Orlando, Days Three through Five

4L and I ended up not going to the beach with Trick cuz some little baby thought that sand was for eating... LOL!  My mom and I put 4L in the sandbox at the resort on Tuesday morning and he immediately started shoveling sand...into his face.  Needless to say, I decided that the beach - a giant sandbox, ya know? - was probably a poor place to take an 8.5 month old baby.

Most of the week went as follows: Wake up, eat breakfast, go to the pool, put 4L down for his nap, big lunch somewhere, back to the room for another nap, more pool, dinner, bedtime.  During the day my mom and I had planned on going to this mall where it seemed like there were all kinds of fun things to do, including a bouncy place for 4L.  Unfortunately, when we got there, the place looked abandoned.  We ended up eating at this awesome salad bar restaurant called Sweet Tomatoes, and headed back to the hotel. Wednesday night Trick picked me up around 6pm and he and I went to the Universal City Walk while my parents watched 4L.  City Walk is pretty sweet, definitely for adults only (although some miserable children were drug around by their parents), and on a Wednesday night it was fairly empty.  There are a lot of restaurants, such as Hard Rock Cafe, NASCAR, Margaritaville, etc. as well as a bunch of clubs on the upper level.  We had a Landshark at Margaritaville, a $2 (!!!) beer at the Red Coconut Club, and ended the night at Rising Star Karaoke with a glass of wine for me, a tall Coors for him, and my 3 minutes in the spotlight as I sang "Black Horse & the Cherry Tree" with a live band.  Fun times had by all!  Oh, I forgot - we ate dinner at Del Taco.  Yummmmmmm.  It's like Taco Bell, but just different - like McD's vs BK, ya know?

Thursday was much of the same, only this time we headed out not knowing where we'd end up.  All I knew was that Trick had shown me how to get to that same mall on a much more scenic route which was lined with a plethora of restaurants (and bars and shops etc).  We ate at a place called Brick House, which was delicious.  Thursday night my mom & dad went out to play mini-golf while 4L and I stayed in the room.  I ordered pizza from a place called Flippers, and it was AMAZING. OMFG.  You know how pizza looks in the cartoons?  Well that's how this pizza looked.  You know how cartoon pizza looks sooooo delicious?  Well that's how this pizza tasted.  It was freakin' unbelievable.  They had a special of large one topping plus breadsticks, and the breadsticks were just as awesome.  They were clearly handmade (I could tell by their weird, phallic, unconventional shapes) and literally swimming in a delicious olive oil/garlic/Parmesan pool. *drool*

Friday we had to check out by 11am, even though my dad would be in class til 5pm, so while my mom slept in, 4L and I hit up the indoor pool (it was a wee chilly for swimming at 9am!).  When we went back to the room, the baby napped while my mom and I finished packing up.  Finally around 11:30am, the van was completely loaded and we were on our way back to Downtown Disney.  Before going there, we stopped at CVS to get me some ear drops cuz I had water in my left ear from like two days ago. (Unfortunately it's now five days later and I can't hear shit from my left ear.  I'm pretty sure I ruptured my eardrum trying to get the water out. Boo.)  Lucky for me, the same road that the CVS was on was the road where Eli's Orange World is!  We went in and I found a perfect sticker for the van*, bought some awesome Ruby Red Grapefruit, and ladies swooned over 4L, who ate some of that grapefruit and loved it.

Because we are Catholic and it was Friday, for lunch we went to Fulton's at Downtown Disney.  It's a swell place inside a riverboat on the lake. My po-boy sandwich was awesome, but my mom was disappointed in her fish'n'chips meal cuz it only came with one piece of fish - I had to agree, there should have been at least two, even though it was a pretty good sized filet.  After lunch 4L and I rode on the little train, we walked around, and then I got 4L his first (good) caricature (I had one done once before but it didn't even resemble him a little bit!) which was done to make him look like a really cute little Disney baby.  PRECIOUS!  He needed a change and a nap, so we headed back toward the van.  On the way out I wanted my mom to take a picture of him & me by this waterfall/dinosaur, and that's when all hell broke loose.

And that's all I'm going to say about that.  The ride back was hell.

But overall, the trip was great.

Orlando Day Two

Last night I was asleep by 8pm and slept til 9am, only waking up for an hour from 2-3am to take care of the baby.  My mom had to chide me for waking up late, despite the fact that I had driven 19 hours from Ohio to Florida and only took an hour nap in the middle. I tried to brush it off. I fed 4L, put my suit on, ate breakfast and got him ready for the pool.  The whole time she's just criticizing everything I'm doing, have done, etc. Finally I'm like "can you stop?" and she says she's just teasing. Grrr. If someone said all that shit to her she'd throw a fit. So whatever, I'm used to it, we went to the pool.
4L LOVES THE WATER! Last night was his first time in a pool, and though he was leery, he was "jumping" forward in the kiddie pool and going under ON PURPOSE. Today we floated him around in this baby raft I got (at a garage sale for $1!).
After the pool he had to nap so mom stayed down there and we came back to the room. I tried to get 4L to nap in a lounge chair but he was too interested in everything else! After the nap we went to Downtown Disney and had lunch at the Rainforest Cafe. 4L was a little scared of it at first, cuz the almost life-size elephants move and make noise, plus the whole place goes dark and stormy like a rainforest lightning storm. Once we were done with lunch we walked around and looked in the shops, my mom watched a high school chorus sing for awhile, and at the end we shared an ice cream sundae from Ghirardelli- even my baby had some!
We all tried to nap when we got home but 4L wasn't interested in that so we fed him and then went back to the pool. My dad met us down there but didn't get in; he took pictures. We got dinner from the food court& headed back to the room. 4L ate a few fries, got in his jammies and fell right to sleep. Thursday we're going to the beach with my friend Trick while my mom stays here. Today wasn't bad, it just started rough and ended rough.

Orlando Day One

So we get to the resort and it's a total clusterfuck. There is no lane for drop off only lanes for valet and taxis. They forced me to park in a valet lane & i wait for my mom to check in. It feels like we're driving all the way back to south carolina just to find our room at the back of the hotel. The room costs 200 dollars per night but it's no bigger than any regular hotel room. The website said there were 6 pools but there are actually only 4. It's supposed to be family friendly, but when 4L is having a meltdown in the restaurant, nobody is friendly and I have to leave to take him to the room. My mom brings my food up to me and it is ice cold and not everything I ordered. So far I'm very unimpressed and quite irritated... 4L did have fun his first time ever in a swimming pool!

It's a Small World After All

...but it's also an expensive and scary world, after all!

So, with Poke's large tax refund, we are going to take a vacation.  In the 6.5 yrs he & I have been together, we have not taken any vacations other than two days at Cedar Point in 2008.  This year we have the time, the money, and the togetherness to do it!  Finally!

I was looking at Disney vacations and extended an invitation to the grandparents to join us.  My friends, however, made a good point - 4L might get scared of the characters!  I can definitely see that happening, because he is often terrified of his own shadow - okay, maybe he's not that much of a scaredy cat, but he does get very very nervous (to the point where he starts yelling) around large groups of people.  Perhaps I should plan a Disney vacation for year 5 and not year 1.

That all being said, I think we are still going to head to Disney.  They have some really awesome resorts there, and we don't have to buy any tickets to the park, or we can buy one ticket for one day.  It might be nice to leave 4L in the baby room and go play with Poke at Disney World!  Of course I can just imagine feeling horribly guilty leaving him... but then again, maybe not.  Who knows?!  Definitely have to think about this.  Luckily the Disney vacations website has a sweet planning tool, where you can choose your style (basic - luxurious, dining plans, etc) and budget and they will give you all the options that fit.  Then, once you have those options, you can tweak it to match your exact needs.

If you have any suggestions on baby-friendly resorts, I would love to hear them!

Vacation

Yay I had two weeks off school, and I am going back on Monday. I finally got approved for school aid, so now I just have to pay $2,665.00 instead of $9,474.00. Yippy! Poke and I went to Cedar Point, I went to the pool here twice and got sunburned twice, and I was struck with e.coli or salmonella - not sure which. I still have it and it's annoying. My vacation wasn't very exciting, but it sure was relaxing! Here are pics from Cedar Point in the form of a little video I made for Poke:

Going on Year Three

Me and Poke on New Year's Eve

Well it'll be three years at the end of this month since I started this blog. I was reading some old posts and I'm just amazed at how things have changed. I'm not as angry as I used to be, there is a lot less drama in my life, and one thing has stayed the same: I'm constantly broke. Lame!

So, let's talk about the last week or so. After Christmas I worked a few days at the DQ, there was no snow anywhere, and things were going just fine. This past Sunday Poke and I spent a wonderful day together doing grownup things - first we went to Penn Station for lunch after I picked him up (it was gross but I think it's just that restaurant cuz it sucked both times I went there), then we tried to go to Revol to get a new battery for his phone but they were closed, then we headed to Easton to exchange the ring I got him for Christmas for a bigger size. I must stop here and says Jesus Mary and Joseph where the HELL did all these people come from?! Granted, I tend to stay away from any kind of public forum during the holiday season, and elected to get all my shopping done on the one day when there was a major snowfall and most schools were closed, at 11:30am on a Tuesday morning when nobody, and I do mean NOBODY but employees were at the mall. Needless to say, I was sure surprised when we got into the mall (after spending oh, about 15 minutes looking for a parking spot) and it was packed! What the heck!? But I digress. After the mall excursion, we headed over to Giant Eagle to get my prescription and to grocery shop for Poke's mom. I benefited by acquiring some cat litter, yay. We dropped off the groceries in a sneaky type-fashion, and then headed off to Marcus Crosswoods to see I Am Legend. I had originally wanted to surprise him with seeing No Country for Old Men, but it wasn't playing for another 3 hours. I Am Legend was a freakin' awesome movie, and I am not even going to say a word about it because every mother fucker in the WORLD needs to see this movie, oh. my. god. After the movie I dropped him off so he could get his car, then we chilled here, had some dinner (tasty but diarrhea causing Banquet Homestyle Bake!) watched a bunch of crap on TV and also watched a good show, The Tribal Life, on TLC or Travel or something. Good Times.

Monday Poke had to work so I laid around the house all day, did a little bit of laundry, but mostly napped on and off. I felt like an invalid! Seriously. Anyway, we were supposed to go to this place called Level One Lounge that is across from my parents' house, but of course Poke abandoned all plans as usual. I actually got to spend some time at his house with Poke's brother and his (girl)friend (strange) because their mom was at the zoo. Around 7:45pm though I started panicking because nobody knew when she had actually left, so nobody knew when she would be home. We headed over towards the Sawmill area, cuz that's where everyone wanted to be at, and decided to eat at Sunflower. The food there was really good, I mean you pretty much can't go wrong with Chinese food, but the service was terrible. Not even like, oh she can't speak English terrible, but just rude waitress terrible. Oh well. After that we drove around looking for Average Joe's because apparently that's where everyone wanted to go. Bah. We drove up and down Sawmill looking for it, I tried calling my parents and my brother to find out if they knew where Hoggy's was since it was next to the bar, and nobody was answering. Finally JWW figured out where it was, called us, and we got there in one piece. Of course we had to wait like 20 minutes for everyone else to show up, but whatever. We started out sitting at the bar, and I was getting really kinda irritated because JWW and his girl and their friend and D*Martin (yes he came with them!) were all talking and Poke and I were kind alienated. I saw a table open up behind us and I made everyone move over there, and finally it was a fun night.

JWW's girl's friend and D*Martin

JWW's girl!

JWW and his girlfriend

Me and Poke

JWW

Poke showin' off his new ring!

Me!

JWW and his girl, just after midnight...

Around 1:00am on 01/01/08 we left the bar and headed towards my parents' house. We stopped at another bar on the way there to get a six pack, and drank that while we laid on the pull-out sofa bed in their living room and watched The South Park Movie. I woke up to my mom calling me from Target to ask if a brown firescreen was OK. I said it was. They had already been to church and breakfast and some other stores. It was only 11:something am! I was sore as a goat because the pull-out is so ridiculously uncomfortable and basically like sleeping on a blanket covering three metal bars. Poke said it was better than my bed. I almost kicked him but I couldn't move because of all the pain. We laid around their house all day, watched American Hustle (which Poke actually enjoyed hahahaha I knew he would), then my mom made pork and sauerkraut and it was good and Poke didn't like it (I will admit the pork was dry and Poke is a gravy lovin' kinda guy) and we ate a lot of crescent rolls. Then we were going to hang out for a little while but my mom was bitching about how we just laid around all day and didn't do anything and said something about how she can't watch her TV til we leave (there are 3 or 4 TVs in the house by the way) and my dad was like "yeah HINT" so we left right then and there.

Shitty shitty weather awaited us outside. It wasn't too horrific, but the snow was blowing all over the road and made it hard to see if it was icy or not. We had planned to go see No Country for Old Men, so that's what we did, and damn that movie is so fucked up. I mean, even if I was a person who never swore or cursed in my entire life, I would have no other description than "fucked up" to describe it. It takes place in 1980, it's kind of a western, it's totally indescribable. I liked it. When we came out of the movie theatre, even shittier weather awaited us. I decided to take 270 home because I figured it would be clearer since there was more traffic on there than the regular roads. Yeah well that was a great plan until this asshole excursion van started tailing me and I started freaking out because they wouldn't pass me, then they finally did and as I was finally calming down a godforsaken semi truck roared past me and sprayed my windshield with crap and i couldn't see shit and I was freaking out even more so I just got off on 23 and took 161 all the way home. It was bullshit. We sat on the couch and watched SVU and finished off the wee bit of alcohol that was still left in the house.

In the morning there were schools and businesses closed and everything. I kept trying to call DQ to see if they wanted me to come in, but nobody answered. I had to take Poke home anyway, so I just got dressed and decided to work. We left the house at 9:30am, got to his place at 10:00 am (a normally 10 minute drive) and I got on 270 by his place and was delighted to see that it was nice and dry and clear so I ended up being only 6 minutes late for work. Work was alright yesterday, sometimes I get really frustrated because my boss (whom I've known for 10+ yrs) likes to make fun of me and put me down and all that, and seeing as I have like no self-confidence at all, it kinda pisses me off. Add his cunt wife to the mix and sometimes work is almost unbearable. But whatever. She snapped at me yesterday and I snapped right back and that's just the way it's going to be until the end of time or I find another job. I applied at a couple restaurants today so hopefully it will be the latter!

After work I got some Chinese food (I have phases where I really don't want to eat anything else, it's weird) and chilled out by myself. Took a little nap, watched mindless TV, drank some beers and settled in for my two favorite shows, WifeSwap and SuperNanny. They were great episodes last night, and there was even a bonus SuperNanny! WOOT! I cleaned the bathroom on commercials, and made a plan to clean today. Oh, I also discovered something last night - although I hate midgets, I have no problem with primordial dwarfs. Very interesting. I was watching some show last night on them too.

I've been up since 9:41am, and it's only 1:00pm. I haven't eaten anything but I'm only now starting to get hungry. I guess I'll have leftover Chinese and probably a quesadilla. I have to remind Poke to bring some meat (hehe) tonight so I can make dinner for us. I'm trying to plan a romantic evening in this wonderful clean new house but I suck at that shit so we'll see how it goes.

The End.

PS - Here is a pic of my new fireplace screen! It's to keep the cats out of the damn fireplace, those monsters...

The Missing Posts. (Previously handwritten in a small notebook.)

April 1st, 2005

Midnight

My plane is suppose to leave in 6 hours but I'm at Zuey's being very nervous. Right about now is when I start telling everyone that I need to go and sleep. The problem is, I am too nervous. Tim, Brian, Doug, Luke, and Billy (who is not Steve Skills) are all telling me I will be fine - but I am so scared of the airport. Finally, around 1:30am, I go home and fall asleep in the recliner. I am awoken around 3:45am by Tony, who is packing my suitcase. I sleep on and off until about 4:15am when I finally get up and finish helping Tony pack. We head out, hit CVS for cigs, stopped back at home because I forgot my paperwork. Finally we head out to the airport. Get there, and I actually move through the check-in fairly quickly. So quickly in fact that I am waiting patiently for my plane by 5:25am - 55 minutes to take off! 6:20am comes and goes - the announce it will be 6:35am. The crew has to get 8hrs of sleep to legally fly. By 6:55am I am finally on the plane. I expected a regular size jet plane, but I was sadly mistaken- my "American Eagle" was more like a mexican airbus. very, very small with 6 passengers, 1 pilot, and 1 stewardess. The flight wasn't bad - take off was fun really - I couldn't believe how fast we were actually going. I thought it would be a more gradual thing but it was really like zoom! And suddenly we're almost 30,000 feet in the air. I looked out the window for about 15 minutes, then I fell asleep on and off until the pilot came on and said we would be landing in 15 minutes. I drank Sprite from a can on the flight. We landed in Boston (over the ocean) at a completely separate terminal. Logan airport was kind of scary, but I made it through and into a taxi that took me to Salem. I got in around 10:45am. Luckily I got to check in early - normal check in isn't until 3pm. I got to the room, made some phone calls to Lani and my mom, and then fell asleep. So many people called me that afternoon - Tony, Lani, Mom, Luke, Shawn - nobody ever calls me on my cell phone but for some reason they al felt the need to call me that afternoon! Around 4:30pm I finally woke up and took a shower. Dinner was in the Tavern - nachos and Sam Adams White Ale. I get hit with New England sticker shock - $13.10 plus tip - $16.00. Oh my gosh. I couldn't believe it. After dinner I walked outside to smoke (the whole state has a smoking ban!) and I asked a very creepy looking woman if she knew where I could go for live music and good beer. The answer was Dodge Street Bar & Grille. Very local place. Locals with thick accents and all. Bartender is about a four on a scale of 1-10 in friendliness. Oh well. New England was never known for its charming residents. I stay until about 10:45pm, just long enough to catch the opening band. While I'm there, Wes calls me and we talk a little, some about work, some about my trip. An old guy sitting next to me kept telling me he was not trying to put a pass on me, but he bought me a few beers, and kept up a very, very boring conversation. It was cold walking back to the hotel, but not too bad. When I got in, I ordered a
pizza that ended up being very cheap with free extra cheese. Sleep came around eleven thirty.


Saturday April 2nd

8:30am

I wake up, and within five minutes room service knocks on the door witha $14.00 breakfast of 2 eggs, 2 pieces of toast, 2 sausage links, homefires, orange juice and water. Delicious. I laid around for a little while and took a shower followed by some more laying around til I finally left and headed for the Peabody-Essex Museum. It was raining pretty hard when I left the hotel, and since my winter jacket won't be here until Monday, I ran to the museum. The Peabody-Essex Museum was okay, not as exciting as I thought it would be. Not really worth $13.00 either. Oh well, museums are always overpriced. After that I went to the Salem Beer Works for lunch, which was 1/2 Steak Ceasar Wrap, 1 cup of New England Clam Chowder, and a glass of Bunker Hill Bluebeery Ale - Beer made with blueberries and it had real blueberries floating around in the glass. Delicious. I went back to the hotel after lunch and napped from about 4:30pm to 7:30pm. I got up and looked through the hotel-provided directory for something fun to do. A place called Rockafellas had live music, so I went there - it was right down the street. Very nice place - I had foccacia w/pesto, a salad, and baked sea scallops with seafood stuffing and rice pilaf. The owner of the restaurant, Theresa, ate dinner with me. It was very nice. I also had two Harpoon Ales, which I believe is my new favorite over Miller Lite. It's real beer! I walked back to the hotel and had one beer in the tavern and then went to my room to relax, watch some TV, and sleep. I'm not sure when I fell asleep, but at 5:40am, who should call me but Scott. He's crying and drunk - terrible. Tells me he made a fool of himself in fron to f a bunc ho f people. I'm not surprised. He keeps going on, basically uttering nonsense, tells me he wants to drive out here. He finally falls asleep and I hang up. What an odd thing.


Sunday April 3rd

11am

I wake up, shower, call Scott (no answer), and head to Dunkin' Donuts. I actually eat two donuts - I think I've had four donuts total in the last year. I head to CVS to buy this notebook, these shitty pens, some cigs, a razor, and 3 disposable cameras - $32.00. After that I go to the Trollet Shop to buy some souvenirs, shot glasses and postcards. Head over to Witch Tee's and get a shirt for Hailey, Yo, and myself. While I'm in there, Scott calls me. Apologizes for scaring me last night. Tells me he does miss me. Some girl he was trying to date fucked him over, etc. I tell him that he shouldn't even bother wiht other women. He agreed - told me he should stick with me because I'm the only one who is ever there for him. *sigh* I pay for my t-shirts and head back to the hotel. I drop off my stuff and pick up my camera and sweatshirt. Head out into the neighborhood and take 16 pics from The Commons to Darby Wharf. It rains a little but not too bad - its mostly windy. I eat lunch at McSwiggin's (Harpoon and Chowdah) and go back to the hotel for some rest. While trying to rest, Nate (the guy who likes to be tied up) txt msgs me. I txt msg him back to call me. He does, and I give him a dare to do. When he's done he calls me back and we end up talking for an hour while I just chill in the room. Around 7pm I order a cheesesteak and onion rings from Omega. It arrives about 8pm. The onion rings are great but the sandwhich is weird - LOTS of meat, barely any cheese, and no lettuce/tomatoe/mayo/etc. I eat all of it over about an hour - its actually really good. After that I just lay around til sleep.


Monday April 4th

10:00 am

Guest services calls to tell me they have a package for me. It's my jacket - yay! I call work after they drop it off and talk to Lani a little - of couse she has some bullshit drama to relay, I really don't care. I talk to Wes and help him figure out some stuff for work. After showering and watching some of the Pope's procession, I walk to Brother's cafeteria to eat a Greek salad and tapioca pudding with Diet Pepsi. I decided to be touristy today so I went to the Witch History Museum. I was the only person there and it was pretty cool. The girl was nice and I was allowed to take pictures of all the stuff. After that I walked to the Witch Museum where it was me and a family of four. That was pretty cool too. Their little boy was about 4 or 5 and he was scared. It was very cute. I went back to the hotel and balanced my check book and then rested. After a short nap I woke up and walked to Finz, an oh-so-hip seafood restaurant. I spent $60 including the tip, but it was worth it. I had a cosmo martini, a glass of pinot grigio, a baileys and coffee, a salad, and lobster ravioli. After dinner I walked back to the hotel to watch some TV and rest some more.

The End

I Have Returned!

Oh man, Florida was great. Actually, Florida sucks monkey balls, but SL was fucking wonderful. I am so in love.

I left Friday night at about ten thirty, after working all day and only getting an hour and a half of sleep in before I headed out. I was too excited to sleep. The first part of the drive was pretty easy, but once night turned into day it started to suck so bad. I made it halfway and ended up at a travel plaza in South Carolina where I had to sleep for an hour. I got back on the road around 8am, and by the time I reached the Georgia/Florida border, I was feeling pretty shitty again. I talked to SL on the phone a bit, and to KG and GG also, but I was taking these Pep-Back pills (basically like No-Doz) and they were making me shake. I made it into West Palm Beach at around 4:45pm. Drive time was about 17 hours! That was awesome.

When I saw SL coming out of his building, I was shaking so much. It was a combination of those pills and my nerves just going crazy. I couldn't barely move. We went into his place, and sat on the couch for awhile; I called my dad and GG to let them know I had made it safely. SL and I had some quality time after that, and then we headed to his friends R&R's house, which seemed like it was out in the country. They were an interesting bunch, I tell you what. We drank some beers with all these people, and I kept falling asleep on the couch. SL and I were bad, we effed on his friend's bed like three times (hehe!) but she wasn't there so it was alright, plus he was nice and washed the sheets for her in the morning before she came home. The only shitty thing was the girls called (they were seriously in the middle of nowhere called "Corbett", camping) and said that some dudes they knew were harassing them. It was just a ploy to get attention because that's how R&R's relationship is, but we went anyway and I found out that my Mustang can off-road. Not very well, but it still can. I slept in the car while SL, R1, and N went and checked on them. I had to sleep there that night because my hotel wasn't ready until Sunday afternoon.

Sunday we checked into the hotel and stayed there pretty much all evening til we got some food and went to see R&R again. R2's mom was kinda in a bad mood so we didn't stay. SL and I went to IHOP for the first time ever in my life. I actually ate pancakes with lots of syrup - 1 piece with maple syrup, 1 piece with butter pecan syrup, 1 piece with blueberry syrup and 1 piece with strawberry syrup. It was great. I had an omlette too but it wasn't that good.

Monday SL overslept for work so he didn't go in. We hung out with R1 for some of the day, and went to the mall. In the late afternoon we went to the Hong Kong Buffet and it was really good. We were talking about things to do for the rest of the trip and SL says, "I have a good idea! Give me the keys, my good idea is in the car." So he goes out to the car and comes back and I don't see him holding anything or anything like that so I think to myself that that was very strange. A few minutes later while we're still eating he says "Here." And hands me a little white jewelry box. Now, of course, I have a momentary freak out because it's about the same size as a ring box, but I open it, and it's a beautiful diamond and gold heart necklace. Oh man. I almost cried in the restaurant but I kept my composure. We left a little bit later and headed to R&R's again. We were going to hang out there but R2's mom still didn't want anyone over. We got some Captain Morgan and Sprite, and headed back to the hotel. The only problem was, the damn Sprite was flat. Here's a pic of me kicking it:
So we got some beers instead. We didn't get drunk or anything, just hung around and talked and laughed and took a bunch of pictures of each other.

Tuesday SL had to go to work so I dropped him off and went back to the hotel where I slept until about noon. He sent me a txt msg while I was sleeping that said "I think for you I might wanna try the long distance thing. Just thought you might wanna know that. Love you baby. SL" And at that point, I was the happiest girl alive. That night we went out to dinner with VM that I used to work with. It was great, we went to Brewzzi, which I suppose would qualify as an Italian Bar and Grille. I got to see this kid Adam who I haven't seen in almost a year (I haven't even seen VM in that long either) and also VM's brother who I haven't seen in about a year and a half. It was really a fun time, I met a couple of other guys who work with them, and they were really nice. One kid was in the Army so he and SL were talking about that a lot. VM offered me a job, and I half considered it for about half a second until I realised what a bad idea it was. I love VM as a friend but I could never work for him. Plus I could never leave the job I have right now, it's too awesome. Also, what would be the point of moving to Florida if SL is moving to Jersey in about 5-6 months? After dinner, SL and I drove around and around, he showed me some really awesome mansions on the ocean, some beaches, and downtown West Palm Beach. It was so nice, just riding in the car with him, talking and laughing and all that.

Wednesday SL overslept again so he didn't go to work. We spent the whole day driving around and picking up his friends and stuff, and I was kinda irritated because we had started out going to the beach and it was my last day there and I wanted to spend time alone with SL and make it as special as possible. At one point we stopped back at his house and R1 and I were alone in the car, and he was like, "Why are you so sad today?" and I told him it was because I was leaving tomorrow and I had wanted to spend time with SL, alone. So R1 said he would make this other girl take him and R2 home, and he got out of the car and talked to SL and it was all good. (Shoutout to R1!) SL wanted to go back to the hotel but I still wanted to go to the beach, so we stopped at Subway and ate dinner, then headed to the beach. It was Riviera Beach, behind all these hotels and really expensive condos. We walked down a long walkway and when we got to the sand I was amazed. I have never been to the beach before, except for Lake Erie, which isn't big like the ocean, and the "beach" that is in Massachusettes which is really more like rocks and then ocean. The water was so warm and I rolled up my jeans and stood in the wet sand and wrote "Kelly hearts SL" all over the place. We kissed for awhile, and it was so romantic because the wind was blowing and the waves were crashing and the half moon was shining down on us as the Palm Princess sailed past, all colorful and bright. It was so beautiful and I didn't want to leave, but we had to go back to the hotel for quality time. Wednesday night we actually got a bit drunk while we watched movies on TV. We talked to GG a little and SL thanked her profusely for hooking us up. Near the end of the night, I cried a lot and he cried too which I thought was so sweet. He said the only other woman to ever make him cry was his mom so that made me feel really special.

I woke up Thursday morning around 6am. I couldn't find my necklace and I was crying, but then I found it in the dirty laundry bag. How it ever got there, I could not tell you. I was so sad inside that I couldn't really cry over leaving though. SL and I got some breakfast from the hotel (it was complimentary) and packed up and took him home. I cried a little bit at his house, and then I got on the road eventually around 9am. The drive back was so easy compared to the way down. I only hit some rush hour traffic in North Carolina, and shortly thereafter I had to stop and buy a car charger because my battery had died for my phone and I didn't want to be driving all that way without contact to the world. I talked to SL for a long time (he decided that very day to get mobile to mobile so I got it that day too and now we can talk whenever for free) while I was driving, and he came up with a great plan that I'm not going to talk about just yet because I don't want to jinx anything. Eventually I let him go to sleep, but it wasn't long til I reached Ohio's border and called GG. She and I talked for two hours, the exact time it takes to get from the border to my parking space - literally, one hour, 59 minutes, and 20 seconds. I got home around 2:30am, plunked all my crap down, took a shower, called SL to let him know I was home, and went to sleep.

I worked on Friday, and I was so damn tired. It wasn't too bad though. I went home and took a nap after effing around with CVS trying to get my pictures developed. Then around seven I met up with GG and IH at Fiesta Jalisco for some authentic Mexican cuisine. We went back to my place after that and GG got to meet my kittens and IH got to see my house for the very first time. I took some pictures of GG and the kittens and of IH and all the animals randomly. Wendell was behaving herself very well and the kittens weren't too afraid of her, just curious and a little scared because I'm pretty sure they have never seen a dog before in their lives. Mickey sat on GG's lap the whole time. We went to Zuey's after that and I talked to Ferfer and SR and D for awhile, then I took a bunch of pictures of GG and IH, DG and TG, and RC. It was all quite fun and I had a very nice buzz going on. RC asked if I could take him home, which was a little weird, but it was okay. We were watching Jurassic Park and laying on the futon, which wasn't strange, but then he was falling asleep (I assume) and he was touching my tits and being a little odd with what he was saying, so I left. It was quite uncharacteristic of RC to do something like that, so I'm hoping he was just asleep and didn't realise what was going on. I talked to SL on the way home and also a few times when I got home, and then I crashed out on the couch because my bed is far too empty without a SL in it to keep me warm.

I hope he can come visit here in about a month.

A Public Display of Humiliation

This is mostly for my benefit. Read on if you like and if you're not afraid to see it raw.

Common Self-Defeating Attitudes and Fears

1. "It would be terrible to be rejected, abandoned, or alone. I must have love and approval before I can feel good about myself."
Well I suppose this is kind of true. I need to feel loved, but I don't need to be in love, so to speak. I've been rejected, I've been abandoned, and I've definitely been alone... I can usually deal with it, but since the marriage, it's become more difficult.

2. "If someone critcizes me, it means there's something wrong with me."
Definitely true. I totally believe this 100% without a doubt. I know that there is such a thing as "constructive criticism" but it's still criticism. Criticism is the activity of judgement or interpretation - you're being judged. Sometimes fairly, sometimes not, but being judged makes me self conscious which is the last thing I need.

3. "I must always please people and live up to everyone's expectations."
Me to a T. A mother-fucking T. This was instilled in me from a young age, so I'm not surprised. Do what the parents want, do what the school wants, do what your boss wants, and don't just do it, do it to the best of your ability. They try to say that they are "challenging your mind" or something... When it comes to relationships, I'm the same way though. My marriage probably would have a) never happened or b) worked out alright if I had actually had some balls to stand up and not worry about Matt being upset/miserable/uncomfortable and worried about myself and my well being... but if I care about myself I'm being selfish.

4. "I am basically defective and inferior to other people."
Well, this is a weird combination of feelings. I'm not defective, I mean seriously, I'm a human being and although my machine may not run at top quality, I still run. I am inferior though, for sure. I'm inferior to WR because he's younger than me and better off financially, relationship-wise, and socially. I'm inferior to Dr. Bob because he's a doctor and he has a house and a family and the like. I'm inferior to SL because he has had so many great life experiences, and I have had none. I don't measure up to these people and I probably never will, no matter how hard I try.

5. "Other people are to blame for my problems."
This couldn't be farther from the truth. I totally take blame for every single thing that goes wrong, always. It's terrible and I end up feeling guilty at the end of the day, even if nothing really was my fault.

6. "The world should always be the way I want it to be."
Again, couldn't be farther from the truth. If the world was the way I wanted it to be, I wouldn't be here. Things would be completely different and this question would be irrelevant.

7. "Other people should always meet my expectations."
Not always. I want respect, I want kindness, I want 'fair' - if I piss you off, fine, get pissed off back, that's fair. But if I do something great for you, do it back, that's fair too. I don't want to waste my time on you if I'm not going to get at least some shred of evidence that you appreciate what I'm doing. I'm not talking about material possessions either - Did I just hold the door for you? I think a "thank you" is in order.

8. "If I worry or feel bad about a situation, it will somehow make things better. It's not really safe to feel happy and optimistic."
Oh my god, they couldn't have put it better - but I will: "I always expect the worst so that when the worst doesn't happen, I am pleasantly surprised." It's true too, and I'm going through it right now. I'm tripping out about this trip to Florida and I have absolutely no good reason. I think back to when I first started talking to SL and I was completely happy, and completely myself because it was still 79 days til I was going to meet him. Now it's three and a half days. We say "I love you". I'm so afraid of what could, or should I say might not, happen...

9. "I'm hopeless and bound to feel depressed forever because the problems in my life are impossible to solve."
I only feel this way about one problem and that's Matt. I seriously feel that I will never ever be able to get a divorce. I have tried so many things, so many times, and nothing works. I really feel that one of us will have to die first, and it will probably end up being me.

10. "I must always try to be perfect."
Yes, I try, and then I fail miserably and we start all over again.

Types of Perfectionism that can make you unhappy:

• Moralistic Perfection: "I must not forgive myself if I have fallen short of any goal or personal standard." Yep.
• Performance Perfection: "To be a worthwhile person, I must be a great success at everything I do." Yep.
• Identity Perfection: "People will never accept me as a flawed and vulnerable human being." Yep.
• Emotional Perfection: "I must always try to be happy. I must control my negative emotions and never feel anxious or depressed." Yep.
• Romantic Perfection: "I must find a perfect mate and always feel infatuated with him or her." Not so much, I know love has its ups and downs.
• Relationship Perfection: "People who love each other should never fight or feel angry with each other." Definitely No! We're not robots!
• Sexual Perfection: Men: "I should always have sustained and full erections. It's shameful and unmanly if I have an episode of impotence or come too quickly." Women: "I should always achieve orgasm or multiple orgasms." This doesn't even apply, I'm actually quite fine with my sexual performance.
• Appearance Perfection: "I look ugly because I am overweight or have heavy thighs or a facial blemish, etc." Yep.

I don't really know the point of this, I just had to get it out. I'm going to apologize to SL for being not myself lately because I know he's felt it, and to anyone else affected, I apologize to you too.

I Just Love Signing Up for Things

Like myspace.com which is pretty fucking gay but I signed up awhile back and then my yahoo! account was hacked/fucked/destroyed and when SL told me he was updating his tonight I decided I may as well do the same. Woo-hoo.

Click for My MySpace Account if you feel the need.

I think that I'm going to use that for all those stupid quizzes and bullshit that I'm addicted to because I just LOVE filling out forms!! You think I'm kidding, but I'm not!!

Damnit. Four days.

Oh and by the way, this is me being self conscious because EVERYONE in Florida is beautiful and I'm so fucking farmy. Goddamnit. Oh, I know I have a great personality and the biggest tits this side of West Dublin Granville Road; I'm a hot chick for being from Ohio, I need this extra layer to keep me warm in the wintertime... and summertime... and anytime Ohio weather feels the need to be chilly... However, this extra layer makes me NOT HOT in Florida and I'm very worried about being around SL's friends and being the out-of-state fat chick and seriously listening to hidden snickers and shit like that. I know people aren't as cruel as I make them out to be, but those people who actually are that cruel are usually the ones I come in contact with. I may never leave the hotel room. I know SL is tired of hearing it, he scolded me again tonight. I gotta watch it or he's gonna get irritated.

Got another Brazilian Wax today... not as painful as the first one. I'm so smooth and tight you can bounce quarters off my pussy. That was slightly distasteful, but who gives a fuck? It's 1:36 a.m., I should SERIOUSLY be sleeping but I can't because I'm worried about all the beautiful people in Florida. Goddamnit. At least I know I have the smoothest cooch around.

And Michael Flatley was there in Silver Underwear

Haha, I know that's not the actual line but that's what pops into my head when I'm thinking of the words to "Rocky Horror Picture Show"... the song that starts with "Something something something the day the earth stood still" and goes on to say "See androids fighting, Brad and Janet, and Doctor X (sex! sex! sex!) will build a creature..." Yep. I am so out of touch.

So anyway, let's recap this week.

Monday I cried. GMc came over for goulash and zuchinni fritters and we watched... "Shall We Dance?" which was pretty shitty, and then "While You Were Sleeping" which was pretty good. SL called me and told me that his area had been ravaged by the hurricane and I cried.

Tuesday I cried. I went to Zuey's for a little bit and TG made me smile and cry at the same time because he was trying to cheer me up but I was really having no part of it. I went to the Hot Spot after that and Dusty and O showed up. Dusty bought me a couple beers and a shot and we hung out and it was pretty great. For some reason I was trying to get him to come home with me, but I didn't really want to fuck him, even though that was how I was trying to get him to come home. I think I just wanted some one in my bed to hold me since I had been crying since Saturday night. However, I left abruptly and he called me later on and was on his way back to Buckeye Lake, so nothing happened. I think if he had actually come over nothing would have happened anyway, but I'm still glad he didn't.

Wednesday I cried, and I can't remember what I did... I'm pretty sure I stayed home and did nothing... oh yeah, I bought a 12 pack of Beast and drank like seven of them and watched "The Godfather"

Thursday I cried. I went to karaoke and it was alright. I hung out with D*Martin and Cameron and it was fairly entertaining. D*Martin kept kissing me... that was a bit strange. I didn't mind, since that's how I met him anyway when he randomly kissed me back in the day. I was also kind of glad because this dude keeps following me around - Remember when GMc and I went to the VIP and Danielle was nice and some guy bought me a Jack & Coke Tall? That's the guy. The last three times (including this Thursday) I have gone to karaoke, he's been there, staring at me. I safely surrounded myself with D*Martin and Cameron and their friend A. Moose came in and I talked to him briefly and then GG came in but I didn't feel like getting into a conversation or anything so I just left and didn't say hi. I felt bad but I apologized the next day. D*Martin tried to come home with me, but I left again, abruptly. It's easier that way.

Friday work was going so shitty and I was just miserable. Then I got the bright idea in my head to look and see if there were any hotels in the Jupiter area (about 20 minutes North of West Palm Beach) because they have power and everything. I called seven different hotels before I finally got ahold of one, and I asked if they had anything from Nov. 4th to Nov. 9th and they said "No, but we have Nov. 6th to Nov. 10th" and I said "BOOK ME!" I was at McDonald's with KG and I was jumping around and yelling and giggling and I was so happy. I'm finally happy again. I had the best rest of the day. I went to Zuey's and had a beer and hung out, then I went home and napped for awhile til I talked to SL forever. Happy happy happy.

Saturday I cleaned around the house a little bit and then went to Zuey's to finish watching the OSU vs Minnesota game (OSU won, of course.) BR made burgers and I had one and some chips, then left. I went home and napped some more, and then got up around nine to get ready for DS's birthday party at The Lodge Bar. I got dressed, all nice and cute-like, and drove downtown, only to remember that parking is nill and where there is parking it costs $5 and also the cover was $5... now, I like DS just as much as the next jew but he wasn't really worth $10 just to get into a bar where I wasn't likely to have any fun. So I went back to Zuey's and hung out for a beer and a Cherry Bomb and talked to RC and SR a little bit. Then I went home and... slept... no, I watched TV. Then I slept.

Sunday I went to Cleveland with the family to my gramma's house to celebrate my dah's birthday (which happens to be today! Halloween Baby!) We went to Blazin' Bills Rib BBQ something or other and it was good, as always. My gramma was not very nice, as usual, and my mom got on me about going to Florida which was pretty shitty, but at least she apologized later on. I slept on the couch for a minute and then we had pie and cake and came home. I hate the drive to/from Cleveland to Columbus. It sucks, it's boring, and it seems like it takes forever even though it's only an hour and 45 minutes. When we got back to my house they came in and played with Mickey and Fox and Sheeba (my poor kittens, my mom mauled them to death) because they are going to be watching the cats while I'm gone and I wanted them to get used to each other. Not that cats really care about it... but still. So I also gave my dad the key too. Then I dressed up like a goth and went to karaoke, which was dead, and I got a lanyard from Jaegermeister and a T-shirt from Smirnoff. Dusty and O were there but they didn't stay long and left to go to Whisky Dick's. I sang awesome, like always, but the boots were fucking killing me so I went home and changed and ate a taco and came back. I sang my last song, had an O'Doul's, and headed out to Whisky Dick's. I found out that the KJ's wife, a complete and literal psycho, is pregnant, and I guess they are working things out so that might be an alright thing. Hung with Dusty and O for a bit and then we left and I went home.

I talked to SL a little bit last night and he was so cute. He was rollin and I was jealous and I told him so, and he thought I was jealous of all the little girls he was hanging out with so he launched into this speech about how much he loves me and how I'm the only one for him and they are going to be so jealous when I get there because I'm so preeetty and we're the best couple ever and he's jealous of himself because he gets to be with me, and he's jealous of my cats because they can sit on my lap whenever they want (actually he would prefer if I sat on his lap instead of him on my lap) and they get to sleep with me and he can't believe it's less than six days until I'm there and he loves me so much and can he call me later because he's getting too excited over my crotchless fishnet body suit (which I had mentioned I was wearing) and his face is turning red and he's getting all embarassed... yep, he rambled but it was cute. Later I talked to him again right before I went to bed and he quickly professed undying love again but his mom was on the other line so he couldn't talk long. Hah.

Ah, to be in love... it's wonderful. Five days kids, five days!

America! Fuck Yeah!

*jumps around*

I am going to Florida!!!!!! Fuck Yeah!!!!!!

I just booked a reservation for a hotel in Jupiter which is 16 minutes from SL's house. Fuck yeah.

*jumps around and falls over laughing*

At Some Point in Time

I would like to be genuinely happy.
I would like to be comfortable in my financial situation.
I would like to be able to plan something and not have it ruined by something or other.

Goddamn a mother fucking hurricane.

SL has no power, his windows are blown out, he spent the majority of yesterday either helping rescue trapped people in his neighborhood or helping his dad at the water plant. Ten fucking days... Florida Power and Light says it could be four or more weeks until the power is on. The website shows that they are restoring power fairly quickly, but who knows. I'm still fucking tripping out. If it's not one thing, it's another. I suppose if it gets to be November third and they still don't have power there, I'll have to cancel my vacation.

So much for love being "easy".

Terrifying Dream

I woke up at noon for the third time since I fell asleep around midnight last night. I was having the most terrifying dream.

I was on the phone with SL, and he was in the end of a hurricane and things were dying down. Everything was normal and fine, and he was talking about going to the U2 concert tonight. I was surprised to hear that the concert was still on, but he explained that it was Bono's idea because he's all about helping victims and crap like that so they had gotten free tickets. I asked who he was going with and he said "Chicky." I asked who else was going and he said no one, so randomly I was like, "Are you guys dating?" and he kinda laughed at me and said, "Gee it took you long enough to figure it out." And I thought back to all the times he had told me about hanging out with her and recalled that he was always vague on the details and never mentioned anyone else hanging with them. So I got upset, especially since he was still laughing, and I asked him why he did that to me and how could he because I was coming to visit in twelve days. He said he still loved me and he wanted me to come to Florida still but he was dating Chicky because I'm not accessible. I told him that I was and that I could be, and his answer was, "I know but you can't get a better piece of ass than a sixteen year old girl." I cried a lot and he kept on laughing. I couldn't stop asking him why and he just didn't stop laughing.

I finally woke up and it was so real that I had to call SL and ask him if I had talked to him earlier that morning, he said no and I said I love you and he said I love you too and my fears were slightly calmed... but not really. I don't know why I have such an issue with this Chicky girl. Maybe I'm just so nervous and in such disbelief that he loves me... or maybe I have a valid reason to be worried... the world may never know.

Now, a short list:

People who don't talk shit about SL:

• Work people
• SR
• GMc
• SJK
• Moose

People who don't want me to go to Florida/don't trust SL:

• Pretty much everyone else

Not Sure Where I Left Off

Well I'll just start on Sunday because it seems easiest.

I did nothing all day, literally, and then I went to karaoke at Eldo's. I ran into this kid I used to know, that I almost dated, Dusty. We hung out all night with Zara and it was pretty cool. We played video crack which is always... addicting. He bought me a couple beers, and overall it was a generically fun evening. At the end of the night I was tired of the video crack so I left him and Zara and went and talked to RC. We talked about a situation he was dealing with, and then he invited me to come back to his house and chill. I said I couldn't, I had to go home and sleep and talk to SL. He asked when I was going to Florida and I told him a few weeks, and then we were talking about SL and the military and everything. RC made me cry because he told me that there was no possible way that SL was in the Army SF, and he actually laughed at me. NMc came in for a second so I talked to him, then I called SL and I told him what RC had said and he was a little upset about it. Some dude was talking to RC when I went back in, and I was like "RC, I'm just gonna go home, okay" and the dude was like "What's wrong, come here and sit on my lap" as if I was going to do that, and when I said no he asked RC what my problem was and RC said, "I think I just shattered all her hopes and dreams and I'm feeling kinda guilty for it" so he hugged me and I left.

Monday I did nothing.

Tuesday I went to Zuey's for the open mic night and waited for NMc to show up, but he never did. In the meantime Keith the Keyboarder played his keyboard and I sang "Angel" which everyone loved. This chick I went to high school with was there and I was surprised to see someone from my past in my present. I graduated with her sister so we didn't know each other very well, she was two years behind me, but she remembered me on the second guess. I suppose I should feel wonderful... or something. When I realized that NMc wasn't gonna show up I decided to head to the Hot Spot for karaoke. I hung out there and talked to these two dudes I know from Eldo's karaoke and it was pretty cool. Then, my god, Poke showed up. With D*Martin and Cameron of course. He refused to come in because he was "scared" so I went out to the car and talked to him for awhile and then he came in later. D*Martin gave me his phone number. Poke bought me a shot. Cameron was gay as usual. It was pretty fun... in an irritating sort of way. I was txt msging SL all night and he kept telling me ways to get rid of Poke. They were all quite diabolical. I threw salt on Poke once because SL told me to get him with sodium something-or-other. It didn't work.

Wednesday GMc and I got together and he made me dinner at his house. I thought that was awfully nice of him. He made this really good sausage stuff for putting over pasta, and I loved it even though I really don't like sausage. It was DELICIOUS. I even loved the leftovers the next day. After dinner we headed to Brewstirs in the Continent because O had said he was going and we like hanging out with him. We got there and it was dead and O wasn't there so we left and went to VIP. Big J was there and some other folks GMc knows, and we hung out and it was cool. GMc and I shared some Foster's (Australian for Beer even though it's an American Beer) and then this guy Ron bought us a shot and GMc bought some shots and some guy I didn't know bought me a Jack and Coke Tall. Danielle the Cunt Bitch Extraordinaire was pretty nice this night, and I was shocked. I kicked ass on the few songs I sang, Bobby McGee, Somebody to Love, and Wait. Seriously, they loved me. There were these lesbians there making out at the bar and they actually stopped kissing to watch me and sing along and then clap for me. They were sitting right near our table and when I went back to sit down the manlier one gave like a twelve minute hug. She was soft for being so manly. I got very very tired around one thirty and tried to get GMc to leave but he was having a great time so I went out to the car and talked to SL. I went back in around two fifteen ish and GMc said I could leave because he wanted to stay and he would just take a taxi home. He said he loved me and thanks for a great evening. So I went home.

Thursday I went to karaoke at Eldo's for about two hours, but GG didn't show up and Moose didn't either so I left after three songs. Some guy named Bill bought me a beer and so did Smiley J. I spent nothing! Hung out with BR, who apologized for being a dick recently, which I appreciated although I know he's going to keep being a dick until he stops drinking. After he left I talked to TG for awhile and that was alright. I left at 11:20 p.m.

Friday JAFH and I were going to the Pumpkinville Circle Festival but on the way there it started pouring down rain so we turned around when we got to the fest and went back to Grove City. We went to the DQ where he works and got some mushrooms and Blizzards. It was great, I love Pumpkin Pie Blizzards. I love Pumpkin anything really. After that we went to Wal*Mart where I bought some new boots which I really really needed and an awesome Canadian track jacket which I didn't really need that much but really really wanted once I saw JAFH wearing it. We went back to his house and watched Hocus Pocus and then I went home.

Saturday I did nothing all day, then I went to Zuey's around seven and sat with all the normals, and we played The Game, and it was great. I got totally fucking wasted by ten p.m. GG and her new boyfriend showed up (we'll call him IH because that's what she calls him in her Live Journal) and it was fine. I bought us a round of Goldies and then he bought us a round of Goldies and I got even drunker. We went to VIP for karaoke after awhile and it was dead but there were a bunch of weirdos in there that I know from elsewhere karaokes. I was sitting there with IH and GG and I was still drunk even though I had chowed on some sort of burger and fries from Wendy's on the way over, and had been drinking water. I couldn't stand watching them being so cute and all that crap, so I said, "I'll be right back" and pulled a Robert on them, just leaving and not letting them know. They might have gotten confused but I passed Moose as I was turning the corner and I think he gave me a strange look. I'm sure he told them I bolted. I just couldn't bear to see them all happy when I'm so not happy. I cried all the way home and I cried when I got home and I cried myself to sleep. I'm happy for GG, don't get me wrong, she was convinced she would never get over IG, so I'm very glad she's happy with IH. However, it's the same old fucking thing where everyone has someone but me and that makes me sad. I don't have anyone to turn to when I need them, I don't have anyone to hold me, I don't have anyone to love me... It's shitty.

Today I have done nothing. I went to Kroger and bought a bunch of frozen shit to get me through to the 31st when I get paid and I cleaned the house a bit, vaccuumed, washed dishes, cleaned cat box, etc. I had a lot of trash upstairs...not sure how that happened. Tonight Dusty wants me to go to karaoke (he said he would be there tonight, last week) but I'm not sure I want to go. I like him and he's nice but I'm not interested in anything really. We'll see. Maybe I'll go for a little while.

Fuck You

I'm in such a foul mood.

I'm tired of people at work doing my job, going over my head and making me look stupid because I have no clue what is going on with a file for the simple fact that they did something without telling me and I had no way of knowing they did it.

I'm tired of being treated like a child.

I'm tired of saving money. I want to spend. I hate starving, I hate not eating lunch, I hate not being able to go out. I have $1,100 on my credit card that I can't spend because I'm going to Florida. They charged me a $37 annual fee just for having the damn thing. I have $50 to last me until the 31st, which would be $4.16 per day. Wonderful.

I'm tired of being married. I want to move on. I want to get this fucking burden off my back and move the fuck on with my life. Lazy Alcoholic Homosexuals do not bid well for my love life. I know SL says he doesn't mind, but it's gotta be something he thinks about every once in awhile. Not just SL, but every single guy I'm with has to think about that. I'm not completely theirs because I'm still married, or maybe that is why none of them will commit - how can they date a married woman? I fucking hate that mother fucker and I hope he is severely injured and has to suffer for the rest of his life, humiliated every time he goes into public, so much so that by the time he is 30 years old he can't even leave the basement because he's so embarassed by his outward appearance. After all, I don't want him dead - that would be too easy. I'd much rather have him suffer forever. Too bad I can't think of a good way to do it. Plus I know I'd be the only suspect, so it's out of the question anyway. Although it wouldn't be too bad if he was dead and I was in prison, at least I'd get three meals a day and probably lose some weight. My mom did say she wouldn't visit me though... well maybe she's still write letters.

That's another thing. I'm tired of being fat. I know it's all my fault and I'm in control blah blah blah but you know what? It's really fucking hard to lose weight. I've battled it all my life, since I was about eight, and I was only semi-thin for a year or so, even then I was still considered overweight. I would exercize but I honestly have no motivation. Everytime I try, something happens. I've been in more car accidents than one could imagine and my body just hurts all the time, people don't understand. I have a crooked spine from getting rear-ended by a semi truck, I have shoulder problems from when I was a diver and both arms popped out of their sockets, I have foot/ankle problems from when 1) I slammed my foot in a door and it cracked all the way through and 2) when I was running and stepped in a hole and shattered my ankle plate thingy and it never healed right. I'm just not a well-put-together person, physically. I remember when I first got married and MMA saw me naked for the first time, he said that he didn't know how to have sex with me because he had never been with a girl "as big as me". Great thing to say on the first night of marriage.

I'm done for now because I don't want to cry.

Some Random Junk

Yep, just had a few thoughts running through my head, had to put them down.

1) "Easy" by The Commodores was Poke's and my song. Coincidence? He keeps still asking around about me... still not calling me back.

2) I've been featured on an adult-themed blog, We Love Big Girls. Dude, Calvin, is the shizzy.

3) I really don't mind Justin Timberlake that much.

4) My shrink is a pretty cool dude.

5) I'm obsessed with music this week.

6) I wrote more poems between 1996 and 1997 than I ever thought was humanly possible.

7) I fucking hate my fucking husband.

8) Does anyone know how to get rud of fruit flies in a way that is safe for kittens/cats? I've taken to smacking them with a newspaper... they are invading my house.

9) I think that $59 for an oil change including all fluid top off and a new air filter isn't too bad.

10) I'm scared to death of my trip to Florida. It hit me when I rec'd my classroom sized map in the mail today. God Bless Ileem Beauchamp.

11) Now listen, I wanna try something right now, see they don't do this anymore, I'm gonna sing something, and I want the guys to sing with me, they go, "It feels like something heatin' up, can I leave wit you?" and the ladies go, "I don't know what I'm thinkin' 'bout, really leavin' wit you."
Feels good, don't it? Come on! Gentlemen, good night - Ladies, good mornin'.

12) Who knew that Florida actually has a little tip to it like an uncircumsized penis?

I Do Not Enjoy Being a Girl.

Ok, I'm dumb.

I'm semi-upset over this stupid thing.

Ok, so, I have pretty much stopped drinking. I've got it down to where I will go out and have two beers or one cocktail and then drink O'Doul's for the rest of the time. Doesn't save any money really, but it saves my liver I guess.

Anyway, the last few weeks I have been so trashed, and when I come home to talk to SL on the phone, I either can't make it through the conversation and have to hang up soon or I pass out cold and wake up with the phone under my head. I apologize profusely the next day, and he always says it's alright. Doesn't keep me from feeling bad about it though.
So this weekend, as I mentioned in the last post, his friend is in town. Friend only comes to town every other week, so I understand how important it is for them to hang out. Last night I actually talked to Friend for about ten minutes while SL was off doing who knows what. I also got passed around to three chicks, they were all trashed. SL told me he loved me last night (as I also mentioned before) and Friend even called me SL's girl and all that but...

If anyone couldn't tell, which is totally possible, I have ZERO self-esteem when it comes to relationships with men. I know I rock at my job, singing, and being friendly (kinda) but when it involves men... yeah. No. I'm always worried that at any given moment he (whoever he may be) will just drop me like a hot potato and never talk to me again. It's happened so many times that I think I'm just used to it. I don't know what will happen in the future with SL and me, but I would like to think that something awesome will come of this. I truly have not felt this way about someone in over four years. It's crazy because I never have met SL yet, but I don't know, maybe I'm just being dumb.

I can't get him out of my head.

I wish I knew exactly how he felt about me. Sure, he says things like putting my first name with his last name and waxing poetic about how awesome it sounds and what a great Army wife I would make... things like how he can't wait to meet me (which I'm sure is true) and what he's going to do to/for/with me when I'm there... sometimes I'll remind him that since I've never been with anyone who has his first name he better make it good and he'll tell me that I won't have the opportunity to be with anyone with his name (other than him) or anyone else for that matter, once we meet... I've joked that he will fall madly in love with me and he agrees... things like all that make me think that he probably feels the same way I do - maybe not as strong or as romantically, but probably the same. Oh, if only I knew.

The point of this whole rant is that every day it gets closer to driving to Florida, I get more worried that when I get there he won't like me. SL tells me to shut it, that I'm talking crazy, and how could he not like me, but I know it could happen. He could even find a girlfriend between now and then, anything could happen. He tells me he loves me everyday, but still, I'm so worried. I'm just being a dumb girl who thinks too much about situations... I hope.

So, yeah. I'm just jealous of Friend because he gets to spend time with SL, I'm slightly upset with no reason to be because SL has not talked to me more than 15 minutes in the last three days. I know I should not be upset because I have done the same exact thing to SL many, many times, but still, I feel bad. I should be happy that he's spending time with his best friend and I should not be jealous or upset, and I am happy, but still... I'm so dumb.

I had a dream when I napped on the couch after the OSU game. It was a strange dream, where I was married to someone I didn't recognize. We lived in Indiana. I was an older woman, probably about sixty five, and my husband was about the same age. He was a very tall man, with gray hair and Buddy Holly glasses, and a mean wrinkle to his face. We had children and grandchildren, and they all hated me. I was having sex with my husband, and it was terrible. Everything hurt. He only wanted to do it one way, I suppose you could call it reverse cowboy, sitting up instead of laying down. He had on those stupid glasses and I asked him to take them off and he pushed me forward on the bed, claiming I was ignorant and a terrible wife. I got dressed after he stormed out of the room, and went to visit with my daughter and the grandkids in the living room. For some reason they were staying with us for the weekend. I asked if my granddaughter needed a bath, and my daughter said yes, so I offered to draw it for her and give her some toys to play with. My daughter sighed loudly and said that would be fine, but she would be watching me the whole time. It was not like a child molester thing, I think in the dream I was losing my mind like alzheimers or something. I took my granddaughter into the bathroom and drew the bath for her, with lots of bubbles and toys like little boats and sailors, they were the same toys I had when I was little (in real life.) She was playing that she was an octopus, and when I washed her hair she dunked under the water to rinse it. As she did that, my daughter walked in and yelled at me for letting the little girl drown. My granddaughter popped out of the water, smiling and laughing, but my daughter just grabbed her from the tub and wrapped her in a blanket, calling me ignorant. I sat on the floor and cried while the water drained. When I got up, I walked out to the living room again, only to find that everyone had left. I knew they had gone out to dinner because that had been the plan, but I was hurt they had left me home. The phone rang and it was IG, and I only knew because it came up on the caller ID, he didn't say a word other than "Answer the door when the bell rings" and hung up. I kinda looked at the phone and contemplated calling him back, when the door bell rang. It was MC (I don't think I've mentioned him in real life but he's IG's best friend, also from Brazil, also blind), and he came bustling in (he wasn't blind in the dream) and started straightening up my house. He went to my bedroom and I heard a little poofy explosion noise (like when Cinderella's pumpkin turns into a carriage) and then he came out, kissed me on the forehead, and left. We're all in our sixties, still. I look into the bedroom and it has been transformed from looking like 1950's drab to beautiful romantic flowers and fluffy things and wispy fabrics. In my dream I wonder if I'm dreaming. Then the doorbell rings again. I open it, and there is SL standing with a bunch of daisies and wearing his Army uniform. I welcome him in and we go straight to the bedroom and make love. Not fucking, making love. In the middle of it all, I hear my husband saying, in a far away voice, "Kelly? Kelly? Wake up, wake up, Kelly?" and as I'm hearing this, SL takes me in his arms and holds me tightly, saying "Don't worry, everything will be fine now." As we finish making love, and I'm feeling better than I have in forty years, I hear my daughter's voice, crying, "Dad, she's gone. Call the ambulance." And SL and I get up and get dressed, and I walk him to the front door, and he says to me, "The car is waiting outside, you don't need to get anything, let's just go" and I follow him out to a beautiful green pasture where my front yard once was, and there's a red Mustang (like the one I have now in real life!) there waiting and we get in and drive away. I woke up because a kitten bit my toe, but I'm pretty sure that was the end of the dream. How fucking weird, not to mention really damn cheesy.

I highly doubt that SL will read this, but there's a slight chance, but it's okay.

The End of the World as We know it

I'm definitely convinced that we are currently experiencing the end of the world. In my first eighteen years of life, hardly nothing happened. Yes, there were natural disasters, like the Tsunami that hit Japan in the late 80's (I think), the earthquake in California back in the early 90's, etc, but nothing that happened all in a row like this. Since 2000 there have been at least eight hurricanes, the tsunami, global warming, fucking biblical type deaths in third world countries. It's coming to an end folks, yep.

WARNING: IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH SKIP THE PARAGRAPH TO FOLLOW.

On a different note, my kittens have worms and it is quite possibly the most disgusting thing I have ever encountered in my life. I woke up this morning so thrilled that they didn't shit on the floor overnight, only to see a pile of what I thought was cat yak. No biggie, Sheeba pukes all the time. Well, I get up on it with a paper towel and the Awesome Orange, and there, in the "yak" (which turned out to bloody cat shit) were worms, alive, crawling and squirming around. I puked, literally. My poor kittens. No wonder they can't make it to the box. Now I have to take them to vet and spend a whole shit load of money to fix them. I don't even have half as much money in my account as it will take to cover the exam and fecal sample/test alone. Not to mention the cost of worm medication for all three of them, if need be. This is absolutely fucking disgusting. I know I can't get the worms, but if all three of them have it I'm fucked. Sheeba is too old to deal with that and the kittens are too young and fragile. If I don't get them cured, they will literally starve to death - eating and shitting and never getting any nutrition. They eat like pigs, too! Poor kittens. I just have terrible luck with kittens, it's ridiculous. I had Butters when I was married, and she was the devil in-feline. Then there was Big Eel/Greyson, who was constantly trying to be a big boy and ended up being crushed by Chico so often that I finally had to give him away. After that was Spencer, who had feline lukemia or parvo for cats or something and just randomly collapsed and died one night. I can't take this emotionally. I'm a failure. How will I ever raise a child?!

THE GROSSNESS IS OVER.

So last night while I was on the phone with SL I went downstairs to get my cigarettes and heard a strange noise coming from the half bathroom. I investigated, and much to my dismay, the ceiling in the furnace room had collapsed. Wonderful. This is the third place I've lived in where the ceiling collapsed. First time was in my condo when the bathroom ceiling between the 1st and 2nd floors collapsed, followed a few weeks later by the bathroom ceiling between the basement and the 1st floors collapsing. That was wonderful. Then when I lived in the duplex downtown, the kitchen ceiling underneath the bathroom collapsed. Twice. I give up. I thought briefly about living in a cave, however, if the ceiling of a cave collapsed, I'd be killed or trapped inside... today, that doesn't sound so bad.

I got another email from Yahoo! today:

Hello,
Thank you for writing to Yahoo! Account Services.
Please note that automated scripts cannot change the Date of Birth on
Yahoo! accounts. The Date of Birth is the most important item on a
Yahoo! account, therefore it cannot be viewed, let alone changed.
I have confirmed the Date of Birth on file for your account and can
guarantee that the date of Birth on file during registration is the Date
of Birth on file today.
Thank you again for contacting Yahoo! Customer Care.
Regards,
Colt
Yahoo! Customer Care
For assistance with all Yahoo! services, please visit:
http://help.yahoo.com/
New and Improved Yahoo! Mail - better than ever!

This shit is just ludicrous. I cannot believe them. Here is my answer:

How would you know if they are the same if they supposedly cannot be changed? If you don't have the ability to change the date of birth, then what would be in your system to prove that it had never been changed? I've encountered several more people who have had this problem recently, and I really think you should have your security people look into this worm problem. I'm not afraid to go to the press and let them know that there is worm out there destroying people's accounts and you aren't doing anything about it, or even looking into the possibility of it.

Fucking Yahoo. This shit is really fucking retarded, and I will go to the press and tell them about this. Yahoo! has no idea who they have fucked with. I will single-handedly take down this motherfucking company.

Anyway.

Wednesday I went to the Hot Spot with NB and KP. It was pretty cool, saw NMc and sang with him. Yes, NB and I did do the nasty before we went, but I felt bad during and after, you know, with loving SL and all. But SL said it was okay, and I shouldn't feel bad, but I still did. I got over it a bit, but whatever. I can't believe that I actually effed NB and didn't enjoy myself completely. Everyone I talk to is like "Well I'm sure SL is down in Florida effing chicks" and I'm like, "I don't know and I don't want to know, but I hope he would be honest with me." I know we aren't dating or anything yet, but when/if we do, I would hope and pray that he would not cheat on me, and be completely honest then too. Especially then. He said he can't lie to girls, but you never know. In my opinion, failing to disclose information is the exact same thing as lying. I am probably getting ahead of myself here but I'm pretty much tired of people downing this relationship, even though its still a friendship. Fuck downers. Anyway, after the Hot Spot I headed over to Zuey's and it was all right. I don't like this chick, Ferfer (that's my nickname for her), she's the one with the fake southern accent that just makes me want to punch her in the mouth. Dennis was there also, as was Nicholas and a few others. Nicholas paid for all my drinks and then he even bought me, Ferfer, and KL roses from the rose guy. That was nuts. I didn't complain though! All in all it was an uneventful evening.

Last night I went to Zuey's as well, and hung out a bit with Jclyn and her daughter's father, Stv. Stv was acting like a hard ass and thinking he was the fucking shit and pretending he was italian. Cracked me up. He bought me a couple beers and shot though, so that was fine. Then he got in a fight with Fuzz at some point, then BR, then D the hairstylist, then Fuzz again... geeze. It was ridiculous. Other things that happened during the evening: D the Hairstylist told me my hair is un-fixable and it looks trashy. GMc came in and we had a great time. Jclyn kissed me twice on the lips, then wanted to know if she could french kiss me, so we did. She was pretty good, and kept complimenting me on my great kissing abilities. Then GMc french kissed me in the parking lot when were leaving. It was a very kissy evening. I only spent $3.75.

Tonight, going to J&J's for a little R&R. Fun times.

I stopped keeping track at eleven...

Oh my gosh! Yes, I know it's been over a month since I posted. I will say this in my defense, I was very busy. Very VERY busy.

I took my first airplane trip ever, from Port Columbus to Logan in Boston, Mass. The ride was okay. I was never really afraid of the plane ride, mostly afraid of the airport. Going out wasn't so bad, but I missed my flight on the way back because all my paperwork said 6:45 pm and my flight was actually at 6:45am so I had to spend a long time in Logan Airport on Stand-By but I was home in Columbus by 7pm that night - yay!

What has happened in the last month... wow. I don't even know where to start. I guess I can just start talking and hopefully most of it will come to me as I go along. I'll try and go in order but I am making no promises!

Let's see... Well, before I left I actually got a chance to sleep with G the Canadian twice. The first time was fucking awesome. He is a champ, I tell you what. He talked dirty to me, which was basically him rattling off a bunch of facts about Canada. Somehow, that was really hot to me. Don't ask, I've always loved Canada. The second time was not so awesome because foreplay consisted of him grossing me out with ketchup and eating a steak with mustard. when we were done, he told me we should just be friends. I cried for a really long time. We're still friends, and actually we have hung out a whole lot lately. Maybe I am finally starting to make his heart do flips (that was his reason for being friends only - I didn't make his heart do flips) or something. We have a small road trip to Kentucky tentatively planned for this weekend. We'll see how that goes.

I slept with J*R (the Eminem guy) a few more times, and it's all well and good. He's a super nice guy but he has an issue with returning phone calls. He apologized for it, called himself a dick, and we moved on. Before that, he had actually introduced me to his friends. It was kinda weird, being the only girl, but I felt kinda special. He even had his arm around me in front of them. Supposedly the reason why he stopped calling me back is because he thought I wanted some kinda commitment. I would, but I don't know if he's the one. Especially after the last two Fridays. Last Friday (week before 2 days ago) I hung out with J*R and TS at TS's house. We all blew down and drank some beers and had a wonderful time. J*R played video games while TS and I talked and listened to music. Then TS went to bed and J*R tried to fuck me which was unsuccessful because you can't really get it up when you've been blowing down. I got off though, which was okay, and then I left. J*R wanted me to stay overnight there, but there was no place to sleep so I just went home. He apologized, as usual, for the limp dick. It's a running thing, kids, Jon and his limp dick. He needs to fuck me when he hasn't been doing drugs. Maybe when he hasn't even been drinking... who knows. Anyway. This past Friday, I went to Zuey's after my date with a new friend, CW. TS was there so I sat by him and we were just shooting the breeze and laughing at white trash that was blowing him off and stuff like that. He started talking about how last Friday he heard me moaning and that got his dick so hard that he had to come out and see what I was doing. Apparently at the moment he came out I was giving J*R a blowjob and TS had the mad desire to come up behind me and start fucking me, but he didn't because he wasn't sure how I would react. Well apparently this thought was enough to get him all excited again because all nine inches was hanging over the side of his leg inside his jeans just waiting for me to jump on it. We finished our beers, tabbed out, and came back to my place for almost three hours of incredibly hot sex where I got off a lot of times (I stopped counting at eleven) and he didn't get off before we went to sleep. Around 6:45am the next morning he woke me up in that special way. He finally got off and we fell back to sleep. The only shitty part was when he got up to go to work, he thought he was late and literally ran downstairs, got dressed, and bolted. I was semi-offended but oh well. He'll be back, I hope.

Who else is there... Oh, well, I fucked SJ for the first time since Christmas (or was it Thanksgiving?) and we had a little heart to heart and he said he thinks he's in love with me, but then he hasn't called in 2 weeks... I fucked TM's friend CS, who was very cute and very nice but who showed up at Zuey's two days later with some girl and completely ignored me. I think that's about it... yeah.

I know you're all dying to hear what happened to SB and me. Well, nothing really. We talked a little bit before I left for vacation, but nothing important. He called me while I was ON vacation and he was drunk and crying and rambling about bullshit and I was like, half asleep but I had no idea what to say. Talked to him the next day and he said he was sorry for calling me at 3am and he missed me and couldn't wait til I get back. Yep, the motherfucker has not returned a single one of my calls NOR has he called me. I saw him at Zuey's the day after I got back and he didn't even recognize me. When he realized who I was he said I was looking good but he really had nothing to say. As he was leaving I was like, "Hey we should get together and fuck sometime" and he goes, "Well gee that was blunt" and I said "Well SB whenever I'm nice to you and girly to you, you blow me off. Maybe if I'm kinda trashy and bitchy you'll pay attention." He looked confused and said, "I'll call you later." and left. Applause for me! I have no idea why I even bother to think about him anymore. But I get so confused, like, the way he talks and the way he acts are so opposite, but only 75% of the time... I guess that's my answer. But when I was on vacation and he called me up the next day, sober, he was like, "I guess I can't date anyone, can I? I'm just not meant to date." To which my response was, "Well SB you should just date me. I'm ridiculously cute, devistatingly charming, I have nice tits, tight pussy, I'm rich and well educated, and I love to suck cock." And do you know what HE said? "Those things are all true, but really you're the only girl who is ever there for me no matter what." Now how the fuck can he not care one single bit but still say that shit, and not even being saying it simply to get me in the sack?! I could understand if we were about to fuck or he was trying to take me home or something, but its all so very random. I hate boys!!!

What else? Can't think of anything. I'm sure it will come to me later.