11 March 1982

Right after I posted the last entry, I noticed the date. Today is the day, 26 years ago, that I was adopted! Yay!

Weird Dreams, No Sleep

Last night was one of the worst nights I've had for sleeping. I dunno wtf was going on, but I just could NOT sleep. I almost cried. When I finally did fall asleep, I had a terrible nightmare!

I was at what was presumably my house, but it seemed like I still lived with my parents and little brother. My best friend from Cleveland, SLV, came to visit. She was driving this crazy ass car, looked like a Scion sedan type thing, it was neon blue and really janky. We decided to go over to this kid's house, his name was Tyler or Taylor, and he was nobody from real life. So we're there, and he's drunk, and she gets drunk, and I'm not drunk. Then this girl from school, Sarah, who isn't even a friend of mine and she's not in my schedule, shows up. I guess she's Tyler/Taylor's girlfriend. I'm just sitting there, annoyed because I want to hang out with my friend whom I haven't seen in months, and Sarah comes and sits next to me. She's bothering me, like "wtf is your problem?" and shit like that, trying to get me to drink, but I really don't want to. So she starts punching me. I can't get her to stop, no matter what I do. Tyler/Taylor's dad comes into the room where we are, and he's like, I dunno, kinda egging her on to keep hitting me til I take a drink. I finally get up and run out the door, and I yell for SLV to come on and get the fuck outta there. I'm in the car, and she stumbles out, all irritated that I want to leave. I try to tell her that I just wanted to spend time with her, but she's all pissed off that I made her leave the "party" even though it was just her and Tyler/Taylor sitting on the couch drinking. So I'm like "well we'll go somewhere fun, I promise, I just have to stop home and get some more money" and we head back to my house. Well I pull up and there are like 30 cars in the yard and driveway. The house is a piece of shit house too, like something you'd find run down on the Hilltop. I leave her in the car, go in, and find the place packed with all these teenagers I don't recognize. I see my brother in the middle of the crowd with a bottle of something to his face, which pisses me off. I make my way upstairs to where I assume my parents are, and I find them in their room. My mom is awake,m watching Bonanza and my dad is "sleeping". I start complaining about the damn kids and the drinking and shouldn't my parents have learned that they can get in trouble from letting it happen in their house, and my mom says "well tell your father, he's the one who bought it all and got drunk with them to start off with! after one game of quarters though he couldn't handle it and passed out, he's been throwing up in between consciousness." I'm aghast. My father doesn't drink in real life! So I run into the bathroom to try and find my hidden stash of money, and some drunk girl is hidden in the closet puking and tries to get out and almost pukes on me. I punch her in the face. As I'm trying to leave, I keep getting confronted by drunks trying to throw up on me, including my dad, and it's terrifying. I finally get out, and run to the car, and SLV has disappeared. I drive around a little bit, and finally see her no her way back to Tyler/Taylor's house. Then I wake up.

Well, you might think that was the end. OOOOH NO. I fell back asleep and had another terrible dream!

I went to Otani's for karaoke with some boy who looked like a cross between VES, Poke, and this kid I dated briefly in high school named Bryan. Otani's was normal in the dream, until I told them we were there for karaoke and they led us down some strange secret hallway into this teeny little room. It was packed, but I saw The Sir sitting in the back, so I was ok with it. I made my way back there, stopping along the way to help this girl get started singing her song cuz she couldn't remember how it went. We finally get to two empty chairs, and I hear my mom yell out my name. She's there with my dad, my brother, my uncles (one of whom died in 2005), my aunt, and my grandmas (one died in 2001, the other died last year.) They're all sitting at a table enjoying sushi and other Japanese type food, which is a shock because none of them would ever even try that shit in real life. Anyway, we stay for a little bit, I talk to The Sir, we complain about how tiny the room is, and then me and mystery man leave. We go to this amusement park that is randomly set up on Cleveland Avenue. This boy I went to K-8 with, Jason J., runs it. He's not the owner, but he runs the whole thing. All the people who are there are people from my past - kids I went to school with, Preschool-Senior year, people I used to work with whose names I can't even remember, everyone. It seems like every single person I've ever said one word to is there. I meet up with my 8th grade class and we're going down these crazy water slides. For some reason though, you don't get wet. It's like you're sliding on top of the water, Jesus style. Crazy. We decide to go into this building nearby to chill out for awhile, and inside the building is just like a house with and upstairs and bedrooms and a kitchen and stuff. I want to take a nap, so I head to a bedroom. There is this ugly kid in there, and he's sick. I don't know him in real life, but he looks like someone I recently saw a picture of. I ask him if there is another place I could lay down, and he says no but I can stay here because he's leaving. I'm kinda icky about laying on the sheets he was laying on because this kid was just in the bathroom puking his guts out (I don't know what the deal with puking in these dreams is!) He goes into the bathroom and pukes some more, and as I'm debating on leaving all together, there is silence. I open the bathroom door and this kid looks dead laying on the floor covered in yak. I close the door and walk out, hoping he isn't really dead and just fainted or something. I meet up with mystery guy, and he says there is another place we could go to sleep. We go into this other bedroom, and it's really nice. We've just laid down when this girl I used to know, Cheryl, comes in. She tells me that MW needs my help. I'm like "wtf?! where is she?" and Cheryl says she's at at home, but hands me a bundle. Wrapped up inside is what looks like a fetus, but the towel isn't bloody or anything. She tells me that I need to take care of it, and not take care of it as in raise it but take care of it as in get rid of it. So I somehow come up with a plan to melt the baby. We just learned in class that meat is 75% water, 5% fat, and 20% protein, so in my mind this should work. Then there would be no evidence. I've acquired some sort of huge roasting pan, and the dream goes black and when it comes back the pan is filled with melted lard looking stuff with some chunks in it. Cheryl comes in and asks if I'm done, and I tell her to please get me a garbage can to dispose of this in. She does, I do, and that's that. Mystery man and I go for a walk. As we're walking, we stop under some trees to have sex. It's weird sex, and it didn't even seem like sex at all. We weren't naked either. We continue walking after that, and run into JAFH. He gives me $5 in quarters. I start crying, telling him I'm so sorry and I love him but I just can't commit to him. He walks away, we walk away. As we're turning the corner, I drop all my quarters on the ground. Mystery man kicks them away as I scramble to pick them up. Then I wake up.

I started nodding off on the couch around 10:30pm last night, and decided to get into bed. I fell asleep almost immediately, but then I woke up at 12:57am and couldn't fall back asleep until almost five. It was awful. I had the first dream, woke up at 6:17am, fell back asleep, woke up at 7:03am, fell back asleep, woke up at about 10:26am. Shit. Poke was sending me text messages about how much he loves me and misses me. I think those are what woke me up both times, and I know for sure it was when I finally got up at 10:26am. He told me last night that he's a bit scared out there, but even though he's 25 years old this is his first time ever being away from everybody, so it's understandable. As we were driving to the bus station, he said "I think I've overstayed my welcome" and I'm like "what?" and he said that he's overstayed his welcome in the way of being happy-go-lucky and basically it's time to be a man now. This made me happy. The text I got this morning though was good, he said that the first day of class was going well. He had a nightmare last night too! Awww. My poor Poke. I kept reassuring him that the 4 weeks will fly by and that this is the best decision he's ever made. I'm sure he'll do fine.

As for me, I have to quit DQ tonight and that's going to be interesting. Wish me luck.

That's a Big 10-4

Well it's about 4:20am, I got home from dropping Poke at the bus station about an hour ago, maybe a little less. Shucks.

Blizzard '08

YAY! SNOW!

We're still under a level 2 emergency, which means that nobody should be out or on the roads, but it's not illegal. Level 3 means they can ticket you or arrest you for being on the roads. Super AWESOME!

So, things have been going exactly my way. This makes me nervous that something terrible is going to happen to me, because I can't believe that for once my luck has actually changed.

First, I got approved for a supplemental student loan. I should have my money in a week or so! Yay!

Second, I probably have a new job at Steak'n'Shake. Not only are the hours better, but it's closer (I mean way close - not even 1/2 mile from my house, as opposed to DQ which is about 12 miles) and there's no bitchy boss's wife who hates me to deal with. Yay!

Third, Poke leaves tomorrow morning (if the busses are running that is) for Pennsylvania. He's going to trucking school. The one thing I never thought he would do, he's doing it. The one thing that was the determining factor for whether or not I give him a chance, he's doing it. That to me shows that he really does love me and really does care, because now he's got a real plan. He's making steps to improve himself to improve our relationship. This makes me happy. I'm not saying yet that we are definitely 100% getting back together, cuz I want to make sure he really goes through with this first, but it's looking pretty good. Yay!

So that's three things that have gone my way. They say everything comes in threes, so now I'm just so scared that a really awful something will happen. I hate this bad luck shit! I guess one shitty thing already did happen, I told DBH that I'm not interested in a relationship anymore, and he got pretty angry/upset and hasn't talked to me for about a week. He thinks it's all about Poke, I tried to explain to him that it's not, but he won't listen. It has everything to do with him being 500+ miles away, me having to kick up the juice at school and getting a new job where I work more hours, and most of all the fact that he disappeared on me for 4 days, I felt like shit the whole time, and when he finally started talking to me again, it was like nothing ever happened. I didn't even get an explanation from him as to why he stopped talking to me. So fuck that, I can't have all those "conditions" around a relationship. I thought we could still be friends, but since he's stopped talking to me again, I guess that's not going to happen. Live and let live I suppose.

Well, I have to figure out how I'm going to get my car out of the parking spot. The plow came by like 8 times last night and just piled the shit up on my bumper, and my poor little car is literally buried. Oh well, we'll see how it goes...

Here are a couple of videos for your viewing enjoyment:






And now: Pics!

Please Come to Boston for the Springtime...

Things are going well. I don't even know what to talk about really, because there is no real pain, no real sadness... everything is going pretty damn good for me. I aced all three classes this term (just ended yesterday), Poke is back in the picture (no, we are not getting back together but he's making a really good case for himself), I seemed to have discarded all the baggage I've been carrying (other than divorce and financial problems, those may never go away...) as far as shitty friends and stuff like that go. I'm a happy girl. I guess I could tell you about how much I fucking hate DQ, about my interview with this character from Dreamgirls where I would like to work in their kitchen but he says I don't have buffet experience so he wants me to have one of my chefs teach me so I can get the job and teach them... I applied at Steak and Shake too, but they haven't called me yet, I guess they will on Monday or Tuesday. I need to get another student loan because my hours at DQ suck and I can't pay the bills. My electric bill was $170.00. I can't even buy groceries. I did talk to MMA tho and he said he'd pay for the disillusion so that might be good. If he does it.

23 Minutes in Hell

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: Ian G
Date: Feb 18, 2008 6:30 PM


From: ATHEISTS AGNOSTICS SKEPTICS & HUMANISTS ON MYSPACE
Date: Feb 18, 2008 5:12 PM

wtf.

The strange thing about being single is that I get hit on...

by

* hondurans
* el salvadorians
* half black/half asians
* short jamaicans
* assholes
* rappers

This was all last night. Now, I'm definitely not racist or wtfever, but omg. Bizzy was there, tellin me how cute I am (couldn't buy me a drink tho!), these 2 hispanic dudes were talking to me in spanish and i was like wtf how do you know i speak spanish, this incredibly short jamaican guy kept telling me dirty perverted things disguised as "articles he read in men's magazine", this asshole told me about the rodeo and his favorite part where the monkey rode the border collie like a horse, and the half black/asian guy was actually the only one that sparked my interest. I may call him on wednesday like I said I would. He was normal. But I've never dated outside my race. Especially twice! (ROFL that was a terrible attempt at being clever.)

Have a great day.

Oooh child things are gonna get easier...

Well Poke and I are talking again. Nothin' doin', we're not getting back together, but for once in our lives I was able to really tell him what the facts were and he actually listened. Good. Maybe we can be normal friends, since we are so ingrained in each other as it is.

And the award goes to...

Me!

For being overdramatic last night when I posted the last blog. I was feeling really shitty, and kinda blew it out of proportion. Yeah, shit still hurts but I will be fine.

Days Come and Go

Being alive hurts so much right now.

In the last 40 days, I've lost my boyfriend (who, it seems, already has a new girlfriend), one of my best friends, and a very good friend that I was looking forward to getting to know a lot better. Why does everyone leave me? GG is the only friend I have now in 2008 that I had in 2007, 2006, and 2005. Heck, we were even friends for part of 2004. What is wrong with me? What have I ever done to deserve this? I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm feeling pain for myself. I hurt so much, I can't even put it into words. Everyone leaves me and moves on with their lives, being happy, and it doesn't even seem like life without me is any worse or better than before. How can you just drop someone who was a major everyday part of your life and not be affected? Even after I've broken up with someone, I still miss their presence in my life. Maybe I'm strange. I don't know. All I know is that this shit hurts and I don't really know what keeps me going anymore. I want to curl up in a ball and die. Earlier this year I was so fucking happy. I didn't think anything could go wrong. I guess that was where I went wrong. Even school means practically nothing to me right now, but it's the only thing I have so I might as well do a good job at it. I'm just a shell of what used to be. That was so cliche, but I can't think of anything else to describe it. I want to stab myself in the heart and just be done with it.

You take the breath right outta me - You left a hole where my heart should be.

Enemy - New Favorite Song

The words you used were mine, used a thousand times
Doesn't make them what I've bled
I hated you, I loathed you
Though felt, I never let the words begin to spill

Make me sick 'till I can't breathe
Never want to be your enemy
Silence me, so I can't be,
Never want to be your enemy
I walk the

High road away from you
God knows what I've been through
This is the life I have, this is the life I choose
I walked away, the high road away from you
Walk away, walk away, you made an enemy

I never, I never wanted, I never wanted to poison or burn through
Labeled malcontent, by bastards of decent,
excuse this place I stand, words are to elude you

Make me sick 'till I can't breathe
Never want to be your enemy
Silence me, so I can't be,
Never want to be your enemy
I walk the

High road away from you
God knows what I've been through
This is the life I have, this is the life I choose
I walked away, the high road away from you
Walk away, walk away, you made an enemy

Deep inside realize never want to be your enemy
Change me, rearrange me, make me your enemy (Yeah)
Deep inside realize never want to be your enemy (Walk away from)
Change me, rearrange me, make me your enemy (Enemy, yeah)
Deep inside realize never want to be your enemy (Walk away from)
Change me, rearrange me, make me your enemy, your enemy
I walk the

High road away from you
God knows what I've been through
This is the life I have, this is the life I choose
I walked away, the high road away from you
Walk away, walk away, you made an enemy

The Twilight Zone

I.
Can't.
Sleep.

I have a doctor's appointment at 10 am tomorrow morning (well ok, i should say in six flippin' hours...) and I am NOT tired. Now, if I didn't have to work tomorrow night it wouldn't be so bad, but tomorrow is going to be the LONGEST day ever.



Other news:
Still haven't heard from my friend. I'm worried. I know he won't pull a Poke on me and just take off, and sometimes I know he gets a little antisocial, I just wish he'd at least say hi or something. Maybe I'm being selfish, but goddamnit, I want to talk to my friend!

I gave up beer for lent again this year. So far, so good. I don't think I will miss it, as I am now more open to liquor-based drinks such as cheap vodka and soda water, lol.

I guess that's all. Oh, here are birthday pics:

Me and MW

Me and KS from school

Me and AT from school

My super awesome cup with lights and a penis!

Me drinking from said cup

MW and her girlfriend

AC yay

Me and RW from school

Me and RP from school

Me and EM from school

Open Mouth, Insert Foot.

Ack. I wish sometimes I could just say things without the entire world crashing down around me.

DBH and I are not in a relationship, ya know? We're just friends. We're just talking. Even so, he's worried about his two friends who don't like me over something I said over a year ago (you may recall someone being described as loking like a potato.) He doesn't want to be in the situation where they make them choose, and I sure don't want that either. I would never want to come between him and his friends. Well anyway, last night I was talking to GG and told her to keep things on the downlow, so as to keep all drama to a minimum. It's not like he's hiding anything, he's just not volunteering any info (his words.) This is all fine with me. But for some reason it really upset him last night and now I feel like shit. We were talking about it last week and we were both really upset over it, but I don't know what happened last night. I think maybe when I said "whatever, it's fine, I'm used to it" he thought that I was comparing him to Poke. I just have to make sure he knows that I would never compare him to Poke in any way whatsoever other than to tell him how much better he is than Poke ever could be. Just the fact that he's worried about this whole friend thing and how they will react shows me that he cares so much. Poke was always like "fuck you, I'm not telling my mom and that's it." Except for now DBH is not talking to me. I sent him a little e-card apologizing for upsetting him, I know he saw it, but he didn't respond to my texts last night. I'm just going to give him some time and space to chill out, because I don't want to seem clingy or as if I'm turning this whatever it is into a big deal relationship or something. I just feel so shitty for hurting my friend and making him upset.

*sigh* That's about all for now.

Sex

OMG!

Ok, that was for DBH. He said I should post that, so I did. But now I shall continue. My birthday was SUPER fun on Friday. A lot of people came, WR, EM, KS, AT, RP, RW - all from school, plus MW and her girlfriend, AC, The Sir and his girl, and one of EM's friends I met at the end of last term. It was a blast. There was a new karaoke guy doing the show, and he was so fun. I really REALLY like his system, it's clear and good. The only problem was that I was so nervous to sing in front of my friends that I didn't rock out like I normally do. OH well. For my birthday I got a super cool cup with lights and a penis inside and a card from MW and her girlfriend, a card from everyone at the bar, a card from the people at school, a card from AT, and a card with 5 lottery tickets from The Sir and his girl - I won $3.00! I drank and drakn and my tab was only $10 lol, but I was so drunk that they wouldn't let me drive home even though I insisted it would be fine cuz I live across the street, but AC took me home anyway.

Saturday, I woke up around 8:00 am and walked over to Groucho's parking lot and got my car. I think I was still a bit intoxicated, but maybe I was just still half asleep. I dunno. Either way, when I got home, I made a grilled cheese sandwich, talked on the phone for a bit, and then napped until almost 2:00 pm. I pretty much laid around all day long, ate some food, laid around some more, napped randomly... yeah. It was nice. RM called me at some point, and we talked about goign out to Helen's again. She had to go out with some friends from work, so we hooked up around 10:30pm. While I was waiting for her, DBH called me and we talked for about an hour. That was nice. He was on his way back from PA, and I told him he should have driven the other way because PA is right next to Ohio and it would have been only like 6 hrs to get here. Oh well! Soon enough. But I digress. RM and I went to Helen's and it was so fun. I love those people! They are all older, crazy, and love karaoke. They are all super nice too and really have manners. The karaoke dude's wife kept trying to hook me up with this guy that I've known for about 4 years, and I was like "noooooo NO NO NO" but she kept insisiting that I "agress" and try to get him to talk to me. Now let me tell you, once a long time ago I was on match.com and this dude ended up being like a 99% match on their little system. He's alright, but not very cute, and he's kinda strange in a very strange way. I just can't even like... have a conversation with him, let alone try to date this guy! Oh well. We had so much fun, it was awesome, I was happy.

Then I made a mistake when I got home. I got on myspace for shits, and noticed that one person was missing from my friend list. I checked it out, and it ended up being Poke's brother who had deleted me. Then for some reason I decided to look at Poke's page, and some bitch had left a comment about fucking on there. I got all irritated and upset, but whatever. If that's what he's going to fuck after leaving me, more power to him. He's never going to find someone as awesome as I am. I've already got somebody in my life who is more caring, romantic, and who wants me more than he ever did. Good luck to him, and once again, I hope his penis falls off. he doesn't deserve to have one.

Sunday morning I woke up sad, so I talked to DBH and he made me feel so much better. Sometimes I just need all that reassurance. I get all these shitty thoughts in my head and I can't get them out, and I need someone to stick their little prongs into my brain and pull all the crap out. Ya Know? Anyway, I got a little sad again after feeling better because DBH told me that he is not, in fact, taking a week off in March because he already used up his vacation. I wasn't too sad though, since it only costs $35 on SkyBus to fly here for a weekend. All we have to do is coordinate our work schedules. It will be just fine. I CAN'T WAIT! Hahaha, yes, I'm excited.

Later, when I get home, I will post pictures of my birthday.

Crazy Old Ladies, Sexy Young Men

Wow. What a year this has already been for me. It started off promising, quickly headed south towards the pits of Hell, and now has been givien a violent shove into seriously almost wonderful.

Poke - haven't talked to him. D*Martin told me that Poke said he wished I would have just said "Good, Leave." instead of trying to plead with him to come back to me. The reason is that "drooling over someone isn't sexy." Well I'm so sorry I wasn't trying to be sexy when you tell me the relationship is over, I'm so sorry but I also wasn't drooling - I was trying to salvage the fucking relationship! Whatever. I am SO better off without him. I just need to figure out what to do with all the crap he left at my house.

Cat - Well I don't know if I ever mentioned this before, but our friendship suffered a blow when she decided I was shitty for wanting to hang out at Groucho's even after she cancelled her show there. She had told everyone that the show was cancelled, then changed her mind 3 days later, and so the owner got someone else to fill in. Well when BC went there to set up for the show, the new guy was already there set up. Cat was furious! I'm like whatever, it's her fault for not being clear with the owner. She gets all pissed off at me, since I'm a bad friend for not supporting her decision to cancel, and for not being pissed at the owner that he got someone else to do the show. She says that they screwed her over, I totally disagree because she's the one who cancelled the show in the first place. Well anyway, she got over it, decided that we had been friends for too long to let something stupid come between us.

I am having my birthday party at Groucho's this Friday, and I didn't invite her because I knew 100% that she wouldn't come - she has a show, she doesn't like Groucho's, and she bitches about smoking. Why would I invite her if she couldn't come anyway? Regardless, I had left a comment on D*Martin's MySpace when he said he didn't want to come and risk running into her. I said, "She's not invited because she has to work, hahaha, so there's no excuse." Apparently she saw this and now I'm a terrible friend. She deleted me from her MySpace, she wrote me two nasty emails, and that's that. Well okay then, if she's going to be so stubborn and self-righteous, I don't need her as a friend because it's not a real friendship anyway.

The first email:
Yeah, I saw your comment on D*Martin's page. "She's not invited, cause she has a show at Trumps." Oh how convenient for you and D*Martin, your fucking buddy. You fucking suck. And, no I am not drunk. You are a backstabber. Yeah, I am your BFF, isn't that forever. Well, not anymore. You arranged this party just so I wouldn't show up. Maybe Poke is right. Take me off your list. You are no friend. Cat

The second email:
You know I have always been there for you, and for you to post something like that on D*Martin's page, is a slap in the face to me. I can't believe that you would do something like that. Especially to a dude that totally fucked me over, and every one else that he comes in contact with. I can't believe that anyone at Groucho's would want to see him either. He's fucking pathetic. And you are now just as bad. But to do it to me who has always been a friend to you. The part that hurts the most is saying I'm not invited because I am at Trumps and no longer at Groucho's. You have no excuse for this. I have been a loyal friend to you, and I expect my friends to be loyal to me, as well. You are not a loyal friend. You hurt me with that comment, so now you can have D*Martin around all you want. Why don't you invite Mel while you're at it? That is all I have to say. Cat

So, that's about it for that story. Onward.

School - SCHOOL RULES. I am a soup/sauce genius! So far this is my strongest thing ever. I rock out soups like it's my job (lol maybe someday it will be) and my sauce are of perfect consistency. It's so great. Not to mention that my other classes are fucking easier than oh um let's say breathing... Computers is easy cuz I know all this shit already, and purchasing is just plain simple. We have to do math in purchasing, which I was a little worried about because I didn't know if I would remember everything my old professor had taught me. It's all good though. Our block is a great group, except for one, but that's okay because there has to be one in every group, right? It's all about attitude and cooperation. Some people lack things that piss everyone off, but what can you do? Move on. She won't last. I have a new kind of BFF, WR. (Not to be confused with WR from Midwest Financial, who is no longer a part of my life. So don't get all messed up.) She and I have a lot in common, and she really REALLY helped me through the whole Poke breakup bullshit. I like her, she is nice. LOL

Love life, or lack thereof, or prospective significant others - I recently started talking to an old person of interest, DBH. He and I have not met in person, but we talk on the phone and online for hours on end, and we've been friends for about a year and a half. He lives in New York State, about 8 hours from here. He has a shitty car, so he's going to have to fly if he wants to visit. It's amazing. He tells me he wants me so badly, and I'm like "why?" and he says it's because I turn him on so much. I'm like "well what about my devastating charm or big wrinkly brain?" and he responds that it's all part of the whole package. THE WHOLE PACKAGE! It's awesome. GG is the one who introduced me to him, and I'm glad she did. I was telling her about the recent developments in this potential relationship, and she's like "Well he's very quiet and neither Megz nor I have been able to get him to open up to us." (Megz is a friend he works with at OGR.) I told her that I haven't really put any pressure on him or tried to pry things out of him, we simply juat talk. Last night I asked him why he wants me, and he said "Because you're sweet and funny and you make me a better person when I'm talking to you." Awwwww.

That's all, I will totally keep you all updated, do not fear.

The Time's They Are A-Changin'

Well, as you all know, Poke left me, yet again. I suppose it's partly my fault for trusting him again, and believing him when he said he had changed/grown/found me to be the one he'd be with forever. But people are selfish and people run, so what can I do? He wanted it all, I gave it to him, but it just wasn't enough. But I digress.

School is going just awesome for me, I'm going to be a big time chef sooner than we all realize. I plan on doing my externship in Boston if I can get hooked up with a place there. Being single is now the best feeling in the world. Sure, I miss having someone to talk to and someone to share my accomplishments with, but knowing that I have NO ONE and NOTHING holding me back is absolutely wonderful. Imagine if I had stayed with him till the end of time - it probably would have turned out like my marriage, with me bringing home all the bacon and him sitting on his ass drinking and working a shit hole job, or maybe eventually, not even having one at all. So FUCK THAT and I rule.

Someday I'll be chowing down on fresh-from-Japan Kobe beef while he sits in his mom's apartment jacking off to clown porn and eating a rallyburger. GO ME!

(i) get lost

**Click Play on the Video First**

I'm sorry.
Why should I say I'm sorry?
If I hurt you,
You know you've hurt me too.

But you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing I can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

You're angry.
Why shouldn't you be angry?
With what we've been through,
Well I get angry too.

But you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing I can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

'Cause I am nothing without you.

Why should we have taken so long
To be looking inside of our mind?
Everything we tried went wrong.
Are we worried 'bout what we might find?

I'm sorry,
But can I say I'm sorry?
If I hurt you,
You know it hurts me too.

But you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing I can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

And you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing we can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

'Cause I am nothing without you.
And I am nothing without you.
'Cause I am nothing without you.
'Cause I am nothing without you.

Three times the curse

Well fuck. I'm done.

"Zzyzx Rd."

I don't know how else to put this
It's taken me so long to do this
I'm falling asleep and I can't see straight
My muscles feel like a melee
My body's curled in a U-shape
I put on my best but I'm still afraid

Propped up by lies and promises
Saving my place as life forgets
Maybe its time I saw the world

I'm only here for a while
But patience is not my style
And I'm so tired that I gotta go

What am I supposed to hide now?
What am I suppose to do?
Did you really think I wouldn't see this through

Tell me I should stick around for you
Tell me I could have it all
I'm still too tired to care and I gotta go

I get to go home in one week
But I leaving home in three weeks
They throw me a bone just to pick me dry

I'm following suit and directions
I crawl up inside for protection
I'm told what to do and I don't know why

I'm over existing in limbo
I'm over the myths and placebos
I don't really mind if I just fade away

I'm ready to live with my family
I'm ready to die in obscurity
'Cause I'm so tired that I gotta go

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I suppose to do?
You still don't think I'm going see this through

Tell me I'm a part of history
Tell me I can have it all
I'm still to tired to care and I gotta go

Oh yeah
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Still too tired to care and I gotta go
Still too tired to care and I gotta go
Still too tired to care and I gotta go

Yeah, yeah

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

Go home

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

Yeah yeah

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

12 hours from now

...I'll be done with my first class of the new term. But for now, I can't FUCKING SLEEP. Grrr.



I'm not "nervous" or "excited" or "anxious" or whatever you wanna call it. I guess the word is "restless". I get so... restless... that I can't sleep. It happens every time something is going to happen the next day - interview, school, going to work after three days off, the Tuesday before my period (it usually comes on Wednesdays, lol), my birthday, ANYTHING. I just get all fucked up inside but I don't feel fucked up, and I just can't sleep. It's ridiculous. I get this weird little ache in my lower back, I lose my appetite, I get irritated easily. So strange. And as far as I can tell, there is nothing I can do about it. Damn.

More beer. Then "sleep", or, should I say, "laying in bed til the alarm goes off".

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