-with-black-cat for the front yard, I have some bats in the window and a handmade scarecrow (my mom's from when I was very young) on the porch. There are some ooooooohh-eeeeeeee-ooooooh hanging things in the kitchen with a couple of Bud Light bat beads, black candles in the holders and spider votives on the entertainment center, a spooky ceramic ship that I made when I was about 10 yrs old (lights up!), and a one-eyed witch hanging haphazardly from the glass door in front of the dvds. That might sound like a lot to you, but my neighbors down the street have a whole row of light up happy candy corns in their yard! Waah! I just want more stuff, but I'll just have to wait til November when everything is on sale. I'm also picky in that I don't want junk, I want unique pieces that nobody else will have. Sure, 30 years ago everyone on the block had my light-up guys in the front yard, but no one has them now! I love vintage stuff too, especially holiday stuff.

Well, Poke and 4L are hanging out in the living room and it's almost 6pm so I had better start dinner before my boys starve...or at least before one of them starts whining... *grin*

S.A.D.

2011-09-23T13:33:00.000-04:00

Normally the gloomy, damp, draftiness of early fall in Ohio makes me happy - I am definitely not a person who suffers from S.A.D., aka Seasonal Affective Disorder. I will gladly suffer through this yuckiness to get to the crisp, cool, colorful autumn days that I know are right around the corner. Today is a perfectly gloomy day, and I am perfectly gloomy right along with it. And I don't like it.

In January 2010, my student loans were about to start being due. I knew I couldn't afford over $1,000 monthly payment, so I got in touch with Sallie Mae and attempted to consolidate. They refused to even let me apply for consolidation, but told me I could try for forbearance. A few days later I received a letter stating I didn't qualify for forbearance or anything else. I had to pay the $1,000+ or else. At that time I was making $12/hr and my rent was $595/month. If I paid my student loans, I wouldn't be able to pay my rent, or any other bills. I spent countless hours on the phone with Sallie Mae, trying and trying to get my monthly payment down to a manageable amount; They simply would not accommodate me in any way.

If a person dies or becomes disabled, the co borrower is no longer responsible for the loan. Knowing I could never repay the student loans, I made the conscious decision to commit suicide. After all, it would be better than ruining my mom's credit AND it would really show Sallie Mae what kind of shitty institution they are. I stopped taking my meds cold turkey, drank as much as I could, and one night I finally had the breakdown (unfortunately Poke was there and he still holds it over my head to this day) and swallowed 25 Vicodin. Unfortunately, being the responsible person that I am, I made the terrible decision to call off work for the next day and the manager who took my call notified the EMTs and sent them to my house. I don't know who got in touch with my parents, but all at once I had them banging on the front door while the EMTs were banging on the back door. They threatened to chop through with an axe, so I moved the kitchen table and let them in. They took me to Riverside where I was evaluated, had to drink the fucking liquid charcoal, and eventually sent to the Ohio Hospital for Psychiatry. My parents, of course, asked me why, and I told them the reason as stated above. My mom said that her credit was already ruined and my not paying the student loans wouldn't make it any worse than it already was.

My dad was laid off in August 2009 and didn't get a steady full-time job until two weeks ago. I was also unemployed several times in 2010, and I could barely afford my rent. Poke paid two month's worth for me and he didn't even live there at the time. I had to get my food from the food bank, didn't have any insurance so I couldn't take my meds, and basically kept my sanity by remaining in an almost perpetual state of tipsiness... wake up, go to work, come home, get drunk, fall asleep, wake up, go to work... over and over. Life was absolutely wonderful because I barely knew what was going on.

Fast forward to now, and Sallie Mae has sent all my loans to collection agencies. My parents just discharged their bankruptcy and I've been working on doing my own. Student loans can be included in Chapter 13 bankruptcies, as long as I can prove that paying the monthly payments would cause undue hardship. Ironically, two years ago when I had a full-time job, I did prove that as a requirement for the forbearance application. The problem is that the collectors won't stop calling my mom, they are threatening her (with empty threats and lies, trying to get her to pay) and so she is harassing me as a result. She and I just got to a good point in our relationship and now this. I don't know what to do. Even if I went back to work full time and put 4L in daycare, all my income would be going to that so it's not like I'd have extra money. My mom wants $300 a month, but there's no way I can give it to her. We just don't have it. Getting a part time job would be great, but how can I tell an employer "Please hire me and oh btw I need to dictate my own schedule"... not going to happen. I'm going to try with the Tupperware thing, but I just don't know.

I just don't know what to do.

Shitty Weather = Supreme Goddess Time

2011-09-22T20:21:00.000-04:00

Now that I'm officially employed by 4L, I will need to truly show off my culinary, lavatation, and absterging skills. In addition, my couponing will be combined with such skills and hopefully I can save us some money by busting things out Laura-Ingalls-Wilder-style.

First up will be homemade pierogis, because why should I buy them at the store, frozen, when I literally have all the ingredients here and can make 10 meals worth, fresh, and freeze them myself for the price of one box?! Exactly. And because pierogis, knitzches, and ravioli are all the same, I can just adjust fillings and toppings here & there to make whichever Polish/Jewish/Italian dinner I want. Hells yeah. I just wish I had a pasta maker attachment for my GMap's old Kitchenaid. I guess 70 years ago there wasn't too much of a demand for them... But I can make fettuccine or egg noodles or whatever thick noodles by hand in the meantime.

I've got the basement almost clean; Now that it's been waterproofed (a nice $13k investment) I can actually go down there and do stuff and use the space. We already cleaned everything up and set up some shelves, but the floor needs to be mopped again (and probably again after that!). Once I save some money, somehow, I'll be finishing it with the help of my dad. He finished our basement in the house I grew up in and it was about the same size. I think it will be pretty easy and fairly inexpensive. The first thing I'm gonna do is lay down vinyl tile in the laundry area and workbench area. I've put down vinyl tile before and it's really REALLY easy - all you have to do is measure, peel & stick.

Also I've been trying to learn things to do with 4L. He's only 2 months now, but he's at the age where he can retain some info, he follows me with his eyes and mimics things I do. We've already learned to stick out our tongue, give kisses, and repeat (I say "aaah" and he says "aaah" back!). He's really good at tummy time, and his neck is already so strong that he can hold his head up and (mostly) steady while he is sitting on my lap. When I hold him up and place his feet on my stomach or legs, I can feel him pushing against them. It's fantastic!

So, on top of all this, I'm thinking of becoming a Tupperware lady. My mom had a party the other day and it was fun, and I ended up talking to the consultant who ran it and she was telling me how easy it is. I suck at having parties, and I suck at selling stuff, but if I can get other people to have parties for me, the Tupperware will sell itself! Yeah! We'll see. I would have to invest $120 (or $80, but I might as well go all in if I'm going to do it) to get the set of stuff to take to parties, which is a good deal even if I end up being lame at consulting because it's like $550 worth of Tupperware for $120. Yay!

Besides all this work stuff, life is okay. Poke has been difficult lately, but wtf am I going to do? I just have to let him work out his shit on his own time. I've done what I can and there is really no more I can do after six years. The whole situation is quite exhausting. Not to mention my mom telling me I need to come up with $300 A MONTH to pay my student loans, when she knows damn well we can't afford that. I've told her a hundred times that they'll be included in my bankruptcy (see here where they can be included) but the damn collectors keep calling her and calling her and threatening her and she just keeps listening to them. It's fucking annoying.

Anyway, 4L is asleep and I'm about to hit the sack myself. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow because today was a pretty shitty day.

6:22 on a Saturday Morning

2011-09-17T06:27:00.001-04:00

...and I'm watching Looney Tunes. The old ones! I haven't seen some of these in years. But to be honest, I feel like a Looney Tune right now. I'm running on about three hours of sleep yet I'm not at all tired, just slap-happy. Yesterday was a long day of garage sale-ing with my mom (after a migraine and allergies resulting in only five hours of totally interrupted sleep) and when I got home, Poke had to leave for work two hours later. I tried to nap, but 4L wasn't having it!Despite all this, I am so happy. I have never been happier in my life. I officially went contingent at work last week, and I am thrilled to be a SAHM. Life is going to rule from here on out... now I had better get some sleep so I'm awake to enjoy it!

KLG and Hoda’s Cutest Babies Contest

2011-09-13T11:02:00.000-04:00

I just entered KLG and Hoda’s Cutest Babies Contest

The Name of This Blog Should be Changed

2011-08-26T18:18:00.000-04:00

Kel-Bell is no longer in Hell. Kel-Bell is in heaven, thanks to a beautiful angel delivered to her on July 18th. His name shall be 4L, and he shall bring joy and laughter to all! (As a matter of fact, he already has!)

Being a mother has absolutely changed my life. Two separate home nurses and my OB's office all gave me this post-partum test (to make sure I'm not depressed) and I scored a "4" every time (out of 20 - the higher the score, the more dangerous you are). I have never been so happy in all my life! Sure, I am worried about 4L and his future, and our finances, and the regular mom/partner type stuff, but I am so just... *whatever* about everything else. As long as we have the necessities, I will be fine. Even then I could probably live in a van down by the river, cuz WIC will provide food for 4L and I can go to the food bank. Seriously, having him in my life has changed me 100% for the better. I never thought I could be so happy!

That being said, I still don't understand the "need" or "desire" to have children. 4L was an accident, albeit a happy accident, and had that sperm not met that egg in a completely random fashion, I would not have chosen to have a child. However, now that he's here, I already want another one! Hahaha, I keep telling Poke we're going to have seven, just so that when we end up with three he will be thankful. *wink*

When I think about how lucky I am to have a man like Poke, I get all choked up. All those bitches from his/our past totally lost out! I have the BEST partner I could ask for. He probably wouldn't be perfect for you, but he's perfect for us. When he's working his four days, I have to admit that I feel like a single mom cuz he works all day/night and then sleeps all night/day. But, when he's off the next four, I feel like a queen and I almost can't handle not having to do anything for the baby! Poke has really stepped up and turned into quite the provider. After I had 4L, who arrived via C-Section, I was trapped in my bed at the hospital for two days thanks to IVs, catheters, and the like. Poke diligently changed diapers, held/rocked/coddled 4L, and did everything he could to make us comfortable. Ten days after, when I landed back in the hospital thanks to a badly infected inner abdomen (yay major surgery), Poke stayed home with 4L, took three extra days off work and did it all by himself. He could have pawned the baby off on my parents or his mom, but he took charge and took control. I never thought I would be so proud of him! The former Poke has been replaced by a caring, loving, thoughtful man and it is more than I could ever ask for. All the break-ups, the cheating, the weird shit that I can't even tell you about... it's all gone. He still gets down on himself for not being an expert at this or that, and I still have to reassure him that nobody is perfect, etc etc etc, but I'm hoping that eventually the light will come on and he'll understand that he's just a man.

I've been mulling it over every minute of every day since I left for maternity leave, and I just can't imagine going back. I know Isaac won't remember these days, but *I* will - I don't want someone to tell me that he spoke for the first time while I was at work, I don't want to miss any of the firsts or milestones, I don't want to miss a single minute. The other day he pooped and it looked like dog poop and I was so thrilled that I was privy to his first bout with constipation and knew how to help him. Some caregiver, even if well-meaning, might make a decision that I wouldn't agree with, and I don't want that to happen. I want Poke and myself to make the decisions! We've discussed it some, and I'm trying to get Poke to seriously think about it and not just take my word for it (that we can afford it, etc.), but no final agreement has been made. I'm hoping I can become a stay-at-home mom and raise our son to the best of my ability.

4L is a remarkable little baby. He has already rolled over, not just once or twice on accident, but several times on purpose. He can also scoot across his tummy time mat with the assistance of his tiny pillow, as well as give kisses and stick out his tongue. I'm convinced my child is a genius - but what mother isn't?! Of course I did have almost 4.0 gpa

Speaking of getting up and doing stuff, I have a meatloaf that needs to go in the oven.

Ta-ta for now!

PS - I am seriously considering changing the name, but the URL will stay the same!

Adult Time (Has a Whole New Meaning)

2011-06-13T20:49:00.000-04:00

LOL, it's not like I'm going to be blogging about all my fantastic sexual escapades anymore - no sir, those days are gone and Adult Time has a whole new meaning... which is bound to take on an even DIFFERENT meaning in just under 40 days!

Back in the day, I could just go out and do whatever/whomever I wanted to do without a care in the world. Poke was in and out of my life, and I didn't really have to worry about my actions affecting anyone else because other than him, I haven't had a (super)steady boyfriend (other than the 6 month Sal debacle) since I was married. My career was the only important thing to me, besides getting laid, getting fucked up, and getting drunk. As long as I made it to work and I was coherent, I was pleased. These days, I have so much more to care about. I see people who live the way I used to, and it disgusts me. Even when Poke goes out drinking to his brother's (which has only been three times since January), I am sickened. He did it the other night & I told him not to bother coming home, for several reasons: 1) I didn't want to smell it 2) I didn't want him driving under the influence and 3) I love to drink and it's just not fair! (Seriously! I'm not going to lie about why I don't want him drinking!) Before he left I told him all this, and he acted like I was just trying to keep him caged in. Maybe when 4L (the baby - more on that nickname in a sec) arrives, Poke will finally see that it's not just him in this world & understand WHY I don't want him drinking/drinking & driving/etc. I've never been comfortable drinking around my friends' kids, and I know I won't be comfortable drinking around my own. Besides that, I can't think of any situation in which it would be okay for us to be drunk - no matter what, it's bad for 4L. If we get drunk & leave him at the sitter's, he could get sick or something and we'd be unable to drive to get him or take him to the hospital. If we get drunk while he's sleeping we might miss him waking up and needing to be fed or changed or sick, etc. There is just no good time for responsible parents to get drunk! And that's a good thing to me.

I'm looking forward to learning to drink like an adult, having just a few & relaxing. My whole drinking life, I've done it like a frat boy. To me, there was no point in drinking if I wasn't going to get completely obliterated. Why have 3 beers when you can have 13? Beer tastes good, but being drunk feels good. Well, I'm sure being a mother feels much better & I can't wait to find out. It's not like I'm going to turn into a complete prude or something, I just have so much to care about now that I won't even think twice about sacrificing for him.

Overall, I am so excited for 4L to be here. I had my baby shower on May 28th, lots of people came, and I got SO many gifts - it was amazing. I haven't had a party like that with so many presents to open since I was a young girl! Everyone did so much - too much - but I am so grateful... and now the nursery is done! Seriously, I came home from the shower & put together the swing & the stroller & put the linens on the crib. Over the next few days Poke & I set the rest of the things up, washed 4L's clothes, and within a week we had everything done. The shower was awesome, but even (slightly) more awesome was the big trip to Babies'R'Us. We got the rest of the stuff on our registry: pack'n'play, diapers, bath stuff, tub, towels; exchanged & returned some clothes, etc. After two hours we had a full cart & headed up to the checkout. Grand total was around $674.00, but after coupons, sales, certain percentages off for this & that, and 15% off each item from the registry (for completing it), the new total came to $450 - We saved $224!! I was quite pleased.

Including today, I have 30 days left til I am on maternity leave. I'll have two weeks paid & six weeks unpaid, but the six weeks will be FMLA so I will be guaranteed a job when I return, as well as not losing my benefits while I'm gone. I figured I should leave about a week before my due date because I personally feel like 4L is going to come four days before my due date and the last few times we've gone to the doctor they've told us he's about a week to a week and a half ahead of where he should be. I keep praying to Jesus and talking to 4L, asking them both to just get me through the next 29 days - til at least 8pm on July 13th - so that I can get all my PTO in and everything will be "on schedule" (at least as far as HR is concerned!!).

Work has been fair lately, and by fair I mean "not good and not bad" as opposed to "equal" or "reasonable". My sprvsr is still difficult, and I think I've finally gotten to the point where I have just checked out from her. I can't respect her, I can't take her seriously, and there is not a single thing she can do that will change my feelings. I take that back: she could admit that she's been picking on me, admit all her personal flaws & mistakes, stop being judgmental, stop being racist, do her job correctly, and start accepting criticism - constructive or otherwise. But none of those things will ever happen, separately or together with another. She's just a very stubborn person! After all that, like I said, I think I've just checked out. She leaves me annoying little notes on the prep sheets & I leave my own notes for her. She doesn't bother to use common sense or look things up, she just accuses me of this, that, & the other. For example, she left me a note stating that I need to follow recipes - the dish she was referring to had three ingredients, and I made it with only two because she had failed to order the third ingredient. So I left her a note saying so! *grrr* This is the kind of stuff I literally, without exaggeration, have to deal with on a daily basis. My only days off from this shit is the weekend, when she doesn't work (except the next few weekends when she IS working! ACK!).

Oh well, yesterday was an awesome day at work & it really gave me a boost as far as confidence goes. All the lecturing and note-writing can really bring me down - it's even become somewhat of a joke between (my coworker) LareBear and myself. I'll say something & he'll reply with "Don't you know you do everything wrong?" or "Well you did kill that resident one time..." and he is totally joking because the stuff I get pinched for is always bullshit & everyone knows it. But I digress - things went well yesterday and I was really pleased. I don't know if I *actually* did an awesome job or if I'm less worried because I know I'll be outta there in a month... either way, yay me.

So now, I'll tell you why I'm referring to the baby as "4L" - his initials are IVL, and since "IV" = 4, I just thought it'd be easier/quicker to type. Yup, I am a nerd.

The strangest thing I've ever done.

2011-05-18T21:29:00.000-04:00

So being pregnant is, by far, the strangest experience I've ever had in my entire life. My stomach is so squished that I can't eat - but I'm starving - I'm zittier than ever, I hate everything, love everything, and everything makes me cry. They say that a pregnant woman experiences 150 million years of evolution in nine months - I'm starting to believe it's true. Even as I sit here, I'm like "why am I even updating this blog? Nobody wants to read about the life of a fat ugly mean stupid girl!!" Seriously, being pregnant is hard.

That being said, it's not all that bad. Some days/weeks are harder than others, and sometimes I'm just like WTF and move on. Work has been better lately, since I decided that some things are just NOT worth my time (arguing with less intelligent coworkers, less socially-adept coworkers, etc) and some things ARE worth my time (doing my job to the best of my ability and realising that I cannot be perfect, no matter how hard I try, and trying to be perfect is going to wear me out). On Sunday I did the breakfast shift, which has been traumatic from the start (and this was only my fourth time) and it went very well. Yes, my soups sucked cuz for some reason I lack the ability to do in one kitchen what I do in another, but whatever. It's soup for christssake, and if that's the thing that I fucked up and everyone was all in arms over, well, that's fine. At least it wasn't as bad as the first two times I did that shift!

Home life has been much better lately as well. Poke has changed completely since being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, and now that he's gotten his blood sugar under control, his attitude is under control. Lately it's been higher & I can really notice the difference between glucose levels of 80-140 & 150+. It's amazing what the human body can do to itself and how the brain/mind can be affected by things.

I guess I should probably give a quick background story at this point, since the last time I talked, Poke & I were all but done for. WELL... as you all know by now, there was really no way we'd ever be apart for good, even if I said it was going to happen. We ended up getting back together in August 2010, and by October 2010, I was pregnant... except we didn't find out until December 9th, 2010, when I randomly started throwing up - a lot. Puking is NOT something I generally do, even when totally wasted, so I went ahead and took three pregnancy tests, and sure enough all three had the double pink line. Woo-hoo. Poke was in Cali/Vegas at the time, on vacation w/his bff/roommate (to try and salvage their dying friendship I guess). I simply texted him "I'm pregnant" and that was that. He replied "how the fuck?" and I, being the smart-ass that I am, answered that when a mommy & daddy fall in love... No, I was like "well, I'm not on birth control & we don't use condoms so I suppose it was bound to happen eventually!" When he came back from vacation he made the decision to "do the right thing" and move in (after the first of the year). I was happy, because I truly didn't think he was going to do that. I pretty much expected him to be like "ok, I'll send you a check" and be done with it. Instead he stepped up and made the commitment. It's been rough, but since January 2011, he's bought me/us a house, kept his finances in order, done great at work (as always) and continued to improve himself and our life. He seems to be excited about the baby coming, and I think he's going to be a great dad. Yay.

The only thing I have to worry about now is next Tuesday when I go to the cardiologist for a couple of procedures to find out what's wrong with my heart. A few times in my life, maybe 1 or 2 times every year for the last 5-7 years, I've had little episodes of palpitations. I'd go to the doctor, they'd do an EKG, and nothing would show so they'd say "oh anxiety" or some other reason. Well since I got pregnant it's been steadily getting worse, going from 1-2 times a year to 1-2 times a month to 1-2 times a week until it was every other day and now it's every day that my heart is palpitating. Sometimes I get nauseous and dizzy and lightheaded and sweaty, sometimes I get nothing. A week ago they put me on a 24 hour monitor cuz when I went to the hospital, of course, nothing showed on the EKG. Apparently something significant showed on the 24 hour monitor cuz now they wanna do these tests. I'm scared and nervous, but at the same time I'm kind of okay. I have a part time job working from home so I am still making money even if I have to take a leave before it's FMLA maternity time. Things will work out, I'm sure of it... At least, I'm hoping so!

I'm Back - Again!

2011-05-13T20:38:00.000-04:00

Yes, it's been almost two years since I posted on this blog, and for damn good reasons too. Let's sum it up real quick so I can go eat my pizza rolls.

1) Poke & I are together - forever - as I am currently pregnant with his child & due in only nine short weeks. More on that later!

2) Have had lots of jobs in the past two years, most of them have sucked, but now I have a sweet job (back at a retirement community, where I always wanted to be!) and I hope I am able to stay there for a long time.

3) Still need money, only now it's like $80,000. So fork it over if you wish.

Anyway, that's about it for now, I will be posting more regularly since I am on the computer a lot for my part-time job and need to take breaks here & there so I don't doze off.

Done with that, onto this...

2009-11-02T00:40:00.000-05:00

Poke: Nope, it's done.

Work: Fine. I have a performance plus problem, which means I hold myself WAY UP HERE and consider everyone else to be way down here and I can't expect them to meet my standards of excellence. Great.

POF.com: Yay I met a super swell guy, BL. We have hit it off! I dig it. So for now, I'm staying off the website so I can see where this goes.

Money: Need some. Lots. Like $60,000.00 for student loans. Fucking shit.

Wow, what a month...

2009-09-06T14:21:00.002-04:00

Poke: yeah, we fuck a lot now but I've come to realize that there is no hope for us. He doesn't entertain me like he used to, he's not the same person I fell in love with. I still feel like he's my best friend, but even that's starting to wax and wane as time goes by. Fine with me! I've got better things to do.

Men: suck. I went out on a date with a really swell guy and I thought it went well. Apparently I thought wrong because less than 4 days later he was already ignoring my texts and not returning my phone call. Whatever. Then there was this other guy who never even met me in person (more on that later) and when I called him out for constantly wanting to meet but never agreeing to any options I gave him (he basically wanted to come to my house and I said no it must be in public), he called me large and repulsive. Nice. THEN there was this boy at work who has been flirting with me since I started. We exchanged numbers, he called me once, we talked at work, and then Slutsy McFuckstick (a girl in my department) decided she wanted to get w/him and basically sabotaged the whole thing. He and I made plans to go out last tuesday and he didn't call or show up. Awesome. Two days later I find out he already has a girlfriend! Needless to say my hurt and sadness over that didn't last. So, yeah. Rejected three times in one week, my confidence surely took a blow.

POF.com: plentyoffish.com, a dating website. Been talkin' to some guys on there. It's not bad, it's not great, it just is. I'm not too concerned with it right now, but I would like to find someone nice and friendly and not fucked up in the head.

Other: Work is great. I love my job, but I still hate getting up at the godforesaken crack of dawn. I got a new cell phone, the LG enV 3 and it rules. When I went to buy it, they said I could get two new phones free after rebate. I was like awesome and called my parents to ask if they wanted new phones. They said yes. Well when they saw their phones they hated them and it was a big fucking problem. I was like wow ok can we be more ungreatful? Thanks. My friend NW from school came over to MW/AH's house with me last night. Then we came home and had adult time. It was spectacular. My friends liked him, as far as I can tell, and everyone was getting along and having lots of fun. Yay. He tried to fuck me in the bathroom and they caught us LOL it's a good thing he locked the door!

Well I suppose that's all for now, I guess it'll be another month before I post again? Maybe not, I'm gonna try to keep it up like I used to.

Oh - and - GO BUCKS! First game was yesterday, we beat Navy (barely), 31-27.

Glen Campbell and Kenny Rogers!

2009-08-07T19:51:00.013-04:00

The Big Cardinal At the Front Gate of the Fair

...At the Ohio State Fair, Tuesday August 4th! It. Was. Amazing.

Poke came over around 5:30pm and picked me up, we drove down to the fair and got there around six. Only took about 15 minutes to get there; we'd left at around 5:45pm. At first I was all confused and getting irritated cuz we drove in, didn't pay for parking (included in concert ticket price!), and starting heading towards the back. Every time we came to a parking area/crossroads, the cops waved us on. I was like "Um, do they think we're leaving?!" Finally at the very last chance, they directed us to park. One of the most annoying things in the world is having someone direct me with hands - I was like yelping at Poke to TURN TURN TURN and he's like I AM! I DONT WANNA GO IN THE MUD! and meanwhile the fucking cop is trying to make him park in a hugr mud puddle - basically directing him right to it. Jesus. In the end, we were ok - mostly cuz Poke parked crooked on purpose so he was not in the mud and so I didn't have to step in it to get out. =)

Luckily the haywagon tram was stopped right at our line picking people up/dropping folks off, so we hopped right onto it and rode our way to the front gate. We weren't really that far from the front gate, but walking would have been a pain and I'm sure we would have gotten lost! When we got off the tram, we immediately started to hold hands and I was like "oh, sorry I was about to hold your hand" and he was like "that's ok, I want you to." I didn't know what to think of that because when we were dating we always held hands, or he would always have his arm around me when we were walking and he had already done that several times to/from the car, etc. I guess old habits die hard. Anyway, at the front there was a AAA booth, and since Poke now has AAA, we stopped to see what was up and ended up with a free ticket to the Skyride! Then we headed to the gate, showed our Kenny Rogers tickets, and waltzed right in. Yay! We got a map and a booklet, walked a little ways, and there was the Skyride. Poke went to buy me a ticket but before he could hand the guy the money some lady was like "ma'am! ma'am!" and I turn around and she's like "here you can have my free ticket I won't use it." So I yelled to Poke "CANCEL!" cuz even though it was only $3 to ride, free is better! We got in line (lol, we were the only ones behind one couple) and then had to go stand on the yellow box to wait. I was scared cuz you have to hop up into the chair like a ski lift (which I have never been on) and hang on for dear life. Poke had no issue but my legs are short and I barely made it hahahaha. So we rode the Skyride to the other end of the Fair and passed the Celeste Center, where the concert was to be held, on the way. When we got off POke needed to potty so we walked over to this random building with stuff in it and while he p'd I smoked outside. He told me about this girl ripping him off of some cash he'd given her for tickets to TOOL, and I laughed, and reminded him that everyone sucks but me. He said he knew. Then we started walking again, and Poke said he was hungry now and wanted to get some food. I had had him stop at Wendy's on the way so I could get a Jr Cheeseburger, just so I wouldn't eat a ton of Fair food, so I was not hungry at all. He ended up getting a $7 Meatball Splash - worth about $5 - and from the way he wolfed it down, it was thoroughly enjoyed! LOL.

Poke on the haywagon tram

Me on the haywagon tram

View from the Skyride

Me and Poke on the Skyride

Meatball Splash!

We walked to the Celeste Center and smoked a cigarette, for at this time it was around 7:15pm. The concert started at 7:30pm. When we were done smoking we got in line to get in, had our tickets scanned, and after another potty break we found our seats. The seats were kinda far back (not as far back as they seem in the pics, my camera phone is just weird like that), a little bit farther than half-way from the stage but still on the floor. We were in an angled row and he let me have the end seat so I could see. We saw a booth off to the left selling Kenny Rogers shirts, and I wanted one sooooooooooooooo bad but it was $25 and I have a really hard time paying more than $15 for a t-shirt. I told Poke it was a shame we didn't live together anymore cuz if we did we could have bought one shirt and shared it. He got this look on his face like he was plotting and I said "No, we cannot have dual custody of a t-shirt. You cannot have it every other weekend and three weeks during the summer. It won't work" and we laughed. We were still contemplating whether or not to buy a shirt when the lights went down. Poke and I hurried back to our seats and just in time too because at that moment Glen Campbell came on stage!

Glen Campbell was pretty sweet. I wasn't sure how much I would enjoy it cuz I didn't think I knew that many of his songs - turns out I know a whole bunch! Plus he sang a few covers, including "Dream" (Everley Brothers) and "Jackson" (Johnny Cash/June Carter) with his daughter. He even played "Classical Gas" by Mason Williams, my number one favorite instrumental! Glen finished with "Rhinestone Cowboy", my favorite song by him, and I was beside myself with giddiness. Overall, Glen Campbell was great. However, the best was yet to come.

Waiting for the concert to start

Glen Campbell

Glen Campbell played from 7:30pm til 8:30pm and then there was a half-hour intermission. We went outside and smoked then headed back to our seats. I thought maybe the place would fill up (for example, our row had been empty except us and one other couple) but it didn't seem like there were more people than before. At 9pm sharp, the lights went down, some music started, and Kenny came out on stage. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Everyone jumped to their feet, clapping and whooping, and we were no different. It gave me chills just being in the same area as Kenny. He sang two songs, kinda combined, and then talked to the audience a bit. There was a guy in the front row w/his wife, and apparently this guy's name was Glen Campbell. Kenny thought this was hilarious and chose him as the man of the evening. He made a deal with the non-famous Glen Campbell that if Kenny sang a song Glen recognized, he'd throw him a $10 bill. By the end of the night this guy had a fistful of cash and Kenny tossed him a t-shirt! I was so jealous. Kenny sang only two songs I didn't recognize, and right in the middle he sang "Just Dropped In" and Poke and I went craaaaazy when the first chords were played. It was amazing. (Side note - I have some videos but I don't know how I can upload them - I'll try though.) When Kenny sang the love songs Poke put his arm around me, we were holding hands/touching the whole time. It was strange and fine at the same time. Kenny showed a video montage of "The Gambler" tv show while he sang the song of the same name, had a cardboard cut-out of Tim McGraw on stage while he sang some song they'd done together as a duet, showed another montage of pics of his wife Wanda & their 5 yr old twin sons during another song, and was overall a pretty funny guy while talking to the crowd in between songs. It was awesome.

Kenny Rogers!

When we got out, Poke wanted to ride a ride but they were all closed so we just left. On the way back he asked if I wanted to go to the Filling Station for karaoke and I suggested Brewstirs instead because it was on the way. We stopped in there, Cat was doing her show, and Valdez happened to be there as well. The crowd was pretty thin so we actually got to sing abotu 3 songs each - usually it's so packed you can barely sing one, maybe two if you get there super early - but we'd gotten there around 10:30pm so I felt lucky to sing so many! A few times when we were outside smoking this one drunk weird dude was out there being creepy and annoying. The last time we went out, Poke stopped at the bathroom and I headed out alone, thinking he'd be right behind me in a minute. Well, unfortunately, he was not. This creepy fucking dude tried to kiss me, grabbed my head and everything, and I was like "NO!" and I could hear Poke on the other side of the door, so I was like "POKE! POKE! POKE!" trying to get him to come outside or at least look out the door. He didn't so I just threw my cigarette down and walked back in. He was like "what's going on" and as we walked back to our seat (we'd already moved from a table to the bar to get away from this creepo dude) I told him what happened. Poke was SO pissed. He wanted to kick the dude's ass. I felt special, ya know, Poke wanting to defend my honor and all that. We left the bar at closing and went home to my house. Adult enjoyment followed.

Sadly when I woke up, on the couch, at 6:15am to my work-day alarms (which I had forgotten to turn off), Poke was gone. I was half asleep and all confused, looking all over the house for him and then for my keys, having noticed the door was locked. I called him and called him but he didn't answer, so I just went up to bed. I woke back up around 10am and he had texted me that he put the keys through the mail slot (true, I went down and found them in the corner) and that he was sorry he left, it was a shitty thing to do, but he was starving and knew he'd never be able to wake me up to get me upstairs (also true, when I'm drunk and pass out there is no waking me up and/or moving me). I was upset but at least his reason for leaving made sense.

So now, things are back to "normal" - not with me and Poke, just with my life. I had one day of excitement and it's back to the grind. My job is going very well and I love it, except for having to wake up SO early and drive SO far. I'm in charge (3rd in command) and I make decisions and shit is up to me. I like being my own "boss" instead of having to bow to everyone like at the assisted living place I worked at for my externship. OH! Speaking of, my college graduation was this past Sunday and it was nice. I got to see my friends and get my actual piece of paper degree and now it's all over. Woot!

Been So Long

2009-07-28T19:30:00.003-04:00

Hey peeps, what's up.

Whole lot of nothing going on over here, mostly because I started my new job as a gourmet chef at a local grocery store. Hell yeah.

RR is kinda fading away from the picture... sad, but I had a feeling it might come to this. He told me over and over that he's not interested in a serious relationship, even though he didn't act like it, and I think he's feeling like he needs to pull away. So be it.

Unfortunately, Poke is back in the picture. We're not getting back together, just hanging out and being friends. I've had several people tell me to try it again, and twenty times that many (including my own brain) tell me to run fast and far away. Who knows what will happen.

My graduation is on Sunday and I'm kinda excited. I already have my degree, but it will be kinda cool to go through the ceremony and have it be "official".

Other than that... nothing to report!

Angry and Frustrated

2009-07-23T21:49:00.003-04:00

So, I don't know what's going on with my "men" these days. I have my RR, who referred me as his "fuck buddy" (fine) and then also, please don't hit me, Poke's back in the picture. Ugh.

Well what I'm angry and frustrated about is the fact that Poke is going on vacation to Cozumel, Mexico. It's just not fair. Now was supposed to be our time together making a wonderful life and having tons of cash and living high on the hog and so forth. Instead he left my ass high and dry and I had to struggle the last few months to pay the bills he left me... I even had to find a new job. Goddamn it, NOT FAIR! It's not fucking fair that he is living well and has no money worries while I bust my ass all over the place just to make ends meet. Why does this always happen to me? Why am I constantly fucked?!

*sigh*

I don't even know if I can write any more cuz I'm so irritated. Even if I hadn't started talking to Poke again I would still know that he's living well with lots of cash and few bills and that has irked me since the moment he walked out the door. FUCK! I'm so angry.

Now, a repeat of a previously viewed video:

mydrunktext.com

2009-07-14T19:54:00.003-04:00

hilarious

(650): Not only did she give the most amazing oral, but she made me the best sandwich. God's cruel irony that allows fat chicks to be so great at these two things.

(908): I'm pretty sure angry flying monkeys live in her vag - and they're Republican, too.

(412): before you come to my house stop somewhere and get me a ladder, rope, Bandaids, ice cream, peanut butter, jello, icepops and handcuffs. if not, don't even bother coming

(805): He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.

(403): Received from a friend at a strip bar: "How the fuck is it that a Cambodian chick in a redneck town is dancing to Latino music working in a titty bar owned by a Chinese cowboy?"

(914): so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling

and the finale... wonder who posted this...

(303): We need yo make a Helen Keller horror movie.

Videos You Need to Watch (and why)

2009-06-27T20:06:00.002-04:00

3oh!3 - "Don't Trust Me"

This song absolutely RULES. It's dirty, nasty, and it makes me wanna fuck someone's brains right outta their head. I especially love the hook - "Shush girl, shut your lips! Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips!" Nice. Plus the one dude looks like Seann William Scott...mmm...

Theory of a Deadman - "Hate My Life"

I totally feel this song. My ex-husband used to make fun of me because I'd always tell him "I hate my life" - but I really did! Now someone has put my feelings to lyrics to music and I dig it. Also, the lead singer is hot - too bad he looks kinda like Poke.

One Republic - "Apologize"

Always loved this song, never checked out the video til recently. The video actually isn't all that great, a little too artsy-fartsy for me, but still kinda cool. I was totally stoked when Kris Allen did it on American Idol, but I was highly disappointed when I heard the Timbaland hip-hop version. Eww.

Kanye West - "Heartless"

LOVE LOVE LOVE this song and video! I know lots of people don't care for Kanye, but I really don't think about that kinda shit. I think he makes great music and it's so fucking catchy while still having some meaning behind it. This song reminds me of my relationship with Poke - just switch the "he" to "she" and so on. So true.

The Ting-Tings - "That's Not My Name"

Hahaha. Yeah, I've been that girl who sleeps around a lot and I often wonder if ol' dude remembers my name the next week... Hilarious song, catchy, fun.

That's about all I've got for now. Enjoy.

Love sought is good, but given unsought is better

2009-06-24T12:49:00.002-04:00

What's up. It's been a fairly uneventful week.

I had another date w/RR on Monday night, that was good. He texted me Monday afternoon, "R we gettin 2gether 2night", which made me jump outta my skin cuz 1) I'm a huge nerd and 2) He doesn't usually text very much. So I called him and we talked for a little bit, thank god I was on my lunch break! LOL Anyway, he explained why I hadn't seen him Friday, said he had thought about calling me Saturday, and Sunday he slept all evening til the morning. Apparently I'm wearing him out! =) So he picked me up at 9:30pm and he cracked me up when I heard a knock on the door and went to open it and I see him walking away. I'm like "oh you're such a gentleman!" hahaha. Turns out his front car seat had gotten all trashed up (he's a courier and thus works out of his car) and he was tryin to clean it for me... He half succeeded, lol, I didn't have to sit on top of junk, just have it around and under my feet. We went to Legends behind the house, and later realized we should have just walked over. They have $1 Miller Lites on Mondays so we did a bunch of shots, drank a bunch of beers, and played the jukebox. There were some interesting characters there that night, and it made for interesting conversation to say the least. We came home around 1:30am, having decided earlier that we need to get to bed BEFORE 4:30am. Ha, after watching tv, having amazing sex, watching more tv, smoking cigarettes and having a couple more beers in between all that, we ended up falling asleep around 3:30am. Not too bad! LOL The next morning was good, as always, I made him some breakfast, he got on the computer to look up some directions, and that was that. As he was leaving he let Fox escape out the front door, but instead of freaking out like Poke always did when Fox ran out he simply walked over and picked him up outta the grass.

Shit! Speaking of Poke, he fucking texted me at 3am while RR and I were laying there trying to sleep. He sent me a picture of some girl's feet with these weird sparkly sandals and said "these are nice shoes right?" What a jackass. He thinks that he can remind me of his foot fetish and something will happen? Maybe? Nope. I am totally done w/him. I texted him back "my boyfriend and i are tryin to sleep. plz don't text me". Moron. Kinda makes me feel a little smug though because when his gf was blowing me up the other week she was all "he's never coming back now" and I was like "ok we'll see cuz he always comes back" and yes, indeed, he continues to randomly text me. Oh well, now he'll see what it's like to want someone and they don't want you back, just like I did practically the whole time we were together!

So back to RR. We're not "dating" or anything official, though I'm hoping for more someday, but I'm not going to push the issue. He told me on Monday he's happy with how things are right now, and that we don't need to make things complicated, so that's fine. As long as we're hanging out regularly and enjoying each other, that's alright by me! I'm back to being a happy girl (and not just cuz of him either) and I like it. Being happy is good.

Hilarious.

2009-06-17T23:47:00.001-04:00

Drama, Drama, DRAMA!

2009-06-16T22:43:00.003-04:00

Poke's fucking girlfriend was BLOWING up my phone Saturday night and Sunday morning. She and another girl even took the time to call me from his phone on Saturday night. Ridiculous. Even when he's with someone else he can't leave me the fuck alone. It's so sad.

Work is kicking my mental ass, I (almost) hate going there everyday, but I'm looking for a new job so we'll see. My supervisor basically told me and the other girl there that we're going to be fired by the end of the week. She's so busy trying to impress the higher-ups that she's totally fucking up the relationship with her employees. This sucks even more because I know that she is a really cool person and she worked hard to get this promotion (and I helped her get it) but I feel like she just can't "supervise". Whatever. Maybe she'll get a clue and I can actually get to stay and once again say that I'm working my dream job.

I've had a wonderful few weeks hanging out with my friends. I'm going out more and doing what I want. It's very... invigorating. I was kinda talking to this one guy, JM, but that's basically done now. He and I just have too much in common - I know that sounds pretty strange but it's the truth. He was a chef out in Utah at this ski resort, and I'm a chef too, he likes Batman, I like Batman, we just have nothing to talk about because we have all the same opinions on everything. That makes for a very boring conversation. The sex was good, but without the awesomeness outside the sheets, it doesn't really matter. I ended up also hooking up with a friend of mine from school, NW, and that was pretty sweet. I was irritated for awhile because he was blowing me up while Poke and I were still together, going on and on about how we needed to be together and he could/would treat me right and so on. Then, once I was single, he all but disappeared. Well I saw him when I stopped by school the other day and I kinda called him out on it - two days later he called and apologized, I went and hung out w/him while he worked at this bar, then we came back to my place. All I'm gonna say is that for being a short guy (my height, but a small type guy) he sure does carry a wonderful package... yeah I meant for that to be less explicit. I suppose I should just say he's got a nice penis! LOL so tacky.

Then there's RR. Oh my.
I met him for the first time in 2003. One of the first conversations we had went like this:

RR: Who is that guy with you? Your brother?
Me: No, that's my husband.
RR: You should leave your husband and come home with me.

So, obviously, he's been attracted to me for awhile. =) I am not really sure why it took so long for us to finally go out, but now that it's happened, omg, wow. We went out last Wednesday and it was amazing, we spent the whole night at the bar talking and talking and talking about all kinds of things. There was never a lull in conversation - NEVER! Then we came home and had some amazing sex, followed by more talking. I went out with him again last night and it was the same. Awesome conversation, awesome time, awesome sex. Totally awesome all around. Unfortunately I tried to convey a message (I think we should be mutually sexually exclusive) and I think it came out wierdly, and frankly, too early. I had the words planned in my mind but they came out sooo wrong - he was cool though, and we talked through it, and I think everything is still okay. He did say he would "think about" being exclusive. I'm pretty sure my frankness and spontaneous-ness kinda threw him for a loop. =\

Then there's this other guy, JY, who randomly asked me out last Friday. I really have nothing to say about him cuz I have only talked to him irl 2 or 3 times, and we haven't actually had a date. We'll see.

Back to RR. LOL. He is also awesome because he supports all the shit I want to do. My plan to getting famous, or at least known, is very vague at this point. I don't even know where to start. He has lots of ideas for me, most involving cooking and food (duh, cuz I'm a chef) and some involving him and his music. He's in three bands, and he's trying to start some blues-type solo project, and he wants me to write some lyrics so he can put them to music, and, possibly, sing for/with him. We just get along so well. I don't even know what else to say.

Well, I guess I'll go now. I'm drinkin' some miller high life light and it's starting to catch up to me.

I'm Back!

2009-06-11T19:50:00.002-04:00

Hello people. How are you doing today? I am fine. I have chosen to re-open this blog since I once again have plenty to talk about!

First up, school. I'm almost done - 8 days til graduation! Yay!

Next, Poke. He left me for the fourth and final time on May 1st, 2009, and I will *not* be taking him back again. He had his chances and he royally fucked me over and over. Done.

Third, work. I am a chef at and assisted living facility on the East Side. It's nice. I don't love it as much as I did when I first started, but it kinda pays the bills so I don't really have a choice.

Fourth, men. I love men. I have been getting plowed all over the place. No, I'm kidding, but I did go on a date with this guy I've known since 2003 and we had an awesome time. This brings me back to Poke, since he was always so mean to me and told me in so many words how worthless I am (was). Since he's been gone, I've gone on quite a few dates and such, and Poke was so wrong! I rule!

Alright, that's it for now. I have to go sleep.

The End is Nigh

2009-01-09T00:35:00.003-05:00

Well here we are.

Life is so fucking busy that I just can't stand it anymore. I thrive on excitement and business and so forth, but goddamn it sometimes I'd like to have a moment of peace and quiet.

So, that being said, this Blog is peacing out.

I will be working on a new Blog, Ph33r Me Letters so feel free to stop by there from now on.

It's been a swell 4 years, and we've been through a lot. I just don't have anything to talk about anymore. Maybe someday I'll put this back up, but for now, it's all about REAL LIFE (and sometimes Ph33r Me Letters.)

Happy Blogging everyone!

After Three Long Months, I Have Returned!

2008-11-21T19:28:00.002-05:00

*sighs*

Wow. Ok. I don't even know where to start! So much has happened in the last three months, I have been so incredibly busy, it just seems like one big cluster-fuck of a story. I suppose I'll break it down by months...?

August:
(Well, the end of August I suppose.) Poke had moved in in early July. Everything was going swimmingly, but there continued to be many problems at the apartment complex. I decided it was time for us to get our own place, as opposed to a place I had that he moved into. Not only that, but the little apartment was just a bit too small for us and the area had been going downhill fast. On August 1st someone got shot just around the corner from my place. It was a tenant shooting a burglar, however, someone still got shot. I wasn't going to deal with this shit anymore. So we found a new place in Dublin and I wrote a letter to the complex stating that it was unfit living and far too dangerous and I was peacing out. They charged me $885, which as of today, I have rec'd two letters stating they still want. (The check was cashed on October 20th.) I stopped working weekends at Steak'n'Shake for two reasons: 1) OSU football was about to start and 2) I wanted to change my schedule before I moved. I would miss my friends at Groucho's, but I had to get away from that part of town.

September:
We moved on the 13th, the same day as this HUGE windstorm. It was hurricane-level! Only no rain, cuz, you know, this is Ohio. There were some cows flying through the air, but at least there were no floods. I had quit Steak'n'Shake because I simply couldn't stand the place anymore. I wasn't making any tips, customers were getting worse, and the girls I worked with infuriated me. My manager had put me up for promotion and I was doing all this training, but when he told the other servers that yes, I was indeed part of the management team and yes, I was indeed in charge, they couldn't handle it. So, to save myself stress and time, I just quit. Besides, it was too far from home. My manager tried to get me to stay, even offered to transfer me to the store closer to my new house, but I declined. No thanks, I'm done with Steak'n'Shake.
Shortly after we moved, I found out that Poke had been cheating on me since February. It was very difficult to deal with this information, especially since I found out completely on accident and while he was at work. We're still working through things, and hopefully someday it will all be fine again. He says it ended in May, from the evidence I found it seems more like July, but I suppose that's irrelevant. Things have obviously changed in our relationship now, and instead of me being somewhat mousey and submissive, I've become more in charge and I refuse to let him run my emotions, so to speak. In a way, I guess it could be a good thing. I knew he was sorry for what he did when he became physically ill over it. Right.

October:
October was fairly uneventful. We spent a lot of time watching OSU football and hanging out with my friends MW, AH, and some new friend J&CF. There were lots of drunken nights around the bonfire at J&CF's house! It was all very fun. For Hallowe'en Poke and I went as Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton. We got a hotel near Groucho's so we could be back with all our (my?) friends. It was all very fun. I guess you could say that October was one of the most fun months I've had all year!

November:
So far, so good. Poke and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary (and if we make it to Valentine's Day we'll have one whole year with no break ups!) and he got me a beautiful amethyst necklace. I set up the camera in the bedroom. More on that later. MW/AH and J&CF all got into a very complicated fight, and so now I'm not really part of J&CF's crowd anymore. It makes me kinda sad, but I'm MW's friend first and I'm not going to choose anyone over her. I hate drama and I wish I didn't have to be involved, but whatever. MW/AH and I have been going to Groucho's every Friday lately, and it's pretty cool. I was away for about a month and a half, and I was starting to miss everyone a lot. There are no really good bars near our new place. Everyone around here is kinda yuppy/preppy. At least they're not shooting each other, I guess, although as I am typing this the local police K9 unit is searching through my across the way neighbor's apartment... yeah... Yuppies do drugs not sell them, so I suppose that's not too bad...

All in all, a very wonderful three months. Yeah, the Poke cheating thing was pretty fucking bad, but we'll get through it. Every other thing that has happened has been great and I'm thankful for that. We're living comfortably and happily, and that's what's really important.

Hot Greasy Fries

2008-08-26T00:39:00.006-04:00

OK. So.

Cast of Characters:
3 brown skinned girls, perhaps muslim? - one speaks english, one kinda speaks english, one barely speaks english.
1 white waitress named Kel-Bell - speaks english
1 small order of fries

The Plot:
Girls come into steak'n'shake to eat food, waitress waits on them.

What happens:
Girl one, calls herself "Olive" and kinda speaks english, orders a single with cheese, ketchup, pickles, extra pickles, small fry, cookies'n'cream shake (which she then cancels for a water instead.) Girl two orders a #4 chicken strip meal with double fries, bbq sauce, water, and a cookies'n'cream shake. This girl barely speaks english. Girl three (who speaks english) orders a single the same as her. Waitress says, "Which her? This one?" and points to "Olive" who is offended that the waitress did not magically know her name. "Olive" says, "My name is Olive not "This one"." Except Girl three does not want extra pickles and she will just have water, and no fries because she will eat half of Girl two's fries. Order is placed, shake is made and delivered, food comes up shortly thereafter.

Side note: Waitress is the only waitress in the restaurant, and has four other tables to attend to.

Food is delivered, and Girl three says she needs napkins. Waitress brings napkins, goes to the back to pick up chilis for another table. Before waitress can deliver chilis, Girl three stops her and says, "These fries are too hot and greasy!"

Waitress: "Would you like cold ones? No, seriously, I'm joking. One moment." as she turns away to give chilis to the other table.
Girl three: "You are so rude. These fries are disgusting."
Waitress: "I wasn't being rude, I was joking. The only way to get fries that are neither hot nor greasy is to get old, cold ones. Would you like another side instead?"
Girl three: "You're a bitch. You're not funny. I'm not paying for this."
Waitress: "Well, if you're sure I can't get anything else, enjoy your meal." as she removes the "hot greasy fries" from the table.

Fin.

End note: I made $49.78 in tips even though those bitches stiffed me and complained to FE (my manager) who, by the way, defended me, only gave them $1 off, and was backed up by AJ (another server) who exclaimed as the Girls complained that I am a very nice person and always joking and how she overheard the conversation and knew that I was, indeed, not being rude.

Fuck you evil diners!!

On another note, it's finals week and I'm terrified. I don't know if I can pass this lab final tomorrow. I'm already getting a B in the class and I just know I won't get 100% on the fucking final OR the practical. *sniff* There goes my 4.0!

But, on a better note, we're moving in 2 weeks. Yay! Now is the time to start working on my evil plan... hehehe...

This Saturday is the 1st OSU game of the season!! WOOT!!

tips

2008-08-12T04:19:00.005-04:00

Why don't black people tip?

I typed this phrase into my Google search box and got LOTS of answers. Some said they don't "understand" how to dine out in a restaurant and some said it's because there is some preconceived notions about service. Whatever. All I know is that I had a table of five black people today and they were they ONLY ones to stiff me. They ordered a #4 chicken finger meal with honey mustard and salad w/ranch and apples/grapes and Sprite - no ice, a double with everything and cheese platter with cheese fries and onion rings and Pibb, a "junior steakburger with cheese and everything and onion rings instead of fries" and a Sprite - no ice, a "junior grilled cheese with cheese fries" and a water - no ice, and a Chicken melt with no tomato, no bacon, a regular fry and an Iced Tea.
Well.
These guests were clearly over 12 years old, so I charged them for a single cheeseburger deluxe and small onion ring (instead of junior meal) and a regular grilled cheese and small cheese fry (instead of junior meal.) Now please tell me WHY this girl who was consistently nice to me, calling me by name and/or sweety/honey/etc suddenly turned into the most evil person when I handed her the bill?

Her: "Don't you think it's shady of you to charge us for adult meals when we ordered juniors?"
Me, in my head: HA!
Me: "The junior meals are only for our guests 12 and under."
Her: "You should have told me; It's shady that you charged us for the adult meals."

Me: "Don't YOU think it's just as shady to order junior meals when you are clearly not 12 or under?"

Her: "Well you should have TOLD us when we were ordering that junior means 12 or under."
Me: "It's on the menu; would you like me to show you where?"
Her: "No, I know it's on the menu, but I didn't want to pay that amount. You were being sneaky for charging us adult prices."
Me: "I'm sorry you feel I was being sneaky, but I don't want to get fired or get in trouble for undercharging. As it is, you got exactly what you ordered and nothing was wrong with your food, right?"
Her: "That has nothing to do with it, you were deceitful."

Of course, as always, they left no tip.

**Note** 08/13/08**

I suppose I should have told you the story of my other experiences to clarify why I focused on the black people not tipping. I had a table of 2, a woman in her 40's or so who was with a mentally challenged woman of unknown age, both black. They ranted and raved about my service, even went so far as to tell my manager that I should be a manager! Oh this was by far the best service they'd recieved at Steak'n'Shake and thank you so much and good luck to me. Well I guess that was my tip because the table was empty and she paid with cash. Granted, I did once have a table of white hillbilly new yorkers come in and not tip, but I didn't expect them to because they looked poor and ordered scantily with purpose. I also once had a table of white yuppies from Kentucky show up with the entire soccer team (yes, this was a table of 22) who left me $1.00 and then tried to leave without paying for all their meals. I'm not saying that every single black person stiffs me and every single white person tips me, but it does seem that in general the black people don't tip as often. 95% for whites, 65% for blacks I'd say. And as far as Muslim people go, well, I know that I'm always guaranteed $3 no matter how large or small their tab is. I haven't dealt much with Asian folk, but I would think they would tip correctly because so many of them work in restaurants and nail salons and stuff like that where they live off tips (yeah that sounds racist but I think it's mostly true at least for the Asian people who live in my area.)

Here are some links to back me up:

http://www.uspoliticsonline.com/forums/showthread.php?t=31992
http://www.tigeru.com/ftopict-4717.html
http://www.livejournal.com/community/blackfolk/1338757.html
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/IS_it_true_most_black_people_don't_tip_waiters
http://intellegentignorance.blogspot.com/2007/05/my-vegas-restaurant-story.html
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1329241

And here's a video blog with a plethora of responses. Amusing. At first, I'm like hmmm... he really shouldn't have confronted her... But then she says "you're lucky we even left you money" so fuck that. Then she mentions that her SISTER is a server! So ridiculous.

Busy Bee

2008-08-07T11:26:00.002-04:00

Well since I went back to school and work from being on vacation, I've been ridiculously busy. A month has flown by and I didn't even realize it until I actually found out what the date was. Seafood has been an alright class, nothing too exciting, and at least I'm not doing as sucky as I was in Meats/Poultry - but it's still no Bake Shop! In the past month, Poke has moved in, we bought a new couch, sold my old papasans, and have decided to move to Dublin/Worthington. This decision to move comes from the fact that a guy was shot in my complex last Thursday. Although it was a tenant who shot a robber, it's still a shooting, and it just goes along with everything else that's been going downhill like a California mudslide in April. (I made that up.) This club across the street was finally shut down after 4-5 weeks of shootings every Friday/Saturday night, there are people who walk around my complex looking in car windows and peeking in 1st floor apartment windows, and there is always foot traffic and random people parking and going behind the fence that separates the parking lot from the indoor tennis club and I'm sure what they are doing involves drugs and/or prostitution. All that on top of the fact that I was broken into on St. Patrick's Day! This is upsetting because I still basically live alone, and also I've lived in this area for four years now and never have I had so many problems. Sure, there was my crazy neighbor at The Chateau who was always waving a gun at his girl and one time shot it off, but that was one incident. There were no break-ins and peeping toms and so on. So, we're heading out. Far away from here. Yay! I hate moving but I love it at the same time.

Vacation

2008-07-05T14:29:00.002-04:00

Yay I had two weeks off school, and I am going back on Monday. I finally got approved for school aid, so now I just have to pay $2,665.00 instead of $9,474.00. Yippy! Poke and I went to Cedar Point, I went to the pool here twice and got sunburned twice, and I was struck with e.coli or salmonella - not sure which. I still have it and it's annoying. My vacation wasn't very exciting, but it sure was relaxing! Here are pics from Cedar Point in the form of a little video I made for Poke:

Dreamin'

2008-07-05T13:54:00.002-04:00

Wow I really suck at updating lately. My bad.

Anyway, I had a dream that I lived in Cleveland, and it seemed that I lived in my uncle's house, but it wasn't his real life house. I worked at some church, and I was walking along the road when this very cute boy and his younger brother pulled up in an old Chevy Impala SS. The cute boy was younger than me, by not much, but the brother was only a teenager. They looked kind of Italian, and started talking to me as I walked down the road. I tried to ignore them because I didn't know them, but once I looked at the cute boy I was smitten. Some weird thing in me said that this was the perfect guy for me and we'd been together in past lives and all kinds of bullshit like that. Something you'd see in a movie I guess. So I let them give me a ride to the church. He kept trying to kiss me and I kept resisting, and when we got to the edge of the church property, he stopped the car. I asked him why he couldn't take me all the way to the door and he made up some lame lines about not wanting to disturb hallowed grounds. I got out and walked the rest of the way, while they just sat there and watched me. As I did my work, which was cleaning and tidying up and organizing, I suppose, I would glance out the window and they would still be staring at me. No matter what room I was in, I would look out and see them and the cute boy would wave and smile. Suddenly, a dog came running across the yard and jumped in through the window. The cute boy and his brother jumped through after it, and they were acting very animalistic. The brother pounced on the dog and started chewing at it's fur, making a bare spot on the dog's neck. The cute boy pounced on me and held me down, saying he was sorry I had to see this but they hadn't eaten in hours and were starved. Ah, yes - they were werewolves! I pleaded with the cute boy to not kill the dog, but he continued to let his brother suck it's blood out. Then the cute boy looked at me and said that the time had come for fate to rear it's beautiful head, and he started chewing on my neck. I asked him please wouldn't he rather make love to me than suck my blood and he replied that this was much more intimate than any sexual act. So, I became a werewolf too. Here is where things get weird. (I know, right?) Apparently, I passed out, and they left me there. Obviously I wasn't going to die, because now I was a shape-shifter, but I had a really bad headache. Right. I walked out of the church, and noticed immediately that 1) they were still following me in the car and 2) once I stepped off church grounds my headache went away. Weird. I see an elementary school, and instantly I get this kind of blood lust in my mouth, like when you're tasting so much for a Big Mac and you can't be satiated until you eat one. There's a big swimming pool in front of the school, and I jump into it. Oh, I also took off all my clothes before jumping in. The kids start coming out, and they see me in the water but it doesn't seem strange to them. They throw their toys at me, and the toys turn into real life whatever-they-ares. Someone threw a Little Mermaid Ariel doll in, and it came to life as a real mermaid. There were trucks and Spongebobs and all kinds of crazy shit coming to life, and it all talked too. Then the kids started jumping in like it was a party! I'm scrambling around trying to get away from them, when I realize that being in the water has made me more human than werewolf. Once I'm out of the water for more than 5 minutes though, I start tasting for blood. So I jump back in. In and out and in and out, I decide that if I have to spend the rest of my life in the water so that I don't eat some kids or animals, that's fine with me. The cute boy and his brother are still parked across the street, staring at me the whole time.

Strange Dreams - it's been awhile -

2008-06-03T01:02:00.003-04:00

I am in NYC visiting my friend Izzy. Apparently we are moving in together near where he lives currently. I have arrived in an SUV. We are sitting in my new apartment, so I can practice living there, watching The Twilight Zone. Afterwords, we go for a walk in Central Park with his dog, Scooby. Scooby is on a leash, but he is very bouncy. Then I find us back in the SUV. It seems we have gone to pick up Chinese food, and I am waiting in the car. It has been raining the entire time and everything is blue-gray. At one point I tell Izzy that he's much cuter in person than in pictures. Then I wake up.

2.
My friend WCR (formerly WR from school) and I are aliens. We look like humans, but we are actually aliens on an alien planet where everything is perceived as earthly to us. Our spaceship has landed and taken the form of a moderately priced hotel. We have special suits, but nobody else on the ship does, and when we walk out the door they all evaporate but we are okay. The mission is to steal these bombs away from the main evil alien, who happens to be looking like a transvestite Uma Thurman. WCR and I get to where we are supposed to be, and pick up the bombs, which look like those little chocolate coins you used to get for Christmas or Chanukah. I throw one out the window of our smaller spaceship, which is a nice black convertible, and it creates an enormous explosion. We are trying to get to this other main alien base, and when we arrive, it looks like a sort of country club, with pools and spas and a very green golf course. At some point during the dream, the "camera", if you will, pans out and gives a real view of the planet, which is dusty and red and very very dry looking. In order for WCR and I to survive, we have to see things for what we want them to be, rather than what they are, otherwise we will expire from the awfulness of it all. I am sitting by this beautiful pond, plotting out the rest of the day. It doesn't really matter what happens to the bombs, except for the cannot fall into Uma's hands. I am thinking of tossing them into the pond because they will float and fizzle and not cause a huge explosion. Uma comes up to me, and I pretend to not know her. In the meantime, WCR has gotten the car ready; I hear her pull up and run out the door and jump in, Luke Duke style. We speed off down a super long highway with plains on both sides. I could easily throw the bag out the window, but we would all be killed by the shrapnel if not by the explosion itself. I debate tossing the bombs one by one, but that might take too long. There are only about 7 left in the bag, but Uma in her Benz is catching up to us quickly. Then it hits me! I will bomb her! Nobody said we couldn't kill her! So I start tossing the coins behind our car, one by one, as WCR speeds up to over 120 mph. We fly down the highway as the fire from the explosions singes the hair on our heads. We high five. I wake up.

3.
Can't really remember all the details, but for about four nights I continuously dreamt that I was incredibly pregnant and had to be the hero in all kinds of situations... interesting...

Finally Something Good from the Oval Office

2008-05-19T11:17:00.003-04:00

Click Here to read about a new bill that helps students continue their education in this shitty fucking economy where nobody can get a student loan. The article doesn't mention it, but every person currently enrolled as a student also gets $2,000 free (at least at my school.) Thank god. That damn hillbilly will be gone soon and we'll have a new president, so at least he did something that didn't cause more trouble before he left.

Here are some more links:

GovTrack

Google Finance

CBS News

Monotony -or- Why I Choose to Not Kill Myself

2008-05-13T00:53:00.004-04:00

Do not measure your loss by itself; if you do, it will seem intolerable; but if you will take all human affairs into account you will find that some comfort is to be derived from them. - Saint Basil

So. My uncle said no, he won't cosign. My last option (that I just learned of today) is to take all my rejection letters to the President of the school and show him that I'm not just asking for money, I'm really trying to get it on my own and no one will give me any. Other than that, it's either pay up my cash, $9,474.00, and have zip left in my savings account. That means no vacation, no getting my alignment on the car fixed, no money to pay bills, no tattoo. I only make about $400.00 a month at Steak'n'Shake, so that doesn't even pay the bills. People are like "why don't you just work and go to school??" Well if you can get me a job that will work around a 40 hour school week, and I'll still have time to sleep, then I'll take that job. I go to school from noon to 7pm. There is seriously NO job out there for me. If I was going to OSU or Cols State or something, where I only have one class a day everyday, or maybe six hrs of classes 2-3 days a week, then sure I could get a great job. But no. Not happening.

This Disney recruiter lady came to school today to talk to a different class, but we got to sit in on her presentation. It was really cool. I'm seriously considering it, if I get to continue school. Hell, even if I can't go on with school maybe they will accept me anyway and then at least I'll have *something* to show for my $40,000+ in student loans! Check out the info here. It's not the specific culinary info, but it's mostly the same.

So the other morning, Poke said to me that he was bored. Bored of the same old same old. I told him that all he has to do is suggest new things and we can do them. He can come over anytime he wants, we can go wherever, etc etc etc. Since then, the more I think about it, I get a little bit angry. He has all this freedom to do whatever the heck he wants, whereas I am trapped in this awful fucking circle of strife. Wake up tired, go to school, go to work, come home, don't get any sleep, finally pass out when the birds start chirping, wake up tired, go to school... you get the point... I have no fun in my life until Thursday and Friday, and even Fridays really aren't that fun because Saturday I know Poke is going to wake up and say he's leaving and then I'll have to go to work for 8 hours. Don't get me wrong, I really do like working at Steak'n'Shake. I just wish my life wasn't so monotonous. It hurts me emotionally, and I'm pretty sure that, in addition to the whole school finance problem, it is the reason why I have been so depressed lately. I try to act happy for everyone, but honestly I am on the verge of tears 100% of the time.

Henceforth, I am like, what's the point of going on if there is nothing to go for? Well, for starters, my mom cosigned on those two loans so if I was dead, she would be responsible and that's not really fair. Next, who would take care of my kitties? Also, my friend MEI is already having her own issues, and if I was to off myself she'd probably follow suit. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person keeping her from doing it. Not to mention I have other friends, Poke, and my family who would miss me, and I don't want to fuck up anyone's life. So even though I am pretty sad right now about my newest round of bad luck, I'm just gonna keep plugging along. It doesn't really seem worth it to kill myself, it would probably not work anyway and I'd end up some lame vegetable sucking out my parents' hard earned money to pay for my breathing machine and hospice bills.

This blog just got pretty morbid, sorry. I'm just so fucking tired and bored, I have the most ridiculous thoughts running through my head. The quote at the beginning is kind of what I'm going to start thinking of when I get really depressed, you know, so I will try to think that there are people out there who have it way worse than me.

*sigh*

Now I feel like I'm rambling so I'm just gonna end this post and go play some MahJong.

Fuck You, George W. Bush!

2008-04-25T08:13:00.002-04:00

Thanks to the shotty job GW has done as president, in combination with my huge mistake of getting married, I will no longer be continuing as a student at the Culinary Institute. I have just over one year left, but I can't get any student loans to cover anything. I have enough money for tuition, not enough to live on. Or, conversely, I have enough to live on but not enough to pay tuition. So basically, I'm fucked. Haven't decided what to do about this, but all I know is that blowing myself up on the White House lawn to make a point seems like it would be less worthwhile than just jumping off a bridge.

Note to all gov't folks reading this blog: If you really think I'd take the time to build a bomb, drive to DC, and somehow get thru the fence to explode myself, you are downright crazy. Go find some fucking terrorists with the money you should be giving me to go to school.

That's the thing that really pisses me off, too: I am a good person. I am trying to start a new life for myself. But I can't, because all my hard-earned cash goes to taxes to pay for... what? Homeland Security? Welfare? So I'm basically funding programs directly related to the worthless people of the world. I see. Yes, that crack-addicted 16 yr old mother of three DEFINITELY deserves more than I do. She will absolutely make a greater impact for the good of society, whereas I, a mere Chef (had I been able to complete my schooling), will be nothing to the community, of no good to anyone. Well, I'll be darned.

Poke will be getting a $300 stipend from the gov't in May. I will not. Poke got over $750 as a tax return and owed nothing. I owed $22 and got $87, making a grand total of $65 received from good old Uncle Sam. I have pain in my hips that makes me cry and makes it difficult to walk. I can't go to the chiropractor to get it fixed because insurance is too expensive and I can't afford the cost without it. I have to compromise my morals and get my eyes checked at the Wal*Mart Vision Center because a real doctor is four times more expensive. On top of all that, I have to drop out of school. Life is wonderful.

Thank you, George W. Bush, you fucking fuck.

It's Been Awhile...

2008-04-16T02:46:00.007-04:00

Wow. Ok.

I don't even know where to start. I guess the beginning would be good, thanks smartass, but I don't really know what the beginning is...

Let's categorize.

School - awesome. Getting super good grades. Felt slightly failure-ish the last couple weeks while doing chicken, but I am going to attribute it to 1) Hating chicken 2) Being sick and 3) Really fucking hating chicken. There was some drama with KS, the 53 yr old woman in my class, but whatever, it's mostly just entertainment now. You'd think somebody who is that age would have some tact/couth/knowledge of how to act in a social situation, but I guess it's not always true. BB, EM, and AT have all withdrawn. It's ok. I'm just glad that they finally figured it out. AT will be back after she has her baby, but we'll be long gone or at least in our externships by that point, so whatever. Other than that, school is cool.

Me!

Me scraping out marrow from Osso Bucco

Me eating the marrow (it really wasn't that bad)

WR and MB eatin' chicken wings

Chefs trying my delicious Pork Enchiladas

MB. Chicken Wing. Watch out!

RP trying out the Parmesan Crusted Chicken Breast

Work - Been at the Steak'n'Shake for about a month and a half now. It is good! I really like working there, and I kinda didn't think I would. I've never been a waitress before, and I always was like "oh I hate people I can't do that job" but actually it's great. The money leaves a bit to be desired, but I am still making practically double what I was at DQ, so that in and of itself makes the job way more awesome! I guess I just pictured tips being more... well... plentiful. But then again, even tho S'n'S is kinda on the pricey side, people don't seem to really think of it as a "real restaurant". HELLO?! Hasn't anyone seen the commercials? This is not a "workeraunt!" The only terrible thing that has happened is this totally random bruise that I cannot for the life of me figure out. It just appeared. I tease Poke that it's the exact size of his thumb, but I really think I closed my arm in the salad cooler door last week.

Family - Good. My brother just had his 19th birthday. My dad walks with a cane now, and he's having surgery on his knees tomorrow - I think they're being scraped again. That's about all.

Poke - Ah yes, I know you were all waiting for this part of the update! Ok, so after I dropped him off at the bus station, I texted him a couple times between then and the next day. When I heard from him again, he was absolutely miserable. He had originally been in an apt with 3 black people, 2 of which were racist lesbians. His other roommate was just weird, so he switched to live in a house with some other people. I was shocked that they had him rooming with females in the first place, but whatever. So Monday was the 1st day, he had some classes, then it was time for the physical (actually I can't remember if it was Mon or Tues...) Regardless, he filled out the forms and stuff, and realized that he wouldn't pass the physical because he has back problems and sleep apnea, 2 major things they don't allow the truckers to have. So that was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back on top of being miserable with his living situation and being terribly homesick. He was back by Wednesday morning. I wasn't really angry, just kinda disappointed, but if he was going to be miserable not learning anything and not pass the physical anyway, why should he waste his money staying out there? So, that was that. He had an interview yesterday at a lumber place up in Westerville which seems promising. He will still get to be a driver, just not have his CDL. I guess we'll work on that later.

Besides Poke's career, things have been going very well for us. I made it clear, both verbally and otherwise (ha ha but don't think I'm beating him or anything!) that this time it really is on my terms and that if he wants to be with me he needs to realize that I'm not putting up with anything and that I basically own him. It's nice though, because we've gone into another level of this relationship now. He wants to move in. He wants to make a serious committment. He wants to move to Boston with me. I'm no longer poking and prodding and trying to convince. He has actually said he wants this that or the other thing, and it's wonderful. We went to a friend's wedding, and the next day Poke was talking about what kind of things we could do for ours. Things this time are just so much more open and real and better, and I think it's because I didn't just let him back in with a big "You're Forgiven". I made him work for it.

So, here are some random pictures. Enjoy. I promise I will update more often from now on! Working 25-35 hrs a week on top of 35-ish hours of school keeps me pretty busy though!

CL, Poke's brother

The new Mr. and Mrs. RS during their first dance!

Groomsmen

Boys waiting to catch the garter

Cutting the cake

Before the ceremony

CL and Poke

JW and RS

Poke

KS

RS

Me!

11 March 1982

2008-03-11T11:14:00.002-04:00

Right after I posted the last entry, I noticed the date. Today is the day, 26 years ago, that I was adopted! Yay!

Weird Dreams, No Sleep

2008-03-11T10:39:00.003-04:00

Last night was one of the worst nights I've had for sleeping. I dunno wtf was going on, but I just could NOT sleep. I almost cried. When I finally did fall asleep, I had a terrible nightmare!

I was at what was presumably my house, but it seemed like I still lived with my parents and little brother. My best friend from Cleveland, SLV, came to visit. She was driving this crazy ass car, looked like a Scion sedan type thing, it was neon blue and really janky. We decided to go over to this kid's house, his name was Tyler or Taylor, and he was nobody from real life. So we're there, and he's drunk, and she gets drunk, and I'm not drunk. Then this girl from school, Sarah, who isn't even a friend of mine and she's not in my schedule, shows up. I guess she's Tyler/Taylor's girlfriend. I'm just sitting there, annoyed because I want to hang out with my friend whom I haven't seen in months, and Sarah comes and sits next to me. She's bothering me, like "wtf is your problem?" and shit like that, trying to get me to drink, but I really don't want to. So she starts punching me. I can't get her to stop, no matter what I do. Tyler/Taylor's dad comes into the room where we are, and he's like, I dunno, kinda egging her on to keep hitting me til I take a drink. I finally get up and run out the door, and I yell for SLV to come on and get the fuck outta there. I'm in the car, and she stumbles out, all irritated that I want to leave. I try to tell her that I just wanted to spend time with her, but she's all pissed off that I made her leave the "party" even though it was just her and Tyler/Taylor sitting on the couch drinking. So I'm like "well we'll go somewhere fun, I promise, I just have to stop home and get some more money" and we head back to my house. Well I pull up and there are like 30 cars in the yard and driveway. The house is a piece of shit house too, like something you'd find run down on the Hilltop. I leave her in the car, go in, and find the place packed with all these teenagers I don't recognize. I see my brother in the middle of the crowd with a bottle of something to his face, which pisses me off. I make my way upstairs to where I assume my parents are, and I find them in their room. My mom is awake,m watching Bonanza and my dad is "sleeping". I start complaining about the damn kids and the drinking and shouldn't my parents have learned that they can get in trouble from letting it happen in their house, and my mom says "well tell your father, he's the one who bought it all and got drunk with them to start off with! after one game of quarters though he couldn't handle it and passed out, he's been throwing up in between consciousness." I'm aghast. My father doesn't drink in real life! So I run into the bathroom to try and find my hidden stash of money, and some drunk girl is hidden in the closet puking and tries to get out and almost pukes on me. I punch her in the face. As I'm trying to leave, I keep getting confronted by drunks trying to throw up on me, including my dad, and it's terrifying. I finally get out, and run to the car, and SLV has disappeared. I drive around a little bit, and finally see her no her way back to Tyler/Taylor's house. Then I wake up.

Well, you might think that was the end. OOOOH NO. I fell back asleep and had another terrible dream!

I went to Otani's for karaoke with some boy who looked like a cross between VES, Poke, and this kid I dated briefly in high school named Bryan. Otani's was normal in the dream, until I told them we were there for karaoke and they led us down some strange secret hallway into this teeny little room. It was packed, but I saw The Sir sitting in the back, so I was ok with it. I made my way back there, stopping along the way to help this girl get started singing her song cuz she couldn't remember how it went. We finally get to two empty chairs, and I hear my mom yell out my name. She's there with my dad, my brother, my uncles (one of whom died in 2005), my aunt, and my grandmas (one died in 2001, the other died last year.) They're all sitting at a table enjoying sushi and other Japanese type food, which is a shock because none of them would ever even try that shit in real life. Anyway, we stay for a little bit, I talk to The Sir, we complain about how tiny the room is, and then me and mystery man leave. We go to this amusement park that is randomly set up on Cleveland Avenue. This boy I went to K-8 with, Jason J., runs it. He's not the owner, but he runs the whole thing. All the people who are there are people from my past - kids I went to school with, Preschool-Senior year, people I used to work with whose names I can't even remember, everyone. It seems like every single person I've ever said one word to is there. I meet up with my 8th grade class and we're going down these crazy water slides. For some reason though, you don't get wet. It's like you're sliding on top of the water, Jesus style. Crazy. We decide to go into this building nearby to chill out for awhile, and inside the building is just like a house with and upstairs and bedrooms and a kitchen and stuff. I want to take a nap, so I head to a bedroom. There is this ugly kid in there, and he's sick. I don't know him in real life, but he looks like someone I recently saw a picture of. I ask him if there is another place I could lay down, and he says no but I can stay here because he's leaving. I'm kinda icky about laying on the sheets he was laying on because this kid was just in the bathroom puking his guts out (I don't know what the deal with puking in these dreams is!) He goes into the bathroom and pukes some more, and as I'm debating on leaving all together, there is silence. I open the bathroom door and this kid looks dead laying on the floor covered in yak. I close the door and walk out, hoping he isn't really dead and just fainted or something. I meet up with mystery guy, and he says there is another place we could go to sleep. We go into this other bedroom, and it's really nice. We've just laid down when this girl I used to know, Cheryl, comes in. She tells me that MW needs my help. I'm like "wtf?! where is she?" and Cheryl says she's at at home, but hands me a bundle. Wrapped up inside is what looks like a fetus, but the towel isn't bloody or anything. She tells me that I need to take care of it, and not take care of it as in raise it but take care of it as in get rid of it. So I somehow come up with a plan to melt the baby. We just learned in class that meat is 75% water, 5% fat, and 20% protein, so in my mind this should work. Then there would be no evidence. I've acquired some sort of huge roasting pan, and the dream goes black and when it comes back the pan is filled with melted lard looking stuff with some chunks in it. Cheryl comes in and asks if I'm done, and I tell her to please get me a garbage can to dispose of this in. She does, I do, and that's that. Mystery man and I go for a walk. As we're walking, we stop under some trees to have sex. It's weird sex, and it didn't even seem like sex at all. We weren't naked either. We continue walking after that, and run into JAFH. He gives me $5 in quarters. I start crying, telling him I'm so sorry and I love him but I just can't commit to him. He walks away, we walk away. As we're turning the corner, I drop all my quarters on the ground. Mystery man kicks them away as I scramble to pick them up. Then I wake up.

I started nodding off on the couch around 10:30pm last night, and decided to get into bed. I fell asleep almost immediately, but then I woke up at 12:57am and couldn't fall back asleep until almost five. It was awful. I had the first dream, woke up at 6:17am, fell back asleep, woke up at 7:03am, fell back asleep, woke up at about 10:26am. Shit. Poke was sending me text messages about how much he loves me and misses me. I think those are what woke me up both times, and I know for sure it was when I finally got up at 10:26am. He told me last night that he's a bit scared out there, but even though he's 25 years old this is his first time ever being away from everybody, so it's understandable. As we were driving to the bus station, he said "I think I've overstayed my welcome" and I'm like "what?" and he said that he's overstayed his welcome in the way of being happy-go-lucky and basically it's time to be a man now. This made me happy. The text I got this morning though was good, he said that the first day of class was going well. He had a nightmare last night too! Awww. My poor Poke. I kept reassuring him that the 4 weeks will fly by and that this is the best decision he's ever made. I'm sure he'll do fine.

As for me, I have to quit DQ tonight and that's going to be interesting. Wish me luck.

That's a Big 10-4

2008-03-10T04:19:00.003-04:00

Well it's about 4:20am, I got home from dropping Poke at the bus station about an hour ago, maybe a little less. Shucks.

Blizzard '08

2008-03-09T11:02:00.003-04:00

YAY! SNOW!

We're still under a level 2 emergency, which means that nobody should be out or on the roads, but it's not illegal. Level 3 means they can ticket you or arrest you for being on the roads. Super AWESOME!

So, things have been going exactly my way. This makes me nervous that something terrible is going to happen to me, because I can't believe that for once my luck has actually changed.

First, I got approved for a supplemental student loan. I should have my money in a week or so! Yay!

Second, I probably have a new job at Steak'n'Shake. Not only are the hours better, but it's closer (I mean way close - not even 1/2 mile from my house, as opposed to DQ which is about 12 miles) and there's no bitchy boss's wife who hates me to deal with. Yay!

Third, Poke leaves tomorrow morning (if the busses are running that is) for Pennsylvania. He's going to trucking school. The one thing I never thought he would do, he's doing it. The one thing that was the determining factor for whether or not I give him a chance, he's doing it. That to me shows that he really does love me and really does care, because now he's got a real plan. He's making steps to improve himself to improve our relationship. This makes me happy. I'm not saying yet that we are definitely 100% getting back together, cuz I want to make sure he really goes through with this first, but it's looking pretty good. Yay!

So that's three things that have gone my way. They say everything comes in threes, so now I'm just so scared that a really awful something will happen. I hate this bad luck shit! I guess one shitty thing already did happen, I told DBH that I'm not interested in a relationship anymore, and he got pretty angry/upset and hasn't talked to me for about a week. He thinks it's all about Poke, I tried to explain to him that it's not, but he won't listen. It has everything to do with him being 500+ miles away, me having to kick up the juice at school and getting a new job where I work more hours, and most of all the fact that he disappeared on me for 4 days, I felt like shit the whole time, and when he finally started talking to me again, it was like nothing ever happened. I didn't even get an explanation from him as to why he stopped talking to me. So fuck that, I can't have all those "conditions" around a relationship. I thought we could still be friends, but since he's stopped talking to me again, I guess that's not going to happen. Live and let live I suppose.

Well, I have to figure out how I'm going to get my car out of the parking spot. The plow came by like 8 times last night and just piled the shit up on my bumper, and my poor little car is literally buried. Oh well, we'll see how it goes...

Here are a couple of videos for your viewing enjoyment:

And now: Pics!

Please Come to Boston for the Springtime...

2008-02-29T18:51:00.004-05:00

Things are going well. I don't even know what to talk about really, because there is no real pain, no real sadness... everything is going pretty damn good for me. I aced all three classes this term (just ended yesterday), Poke is back in the picture (no, we are not getting back together but he's making a really good case for himself), I seemed to have discarded all the baggage I've been carrying (other than divorce and financial problems, those may never go away...) as far as shitty friends and stuff like that go. I'm a happy girl. I guess I could tell you about how much I fucking hate DQ, about my interview with this character from Dreamgirls where I would like to work in their kitchen but he says I don't have buffet experience so he wants me to have one of my chefs teach me so I can get the job and teach them... I applied at Steak and Shake too, but they haven't called me yet, I guess they will on Monday or Tuesday. I need to get another student loan because my hours at DQ suck and I can't pay the bills. My electric bill was $170.00. I can't even buy groceries. I did talk to MMA tho and he said he'd pay for the disillusion so that might be good. If he does it.

23 Minutes in Hell

2008-02-18T22:58:00.001-05:00

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: Ian G
Date: Feb 18, 2008 6:30 PM

From: ATHEISTS AGNOSTICS SKEPTICS & HUMANISTS ON MYSPACE
Date: Feb 18, 2008 5:12 PM

wtf.

2008-02-18T11:50:00.000-05:00

The strange thing about being single is that I get hit on...

by

* hondurans
* el salvadorians
* half black/half asians
* short jamaicans
* assholes
* rappers

This was all last night. Now, I'm definitely not racist or wtfever, but omg. Bizzy was there, tellin me how cute I am (couldn't buy me a drink tho!), these 2 hispanic dudes were talking to me in spanish and i was like wtf how do you know i speak spanish, this incredibly short jamaican guy kept telling me dirty perverted things disguised as "articles he read in men's magazine", this asshole told me about the rodeo and his favorite part where the monkey rode the border collie like a horse, and the half black/asian guy was actually the only one that sparked my interest. I may call him on wednesday like I said I would. He was normal. But I've never dated outside my race. Especially twice! (ROFL that was a terrible attempt at being clever.)

Have a great day.

Oooh child things are gonna get easier...

2008-02-12T21:58:00.002-05:00

Well Poke and I are talking again. Nothin' doin', we're not getting back together, but for once in our lives I was able to really tell him what the facts were and he actually listened. Good. Maybe we can be normal friends, since we are so ingrained in each other as it is.

And the award goes to...

2008-02-10T17:22:00.000-05:00

Me!

For being overdramatic last night when I posted the last blog. I was feeling really shitty, and kinda blew it out of proportion. Yeah, shit still hurts but I will be fine.

Days Come and Go

2008-02-09T19:58:00.000-05:00

Being alive hurts so much right now.

In the last 40 days, I've lost my boyfriend (who, it seems, already has a new girlfriend), one of my best friends, and a very good friend that I was looking forward to getting to know a lot better. Why does everyone leave me? GG is the only friend I have now in 2008 that I had in 2007, 2006, and 2005. Heck, we were even friends for part of 2004. What is wrong with me? What have I ever done to deserve this? I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm feeling pain for myself. I hurt so much, I can't even put it into words. Everyone leaves me and moves on with their lives, being happy, and it doesn't even seem like life without me is any worse or better than before. How can you just drop someone who was a major everyday part of your life and not be affected? Even after I've broken up with someone, I still miss their presence in my life. Maybe I'm strange. I don't know. All I know is that this shit hurts and I don't really know what keeps me going anymore. I want to curl up in a ball and die. Earlier this year I was so fucking happy. I didn't think anything could go wrong. I guess that was where I went wrong. Even school means practically nothing to me right now, but it's the only thing I have so I might as well do a good job at it. I'm just a shell of what used to be. That was so cliche, but I can't think of anything else to describe it. I want to stab myself in the heart and just be done with it.

You take the breath right outta me - You left a hole where my heart should be.

Enemy - New Favorite Song

2008-02-08T11:10:00.000-05:00

The words you used were mine, used a thousand times
Doesn't make them what I've bled
I hated you, I loathed you
Though felt, I never let the words begin to spill

Make me sick 'till I can't breathe
Never want to be your enemy
Silence me, so I can't be,
Never want to be your enemy
I walk the

High road away from you
God knows what I've been through
This is the life I have, this is the life I choose
I walked away, the high road away from you
Walk away, walk away, you made an enemy

I never, I never wanted, I never wanted to poison or burn through
Labeled malcontent, by bastards of decent,
excuse this place I stand, words are to elude you

Make me sick 'till I can't breathe
Never want to be your enemy
Silence me, so I can't be,
Never want to be your enemy
I walk the

High road away from you
God knows what I've been through
This is the life I have, this is the life I choose
I walked away, the high road away from you
Walk away, walk away, you made an enemy

Deep inside realize never want to be your enemy
Change me, rearrange me, make me your enemy (Yeah)
Deep inside realize never want to be your enemy (Walk away from)
Change me, rearrange me, make me your enemy (Enemy, yeah)
Deep inside realize never want to be your enemy (Walk away from)
Change me, rearrange me, make me your enemy, your enemy
I walk the

High road away from you
God knows what I've been through
This is the life I have, this is the life I choose
I walked away, the high road away from you
Walk away, walk away, you made an enemy

The Twilight Zone

2008-02-07T02:11:00.000-05:00

I.
Can't.
Sleep.

I have a doctor's appointment at 10 am tomorrow morning (well ok, i should say in six flippin' hours...) and I am NOT tired. Now, if I didn't have to work tomorrow night it wouldn't be so bad, but tomorrow is going to be the LONGEST day ever.

Other news:
Still haven't heard from my friend. I'm worried. I know he won't pull a Poke on me and just take off, and sometimes I know he gets a little antisocial, I just wish he'd at least say hi or something. Maybe I'm being selfish, but goddamnit, I want to talk to my friend!

I gave up beer for lent again this year. So far, so good. I don't think I will miss it, as I am now more open to liquor-based drinks such as cheap vodka and soda water, lol.

I guess that's all. Oh, here are birthday pics:

Me and MW

Me and KS from school

Me and AT from school

My super awesome cup with lights and a penis!

Me drinking from said cup

MW and her girlfriend

AC yay

Me and RW from school

Me and RP from school

Me and EM from school

Open Mouth, Insert Foot.

2008-02-05T12:31:00.001-05:00

Ack. I wish sometimes I could just say things without the entire world crashing down around me.

DBH and I are not in a relationship, ya know? We're just friends. We're just talking. Even so, he's worried about his two friends who don't like me over something I said over a year ago (you may recall someone being described as loking like a potato.) He doesn't want to be in the situation where they make them choose, and I sure don't want that either. I would never want to come between him and his friends. Well anyway, last night I was talking to GG and told her to keep things on the downlow, so as to keep all drama to a minimum. It's not like he's hiding anything, he's just not volunteering any info (his words.) This is all fine with me. But for some reason it really upset him last night and now I feel like shit. We were talking about it last week and we were both really upset over it, but I don't know what happened last night. I think maybe when I said "whatever, it's fine, I'm used to it" he thought that I was comparing him to Poke. I just have to make sure he knows that I would never compare him to Poke in any way whatsoever other than to tell him how much better he is than Poke ever could be. Just the fact that he's worried about this whole friend thing and how they will react shows me that he cares so much. Poke was always like "fuck you, I'm not telling my mom and that's it." Except for now DBH is not talking to me. I sent him a little e-card apologizing for upsetting him, I know he saw it, but he didn't respond to my texts last night. I'm just going to give him some time and space to chill out, because I don't want to seem clingy or as if I'm turning this whatever it is into a big deal relationship or something. I just feel so shitty for hurting my friend and making him upset.

*sigh* That's about all for now.

Sex

2008-02-04T12:35:00.000-05:00

OMG!

Ok, that was for DBH. He said I should post that, so I did. But now I shall continue. My birthday was SUPER fun on Friday. A lot of people came, WR, EM, KS, AT, RP, RW - all from school, plus MW and her girlfriend, AC, The Sir and his girl, and one of EM's friends I met at the end of last term. It was a blast. There was a new karaoke guy doing the show, and he was so fun. I really REALLY like his system, it's clear and good. The only problem was that I was so nervous to sing in front of my friends that I didn't rock out like I normally do. OH well. For my birthday I got a super cool cup with lights and a penis inside and a card from MW and her girlfriend, a card from everyone at the bar, a card from the people at school, a card from AT, and a card with 5 lottery tickets from The Sir and his girl - I won $3.00! I drank and drakn and my tab was only $10 lol, but I was so drunk that they wouldn't let me drive home even though I insisted it would be fine cuz I live across the street, but AC took me home anyway.

Saturday, I woke up around 8:00 am and walked over to Groucho's parking lot and got my car. I think I was still a bit intoxicated, but maybe I was just still half asleep. I dunno. Either way, when I got home, I made a grilled cheese sandwich, talked on the phone for a bit, and then napped until almost 2:00 pm. I pretty much laid around all day long, ate some food, laid around some more, napped randomly... yeah. It was nice. RM called me at some point, and we talked about goign out to Helen's again. She had to go out with some friends from work, so we hooked up around 10:30pm. While I was waiting for her, DBH called me and we talked for about an hour. That was nice. He was on his way back from PA, and I told him he should have driven the other way because PA is right next to Ohio and it would have been only like 6 hrs to get here. Oh well! Soon enough. But I digress. RM and I went to Helen's and it was so fun. I love those people! They are all older, crazy, and love karaoke. They are all super nice too and really have manners. The karaoke dude's wife kept trying to hook me up with this guy that I've known for about 4 years, and I was like "noooooo NO NO NO" but she kept insisiting that I "agress" and try to get him to talk to me. Now let me tell you, once a long time ago I was on match.com and this dude ended up being like a 99% match on their little system. He's alright, but not very cute, and he's kinda strange in a very strange way. I just can't even like... have a conversation with him, let alone try to date this guy! Oh well. We had so much fun, it was awesome, I was happy.

Then I made a mistake when I got home. I got on myspace for shits, and noticed that one person was missing from my friend list. I checked it out, and it ended up being Poke's brother who had deleted me. Then for some reason I decided to look at Poke's page, and some bitch had left a comment about fucking on there. I got all irritated and upset, but whatever. If that's what he's going to fuck after leaving me, more power to him. He's never going to find someone as awesome as I am. I've already got somebody in my life who is more caring, romantic, and who wants me more than he ever did. Good luck to him, and once again, I hope his penis falls off. he doesn't deserve to have one.

Sunday morning I woke up sad, so I talked to DBH and he made me feel so much better. Sometimes I just need all that reassurance. I get all these shitty thoughts in my head and I can't get them out, and I need someone to stick their little prongs into my brain and pull all the crap out. Ya Know? Anyway, I got a little sad again after feeling better because DBH told me that he is not, in fact, taking a week off in March because he already used up his vacation. I wasn't too sad though, since it only costs $35 on SkyBus to fly here for a weekend. All we have to do is coordinate our work schedules. It will be just fine. I CAN'T WAIT! Hahaha, yes, I'm excited.

Later, when I get home, I will post pictures of my birthday.

Crazy Old Ladies, Sexy Young Men

2008-01-30T12:41:00.000-05:00

Wow. What a year this has already been for me. It started off promising, quickly headed south towards the pits of Hell, and now has been givien a violent shove into seriously almost wonderful.

Poke - haven't talked to him. D*Martin told me that Poke said he wished I would have just said "Good, Leave." instead of trying to plead with him to come back to me. The reason is that "drooling over someone isn't sexy." Well I'm so sorry I wasn't trying to be sexy when you tell me the relationship is over, I'm so sorry but I also wasn't drooling - I was trying to salvage the fucking relationship! Whatever. I am SO better off without him. I just need to figure out what to do with all the crap he left at my house.

Cat - Well I don't know if I ever mentioned this before, but our friendship suffered a blow when she decided I was shitty for wanting to hang out at Groucho's even after she cancelled her show there. She had told everyone that the show was cancelled, then changed her mind 3 days later, and so the owner got someone else to fill in. Well when BC went there to set up for the show, the new guy was already there set up. Cat was furious! I'm like whatever, it's her fault for not being clear with the owner. She gets all pissed off at me, since I'm a bad friend for not supporting her decision to cancel, and for not being pissed at the owner that he got someone else to do the show. She says that they screwed her over, I totally disagree because she's the one who cancelled the show in the first place. Well anyway, she got over it, decided that we had been friends for too long to let something stupid come between us.

I am having my birthday party at Groucho's this Friday, and I didn't invite her because I knew 100% that she wouldn't come - she has a show, she doesn't like Groucho's, and she bitches about smoking. Why would I invite her if she couldn't come anyway? Regardless, I had left a comment on D*Martin's MySpace when he said he didn't want to come and risk running into her. I said, "She's not invited because she has to work, hahaha, so there's no excuse." Apparently she saw this and now I'm a terrible friend. She deleted me from her MySpace, she wrote me two nasty emails, and that's that. Well okay then, if she's going to be so stubborn and self-righteous, I don't need her as a friend because it's not a real friendship anyway.

The first email:
Yeah, I saw your comment on D*Martin's page. "She's not invited, cause she has a show at Trumps." Oh how convenient for you and D*Martin, your fucking buddy. You fucking suck. And, no I am not drunk. You are a backstabber. Yeah, I am your BFF, isn't that forever. Well, not anymore. You arranged this party just so I wouldn't show up. Maybe Poke is right. Take me off your list. You are no friend. Cat

The second email:
You know I have always been there for you, and for you to post something like that on D*Martin's page, is a slap in the face to me. I can't believe that you would do something like that. Especially to a dude that totally fucked me over, and every one else that he comes in contact with. I can't believe that anyone at Groucho's would want to see him either. He's fucking pathetic. And you are now just as bad. But to do it to me who has always been a friend to you. The part that hurts the most is saying I'm not invited because I am at Trumps and no longer at Groucho's. You have no excuse for this. I have been a loyal friend to you, and I expect my friends to be loyal to me, as well. You are not a loyal friend. You hurt me with that comment, so now you can have D*Martin around all you want. Why don't you invite Mel while you're at it? That is all I have to say. Cat

So, that's about it for that story. Onward.

School - SCHOOL RULES. I am a soup/sauce genius! So far this is my strongest thing ever. I rock out soups like it's my job (lol maybe someday it will be) and my sauce are of perfect consistency. It's so great. Not to mention that my other classes are fucking easier than oh um let's say breathing... Computers is easy cuz I know all this shit already, and purchasing is just plain simple. We have to do math in purchasing, which I was a little worried about because I didn't know if I would remember everything my old professor had taught me. It's all good though. Our block is a great group, except for one, but that's okay because there has to be one in every group, right? It's all about attitude and cooperation. Some people lack things that piss everyone off, but what can you do? Move on. She won't last. I have a new kind of BFF, WR. (Not to be confused with WR from Midwest Financial, who is no longer a part of my life. So don't get all messed up.) She and I have a lot in common, and she really REALLY helped me through the whole Poke breakup bullshit. I like her, she is nice. LOL

Love life, or lack thereof, or prospective significant others - I recently started talking to an old person of interest, DBH. He and I have not met in person, but we talk on the phone and online for hours on end, and we've been friends for about a year and a half. He lives in New York State, about 8 hours from here. He has a shitty car, so he's going to have to fly if he wants to visit. It's amazing. He tells me he wants me so badly, and I'm like "why?" and he says it's because I turn him on so much. I'm like "well what about my devastating charm or big wrinkly brain?" and he responds that it's all part of the whole package. THE WHOLE PACKAGE! It's awesome. GG is the one who introduced me to him, and I'm glad she did. I was telling her about the recent developments in this potential relationship, and she's like "Well he's very quiet and neither Megz nor I have been able to get him to open up to us." (Megz is a friend he works with at OGR.) I told her that I haven't really put any pressure on him or tried to pry things out of him, we simply juat talk. Last night I asked him why he wants me, and he said "Because you're sweet and funny and you make me a better person when I'm talking to you." Awwwww.

That's all, I will totally keep you all updated, do not fear.

The Time's They Are A-Changin'

2008-01-25T00:13:00.000-05:00

Well, as you all know, Poke left me, yet again. I suppose it's partly my fault for trusting him again, and believing him when he said he had changed/grown/found me to be the one he'd be with forever. But people are selfish and people run, so what can I do? He wanted it all, I gave it to him, but it just wasn't enough. But I digress.

School is going just awesome for me, I'm going to be a big time chef sooner than we all realize. I plan on doing my externship in Boston if I can get hooked up with a place there. Being single is now the best feeling in the world. Sure, I miss having someone to talk to and someone to share my accomplishments with, but knowing that I have NO ONE and NOTHING holding me back is absolutely wonderful. Imagine if I had stayed with him till the end of time - it probably would have turned out like my marriage, with me bringing home all the bacon and him sitting on his ass drinking and working a shit hole job, or maybe eventually, not even having one at all. So FUCK THAT and I rule.

Someday I'll be chowing down on fresh-from-Japan Kobe beef while he sits in his mom's apartment jacking off to clown porn and eating a rallyburger. GO ME!

(i) get lost

2008-01-15T23:49:00.000-05:00

**Click Play on the Video First**

I'm sorry.
Why should I say I'm sorry?
If I hurt you,
You know you've hurt me too.

But you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing I can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

You're angry.
Why shouldn't you be angry?
With what we've been through,
Well I get angry too.

But you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing I can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

'Cause I am nothing without you.

Why should we have taken so long
To be looking inside of our mind?
Everything we tried went wrong.
Are we worried 'bout what we might find?

I'm sorry,
But can I say I'm sorry?
If I hurt you,
You know it hurts me too.

But you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing I can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

And you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing we can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

'Cause I am nothing without you.
And I am nothing without you.
'Cause I am nothing without you.
'Cause I am nothing without you.

Three times the curse

2008-01-13T21:55:00.000-05:00

Well fuck. I'm done.

"Zzyzx Rd."

I don't know how else to put this
It's taken me so long to do this
I'm falling asleep and I can't see straight
My muscles feel like a melee
My body's curled in a U-shape
I put on my best but I'm still afraid

Propped up by lies and promises
Saving my place as life forgets
Maybe its time I saw the world

I'm only here for a while
But patience is not my style
And I'm so tired that I gotta go

What am I supposed to hide now?
What am I suppose to do?
Did you really think I wouldn't see this through

Tell me I should stick around for you
Tell me I could have it all
I'm still too tired to care and I gotta go

I get to go home in one week
But I leaving home in three weeks
They throw me a bone just to pick me dry

I'm following suit and directions
I crawl up inside for protection
I'm told what to do and I don't know why

I'm over existing in limbo
I'm over the myths and placebos
I don't really mind if I just fade away

I'm ready to live with my family
I'm ready to die in obscurity
'Cause I'm so tired that I gotta go

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I suppose to do?
You still don't think I'm going see this through

Tell me I'm a part of history
Tell me I can have it all
I'm still to tired to care and I gotta go

Oh yeah
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Still too tired to care and I gotta go
Still too tired to care and I gotta go
Still too tired to care and I gotta go

Yeah, yeah

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

Go home

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

Yeah yeah

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

12 hours from now

2008-01-07T01:59:00.001-05:00

...I'll be done with my first class of the new term. But for now, I can't FUCKING SLEEP. Grrr.

I'm not "nervous" or "excited" or "anxious" or whatever you wanna call it. I guess the word is "restless". I get so... restless... that I can't sleep. It happens every time something is going to happen the next day - interview, school, going to work after three days off, the Tuesday before my period (it usually comes on Wednesdays, lol), my birthday, ANYTHING. I just get all fucked up inside but I don't feel fucked up, and I just can't sleep. It's ridiculous. I get this weird little ache in my lower back, I lose my appetite, I get irritated easily. So strange. And as far as I can tell, there is nothing I can do about it. Damn.

More beer. Then "sleep", or, should I say, "laying in bed til the alarm goes off".

Buy My Book!

2008-01-06T22:36:00.000-05:00

Click Here to do so
=)

Going on Year Three

2008-01-03T12:38:00.000-05:00

Me and Poke on New Year's Eve

Well it'll be three years at the end of this month since I started this blog. I was reading some old posts and I'm just amazed at how things have changed. I'm not as angry as I used to be, there is a lot less drama in my life, and one thing has stayed the same: I'm constantly broke. Lame!

So, let's talk about the last week or so. After Christmas I worked a few days at the DQ, there was no snow anywhere, and things were going just fine. This past Sunday Poke and I spent a wonderful day together doing grownup things - first we went to Penn Station for lunch after I picked him up (it was gross but I think it's just that restaurant cuz it sucked both times I went there), then we tried to go to Revol to get a new battery for his phone but they were closed, then we headed to Easton to exchange the ring I got him for Christmas for a bigger size. I must stop here and says Jesus Mary and Joseph where the HELL did all these people come from?! Granted, I tend to stay away from any kind of public forum during the holiday season, and elected to get all my shopping done on the one day when there was a major snowfall and most schools were closed, at 11:30am on a Tuesday morning when nobody, and I do mean NOBODY but employees were at the mall. Needless to say, I was sure surprised when we got into the mall (after spending oh, about 15 minutes looking for a parking spot) and it was packed! What the heck!? But I digress. After the mall excursion, we headed over to Giant Eagle to get my prescription and to grocery shop for Poke's mom. I benefited by acquiring some cat litter, yay. We dropped off the groceries in a sneaky type-fashion, and then headed off to Marcus Crosswoods to see I Am Legend. I had originally wanted to surprise him with seeing No Country for Old Men, but it wasn't playing for another 3 hours. I Am Legend was a freakin' awesome movie, and I am not even going to say a word about it because every mother fucker in the WORLD needs to see this movie, oh. my. god. After the movie I dropped him off so he could get his car, then we chilled here, had some dinner (tasty but diarrhea causing Banquet Homestyle Bake!) watched a bunch of crap on TV and also watched a good show, The Tribal Life, on TLC or Travel or something. Good Times.

Monday Poke had to work so I laid around the house all day, did a little bit of laundry, but mostly napped on and off. I felt like an invalid! Seriously. Anyway, we were supposed to go to this place called Level One Lounge that is across from my parents' house, but of course Poke abandoned all plans as usual. I actually got to spend some time at his house with Poke's brother and his (girl)friend (strange) because their mom was at the zoo. Around 7:45pm though I started panicking because nobody knew when she had actually left, so nobody knew when she would be home. We headed over towards the Sawmill area, cuz that's where everyone wanted to be at, and decided to eat at Sunflower. The food there was really good, I mean you pretty much can't go wrong with Chinese food, but the service was terrible. Not even like, oh she can't speak English terrible, but just rude waitress terrible. Oh well. After that we drove around looking for Average Joe's because apparently that's where everyone wanted to go. Bah. We drove up and down Sawmill looking for it, I tried calling my parents and my brother to find out if they knew where Hoggy's was since it was next to the bar, and nobody was answering. Finally JWW figured out where it was, called us, and we got there in one piece. Of course we had to wait like 20 minutes for everyone else to show up, but whatever. We started out sitting at the bar, and I was getting really kinda irritated because JWW and his girl and their friend and D*Martin (yes he came with them!) were all talking and Poke and I were kind alienated. I saw a table open up behind us and I made everyone move over there, and finally it was a fun night.

JWW's girl's friend and D*Martin

JWW's girl!

JWW and his girlfriend

Me and Poke

JWW

Poke showin' off his new ring!

Me!

JWW and his girl, just after midnight...

Around 1:00am on 01/01/08 we left the bar and headed towards my parents' house. We stopped at another bar on the way there to get a six pack, and drank that while we laid on the pull-out sofa bed in their living room and watched The South Park Movie. I woke up to my mom calling me from Target to ask if a brown firescreen was OK. I said it was. They had already been to church and breakfast and some other stores. It was only 11:something am! I was sore as a goat because the pull-out is so ridiculously uncomfortable and basically like sleeping on a blanket covering three metal bars. Poke said it was better than my bed. I almost kicked him but I couldn't move because of all the pain. We laid around their house all day, watched American Hustle (which Poke actually enjoyed hahahaha I knew he would), then my mom made pork and sauerkraut and it was good and Poke didn't like it (I will admit the pork was dry and Poke is a gravy lovin' kinda guy) and we ate a lot of crescent rolls. Then we were going to hang out for a little while but my mom was bitching about how we just laid around all day and didn't do anything and said something about how she can't watch her TV til we leave (there are 3 or 4 TVs in the house by the way) and my dad was like "yeah HINT" so we left right then and there.

Shitty shitty weather awaited us outside. It wasn't too horrific, but the snow was blowing all over the road and made it hard to see if it was icy or not. We had planned to go see No Country for Old Men, so that's what we did, and damn that movie is so fucked up. I mean, even if I was a person who never swore or cursed in my entire life, I would have no other description than "fucked up" to describe it. It takes place in 1980, it's kind of a western, it's totally indescribable. I liked it. When we came out of the movie theatre, even shittier weather awaited us. I decided to take 270 home because I figured it would be clearer since there was more traffic on there than the regular roads. Yeah well that was a great plan until this asshole excursion van started tailing me and I started freaking out because they wouldn't pass me, then they finally did and as I was finally calming down a godforsaken semi truck roared past me and sprayed my windshield with crap and i couldn't see shit and I was freaking out even more so I just got off on 23 and took 161 all the way home. It was bullshit. We sat on the couch and watched SVU and finished off the wee bit of alcohol that was still left in the house.

In the morning there were schools and businesses closed and everything. I kept trying to call DQ to see if they wanted me to come in, but nobody answered. I had to take Poke home anyway, so I just got dressed and decided to work. We left the house at 9:30am, got to his place at 10:00 am (a normally 10 minute drive) and I got on 270 by his place and was delighted to see that it was nice and dry and clear so I ended up being only 6 minutes late for work. Work was alright yesterday, sometimes I get really frustrated because my boss (whom I've known for 10+ yrs) likes to make fun of me and put me down and all that, and seeing as I have like no self-confidence at all, it kinda pisses me off. Add his cunt wife to the mix and sometimes work is almost unbearable. But whatever. She snapped at me yesterday and I snapped right back and that's just the way it's going to be until the end of time or I find another job. I applied at a couple restaurants today so hopefully it will be the latter!

After work I got some Chinese food (I have phases where I really don't want to eat anything else, it's weird) and chilled out by myself. Took a little nap, watched mindless TV, drank some beers and settled in for my two favorite shows, WifeSwap and SuperNanny. They were great episodes last night, and there was even a bonus SuperNanny! WOOT! I cleaned the bathroom on commercials, and made a plan to clean today. Oh, I also discovered something last night - although I hate midgets, I have no problem with primordial dwarfs. Very interesting. I was watching some show last night on them too.

I've been up since 9:41am, and it's only 1:00pm. I haven't eaten anything but I'm only now starting to get hungry. I guess I'll have leftover Chinese and probably a quesadilla. I have to remind Poke to bring some meat (hehe) tonight so I can make dinner for us. I'm trying to plan a romantic evening in this wonderful clean new house but I suck at that shit so we'll see how it goes.

The End.

PS - Here is a pic of my new fireplace screen! It's to keep the cats out of the damn fireplace, those monsters...

Coucon

2007-12-25T21:35:00.000-05:00

So Christmas was fine. Last night my parents and I went to church and that was okay. The priest made me nervous cuz he was all over the place and talking so fast and randomly singing Christmas songs... but at least he wasn't stodgy. SJK didn't go with us because he decided to go later with his stupid slut girlfriend, NL. I really really don't like her. She's rude. But I digress. After church we went to McDonald's and got some food (gross) and when we got back to my parents' house Poke was waiting outside in the car because 1) he didn't bother to knock on the door and 2) when I had talked to SJK asking what he wanted from McD's, I told him to please look and see if Poke was out there waiting, and of course he saw him out there but refused to go to the car and tell him to come in. SJK pretty much irritated me this whole holiday. But anyway. SJK left after eating with us, and so for the next three hours it was just my parents and us. My mom and I made muffins and coucon, well I did and she helped! LOL. Poke and my dad watched wrestling til we were done and then we watched this Lifetime movie that was very good. SJK finally got home around 12:30am and then we opened some presents. Poke got me a pair of amthyst earrings that blow the pair SL got me 2 yrs ago right off the map. They are SO beautiful! I got him a Build-a-Bear teddy bear named Trevor and a ring. My parents got him some socks. =) I got SJK 2 t-shirts which he surprisingly loved, and some awesome Omaha Steakhouse top sirloins for my parents. SJK got me a Simpson's t-shirt.
Poke had said he was going to stay overnight, but then changed his mind when he realized he might have to be there when everyone wakes up to open gifts. He didn't want to have to explain anything in the morning to his &*(^^#* mom. Needless to say I was very very sad about this, because I haven't seen him since Saturday morning. So we sat and talked awhile after everyone went to bed. It was alright.
In the morning I woke up so freakin' early, even though I had fallen asleep at like three am. I called SJK on his cell around 10am so that we could open our presents. I rec'd the following:

bed sheets
flat iron
framed photo of SJK's senior picture
jelly beans
shampoo/conditioner
blanket
socks
kitschy toilet-shaped candle
magnet
keychain w/orange cone on it that lights up

I was also supposed to get some awesome Bistro Crocs but *sniff* the stores were out so they are on backorder. Hopefully they will arrive in a week or so. Also I was supposed to get a screen for the fireplace, but my mom wanted to wait til the after Christmas sales are on, so... yeah. Soon I will be getting more gifts. Oh and I got Chapstick.
We got dressed and stuff and then my Aunt SK and Uncle BK arrived at close to one. We talked to them for a little bit, then SJK and I watched "American Hustle" with Katt Williams. It was HILARIOUS. I almost puked I was laughing so hard. Then was dinner, ham, mac'n'cheese, green bean casserole, and bread. My mom only made 1/3 of what she usually makes for some reason. Probably cuz of all this bullshit my brother has gotten them into, but more on that later. Then we relaxed, opened gifts from Aunt/Uncle, I got $50 total in cash. That is very nice to have!!! All in all, a fair Christmas. I'm not all that upset for not getting a ton of stuff like I usually do because my parents have done way more for me during the year this year than any other year, plus my GMaP's extra funeral/etc expenses, SJK's bull, and everything else.

So, SJK's crap first. He got arrested for underage drinking and now my parents are in trouble cuz it was at their house. The end.

Now, why Poke's mom hates me. This may have been mentioned before but what the fuck I'll tell you again anyway. When we broke up the first time, I was so angry and seeing red over everything. I wanted to hurt him as much as he had hurt me, so I sent an email on MySpace to some of the girls on his list (oh, I think it was only about 7) and one of them, unfortunately, was his sister. Since I had never met her, I had no way of knowing it was her. All I knew was she had Poke as her #1 friend - by the way, they look absolutely nothing alike. Anyway. She snapped back at me and I defended myself, she snapped back again and I defend again, and then she snapped back one more time and I decided to not even waste my time with this dumb fucking bitch. Well she goes and tells Poke's mom EVERYTHING. Needless to say, he forgave me anyway and we got back together. When we were together the 2nd time, I stopped by his house to pick something up. His mom happened to come home while I was there, and instead of being considerate or normal and waiting until I left, she called Poke upstairs while I was sitting there and proceeded to yell at him about what a terrible person I was/am. Then as you know, we broke up again, and as he was leaving he said to me "You know my mother was right, you are crazy and unstable." so of course that made me hate her even more. As the story goes, we got back together AGAIN (and have been together since then, thank you!) and he constantly has to evade the truth so that she doesn't find out. He's worried that she'll give him an ultimatum, such as "break up with her or you're out" which he will choose me, but then he doesn't want to have to go crawling back if something should happen down the line (doubt it but you never know.) Also he and I would never ever be able to make it on our own. Right now he has practically no bills and no rent or anything. I have tons. he makes enough to get himself by plus special things for me, but there is no way we could live. He wants to get his CDL but keeps making excuses, and that's pretty much the only we fight over. As I mentioned, on Thanksgiving he tried to tell his sister about us, but she's so blind and/or ignorant that she can't even grasp what he and I have. Everyone who has even HEARD me talk about him knows that I worship the ground he walks on. I always have. But apparently that's not good enough, because all she has to say about me is that I'm psycho. Doesn't matter that I'm bettering myself (at a "cracker jack school" according to her) or that we've been together all this time and we're so happy (but I'm psycho...) It's very frustrating. So that's that.

Merry Fucking Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-24T11:45:00.001-05:00

Survey from GG

2007-12-19T18:28:00.000-05:00

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Depends on the gift.

2. Real tree or artificial? In my dreams, real. But because of my monster kittens, artificial.

3. When do you put up the tree? If it's real about 2 wks before Christmas. I've never had an artificial one.

4. When do you take the tree down? 2nd week of January.

5. Do you like eggnog? Delicious.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Anything Barbie.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Not at my house, but I'm gonna try and con my mom out of the one she has!

8. Hardest person to buy for? SJK.

9. Easiest person to buy for? Cats.

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? My husband bought me a skirt/pants/shirt that all matched and they were ugly as sin... I never wore them.

11. Mail or email Christmas cards? Both!

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Anything related to "A Christmas Carol" and also "A Christmas Story."

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? ASAP.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No. That's crappy.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Green Bean Casserole

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear on the tree, colored on the windows.

17. Favorite Christmas song? "Let it Snow" and "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" and "The Little Drummer Boy"

18. Stay home or travel for Christmas? Home to my parents' house, which is like 20 minutes away.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen. Plus Rudolph!!

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Angel

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? One on Christmas eve, the rest on Christmas morning.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Those people that sit in front of stores ringing the bells. - I agree with GG!

Hi there.

2007-12-05T07:39:00.000-05:00

Let it snow!

As usual people are being stupid and freaking out. There is probably 2-3" (5-7.5cm!) of snow on the ground, and it will all be melted off the road by noon, I'm sure, when it's time for moi to go to school. The trucks were already out dumping brine on Thanksgiving. City was actually prepared this time! But I digress. People are stupid. Unfortunately I fall into this category because I lost my scraper and have to get a new one... after letting my car warm up so the stupid snow can melt off... which will take like 20 min... also I need washer fluid. So yeah, I'm less prepared than the City. Hahaha.

School is going great. There is this one girl that I just can't stand. Everything to her is a competition, and at this point in the game, that's totally unnecessary. When we're seniors and it's me vs her for a job, then it can be competition. Right now is learning time. Everything I do is wrong, or I got the right answer but in the wrong way, or so forth. If she does anything wrong, it's not her fault. She insists on being in charge of everything all the time. At this point, I'm just like wtf Ever. I'm letting it get to me now and I'll just bitch and moan for a bit until I get it out of my system. She really is a nice girl, but goddam I wish she'd shut her trap. She is always talking back to the Chefs too, which is just beyond me how someone could actually smart off to a college (or any for that matter) teacher. Other than her annoying the crap out of me, school rules. I have 120+/100 pts in math (beyond an A+!!) and I got a 98.3% on my midterm, I'm pretty sure I have an A+ in ServSafe, which is safety and sanitation, because I have aced every single test, even got 100% on my midterm!, and as for Cooking, I'm sure I have an A in that too. I got an 81% on my written test in cooking lab, because i mixed up all the lengths of cuts of vegetables. So ghey. But I got 14/15 on my practical (cooking snow peas!) so that rules. At the lowest I have a B+ I'd say, just because we've only had 3 tests. There is one on Monday though. But I should ace it - stupid sandwiches. Although I did lose it over a grilled ham and swiss last week, hahahahha. I dunno what happened btwn my brain and my hands but I tried to flip the damn thing over and it just all slid apart and then this boy was trying to help me and then I was crying and it was sooooooo lame. But I was fine after that. LOL.

I had kinda forgotten abt J1&J2 since it's been over a year since I saw them or even talked to them, til GMc reminded me in a letter about them. I did remember that they moved to Lancaster tho. I guess things weren't going so well with J2's job as a apainter. That's pretty much the story all over this crappy country, esp in the midwest. Everything is so grim. I'm glad I'm going to college and getting a swell trade to work in so that I can pretty much go anywhere in the world, within reason, and get a good job. I'm really looking forward to moving to Massachusettes in abt 5-7 yrs. That is my "long term plan" or whatever they call it.

I woke up at 6am to check the news because all the Chefs were like "we might be closed tomorrow check the closings!" and we are NOT closed and now I'm kinda angry that I missed out on 3 hrs of sleep. Once I wake up it's so hard to go back to sleep, esp when I know I have to wake up a little earlier because it will take me longer to get there and also I have to go to CVS and buy a scraper. LOL. And to the bank because I FINALLY GOT MY STUDENT LOAN CHECK WOOOOOOOOO! $2,833 to be exact, not enough to pay every single bill but close enough. I'm only short about $400 a month, and working at DQ covers that plus extra. My life, it seems, may finally be back on track. I hope.

I was telling GMC that I still have this blog, but I don't update every day like I used to. Sometimes it's only once a week. There is practically no drama in my life anymore, so I really have nothing to talk about! Hahahahaha. I suppose I could talk about the good things. Perhaps I should.

Well I guess I'm gonna go try to sleep for like, an hour and a half now... My poor cats are starving to death over here, someone forgot to tell me we are out of cat food... I think I will give them an egg.

Meh.

2007-11-22T22:46:00.000-05:00

Family is ok. Thanksgiving is good. School rules. Poke is awesome. Blah blah blah no news is good news, right?

PS - Poke actually tried to tell his sister about us being together and she wouldn't listen to him. Like mother like daughter I suppose... At least he put forth the effort, that makes me happy.

I wish I had money so I could have friends

2007-11-10T22:18:00.000-05:00

I am having so many mental problems right now. So many. I'm upset over practically everything, and I don't like feeling that way. I'm upset because the stupid financial plan I had for school has to change and I have to work five days a week just to pay my bills because the student loans aren't enough. I'm upset because I have all these supposed friends who never call me, never invite me out, etc. I'm upset because my boyfriend is still friendly with girls he used to fuck. I'm upset because my mom isn't being very supportive or understanding about my current situation. I'm upset because I can't even afford to go out and have a good time, if anyone would happen to call me and invite me to do so. I'm upset because my boyfriend goes out and has fun without me while I'm at home miserable and doesn't really seem to care. I'm upset because my boyfriend won't tell his mom that we're dating.

I wish that for once in my fucking life things would go right. I wish I could just not care about who Poke talks to. I wish I could not care about his mother. I wish someone would call me and be like "hey, wanna come over?" I wish I could talk to my mom without being lectured about every fucking thing I've ever done wrong.

I feel so alone right now. I'm so sad.

Fuck the Government!

2007-11-08T19:30:00.000-05:00

Yeah, ok. I'm pissed. Everything was going along swimmingly, I've been a little short on cash, but that's ok, cuz my student signature loan is going to be here on Tuesday, right?

Oh no, WRONG. So wrong.

No, apparently they want to make sure I'm going to be a student for 30 days before they'll disburse my check to the school who then disburses it to me. So as of today, I'm facing eviction and my electric will be shut off on the 15th.

Anyone feel like lending me $1200.00? I'll pay you back at the middle December...

Priceless

2007-11-07T20:54:00.000-05:00

1 Big Mac - $3.09
1 pack of Index Cards - $0.79
1 12 pack of Beast Ice - $5.49
(tax) - $0.42

Having a swell boyfriend who buys all these random things for me - Priceless.

I don't have a clever title for this post.

2007-11-05T10:56:00.000-05:00

The first week of school was great. We're already on Chapter 7 in Kitchen Lab (Basic Kitchen skills) and I learned how to do some cuts like julienne and bernoise and other fancy French words. Culinary Math is ok, I'm doing better than I thought I would but my homework last night was kinda difficult... I'll probably get it eventually. ServSafe is my other class, I have 3 classes a day, and it's pretty good too. Gross, but oh well. I'll be certified in December after I pass the test. I made a couple of friends, AT and EM, a girl and a boy, they are pretty nice. Everyone at school is great really. I'm happy that I'm not the oldest person in my classes! That's what I was really worried about. All in all, I'm a super happy girl.

The Biggest Shock of 2007

2007-10-24T18:38:00.000-04:00

My luck *may* have actually changed.

Thanks to my mom's good credit, I finally got approved for the student loan that I needed to go to school. WOO HOO!

I'm no longer the saddest girl in the world.

The Only Thing That's Real

2007-10-22T20:43:00.000-04:00

I haven't been this depressed in years. I may have written before about being sad or miserable, but I am really truly depressed at this moment. I didn't get approved for the student loan to help with extra finances, so now I can't go to school. There is no way I can pay my bills just working at DQ, so I've applied for a waitressing job at this restaurant down the street. Why does this shit happen to me? What the fuck have I ever done? I'm so embarassed too because I told everyone that I was going to Culinary School and now I'm just stuck at the DQ praying to god or whomever that I can get my shit together. I have to get poverty assistance to pay my utilities, well, I should say I have to try because I probably make too much money to qualify for any aid.

If you have no place to live and nothing to live for, what's the point of being alive? I'm in so much emotional pain right now. I've never felt like this before. 2007 has been the worst year of my entire life. Every time something shitty happened, I would say "Ok. That's it. There is nothing shittier than this." and then something WAY shittier would happen. Like getting laid off and then GMaP dying.

Jesus Christ, when will it end?

I'm Alive, It's Okay!

2007-10-14T16:47:00.000-04:00

We're gonna do this by labels since I have so much shit to cover, LOL!

Banking: I have no money!

Bishop: I'm kinda sad because I haven't been seeing much of Bishop. I miss him. I see him occasionally at karaoke, but since Cat started doing Trump's on Friday's, nobody comes to Groucho's anymore! Plus he was dating one of his ex's, which didn't work out cuz she was a bitch, but now he's seeing this other chick that we know, which rules.

Could anyone not love this face?

Dreams: WOW! I've had the most fucked up dreams in the last month. I dreamt that Poke actually told his mom about us dating, dreamt that I was pregnant, dreamt that I was saving the word, there were monsters everywhere, etc. All such craziness, and now that I want to write about them, I can't seem to remember a single one. Damn.

These are the tits that save the world.

Family: Well, let's see. As you know my GMaP died on her birthday this past August. That really sucked, but she was 90 years old, so it wasn't completely unexpected. I think we really thought that when it was time for her to go, she would get super sick or something, instead of just randomly dying the way she did. I went up to Cleveland for one of SJK's football games a few weeks ago and stopped by All Saints to see her. The dirt on the grave still had no grass on it, and I was crying, and then my parents showed up which was kind of a strange coincidence. But it was ok.
That night we went to the game and we own, of course, GO EAGLES! SJK has been playing very well this year, except for the last three games, which they lost. Up until then it was an undefeated season. I just don't know what happened. Hopefully they can pull out of it though, but I doubt there is a chance for the playoffs at this point. I could be wrong though. Shit, I don't know anything about football!
So my mom has been irritating me lately, because I'm going back to college (more on that later) and instead of being cool about it and supporting me and being happy for me, she's just rubbing it in my face that I didn't go before now and basically in her eyes I've fucked up my entire life. It's very frustrating. I'm trying to be civil but sometimes it's so hard when she embarrasses me in front of the admissions person by telling her what a fuck up I am for not listening to her and going to college seven years ago. Gawd.

GO EAGLES!

Friends: Let's see. The one year anniversary of my friend Crash dying will be a week from today, on October 21st. Cat has been a little bit sadder lately, talking about him and stuff. I feel for her. I don't know what I would do if I lost Poke! I've been trying to talk to my friends more than I used to, like GG and KP and SV, cuz I rarely get to see them and shit like that. I'm not doing a very good job, but I'm making the effort. I found out that a friend of mine, MM, has gout, so I'm quite worried about her too. Good things that have happened are: J-Rod did not go back to war, RM is getting a promotion, GG went back to school and she and Ironhorse will be celebrating their two year anniversary in a few weeks, KP is moving back into town, Cat turned fifty!, BI moved in with Big Joe, Dooger is doing well, and... that's about all I can think of right now!

Kel-Bell and KP are so sexy!

Karaoke: Hadn't been going to karaoke very much because for almost all of September I had bronchitis. Stupid change of seasons. Anyway, there was another contest, and I didn't think I would get to be in it because I still had no voice when it started. Luckily this week two spots opened up at Rush Creek in the Continent and at Gordy's. I tried at Rush Creek on Tuesday, but it was awful. Some bitch who claimed to be a professional singer won, even though she fucked up singing "Purple Rain". Oh well. So I tried on Thursday at Gordy's and won, since the other three bitches couldn't sing their way out of a paper bag. If that makes sense... Anyway, this one bitch who was there competing against me caught me outside while I was smoking and she was like"So what is this, a popularity contest?" and I'm like "WTF no, I only have like 6-8 friends out there!" and she's like "Bullshit all those people in there are your friends, I know, I asked. I sang much better than you and I got more applause and I should have won!" I just changed the subject because luckily Poke came outside right at that moment. What a dumb hooker. She wasn't even good. AND! She did not get more applause than me. The whole fucking place clapped for me, so suck that you dumb cock muncher. But I digress.
The contest was yesterday at Beulah Park just like last time. They started an hour and a half late, it was so sunny that I got burnt, and the whole thing was a joke. Lady K and I should have won, and Bishop and OA should have won too (it was split into "fillys" and "stallions".) So fucking ghey. We're done now, since the whole damn thing was a big rig. Same as last year, the people who won were all friends of a judge and / or the lady who was running it. And they were all from the west side. Bullshit!!

What the fuck, mother fucker?!

Life in General: So, I am going to culinary school, yay! I sent in all my monies and shit, got my schedule, and I'm ready to go. It starts October 29th. I'm so excited. Fuck HNB! I'm so glad that I'm not working there anymore! I think that in all my years since I've graduated high school, that was probably the worst job I've ever had. It was mindless, irritating, boring as fuck, and the women I worked with, save for like 5 of them, were all gossiping old biddies who have nothing better to do than create rumours and yap all day. My old boss from high school from the DQ offered me a job I couldn't pass up , so I took that and I've been there a week. It's so awesome. When I worked at DQ in the summer, at the other one, it was awful. But this one, wow, so great. It's like I never left. I think part of the reason is that I'm not working with cunty little teenage girls, since there are only like 3 or 4 girls whole work there, and that TT (the boss) is a friend of mine, more or less, and we trust each other and I don't have to prove anything. If he says I am/do/know/etc, they listen. It's awesome. So I'll be working there until school starts, every day, and then once I'm in class I'll be working a couple nights per week plus on weekends. Good times.

Look how ugly I am when I work inside the lime green box called HNB...

OSU Football: WE'RE UNDEFEATED! WOO! And now, since California lost to Oregon, we're NUMBER ONE IN THE BIG 10!! YAY!!

Poke: Wonderful. Coming up on our one year anniversary. Even though we took some months off this year, with all that stupid crap, we decided to go ahead an celebrate it as if we hadn't broken up at any point. He's apologized and made good on his word(s) so I think it's going to be wonderful from here on out. As a matter of fact, Poke almost beat JAFH's record for most romantic thing ever when I told him I wanted this dog and he was going to buy it for me as a surprise. But I talked him out of it when he kept grilling me about the fucking thing. I was like "No no no I couldn't take care of it or train it or anything." That's when he told me he was really going to buy it. LOL!

Oktoberfest!

Work: Uh, well, see above under "Life in General". Hahaha!

I guess that's about it. Go check out my photobucket for new pics. They're all arranged pretty like and so forth. Every single album has new pics in it too, except the tattoos/piercings album because I haven't gotten any new ones... sniff...

Yep. I'm a blonde now.

I Love GMaP

2007-09-09T21:39:00.000-04:00

My Own Double Standard

2007-09-09T14:05:00.000-04:00

So.

I hate these bitches who are always leaving comments and emailing Poke on MySpace. It's really very irritating, and I'm not 100% sure why. I just hate it. It's not like I think he is cheating or anything or blah blah blah. Not at all. I guess I'm just so insecure in myself that I'm afraid he's going to find someone way awesomer than me and leave me for her. I don't know why I think this, he's told me time and time again that things are different this time. He's even said all this shit to his friends, like I mentioned in the post before last. I guess it will just take time to prove that he's right.

On the other hand, the guy at Taco Bell hit on me today. It was cool, made me feel all special, but it was nothing compared to when I wake up in the morning, roll over, and Poke tells me I'm pretty - pretty beautiful! Yay.

I Rule at Making Videos!

2007-09-02T19:06:00.001-04:00

My Bad!

2007-09-02T16:39:00.000-04:00

Well I know it's been a really long time since I updated. Shit has just been happening and I find myself just wanting to lay on the couch more than be on the stupid computer. But I thought I owed you all an update, so here you go.

Poke: Things are awesome. We've moved into this other phase of our relationship, it's wonderful. I don't worry about things anymore, I think he's finally realized that marriage isn't evil, and it's all working out quite nicely. He's told his friends on several different occasions that he knows I'm the only girl for him and he couldn't ask for anything more, etc. He even told JW that he's never going to be into another girl, that I'm IT. YAY!

Work: Shitty. The job itself is fine, but $10 an hour just isn't cutting it. I can barely pay my bills, seeing as how my monthly net is almost $100 less than my bills. I won't know until like October 22nd-ish whether or not I'm even getting hired full time. I would think that after two months of training and all the time they're spending on us, plus my awesomeness, that I would get hired on as a real employee, but you never know. We all know what my luck is like.

Life in general: Fair. OSU football finally started, with a kill on YSU Penguins (how ghey) and a surprise from the north when Appalachia State out of North Carolina beat Michigan. So fucking great! SJK's games are the highlight of my week from now until whenever they reach the playoffs and however far they get there. To end my post, here is an article all about him.

Watterson heats up to stymie Willoughby South

By SETH SHANER

SNP photo by Seth Shaner

Watterson junior JG (20) uses a stiff arm to gain some leverage on a run during the Eagles' 38-0 opening-week home win over Willoughby South Friday.

Heat, humidity and the smallest of breezes set the stage for the Bishop Watterson football team to shine at Hagely Field Friday.

The Eagles (1-0) shined brighter than the setting son, defeating visiting Willoughby South 38-0.

Running the ball was not a problem for one team, while it doomed the other as Watterson pushed the Rebels backward to the tune of minus-47 yards.

The Eagles were bolstered by a 94-yard day on the ground from junior KO, and outgained Willoughby South 337-92.

The smoothest play of the game came with 5:01 to play in the second quarter.

On a one-play drive that took all of six seconds, senior quarterback MT lofted the ball up the left sideline from the Rebels' 34-yard line.

Running stride-for-stride with a Willoughby cornerback, senior receiver SJK looked up, saw the ball and broke away in the final 10 yards to pull the ball in for the score.

"That's our fastest guy," coach DB said. "He's a track kid and he runs great. He has really good speed and you just try to take advantage of what he can do and get him the ball."

T was glad to see the play work.

"SJK did a great job running it down," he said. "He has great speed. He has a burst that not many people on the football field have. Having him is a great asset for our team."

SJK felt confident the play could be successful.

"I knew it was coming right to me. We've been working on that pass in practice and it just came so natural for us. We've hit the pass all the time and we knew the corners were pressing us, so we just changed it up at the line and it worked."

Watterson's other touchdowns were of the running variety.

Senior JP scored on a 1-yard run with 4:33 to play in the first quarter.

Senior kicker MR nailed a 27-yard field goal with 5:22 to play in the first half, giving the Eagles a 10-0 advantage.

KO scored from four yards out with 48 seconds to play in the half and later scampered 54 yards to score with 11:12 to play in the fourth.

Junior BB punched it in for the final score of the game from a yard out with 3:34 to play.

The game was played in the same kind of heat the Eagles have been practicing in for much of the past three weeks, and getting the chance to take their aggression out on an opponent was a good thing.

"It's very rewarding because it has been very hot," Coach DB said. "I think our kids have handled it really well. I think this is probably one of our most in-shape teams. I'm not sure really why, but we've been handling the heat really well in practice and it showed tonight."

Watterson is scheduled to travel to Pickerington North Friday, Aug. 31, at 7:30 p.m.

The Panthers are coached by first-year boss Tom Phillips, who most recently coached at Bexley, where he won 21 games in three years.

It Happens

2007-08-05T00:46:00.000-04:00

Alice V. (D) P
ALICE V. P (nee D), age 90, of Northfield Center. Beloved wife of the late Carl R. P; dear mother of Mary Alice (Dennis) K; loving grandmother of Kelly, Scott and the late Mary Alice K; dear cousin of Mary Jane W; sister of the late Thomas, Rev. Joseph, Margaret, William, Paul, Mary and Charles D, Sr. Mary Carlotta, OSU and Dorothy Kirk; and aunt of many. Died Thursday, Aug. 2, 2007. The family suggests memorial contributions be made to Ursuline Sisters, 2600 Lander Rd., Pepper Pike, OH 44124. Friends will be received SUNDAY 2-5 P.M. AT JOHNSON-ROMITO, A GOLDEN RULE FUNERAL HOME, 99 W. AURORA RD. (RT. 82 ONE MILE WEST OF RT. 8), NORTHFIELD CENTER, OH 330-468-1443, where prayers will be held 9:30 a.m. Monday, Aug. 6, 2007 followed by Mass of Christian Burial at 10 a.m. at St. Barnabas Catholic Church, 9451 Brandywine Rd., Northfield Center, OH. Burial at All Saints Cemetery. Plain Dealer Obituary Here

=)

2007-07-14T18:50:00.000-04:00

And now, I have a reason to seriously work on getting divorced.

Someone wants to marry me someday...!

=)

I'm A Little Bit Angry

2007-07-11T20:39:00.000-04:00

Lost in 2007:

1 boyfriend
1 license
1 boyfriend (the same one, see below)
1 job
5 lbs
1 home

Gained in 2007:

1 boyfriend
1 boyfriend (we broke up twice this year in case you weren't paying attention earlier)
5 lbs
1 roommate & his cat

If you are on MySpace then you already know my story of how my fucking landlord broke up with his girlfriend, she is kicking him out, and he, therefore, is kicking me out. I'm really expecting people to start dropping dead of nothingness because there is NOTHING ELSE I COULD LOSE! I'll swear I'll kill myself if Poke dumps me when he gets back from vacation. Dealing with that would just be way too much to expect from me.

Damnit All to Hell

2007-07-10T10:53:00.000-04:00

So, it used to be that white people were racist. Then black people became racist once they were freed. And then white people got racist amongst their own kind, ie, Dirty Micks and Stupid Polaks and so forth. NOW the fucking Mexicans are getting in on it. I've just about had it with everyone being so fucking politcally correct!! You came from Mexico? You're a goddamn wetback. You're Italian? Fucking Dago! My god! I'm german, polish, female, and fat. Do you think that I don't hear my share of shit? Do you think that I don't get looks because I'm fat? It's okay to be a fat black woman, then you're all snap snap and shit. But a fat white girl seems to always be looked at as white trash even when it's not true. I'm not a lower life form just because I weigh twice as much as you. Fuck! I swear to god, if I have to hear one more thing about politcal correctness, I might just shoot myself in the foot. No, not the foot... YOUR FOOT! You stupid moronic fucking media people who egg everyone on and create all this bullshit bullshit! Grrr!

Now, I must take a shower. I miss Poke so much. He'll be home in like four days though... I can't stand not having anyone intelligent to talk to about Walker and Lifetime movies and the irony of things... *sniff*

PS - I'm having an in-house sale this weekend so come and buy my shit so I can pay my bills.

The Baconator

2007-07-04T09:15:00.000-04:00

So things have been going just fine since I last posted. I was hit with an incredible bout of depression, but I worked through it and now I only cry sometimes instead of all the time. Poke and I are doing better than ever, which rules, and we're going on a month of being together. I'm kinda sad thought cuz Friday he leaves on a cruise with JW for a week. That's just gonna suck. But on the brightside, I start my job at HNBC Monday! At least I'll have something to distract myself instead of sitting at home all day wondering how much fun Poke's having!

Last night we went over to JW's house for some beers and fireworks, which turned out quite nicely. I don't know where they got them from, but the fireworks they had were pretty cool. They went up pretty high and were all colorful and crackly the way fireworks should be. I got to meet JW's girlfriend, she was pretty nice, and of course some of the old friends were there. I was worried that they might give Poke some shit, but on the way over he and I talked about it and I found out that it's not really just me that they're against, it's any girl. That's so sad! They should be happy if their friend is happy! God knows that my friends have seen all the shit I've been through, but they know I'm happy with Poke so they're happy for me. Oh well, you can't please everyone. We had a great time there last night, and on the way home we were singing crazy songs in the car, then stopped at Wendy's for some food. Poke decided on "The Baconator" (see picture above) and I think that we both gained about 5 lbs from eating it and also helped those heart attacks come a little sooner... cripes. It's a huge fucking sandwich with like 3 patties, 4 pieces of bacon, mayo, ketchup, and cheese. Talk about a buster!

Anyway, I'm supposed to go to my parents' house today for food and stuff, but they haven't called me to tell me when it's all going down. So, til then, I will be watching shitty TV like every other day I've been off... Ce'st la vie!

Wig in a Box

2007-06-22T19:59:00.000-04:00

If only I had the wig part... *sniff* I still feel the same way as he does, like when I go to karaoke I can be someone completely different and just rock the fuck out. Hell yah. I should get a crazy Dolly Parton wig.

Few Things

2007-06-21T10:31:00.001-04:00

I'm a super happy girl right now. Despite feeling like a big worthless piece of crap, job-wise, my personal life is swell. Yay.

Here, do this. My life depends on it.

What color should I dye my hair?

Sweet Slideshow

2007-06-13T16:38:00.001-04:00

You can like, make music and stuff on it. Play with the buttons at the bottom! Neato!

Emu on the Hunt

2007-06-13T13:20:00.000-04:00

Well the DQ thing didn't work out because I can't manage teenagers. Teenage girls specifically. I'm a good leader and a strong person, but I just didn't have the will or the heart to try and stick it out with those walking mouths. So, I quit. I talked to my boss for a good half hour and she tried to convince me that everything would work out, but seeing as how I'd only been there three days and I was already dreading going to work, I knew that it was over.

Yesterday I had an interview with a very fancy finance corporation downtown. I'm hoping they hire me because I think it would be a cool place to work. I'm going to be fucked if I don't find something soon because I only have one more check coming from Midwest and BI still owes me over $600 (as of this coming Sunday) and I don't know if he's going to pay it or not. If he doesn't, I have to evict him, which will suck.

Other than having no job, life has been fairly drama-free. I don't think I mentioned it before, but EB and I aren't friends anymore because I found out she was hanging out with Poke. I called her out on being a fake and a liar, and she proceeded to email this letter to everyone she knows, and added her own little snippets to each one. So now I have a bunch of people mad at me, thinking I was talking shit, when really the email was about Emily for Emily and really had nothing to do with anyone else. It's so pathetic when people do childish things like that. They really have way too much time on their hands!! I guess it's ironic though, how I got all in a tizzy about them hanging out and it ended up with he and I getting back together... so thanks, bitch, for being a "friend"!!

I just found out that there is a rumour going around that I got laid off because I was late to work one too many times. Well let me tell you, OH, that I did not get laid off due to being late. I'm not going to justify your lies with an explanation, but I will say that the reason I got laid off had absolutely nothing to do with who was the better processor or anything like that. So go suck a dick, you white trash cunt. The only good thing about getting laid off is that I don't have to see or hear your dirty mouth anymore. I know you complained about this blog to the boss, I could hear your loud mouth through the walls, and I'll bet he was laughing inside because he probably agrees with me. I can't speak for him though, it's merely an observation. You and your fucking baby daddy drama have no place in an office - you need to get yourself a job at the Wal*Mart and let the white collar people be free of your disgusting white trash presence.

But I digress... I really couldn't give a flying fuck about any of that crap, I'm happy for now. Here are some awesome pics!!

.Poke.Me.Cute.

Poke, fucked up, making a really silly face.

BIG SMILES!!

Poke sings... I don't remember what.

Poke is afraid of the camera? Or confused about something?

Awwwwww. It's almost sickening.

We are so damn cool.

What's up there?!

We like to kiss, it's good for our health!

He thought I was taking a picture of someone in front of us...

Some Random Pics

2007-06-07T13:41:00.000-04:00

These are my new shoes!

Here's a really cool pic of my new shoes!

Self-explanatory.

Fox in a box.

Blue Kelly.

Black and White Kelly.

Up CLOSE Kelly.

Sepia Kelly. Looks antique.

DQ Emu

2007-06-07T13:29:00.000-04:00

Alright, so here's what has happened since the last post:

Back together with you-know-who. (I'm a glutton for punishment.)
Went on a few dates and they were mediocre.
Got pounced on by two St. Bernards and three Golden Retrievers.
Ate lots of food.
Got a new job as shift manager at Dairy Queen!
Spent my first night in West Jefferson (it was scary!)

That's about it. I haven't felt like posting because I've been very fucked up in my head, wondering wtf is going on, being angry because I got laid off, angry because BI still owes me almost $500, angry and sad because of everything that's happening. I'm not even so sure that I'm going to be all ecstatic about getting back together with Poke because it never works out. So I'll just chill and keep my mouth shut and hopefully it will.

The Way Things Were

2007-05-25T20:33:00.000-04:00

Twenty-four hours ago, things were looking alright. Not great, but alright. I had been thinking to myself that FINALLY! everything was getting better.

Well, let me take you back a few months. When I got my DUI, I said to myself, there is only one worse (personal - not counting death of family/friends) thing that could happen, and that would be if I lost my job. Then, I would basically have no reason to go on.

I got laid off today.

Yet another list!

2007-05-24T15:16:00.001-04:00

Things that absolutely disgust me:

White trash
Girls who have more than one child by more than one dude
Ketchup
Midgets
Degoes
Runny eggs (except for the yellow part, that I love!)
Burps/Belches, especially when someone tries to speak while doing so
Ants
The weird texture that happens to mashed potatoes when you microwave them in a plastic bowl
Dolphins
Cottage cheese w/fruit on top
Frisco sauce
Jaeger (although I can't pass up a free shot of it, I just wince)
The inside of a vagina, unless I'm watching a baby come out
Furry pussies (what is this, 1978? Get a razor ladies!)
Taint
Small paperclips
Paperclips with coating
Ribbed paperclips (for your pleasure)
Spittle from tobacco chew
Drool in general
The smell of a boy who's been playing outside all day
Wet dogs (see above, they smell the same)

That's all I can think of. Those things listed above will actually make me gag - some just a little, some actually to the point of yakking. I'm a strange bird.

Visuals

2007-05-24T11:07:00.000-04:00

Sheeba with her arms over Fox's arms. How cute!

Sheeba loves my tits.

Ace and me at Eldo's! See how I look when I smile?? Like a fat face! That's why I always look serious in pictures, cuz I don't want my chubby cheeks to take over the rest of my face.

Me, close up. Serious.

Me at work!! Serious!!

Me on the couch... it's fucking hot and serious.

My kitties hugging.

The Monkeys Chose Cocaine.

2007-05-24T10:23:00.000-04:00

Read more about it here.

And I understand why they did. If I had the means, I'd choose cocaine too. I am an addict. I would love to have mounds and piles and bathtubs full of cocaine just for my own personal use. But I don't, and that's a good thing. I keep myself away from it because I know that if I even do one little bump, it will all be over. That's how it happened last time - one bump turned into four, turned into a line, turned into fat rails, turned into three 8-balls a weekend. Terrible. I don't want to risk losing my job again, I don't want to OD again. No thank you. But it's so difficult. When things get stressful, I long for the feeling of numbness, the burn when the powder hits my sinus cavities (sounds gross, I know, but it's awesome), the notion of being the wisest person in my area and having such profound insight into whatever music happens to be playing at the time. Save for the physical downsides, such as acquiring perforations on the inside of my nasal passage and the awful disgusting and totally grotesque runny/stuffy nose that happens on the come-down... cocaine is perfect.
But that's another thing, I can't stand the runny/stuffy nose. I fucking hate it. My allergies are kicking my ass right now, and I am dying over here with this fucking shit, blowing my nose every 10 minutes, not being able to inhale through my nose, etc etc etc. WHY on EARTH would I do this to myself purposely? I wouldn't - not anymore.

All this is spawned from a TV show I watched the other day about drugs on the History Channel. Damn monkeys.