(i) get lost

**Click Play on the Video First**

I'm sorry.
Why should I say I'm sorry?
If I hurt you,
You know you've hurt me too.

But you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing I can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

You're angry.
Why shouldn't you be angry?
With what we've been through,
Well I get angry too.

But you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing I can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

'Cause I am nothing without you.

Why should we have taken so long
To be looking inside of our mind?
Everything we tried went wrong.
Are we worried 'bout what we might find?

I'm sorry,
But can I say I'm sorry?
If I hurt you,
You know it hurts me too.

But you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing I can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

And you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing we can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

'Cause I am nothing without you.
And I am nothing without you.
'Cause I am nothing without you.
'Cause I am nothing without you.

Three times the curse

Well fuck. I'm done.

"Zzyzx Rd."

I don't know how else to put this
It's taken me so long to do this
I'm falling asleep and I can't see straight
My muscles feel like a melee
My body's curled in a U-shape
I put on my best but I'm still afraid

Propped up by lies and promises
Saving my place as life forgets
Maybe its time I saw the world

I'm only here for a while
But patience is not my style
And I'm so tired that I gotta go

What am I supposed to hide now?
What am I suppose to do?
Did you really think I wouldn't see this through

Tell me I should stick around for you
Tell me I could have it all
I'm still too tired to care and I gotta go

I get to go home in one week
But I leaving home in three weeks
They throw me a bone just to pick me dry

I'm following suit and directions
I crawl up inside for protection
I'm told what to do and I don't know why

I'm over existing in limbo
I'm over the myths and placebos
I don't really mind if I just fade away

I'm ready to live with my family
I'm ready to die in obscurity
'Cause I'm so tired that I gotta go

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I suppose to do?
You still don't think I'm going see this through

Tell me I'm a part of history
Tell me I can have it all
I'm still to tired to care and I gotta go

Oh yeah
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Still too tired to care and I gotta go
Still too tired to care and I gotta go
Still too tired to care and I gotta go

Yeah, yeah

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

Go home

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

Yeah yeah

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

12 hours from now

...I'll be done with my first class of the new term. But for now, I can't FUCKING SLEEP. Grrr.



I'm not "nervous" or "excited" or "anxious" or whatever you wanna call it. I guess the word is "restless". I get so... restless... that I can't sleep. It happens every time something is going to happen the next day - interview, school, going to work after three days off, the Tuesday before my period (it usually comes on Wednesdays, lol), my birthday, ANYTHING. I just get all fucked up inside but I don't feel fucked up, and I just can't sleep. It's ridiculous. I get this weird little ache in my lower back, I lose my appetite, I get irritated easily. So strange. And as far as I can tell, there is nothing I can do about it. Damn.

More beer. Then "sleep", or, should I say, "laying in bed til the alarm goes off".

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Going on Year Three

Me and Poke on New Year's Eve

Well it'll be three years at the end of this month since I started this blog. I was reading some old posts and I'm just amazed at how things have changed. I'm not as angry as I used to be, there is a lot less drama in my life, and one thing has stayed the same: I'm constantly broke. Lame!

So, let's talk about the last week or so. After Christmas I worked a few days at the DQ, there was no snow anywhere, and things were going just fine. This past Sunday Poke and I spent a wonderful day together doing grownup things - first we went to Penn Station for lunch after I picked him up (it was gross but I think it's just that restaurant cuz it sucked both times I went there), then we tried to go to Revol to get a new battery for his phone but they were closed, then we headed to Easton to exchange the ring I got him for Christmas for a bigger size. I must stop here and says Jesus Mary and Joseph where the HELL did all these people come from?! Granted, I tend to stay away from any kind of public forum during the holiday season, and elected to get all my shopping done on the one day when there was a major snowfall and most schools were closed, at 11:30am on a Tuesday morning when nobody, and I do mean NOBODY but employees were at the mall. Needless to say, I was sure surprised when we got into the mall (after spending oh, about 15 minutes looking for a parking spot) and it was packed! What the heck!? But I digress. After the mall excursion, we headed over to Giant Eagle to get my prescription and to grocery shop for Poke's mom. I benefited by acquiring some cat litter, yay. We dropped off the groceries in a sneaky type-fashion, and then headed off to Marcus Crosswoods to see I Am Legend. I had originally wanted to surprise him with seeing No Country for Old Men, but it wasn't playing for another 3 hours. I Am Legend was a freakin' awesome movie, and I am not even going to say a word about it because every mother fucker in the WORLD needs to see this movie, oh. my. god. After the movie I dropped him off so he could get his car, then we chilled here, had some dinner (tasty but diarrhea causing Banquet Homestyle Bake!) watched a bunch of crap on TV and also watched a good show, The Tribal Life, on TLC or Travel or something. Good Times.

Monday Poke had to work so I laid around the house all day, did a little bit of laundry, but mostly napped on and off. I felt like an invalid! Seriously. Anyway, we were supposed to go to this place called Level One Lounge that is across from my parents' house, but of course Poke abandoned all plans as usual. I actually got to spend some time at his house with Poke's brother and his (girl)friend (strange) because their mom was at the zoo. Around 7:45pm though I started panicking because nobody knew when she had actually left, so nobody knew when she would be home. We headed over towards the Sawmill area, cuz that's where everyone wanted to be at, and decided to eat at Sunflower. The food there was really good, I mean you pretty much can't go wrong with Chinese food, but the service was terrible. Not even like, oh she can't speak English terrible, but just rude waitress terrible. Oh well. After that we drove around looking for Average Joe's because apparently that's where everyone wanted to go. Bah. We drove up and down Sawmill looking for it, I tried calling my parents and my brother to find out if they knew where Hoggy's was since it was next to the bar, and nobody was answering. Finally JWW figured out where it was, called us, and we got there in one piece. Of course we had to wait like 20 minutes for everyone else to show up, but whatever. We started out sitting at the bar, and I was getting really kinda irritated because JWW and his girl and their friend and D*Martin (yes he came with them!) were all talking and Poke and I were kind alienated. I saw a table open up behind us and I made everyone move over there, and finally it was a fun night.

JWW's girl's friend and D*Martin

JWW's girl!

JWW and his girlfriend

Me and Poke

JWW

Poke showin' off his new ring!

Me!

JWW and his girl, just after midnight...

Around 1:00am on 01/01/08 we left the bar and headed towards my parents' house. We stopped at another bar on the way there to get a six pack, and drank that while we laid on the pull-out sofa bed in their living room and watched The South Park Movie. I woke up to my mom calling me from Target to ask if a brown firescreen was OK. I said it was. They had already been to church and breakfast and some other stores. It was only 11:something am! I was sore as a goat because the pull-out is so ridiculously uncomfortable and basically like sleeping on a blanket covering three metal bars. Poke said it was better than my bed. I almost kicked him but I couldn't move because of all the pain. We laid around their house all day, watched American Hustle (which Poke actually enjoyed hahahaha I knew he would), then my mom made pork and sauerkraut and it was good and Poke didn't like it (I will admit the pork was dry and Poke is a gravy lovin' kinda guy) and we ate a lot of crescent rolls. Then we were going to hang out for a little while but my mom was bitching about how we just laid around all day and didn't do anything and said something about how she can't watch her TV til we leave (there are 3 or 4 TVs in the house by the way) and my dad was like "yeah HINT" so we left right then and there.

Shitty shitty weather awaited us outside. It wasn't too horrific, but the snow was blowing all over the road and made it hard to see if it was icy or not. We had planned to go see No Country for Old Men, so that's what we did, and damn that movie is so fucked up. I mean, even if I was a person who never swore or cursed in my entire life, I would have no other description than "fucked up" to describe it. It takes place in 1980, it's kind of a western, it's totally indescribable. I liked it. When we came out of the movie theatre, even shittier weather awaited us. I decided to take 270 home because I figured it would be clearer since there was more traffic on there than the regular roads. Yeah well that was a great plan until this asshole excursion van started tailing me and I started freaking out because they wouldn't pass me, then they finally did and as I was finally calming down a godforsaken semi truck roared past me and sprayed my windshield with crap and i couldn't see shit and I was freaking out even more so I just got off on 23 and took 161 all the way home. It was bullshit. We sat on the couch and watched SVU and finished off the wee bit of alcohol that was still left in the house.

In the morning there were schools and businesses closed and everything. I kept trying to call DQ to see if they wanted me to come in, but nobody answered. I had to take Poke home anyway, so I just got dressed and decided to work. We left the house at 9:30am, got to his place at 10:00 am (a normally 10 minute drive) and I got on 270 by his place and was delighted to see that it was nice and dry and clear so I ended up being only 6 minutes late for work. Work was alright yesterday, sometimes I get really frustrated because my boss (whom I've known for 10+ yrs) likes to make fun of me and put me down and all that, and seeing as I have like no self-confidence at all, it kinda pisses me off. Add his cunt wife to the mix and sometimes work is almost unbearable. But whatever. She snapped at me yesterday and I snapped right back and that's just the way it's going to be until the end of time or I find another job. I applied at a couple restaurants today so hopefully it will be the latter!

After work I got some Chinese food (I have phases where I really don't want to eat anything else, it's weird) and chilled out by myself. Took a little nap, watched mindless TV, drank some beers and settled in for my two favorite shows, WifeSwap and SuperNanny. They were great episodes last night, and there was even a bonus SuperNanny! WOOT! I cleaned the bathroom on commercials, and made a plan to clean today. Oh, I also discovered something last night - although I hate midgets, I have no problem with primordial dwarfs. Very interesting. I was watching some show last night on them too.

I've been up since 9:41am, and it's only 1:00pm. I haven't eaten anything but I'm only now starting to get hungry. I guess I'll have leftover Chinese and probably a quesadilla. I have to remind Poke to bring some meat (hehe) tonight so I can make dinner for us. I'm trying to plan a romantic evening in this wonderful clean new house but I suck at that shit so we'll see how it goes.

The End.

PS - Here is a pic of my new fireplace screen! It's to keep the cats out of the damn fireplace, those monsters...

Coucon

So Christmas was fine. Last night my parents and I went to church and that was okay. The priest made me nervous cuz he was all over the place and talking so fast and randomly singing Christmas songs... but at least he wasn't stodgy. SJK didn't go with us because he decided to go later with his stupid slut girlfriend, NL. I really really don't like her. She's rude. But I digress. After church we went to McDonald's and got some food (gross) and when we got back to my parents' house Poke was waiting outside in the car because 1) he didn't bother to knock on the door and 2) when I had talked to SJK asking what he wanted from McD's, I told him to please look and see if Poke was out there waiting, and of course he saw him out there but refused to go to the car and tell him to come in. SJK pretty much irritated me this whole holiday. But anyway. SJK left after eating with us, and so for the next three hours it was just my parents and us. My mom and I made muffins and coucon, well I did and she helped! LOL. Poke and my dad watched wrestling til we were done and then we watched this Lifetime movie that was very good. SJK finally got home around 12:30am and then we opened some presents. Poke got me a pair of amthyst earrings that blow the pair SL got me 2 yrs ago right off the map. They are SO beautiful! I got him a Build-a-Bear teddy bear named Trevor and a ring. My parents got him some socks. =) I got SJK 2 t-shirts which he surprisingly loved, and some awesome Omaha Steakhouse top sirloins for my parents. SJK got me a Simpson's t-shirt.
Poke had said he was going to stay overnight, but then changed his mind when he realized he might have to be there when everyone wakes up to open gifts. He didn't want to have to explain anything in the morning to his &*(^^#* mom. Needless to say I was very very sad about this, because I haven't seen him since Saturday morning. So we sat and talked awhile after everyone went to bed. It was alright.
In the morning I woke up so freakin' early, even though I had fallen asleep at like three am. I called SJK on his cell around 10am so that we could open our presents. I rec'd the following:

• bed sheets
• flat iron
• framed photo of SJK's senior picture
• jelly beans
• shampoo/conditioner
• blanket
• socks
• kitschy toilet-shaped candle
• magnet
• keychain w/orange cone on it that lights up

I was also supposed to get some awesome Bistro Crocs but *sniff* the stores were out so they are on backorder. Hopefully they will arrive in a week or so. Also I was supposed to get a screen for the fireplace, but my mom wanted to wait til the after Christmas sales are on, so... yeah. Soon I will be getting more gifts. Oh and I got Chapstick.
We got dressed and stuff and then my Aunt SK and Uncle BK arrived at close to one. We talked to them for a little bit, then SJK and I watched "American Hustle" with Katt Williams. It was HILARIOUS. I almost puked I was laughing so hard. Then was dinner, ham, mac'n'cheese, green bean casserole, and bread. My mom only made 1/3 of what she usually makes for some reason. Probably cuz of all this bullshit my brother has gotten them into, but more on that later. Then we relaxed, opened gifts from Aunt/Uncle, I got $50 total in cash. That is very nice to have!!! All in all, a fair Christmas. I'm not all that upset for not getting a ton of stuff like I usually do because my parents have done way more for me during the year this year than any other year, plus my GMaP's extra funeral/etc expenses, SJK's bull, and everything else.

So, SJK's crap first. He got arrested for underage drinking and now my parents are in trouble cuz it was at their house. The end.

Now, why Poke's mom hates me. This may have been mentioned before but what the fuck I'll tell you again anyway. When we broke up the first time, I was so angry and seeing red over everything. I wanted to hurt him as much as he had hurt me, so I sent an email on MySpace to some of the girls on his list (oh, I think it was only about 7) and one of them, unfortunately, was his sister. Since I had never met her, I had no way of knowing it was her. All I knew was she had Poke as her #1 friend - by the way, they look absolutely nothing alike. Anyway. She snapped back at me and I defended myself, she snapped back again and I defend again, and then she snapped back one more time and I decided to not even waste my time with this dumb fucking bitch. Well she goes and tells Poke's mom EVERYTHING. Needless to say, he forgave me anyway and we got back together. When we were together the 2nd time, I stopped by his house to pick something up. His mom happened to come home while I was there, and instead of being considerate or normal and waiting until I left, she called Poke upstairs while I was sitting there and proceeded to yell at him about what a terrible person I was/am. Then as you know, we broke up again, and as he was leaving he said to me "You know my mother was right, you are crazy and unstable." so of course that made me hate her even more. As the story goes, we got back together AGAIN (and have been together since then, thank you!) and he constantly has to evade the truth so that she doesn't find out. He's worried that she'll give him an ultimatum, such as "break up with her or you're out" which he will choose me, but then he doesn't want to have to go crawling back if something should happen down the line (doubt it but you never know.) Also he and I would never ever be able to make it on our own. Right now he has practically no bills and no rent or anything. I have tons. he makes enough to get himself by plus special things for me, but there is no way we could live. He wants to get his CDL but keeps making excuses, and that's pretty much the only we fight over. As I mentioned, on Thanksgiving he tried to tell his sister about us, but she's so blind and/or ignorant that she can't even grasp what he and I have. Everyone who has even HEARD me talk about him knows that I worship the ground he walks on. I always have. But apparently that's not good enough, because all she has to say about me is that I'm psycho. Doesn't matter that I'm bettering myself (at a "cracker jack school" according to her) or that we've been together all this time and we're so happy (but I'm psycho...) It's very frustrating. So that's that.

Merry Fucking Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Survey from GG

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Depends on the gift.

2. Real tree or artificial? In my dreams, real. But because of my monster kittens, artificial.

3. When do you put up the tree? If it's real about 2 wks before Christmas. I've never had an artificial one.

4. When do you take the tree down? 2nd week of January.

5. Do you like eggnog? Delicious.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Anything Barbie.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Not at my house, but I'm gonna try and con my mom out of the one she has!

8. Hardest person to buy for? SJK.

9. Easiest person to buy for? Cats.

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? My husband bought me a skirt/pants/shirt that all matched and they were ugly as sin... I never wore them.

11. Mail or email Christmas cards? Both!

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Anything related to "A Christmas Carol" and also "A Christmas Story."

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? ASAP.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No. That's crappy.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Green Bean Casserole

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear on the tree, colored on the windows.

17. Favorite Christmas song? "Let it Snow" and "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" and "The Little Drummer Boy"

18. Stay home or travel for Christmas? Home to my parents' house, which is like 20 minutes away.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen. Plus Rudolph!!

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Angel

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? One on Christmas eve, the rest on Christmas morning.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Those people that sit in front of stores ringing the bells. - I agree with GG!

Hi there.

Let it snow!

As usual people are being stupid and freaking out. There is probably 2-3" (5-7.5cm!) of snow on the ground, and it will all be melted off the road by noon, I'm sure, when it's time for moi to go to school. The trucks were already out dumping brine on Thanksgiving. City was actually prepared this time! But I digress. People are stupid. Unfortunately I fall into this category because I lost my scraper and have to get a new one... after letting my car warm up so the stupid snow can melt off... which will take like 20 min... also I need washer fluid. So yeah, I'm less prepared than the City. Hahaha.

School is going great. There is this one girl that I just can't stand. Everything to her is a competition, and at this point in the game, that's totally unnecessary. When we're seniors and it's me vs her for a job, then it can be competition. Right now is learning time. Everything I do is wrong, or I got the right answer but in the wrong way, or so forth. If she does anything wrong, it's not her fault. She insists on being in charge of everything all the time. At this point, I'm just like wtf Ever. I'm letting it get to me now and I'll just bitch and moan for a bit until I get it out of my system. She really is a nice girl, but goddam I wish she'd shut her trap. She is always talking back to the Chefs too, which is just beyond me how someone could actually smart off to a college (or any for that matter) teacher. Other than her annoying the crap out of me, school rules. I have 120+/100 pts in math (beyond an A+!!) and I got a 98.3% on my midterm, I'm pretty sure I have an A+ in ServSafe, which is safety and sanitation, because I have aced every single test, even got 100% on my midterm!, and as for Cooking, I'm sure I have an A in that too. I got an 81% on my written test in cooking lab, because i mixed up all the lengths of cuts of vegetables. So ghey. But I got 14/15 on my practical (cooking snow peas!) so that rules. At the lowest I have a B+ I'd say, just because we've only had 3 tests. There is one on Monday though. But I should ace it - stupid sandwiches. Although I did lose it over a grilled ham and swiss last week, hahahahha. I dunno what happened btwn my brain and my hands but I tried to flip the damn thing over and it just all slid apart and then this boy was trying to help me and then I was crying and it was sooooooo lame. But I was fine after that. LOL.

I had kinda forgotten abt J1&J2 since it's been over a year since I saw them or even talked to them, til GMc reminded me in a letter about them. I did remember that they moved to Lancaster tho. I guess things weren't going so well with J2's job as a apainter. That's pretty much the story all over this crappy country, esp in the midwest. Everything is so grim. I'm glad I'm going to college and getting a swell trade to work in so that I can pretty much go anywhere in the world, within reason, and get a good job. I'm really looking forward to moving to Massachusettes in abt 5-7 yrs. That is my "long term plan" or whatever they call it.

I woke up at 6am to check the news because all the Chefs were like "we might be closed tomorrow check the closings!" and we are NOT closed and now I'm kinda angry that I missed out on 3 hrs of sleep. Once I wake up it's so hard to go back to sleep, esp when I know I have to wake up a little earlier because it will take me longer to get there and also I have to go to CVS and buy a scraper. LOL. And to the bank because I FINALLY GOT MY STUDENT LOAN CHECK WOOOOOOOOO! $2,833 to be exact, not enough to pay every single bill but close enough. I'm only short about $400 a month, and working at DQ covers that plus extra. My life, it seems, may finally be back on track. I hope.

I was telling GMC that I still have this blog, but I don't update every day like I used to. Sometimes it's only once a week. There is practically no drama in my life anymore, so I really have nothing to talk about! Hahahahaha. I suppose I could talk about the good things. Perhaps I should.

Well I guess I'm gonna go try to sleep for like, an hour and a half now... My poor cats are starving to death over here, someone forgot to tell me we are out of cat food... I think I will give them an egg.

Meh.

Family is ok. Thanksgiving is good. School rules. Poke is awesome. Blah blah blah no news is good news, right?

PS - Poke actually tried to tell his sister about us being together and she wouldn't listen to him. Like mother like daughter I suppose... At least he put forth the effort, that makes me happy.

I wish I had money so I could have friends

I am having so many mental problems right now. So many. I'm upset over practically everything, and I don't like feeling that way. I'm upset because the stupid financial plan I had for school has to change and I have to work five days a week just to pay my bills because the student loans aren't enough. I'm upset because I have all these supposed friends who never call me, never invite me out, etc. I'm upset because my boyfriend is still friendly with girls he used to fuck. I'm upset because my mom isn't being very supportive or understanding about my current situation. I'm upset because I can't even afford to go out and have a good time, if anyone would happen to call me and invite me to do so. I'm upset because my boyfriend goes out and has fun without me while I'm at home miserable and doesn't really seem to care. I'm upset because my boyfriend won't tell his mom that we're dating.

I wish that for once in my fucking life things would go right. I wish I could just not care about who Poke talks to. I wish I could not care about his mother. I wish someone would call me and be like "hey, wanna come over?" I wish I could talk to my mom without being lectured about every fucking thing I've ever done wrong.

I feel so alone right now. I'm so sad.

Fuck the Government!

Yeah, ok. I'm pissed. Everything was going along swimmingly, I've been a little short on cash, but that's ok, cuz my student signature loan is going to be here on Tuesday, right?

Oh no, WRONG. So wrong.

No, apparently they want to make sure I'm going to be a student for 30 days before they'll disburse my check to the school who then disburses it to me. So as of today, I'm facing eviction and my electric will be shut off on the 15th.

Anyone feel like lending me $1200.00? I'll pay you back at the middle December...

Priceless

1 Big Mac - $3.09
1 pack of Index Cards - $0.79
1 12 pack of Beast Ice - $5.49
(tax) - $0.42

Having a swell boyfriend who buys all these random things for me - Priceless.

I don't have a clever title for this post.

The first week of school was great. We're already on Chapter 7 in Kitchen Lab (Basic Kitchen skills) and I learned how to do some cuts like julienne and bernoise and other fancy French words. Culinary Math is ok, I'm doing better than I thought I would but my homework last night was kinda difficult... I'll probably get it eventually. ServSafe is my other class, I have 3 classes a day, and it's pretty good too. Gross, but oh well. I'll be certified in December after I pass the test. I made a couple of friends, AT and EM, a girl and a boy, they are pretty nice. Everyone at school is great really. I'm happy that I'm not the oldest person in my classes! That's what I was really worried about. All in all, I'm a super happy girl.

The Biggest Shock of 2007

My luck *may* have actually changed.

Thanks to my mom's good credit, I finally got approved for the student loan that I needed to go to school. WOO HOO!

I'm no longer the saddest girl in the world.

The Only Thing That's Real

I haven't been this depressed in years. I may have written before about being sad or miserable, but I am really truly depressed at this moment. I didn't get approved for the student loan to help with extra finances, so now I can't go to school. There is no way I can pay my bills just working at DQ, so I've applied for a waitressing job at this restaurant down the street. Why does this shit happen to me? What the fuck have I ever done? I'm so embarassed too because I told everyone that I was going to Culinary School and now I'm just stuck at the DQ praying to god or whomever that I can get my shit together. I have to get poverty assistance to pay my utilities, well, I should say I have to try because I probably make too much money to qualify for any aid.



If you have no place to live and nothing to live for, what's the point of being alive? I'm in so much emotional pain right now. I've never felt like this before. 2007 has been the worst year of my entire life. Every time something shitty happened, I would say "Ok. That's it. There is nothing shittier than this." and then something WAY shittier would happen. Like getting laid off and then GMaP dying.

Jesus Christ, when will it end?

I'm Alive, It's Okay!

We're gonna do this by labels since I have so much shit to cover, LOL!

Banking: I have no money!

Bishop: I'm kinda sad because I haven't been seeing much of Bishop. I miss him. I see him occasionally at karaoke, but since Cat started doing Trump's on Friday's, nobody comes to Groucho's anymore! Plus he was dating one of his ex's, which didn't work out cuz she was a bitch, but now he's seeing this other chick that we know, which rules.

Could anyone not love this face?

Dreams: WOW! I've had the most fucked up dreams in the last month. I dreamt that Poke actually told his mom about us dating, dreamt that I was pregnant, dreamt that I was saving the word, there were monsters everywhere, etc. All such craziness, and now that I want to write about them, I can't seem to remember a single one. Damn.

These are the tits that save the world.

Family: Well, let's see. As you know my GMaP died on her birthday this past August. That really sucked, but she was 90 years old, so it wasn't completely unexpected. I think we really thought that when it was time for her to go, she would get super sick or something, instead of just randomly dying the way she did. I went up to Cleveland for one of SJK's football games a few weeks ago and stopped by All Saints to see her. The dirt on the grave still had no grass on it, and I was crying, and then my parents showed up which was kind of a strange coincidence. But it was ok.
That night we went to the game and we own, of course, GO EAGLES! SJK has been playing very well this year, except for the last three games, which they lost. Up until then it was an undefeated season. I just don't know what happened. Hopefully they can pull out of it though, but I doubt there is a chance for the playoffs at this point. I could be wrong though. Shit, I don't know anything about football!
So my mom has been irritating me lately, because I'm going back to college (more on that later) and instead of being cool about it and supporting me and being happy for me, she's just rubbing it in my face that I didn't go before now and basically in her eyes I've fucked up my entire life. It's very frustrating. I'm trying to be civil but sometimes it's so hard when she embarrasses me in front of the admissions person by telling her what a fuck up I am for not listening to her and going to college seven years ago. Gawd.

GO EAGLES!

Friends: Let's see. The one year anniversary of my friend Crash dying will be a week from today, on October 21st. Cat has been a little bit sadder lately, talking about him and stuff. I feel for her. I don't know what I would do if I lost Poke! I've been trying to talk to my friends more than I used to, like GG and KP and SV, cuz I rarely get to see them and shit like that. I'm not doing a very good job, but I'm making the effort. I found out that a friend of mine, MM, has gout, so I'm quite worried about her too. Good things that have happened are: J-Rod did not go back to war, RM is getting a promotion, GG went back to school and she and Ironhorse will be celebrating their two year anniversary in a few weeks, KP is moving back into town, Cat turned fifty!, BI moved in with Big Joe, Dooger is doing well, and... that's about all I can think of right now!

Kel-Bell and KP are so sexy!

Karaoke: Hadn't been going to karaoke very much because for almost all of September I had bronchitis. Stupid change of seasons. Anyway, there was another contest, and I didn't think I would get to be in it because I still had no voice when it started. Luckily this week two spots opened up at Rush Creek in the Continent and at Gordy's. I tried at Rush Creek on Tuesday, but it was awful. Some bitch who claimed to be a professional singer won, even though she fucked up singing "Purple Rain". Oh well. So I tried on Thursday at Gordy's and won, since the other three bitches couldn't sing their way out of a paper bag. If that makes sense... Anyway, this one bitch who was there competing against me caught me outside while I was smoking and she was like"So what is this, a popularity contest?" and I'm like "WTF no, I only have like 6-8 friends out there!" and she's like "Bullshit all those people in there are your friends, I know, I asked. I sang much better than you and I got more applause and I should have won!" I just changed the subject because luckily Poke came outside right at that moment. What a dumb hooker. She wasn't even good. AND! She did not get more applause than me. The whole fucking place clapped for me, so suck that you dumb cock muncher. But I digress.
The contest was yesterday at Beulah Park just like last time. They started an hour and a half late, it was so sunny that I got burnt, and the whole thing was a joke. Lady K and I should have won, and Bishop and OA should have won too (it was split into "fillys" and "stallions".) So fucking ghey. We're done now, since the whole damn thing was a big rig. Same as last year, the people who won were all friends of a judge and / or the lady who was running it. And they were all from the west side. Bullshit!!

What the fuck, mother fucker?!

Life in General: So, I am going to culinary school, yay! I sent in all my monies and shit, got my schedule, and I'm ready to go. It starts October 29th. I'm so excited. Fuck HNB! I'm so glad that I'm not working there anymore! I think that in all my years since I've graduated high school, that was probably the worst job I've ever had. It was mindless, irritating, boring as fuck, and the women I worked with, save for like 5 of them, were all gossiping old biddies who have nothing better to do than create rumours and yap all day. My old boss from high school from the DQ offered me a job I couldn't pass up , so I took that and I've been there a week. It's so awesome. When I worked at DQ in the summer, at the other one, it was awful. But this one, wow, so great. It's like I never left. I think part of the reason is that I'm not working with cunty little teenage girls, since there are only like 3 or 4 girls whole work there, and that TT (the boss) is a friend of mine, more or less, and we trust each other and I don't have to prove anything. If he says I am/do/know/etc, they listen. It's awesome. So I'll be working there until school starts, every day, and then once I'm in class I'll be working a couple nights per week plus on weekends. Good times.

Look how ugly I am when I work inside the lime green box called HNB...

OSU Football: WE'RE UNDEFEATED! WOO! And now, since California lost to Oregon, we're NUMBER ONE IN THE BIG 10!! YAY!!

Poke: Wonderful. Coming up on our one year anniversary. Even though we took some months off this year, with all that stupid crap, we decided to go ahead an celebrate it as if we hadn't broken up at any point. He's apologized and made good on his word(s) so I think it's going to be wonderful from here on out. As a matter of fact, Poke almost beat JAFH's record for most romantic thing ever when I told him I wanted this dog and he was going to buy it for me as a surprise. But I talked him out of it when he kept grilling me about the fucking thing. I was like "No no no I couldn't take care of it or train it or anything." That's when he told me he was really going to buy it. LOL!

Oktoberfest!

Work: Uh, well, see above under "Life in General". Hahaha!

I guess that's about it. Go check out my photobucket for new pics. They're all arranged pretty like and so forth. Every single album has new pics in it too, except the tattoos/piercings album because I haven't gotten any new ones... sniff...

Yep. I'm a blonde now.

I Love GMaP

My Own Double Standard

So.

I hate these bitches who are always leaving comments and emailing Poke on MySpace. It's really very irritating, and I'm not 100% sure why. I just hate it. It's not like I think he is cheating or anything or blah blah blah. Not at all. I guess I'm just so insecure in myself that I'm afraid he's going to find someone way awesomer than me and leave me for her. I don't know why I think this, he's told me time and time again that things are different this time. He's even said all this shit to his friends, like I mentioned in the post before last. I guess it will just take time to prove that he's right.

On the other hand, the guy at Taco Bell hit on me today. It was cool, made me feel all special, but it was nothing compared to when I wake up in the morning, roll over, and Poke tells me I'm pretty - pretty beautiful! Yay.

I Rule at Making Videos!