Update!

Hey folks, it has been a super busy month and a half over here.  I've been so wrapped up in doing projects that I keep forgetting to post them!  Bad Kel-Bell, no dessert for you!

Anyway, I have LOTS in store for the next few days, while Poke is off working his overtime and I'm all alone.  I'm trying to take a little break from crafting & creating, mostly because 4L's first birthday is coming up in a couple weeks and I need to be fully prepared.

Stay tuned!

PS - I forgot to tell you guys I've lost 14 pounds.  Yay me!

Happy Mother's Day! Footprint Gift

For Mother's Day this year, I made a footprint keepsake for my mom and Poke's mom.  It was free, because I had the canvases, the paint, and the little baby foot to make cute little prints with!  This is a very easy project, even if you have a squirmy baby - just enlist your partner's help!

I left the canvas white, and painted 4L's feet from heel to toe in green, yellow, and blue acrylic paints.  On the first try, we stood him up on the canvas and pushed his feet down, but that didn't give a very full foot shape.  On the second try, Poke held 4L like Superman while I pressed the canvas to his feet, one at a time.  Originally I thought I might draw a butterfly or a heart or something using the footprints, but they were so cute and simply precious on their own that I just left them.  I did paint his name and "May 2012" in green underneath the prints.  For the hanger I super glued a pop tab to the back (I've done this on ALL my canvases that are smaller than 8.5"x11", unless they were very bulky/heavy).

Just had to add a note in here that this is my 666th post. Heheheeee!

Electrolyte Pops

4L came down with a very slight case of HFM Disease, which he caught from our friend, who had caught it from daycare.  We were lucky though, because he only got a fever and a few bumps - our friend got blisters all over her whole body and was sick for almost two weeks! Poor little girl!

Here's 4L enjoying an electrolyte popsicle

Here's 4L not enjoying 102.9 degrees

Because HFM Disease causes a sore throat, 4L wasn't really interested in eating much for a few days, and he wasn't even really interested in drinking formula either.  I knew I needed to keep him hydrated, so I bought some generic electrolyte drink (Kmart Brand!) and tried to give it to him.  Unfortunately 4L is just like his mother in that he doesn't care too much for overly sugary drinks, and this stuff is way sweet.  I decided that I would figure out another way to get this liquid into his body, and the only option was in frozen form.

I took the caps from our bottles, filled them to the rim with the drink, and set some extra pacies in the caps.  Voila! Baby-sized electrolyte pops that are not only the right amount (about 1 oz) but also perfect for little hands to hold (4L is an expert paci handler). 

Overall, they were a hit.  The paci-pops were interesting enough to keep him sucking on them til they were gone, and because they were frozen I believe the flavor wasn't as intense.  4L didn't get dehydrated, the fever passed, and all was well.

Orlando, Days Three through Five

4L and I ended up not going to the beach with Trick cuz some little baby thought that sand was for eating... LOL!  My mom and I put 4L in the sandbox at the resort on Tuesday morning and he immediately started shoveling sand...into his face.  Needless to say, I decided that the beach - a giant sandbox, ya know? - was probably a poor place to take an 8.5 month old baby.

Most of the week went as follows: Wake up, eat breakfast, go to the pool, put 4L down for his nap, big lunch somewhere, back to the room for another nap, more pool, dinner, bedtime.  During the day my mom and I had planned on going to this mall where it seemed like there were all kinds of fun things to do, including a bouncy place for 4L.  Unfortunately, when we got there, the place looked abandoned.  We ended up eating at this awesome salad bar restaurant called Sweet Tomatoes, and headed back to the hotel. Wednesday night Trick picked me up around 6pm and he and I went to the Universal City Walk while my parents watched 4L.  City Walk is pretty sweet, definitely for adults only (although some miserable children were drug around by their parents), and on a Wednesday night it was fairly empty.  There are a lot of restaurants, such as Hard Rock Cafe, NASCAR, Margaritaville, etc. as well as a bunch of clubs on the upper level.  We had a Landshark at Margaritaville, a $2 (!!!) beer at the Red Coconut Club, and ended the night at Rising Star Karaoke with a glass of wine for me, a tall Coors for him, and my 3 minutes in the spotlight as I sang "Black Horse & the Cherry Tree" with a live band.  Fun times had by all!  Oh, I forgot - we ate dinner at Del Taco.  Yummmmmmm.  It's like Taco Bell, but just different - like McD's vs BK, ya know?

Thursday was much of the same, only this time we headed out not knowing where we'd end up.  All I knew was that Trick had shown me how to get to that same mall on a much more scenic route which was lined with a plethora of restaurants (and bars and shops etc).  We ate at a place called Brick House, which was delicious.  Thursday night my mom & dad went out to play mini-golf while 4L and I stayed in the room.  I ordered pizza from a place called Flippers, and it was AMAZING. OMFG.  You know how pizza looks in the cartoons?  Well that's how this pizza looked.  You know how cartoon pizza looks sooooo delicious?  Well that's how this pizza tasted.  It was freakin' unbelievable.  They had a special of large one topping plus breadsticks, and the breadsticks were just as awesome.  They were clearly handmade (I could tell by their weird, phallic, unconventional shapes) and literally swimming in a delicious olive oil/garlic/Parmesan pool. *drool*

Friday we had to check out by 11am, even though my dad would be in class til 5pm, so while my mom slept in, 4L and I hit up the indoor pool (it was a wee chilly for swimming at 9am!).  When we went back to the room, the baby napped while my mom and I finished packing up.  Finally around 11:30am, the van was completely loaded and we were on our way back to Downtown Disney.  Before going there, we stopped at CVS to get me some ear drops cuz I had water in my left ear from like two days ago. (Unfortunately it's now five days later and I can't hear shit from my left ear.  I'm pretty sure I ruptured my eardrum trying to get the water out. Boo.)  Lucky for me, the same road that the CVS was on was the road where Eli's Orange World is!  We went in and I found a perfect sticker for the van*, bought some awesome Ruby Red Grapefruit, and ladies swooned over 4L, who ate some of that grapefruit and loved it.

Because we are Catholic and it was Friday, for lunch we went to Fulton's at Downtown Disney.  It's a swell place inside a riverboat on the lake. My po-boy sandwich was awesome, but my mom was disappointed in her fish'n'chips meal cuz it only came with one piece of fish - I had to agree, there should have been at least two, even though it was a pretty good sized filet.  After lunch 4L and I rode on the little train, we walked around, and then I got 4L his first (good) caricature (I had one done once before but it didn't even resemble him a little bit!) which was done to make him look like a really cute little Disney baby.  PRECIOUS!  He needed a change and a nap, so we headed back toward the van.  On the way out I wanted my mom to take a picture of him & me by this waterfall/dinosaur, and that's when all hell broke loose.

And that's all I'm going to say about that.  The ride back was hell.

But overall, the trip was great.

Orlando Day Two

Last night I was asleep by 8pm and slept til 9am, only waking up for an hour from 2-3am to take care of the baby.  My mom had to chide me for waking up late, despite the fact that I had driven 19 hours from Ohio to Florida and only took an hour nap in the middle. I tried to brush it off. I fed 4L, put my suit on, ate breakfast and got him ready for the pool.  The whole time she's just criticizing everything I'm doing, have done, etc. Finally I'm like "can you stop?" and she says she's just teasing. Grrr. If someone said all that shit to her she'd throw a fit. So whatever, I'm used to it, we went to the pool.
4L LOVES THE WATER! Last night was his first time in a pool, and though he was leery, he was "jumping" forward in the kiddie pool and going under ON PURPOSE. Today we floated him around in this baby raft I got (at a garage sale for $1!).
After the pool he had to nap so mom stayed down there and we came back to the room. I tried to get 4L to nap in a lounge chair but he was too interested in everything else! After the nap we went to Downtown Disney and had lunch at the Rainforest Cafe. 4L was a little scared of it at first, cuz the almost life-size elephants move and make noise, plus the whole place goes dark and stormy like a rainforest lightning storm. Once we were done with lunch we walked around and looked in the shops, my mom watched a high school chorus sing for awhile, and at the end we shared an ice cream sundae from Ghirardelli- even my baby had some!
We all tried to nap when we got home but 4L wasn't interested in that so we fed him and then went back to the pool. My dad met us down there but didn't get in; he took pictures. We got dinner from the food court& headed back to the room. 4L ate a few fries, got in his jammies and fell right to sleep. Thursday we're going to the beach with my friend Trick while my mom stays here. Today wasn't bad, it just started rough and ended rough.

Orlando Day One

So we get to the resort and it's a total clusterfuck. There is no lane for drop off only lanes for valet and taxis. They forced me to park in a valet lane & i wait for my mom to check in. It feels like we're driving all the way back to south carolina just to find our room at the back of the hotel. The room costs 200 dollars per night but it's no bigger than any regular hotel room. The website said there were 6 pools but there are actually only 4. It's supposed to be family friendly, but when 4L is having a meltdown in the restaurant, nobody is friendly and I have to leave to take him to the room. My mom brings my food up to me and it is ice cold and not everything I ordered. So far I'm very unimpressed and quite irritated... 4L did have fun his first time ever in a swimming pool!

Homemade Teething Biscuits

These aren't too bad, they taste a little bland so if you want to add vanilla, I would suggest doing so!  I added cinnamon but it wasn't enough flavor.

Recipe:

1 cup baby cereal (I used whole wheat)

1 cup flour

1 cup juice or water (I used half apple juice, half water)

Spray your baking sheet before you start!  Then, spray your hands.  It's easier than using a spoon.

Combine ingredients; Mix will be sticky. Roll into balls and flatten into cookie-type shapes.  Bake at 425 for one hour or until the outside is "hard".  

These biscuits are kinda weird in that they are tough on the outside but almost hollow on the inside.  This means that Little Miss or Mister can chomp away and they won't break apart or mush up (until after a really long while) and it prevents Baby from choking.

Ready to Bake

About halfway done

Finished Product

They'll stay fresh for seven days - after that, toss 'em to the birds!

Note the semi-hollow inside

What is this?!

Yeah, OK, it's pretty good.

Nom-nom-nom

It's a Small World After All

...but it's also an expensive and scary world, after all!

So, with Poke's large tax refund, we are going to take a vacation.  In the 6.5 yrs he & I have been together, we have not taken any vacations other than two days at Cedar Point in 2008.  This year we have the time, the money, and the togetherness to do it!  Finally!

I was looking at Disney vacations and extended an invitation to the grandparents to join us.  My friends, however, made a good point - 4L might get scared of the characters!  I can definitely see that happening, because he is often terrified of his own shadow - okay, maybe he's not that much of a scaredy cat, but he does get very very nervous (to the point where he starts yelling) around large groups of people.  Perhaps I should plan a Disney vacation for year 5 and not year 1.

That all being said, I think we are still going to head to Disney.  They have some really awesome resorts there, and we don't have to buy any tickets to the park, or we can buy one ticket for one day.  It might be nice to leave 4L in the baby room and go play with Poke at Disney World!  Of course I can just imagine feeling horribly guilty leaving him... but then again, maybe not.  Who knows?!  Definitely have to think about this.  Luckily the Disney vacations website has a sweet planning tool, where you can choose your style (basic - luxurious, dining plans, etc) and budget and they will give you all the options that fit.  Then, once you have those options, you can tweak it to match your exact needs.

If you have any suggestions on baby-friendly resorts, I would love to hear them!

Happy Birthday, Abie Baby...

Since it's 1:52am, it's technically Presidents' Day.  Abraham Lincoln's birthday was seven days ago and George Washington's was eight, but whatever.

This, along with the current election shit that's already hitting the fan, makes me wonder what our founding fathers would think of the government these days.  Yes, I know Lincoln was not a founding father.

There have always been "sides", cliques, parties, whatever, since the dawn of time.  Sometimes a girl like me, however, just doesn't know where she belongs!  The liberals piss me off because, as the sayings go, they don't want to get jobs/use facts/allow babies to be born/etc.  The extreme right, on the other hand, pisses me off because they insist on putting God into everything, perpetuating an ancient caste system that should have never occurred in America, and having a tendency to skew things into what they want it to be.  

What I really want to be is a Socialist.  I truly believe that if everyone actually had to work for the irrefragable greater good, they might fucking do it.  There is too much distance between the rich and the poor, and us middle class people are the ones suffering.  How can the middle class be determined by $15k-$250k per year?!  If Poke made $250k per year, I'd be wearing diamonds in my pussy and 4L would have gold-plated diapers.  We live off of $27k, and barely make it.  Thanks to WIC, we don't have to buy food for 4L, but that is only 1/3 of our monthly grocery bill.  What are we supposed to do when he starts eating real food, and more of it?  Currently we get 32 jars of baby food in a month, and he eats 2/day - that's clearly not enough.  I have to supplement with actual food, which is fine because I want him to eat what I cook and get used to it, but there are some things that aren't nutritionally sound for a 7 month old!  We don't qualify for any other kind of aid, and even though I have no job and no income at all, I don't qualify for any kind of Medicare/Medicaid.  It's BULL.  Meanwhile there are people out there buying alcohol, cigarettes, and all kinds of fried fucking chicken with their goddamn EBT cards.  

Not.Fair.

But I digress.

I have a friend who is a conspiracy theorist (a real one, not the speculative kind like Poke used to be), and a friend who is a die-hard liberal.  I don't have too many straight-up conservative friends, although one comes pretty close.  I respect all of their opinions, I don't always agree, but sometimes I just can't understand.  It seems like the folks who are set squarely into one of these groups (whatever group they choose) always has to run screaming into the conversation, blasting those who disagree or are different, and stating reasons why their group is the only/best group.  It's fucking ridiculous!

To me, some things just aren't important enough to be a true political affair - women changing their last name, light bulbs, living on the moon.  Then, there are the things that are important - abortion, taxes, health care... that's where I get all stretched out.  I can sum up my feelings in three neat bullets:

• Abortion = Murder
• Taxes should be lower for me (and those who make less than me), and higher for those who make more than me.
• Health care should be publicly funded (See: France)

I guess that's it for today.  Here's a video for you, in honor of Presidents' Day!

*Does not connotate affiliation with the modern Tea Party

Fat vs Thin vs Bottle vs Breast vs ...?...

There's a lot of speculation out there about feeding a baby too soon, with a spoon, and feeding it rice/oatmeal/etc.  They say it causes obesity and diabetes, but where are they getting this information?  IF they are getting it from looking at our generation, and even our parents' generation, it doesn't correlate.  We're obese/diabetic because of our current lifestyles, not because of what we ate 30+ years ago! Genetics does play a role; as I've said before, my brother and I were fed exactly the same way as babies and yet he turned out slim & fit whereas I'm morbidly obese.  His parents were small and thin, my parents were average and stocky. 

I even read an article just now about a "study" they did on 92 spoon-fed babies vs 63 breast-fed babies.  10 of the spoon babies were overweight, and 9 of the breast babies were overweight.  First of all, they clearly stated that all the children were within a "normal healthy" weight range - so these "overweight" children were probably just the top 10 and top 9 of their groups.  Second, 10 out of 92 (10.87%) is significantly less than 9 out of 63 (14.24%), which to ME would indicate that the breast-fed children were actually the ones who had a "problem"!  In fact, I have a friend whose son was born 10 days after 4L, and is considerably larger than him.  

Due to the complications from my C-section, I only nursed 4L for about 10 days, while her son has been nursed the entire time.  Using that as anecdotal evidence, in combination with the aforementioned "study", I'd say breast-fed babies do tend to be larger - and it makes sense!  They get all the nutrients, calories, antibodies, etc etc etc EVERYTHING from the mother, and who knows what she's eating (I don't mean my friend here, cuz she is healthy, but I mean other mothers that I don't know!).  Spoon-fed babies are fed specific amounts at a time, leaving no question as to how many calories they are actually getting and from where those calories are coming.

Obviously, I'm not a doctor or scientist, and I only took one nutrition course in college.  That being said, I do read a lot, on both sides of the argument (whatever the argument may be!), and I have my own experiences to draw from.  Personally, and I know others who agree, I think that nobody really, truly knows wtf is going on with babies, and it's all just speculation.  Thirty years ago my parents were told to put me on my stomach to sleep, along with millions of other babies, and we all lived.  4L HATED sleeping on his back, and now that he's old enough to roll around on his own, he sleeps 99% of the night on his stomach.  Babies who sleep on their backs still die from SIDS, because nobody knows what causes SIDS. I would be willing to make a bet that in less than ten years, we'll be back to formula is the best and sleeping on the stomach is correct.  I can picture it now, doctors telling insanely obese/diabetic mothers that their milk is just too diseased/fatty/diabetic/etc to feed to a newborn, and that formula would be safer. Right now there's a big push for ADHD medications/diagnoses, and I think that in less than ten years the medical field will agree that it's lazy parenting because they'll have moved onto the next thing that Big Pharm wants to hawk.

...And that's my blogpost for the morning.  Now we're off to baby laptime at the library, cuz one thing is for sure- books will never be bad! (Unless you're CS Lewis in Fahrenheit 451... ok, gotta stop there!)

Wait, wait... I never had a chance to love you...

Ok, so the title of this post may be a little dramatic.  I'm just struggling right now with some things, and I feel like life is flying by while I hang on by a thread.

1) 4L is growing so fast! Too fast!  He's almost four months (only 4 days til his 4 month mark) and he's already rolling over, grasping, wanting real food, drooling like a puppy, and almost sleeping through the night.  He scoots off his tummy time mat, and I'm afraid he'll crawl away one day and I won't be able to find him, or he'll get stuck under the couch, or crawl down the steps & fall. He sat up the other night, all by himself, but he hasn't done it again since then.  I just want him to stay little!  At the same time, I can't wait for him to grow up.  I'm so excited to see how advanced he will be, if he will be like me and read at an early age, what he will like, if he will like dinosaurs or trucks or animals... I am just so excited and nervous at the same time.

2) I need to chill the fuck out, seriously.  I am so hard on myself, and people have always told me this, and I know that I have always been this way.  It's just so hard to let things go.  Like I told my friend Psyn, I'm so full of guilt that if I was any more Catholic, I'd be Jewish.  I know I should take time to do things just for myself, but it is so hard to justify anything that doesn't benefit my family in some way.  I feel selfish even just thinking of having a hobby that is just for me and just for fun!  My hobbies right now include clipping coupons, cooking, and researching ways to save money.  Poke said Tupperware is a hobby, but to me it's more of a job (more on that debacle later).  I also need to figure out how to get more sleep.  My brain won't shut off because I'm so hysterical (in  my mind) over hundreds of things that I literally lay in bed and just think.  There have been far too many times in my life, especially in the last four months, that I have been awake for 24+ hours just because I was stressed over what was going through my mind.  If the brain's thinking isn't keeping me awake, my brain's need for order is doing it - forcing me to clean/organize/tidy up/etc around the house so that it gets done while 4L is sleeping and Poke is sleeping/at work.  I can't even watch my favorite TV shows, I put them on and fold laundry or read the paper or do something so that I can claim multitasking and now feel lazy.  I just feel that I need to justify staying home, even though it's financially and emotionally best for us.  I'd feel even more guilty if 4L was at daycare, so that's one thing.  On the other hand, since I'm not bringing in any money (more on that later too), I feel like everything has to be spectacular for Poke so that he doesn't think I'm just some lazy woman mooching off his hard earned paycheck.  He's NEVER said anything like that, but I'm worried that we'll get in a fight or something one day and he'll say it.  I guess I'm just paranoid.

3) Tupperware - what a mess.  I did my first bazaar last Saturday and it was a bust.  I only got two orders, which would have been okay, except for I messed up the prices and now I have to try and get other orders to fix the problem, or pay the difference ($60) myself.  Luckily my work friend is having a party next Monday, so hopefully I can add them on to those orders - as long as I GET the right kind of orders! I came home from the bazaar and cried my eyes out for 20 minutes.  I was very frustrated because I have never been good at retail and I should never have gotten involved in this selling business.  The only good thing about the bazaar was that I did pass out a lot of catalogs and collect a lot of names, so now my info is out there and maybe I'll get some kickbacks from that.

4) Student Loans! I will finally start paying, almost three years after they started to come due.  This whole time I have been unable to pay, and not because I didn't work - even when I was working full time I still couldn't pay because the total for all my loans was well over $1,000 per month.  Sallie Mae refused to work with us on anything, and eventually the forbearance ran out.  Well, about a month ago, a guy named Paul came and knocked on my door.  He handed me an envelope and said he had an opportunity for me to work at CCI part time to help pay my student loans.  I was like yeah, right, and threw the envelope in the trash.  That was on a Tuesday, and on Thursday this girl Ashley called me about it.  I told her that I wasn't going to do it because there was no way I'd be able to get a sitter and blah blah blah Poke's weird schedule blah blah blah, but then she said it would be $25/hr and I could work basically whatever hours I chose.  So I went to the orientation, saw some old friends, met the new director, and got hired.  I'm working one day a week, four hours, cuz that's all they'll let us work.  My new student loan payments are about $200/mo, which will let me have about $125 in extra money/mo, and I can save it all or give it to Poke if he needs it for bills. Yay!

5) On the 27th, 4L will be baptized in the Catholic Church.  Poke isn't any religion, but I was raised Catholic, and originally we weren't going to get him baptized.  Then I started thinking about his tiny little soul, and was overwhelmed by the thought that if something were to happen to him, where would his soul go?  I would never be able to live with myself thinking that my baby's soul was just lost in limbo.  Poke and I talked about it, and he agreed that having 4L baptized would only do good, so that was that.  Since having 4L, I've gone back to church, and it's pretty good.  A teacher once told me that Catholicism wasn't a childrens' religion, and I think now that she was right on.  I understand more now, and I care more, and I'm taking it seriously.  For the past 14-ish years, I wandered around looking for answers and trying to find my own way, and eventually I was led back here.  I guess this is where I belong.

Judge Not, Lest Ye be Judged.

I want to address something kinda quickly.  I'll try and make this to the point.

• If you don't like what I write, don't read it.
• If you don't like what I say about someone, 1) don't read it or, even better, 2) think about what I am saying and figure out if there might be some truth to it.  After all, these are my opinions on my life*.
• If you don't agree with what I write, 1) don't read it, or, even better, feel free to use that brain God gave you and have an adult discussion about the subject.

Nobody is forcing to you to read this blog.

Hope that clears things up!

*You have no idea what it's like to live my life.  You are not me and you never will be.  You have not experienced what I have experienced, you have not dealt with what I have encountered.

Shitty Weather = Supreme Goddess Time

Now that I'm officially employed by 4L, I will need to truly show off my culinary, lavatation, and absterging skills. In addition, my couponing will be combined with such skills and hopefully I can save us some money by busting things out Laura-Ingalls-Wilder-style. 

First up will be homemade pierogis, because why should I buy them at the store, frozen, when I literally have all the ingredients here and can make 10 meals worth, fresh, and freeze them myself for the price of one box?! Exactly. And because pierogis, knitzches, and ravioli are all the same, I can just adjust fillings and toppings here & there to make whichever Polish/Jewish/Italian dinner I want. Hells yeah. I just wish I had a pasta maker attachment for my GMap's old Kitchenaid. I guess 70 years ago there wasn't too much of a demand for them... But I can make fettuccine or egg noodles or whatever thick noodles by hand in the meantime. 

I've got the basement almost clean; Now that it's been waterproofed (a nice $13k investment) I can actually go down there and do stuff and use the space. We already cleaned everything up and set up some shelves, but the floor needs to be mopped again (and probably again after that!). Once I save some money, somehow, I'll be finishing it with the help of my dad. He finished our basement in the house I grew up in and it was about the same size. I think it will be pretty easy and fairly inexpensive. The first thing I'm gonna do is lay down vinyl tile in the laundry area and workbench area. I've put down vinyl tile before and it's really REALLY easy - all you have to do is measure, peel & stick. 

Also I've been trying to learn things to do with 4L. He's only 2 months now, but he's at the age where he can retain some info, he follows me with his eyes and mimics things I do. We've already learned to stick out our tongue, give kisses, and repeat (I say "aaah" and he says "aaah" back!). He's really good at tummy time, and his neck is already so strong that he can hold his head up and (mostly) steady while he is sitting on my lap. When I hold him up and place his feet on my stomach or legs, I can feel him pushing against them. It's fantastic! 

So, on top of all this, I'm thinking of becoming a Tupperware lady. My mom had a party the other day and it was fun, and I ended up talking to the consultant who ran it and she was telling me how easy it is. I suck at having parties, and I suck at selling stuff, but if I can get other people to have parties for me, the Tupperware will sell itself! Yeah! We'll see. I would have to invest $120 (or $80, but I might as well go all in if I'm going to do it) to get the set of stuff to take to parties, which is a good deal even if I end up being lame at consulting because it's like $550 worth of Tupperware for $120. Yay! 

Besides all this work stuff, life is okay. Poke has been difficult lately, but wtf am I going to do? I just have to let him work out his shit on his own time. I've done what I can and there is really no more I can do after six years. The whole situation is quite exhausting. Not to mention my mom telling me I need to come up with $300 A MONTH to pay my student loans, when she knows damn well we can't afford that. I've told her a hundred times that they'll be included in my bankruptcy (see here where they can be included) but the damn collectors keep calling her and calling her and threatening her and she just keeps listening to them. It's fucking annoying.

Anyway, 4L is asleep and I'm about to hit the sack myself.  Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow because today was a pretty shitty day.

6:22 on a Saturday Morning

...and I'm watching Looney Tunes. The old ones! I haven't seen some of these in years. But to be honest, I feel like a Looney Tune right now. I'm running on about three hours of sleep yet I'm not at all tired, just slap-happy. Yesterday was a long day of garage sale-ing with my mom (after a migraine and allergies resulting in only five hours of totally interrupted sleep) and when I got home, Poke had to leave for work two hours later. I tried to nap, but 4L wasn't having it! Despite all this, I am so happy. I have never been happier in my life. I officially went contingent at work last week, and I am thrilled to be a SAHM. Life is going to rule from here on out... now I had better get some sleep so I'm awake to enjoy it!

The Name of This Blog Should be Changed

Kel-Bell is no longer in Hell.  Kel-Bell is in heaven, thanks to a beautiful angel delivered to her on July 18th.  His name shall be 4L, and he shall bring joy and laughter to all!  (As a matter of fact, he already has!)

Being a mother has absolutely changed my life.  Two separate home nurses and my OB's office all gave me this post-partum test (to make sure I'm not depressed) and I scored a "4" every time (out of 20 - the higher the score, the more dangerous you are).  I have never been so happy in all my life!  Sure, I am worried about 4L and his future, and our finances, and the regular mom/partner type stuff, but I am so just... *whatever* about everything else.  As long as we have the necessities, I will be fine.  Even then I could probably live in a van down by the river, cuz WIC will provide food for 4L and I can go to the food bank.  Seriously, having him in my life has changed me 100% for the better.  I never thought I could be so happy!

That being said, I still don't understand the "need" or "desire" to have children.  4L was an accident, albeit a happy accident, and had that sperm not met that egg in a completely random fashion, I would not have chosen to have a child.  However, now that he's here, I already want another one!  Hahaha, I keep telling Poke we're going to have seven, just so that when we end up with three he will be thankful. *wink*  

When I think about how lucky I am to have a man like Poke, I get all choked up.  All those bitches from his/our past totally lost out!  I have the BEST partner I could ask for.  He probably wouldn't be perfect for you, but he's perfect for us.  When he's working his four days, I have to admit that I feel like a single mom cuz he works all day/night and then sleeps all night/day.  But, when he's off the next four, I feel like a queen and I almost can't handle not having to do anything for the baby!  Poke has really stepped up and turned into quite the provider.  After I had 4L, who arrived via C-Section, I was trapped in my bed at the hospital for two days thanks to IVs, catheters, and the like.  Poke diligently changed diapers, held/rocked/coddled 4L, and did everything he could to make us comfortable.  Ten days after, when I landed back in the hospital thanks to a badly infected inner abdomen (yay major surgery), Poke stayed home with 4L, took three extra days off work and did it all by himself.  He could have pawned the baby off on my parents or his mom, but he took charge and took control.  I never thought I would be so proud of him!  The former Poke has been replaced by a caring, loving, thoughtful man and it is more than I could ever ask for.  All the break-ups, the cheating, the weird shit that I can't even tell you about... it's all gone.  He still gets down on himself for not being an expert at this or that, and I still have to reassure him that nobody is perfect, etc etc etc, but I'm hoping that eventually the light will come on and he'll understand that he's just a man.

I've been mulling it over every minute of every day since I left for maternity leave, and I just can't imagine going back.  I know Isaac won't remember these days, but *I* will - I don't want someone to tell me that he spoke for the first time while I was at work, I don't want to miss any of the firsts or milestones, I don't want to miss a single minute.  The other day he pooped and it looked like dog poop and I was so thrilled that I was privy to his first bout with constipation and knew how to help him.  Some caregiver, even if well-meaning, might make a decision that I wouldn't agree with, and I don't want that to happen.  I want Poke and myself to make the decisions!  We've discussed it some, and I'm trying to get Poke to seriously think about it and not just take my word for it (that we can afford it, etc.), but no final agreement has been made.  I'm hoping I can become a stay-at-home mom and raise our son to the best of my ability.

4L is a remarkable little baby.  He has already rolled over, not just once or twice on accident, but several times on purpose.  He can also scoot across his tummy time mat with the assistance of his tiny pillow, as well as give kisses and stick out his tongue.  I'm convinced my child is a genius - but what mother isn't?!  Of course I did have almost 4.0 gpa

Speaking of getting up and doing stuff, I have a meatloaf that needs to go in the oven.  

Ta-ta for now!

PS - I am seriously considering changing the name, but the URL will stay the same!

Adult Time (Has a Whole New Meaning)

LOL, it's not like I'm going to be blogging about all my fantastic sexual escapades anymore - no sir, those days are gone and Adult Time has a whole new meaning... which is bound to take on an even DIFFERENT meaning in just under 40 days!  

Back in the day, I could just go out and do whatever/whomever I wanted to do without a care in the world.  Poke was in and out of my life, and I didn't really have to worry about my actions affecting anyone else because other than him, I haven't had a (super)steady boyfriend (other than the 6 month Sal debacle) since I was married.  My career was the only important thing to me, besides getting laid, getting fucked up, and getting drunk.  As long as I made it to work and I was coherent, I was pleased.  These days, I have so much more to care about.  I see people who live the way I used to, and it disgusts me.  Even when Poke goes out drinking to his brother's (which has only been three times since January), I am sickened.  He did it the other night & I told him not to bother coming home, for several reasons: 1) I didn't want to smell it 2) I didn't want him driving under the influence and 3) I love to drink and it's just not fair! (Seriously! I'm not going to lie about why I don't want him drinking!)  Before he left I told him all this, and he acted like I was just trying to keep him caged in.  Maybe when 4L (the baby - more on that nickname in a sec) arrives, Poke will finally see that it's not just him in this world & understand WHY I don't want him drinking/drinking & driving/etc.  I've never been comfortable drinking around my friends' kids, and I know I won't be comfortable drinking around my own.  Besides that, I can't think of any situation in which it would be okay for us to be drunk - no matter what, it's bad for 4L.  If we get drunk & leave him at the sitter's, he could get sick or something and we'd be unable to drive to get him or take him to the hospital.  If we get drunk while he's sleeping we might miss him waking up and needing to be fed or changed or sick, etc.  There is just no good time for responsible parents to get drunk!  And that's a good thing to me.

I'm looking forward to learning to drink like an adult, having just a few & relaxing.  My whole drinking life, I've done it like a frat boy.  To me, there was no point in drinking if I wasn't going to get completely obliterated.  Why have 3 beers when you can have 13?  Beer tastes good, but being drunk feels good.  Well, I'm sure being a mother feels much better & I can't wait to find out.  It's not like I'm going to turn into a complete prude or something, I just have so much to care about now that I won't even think twice about sacrificing for him.

Overall, I am so excited for 4L to be here.  I had my baby shower on May 28th, lots of people came, and I got SO many gifts - it was amazing.  I haven't had a party like that with so many presents to open since I was a young girl!  Everyone did so much - too much - but I am so grateful... and now the nursery is done!  Seriously, I came home from the shower & put together the swing & the stroller & put the linens on the crib.  Over the next few days Poke & I set the rest of the things up, washed 4L's clothes, and within a week we had everything done.  The shower was awesome, but even (slightly) more awesome was the big trip to Babies'R'Us.  We got the rest of the stuff on our registry: pack'n'play, diapers, bath stuff, tub, towels; exchanged & returned some clothes, etc.  After two hours we had a full cart & headed up to the checkout.  Grand total was around $674.00, but after coupons, sales, certain percentages off for this & that, and 15% off each item from the registry (for completing it), the new total came to $450 - We saved $224!!  I was quite pleased.

Including today, I have 30 days left til I am on maternity leave.  I'll have two weeks paid & six weeks unpaid, but the six weeks will be FMLA so I will be guaranteed a job when I return, as well as not losing my benefits while I'm gone.  I figured I should leave about a week before my due date because I personally feel like 4L is going to come four days before my due date and the last few times we've gone to the doctor they've told us he's about a week to a week and a half ahead of where he should be.  I keep praying to Jesus and talking to 4L, asking them both to just get me through the next 29 days - til at least 8pm on July 13th - so that I can get all my PTO in and everything will be "on schedule" (at least as far as HR is concerned!!).  

Work has been fair lately, and by fair I mean "not good and not bad" as opposed to "equal" or "reasonable".  My sprvsr is still difficult, and I think I've finally gotten to the point where I have just checked out from her.  I can't respect her, I can't take her seriously, and there is not a single thing she can do that will change my feelings.  I take that back: she could admit that she's been picking on me, admit all her personal flaws & mistakes, stop being judgmental, stop being racist, do her job correctly, and start accepting criticism - constructive or otherwise.  But none of those things will ever happen, separately or together with another.  She's just a very stubborn person!  After all that, like I said, I think I've just checked out.  She leaves me annoying little notes on the prep sheets & I leave my own notes for her.  She doesn't bother to use common sense or look things up, she just accuses me of this, that, & the other.  For example, she left me a note stating that I need to follow recipes - the dish she was referring to had three ingredients, and I made it with only two because she had failed to order the third ingredient.  So I left her a note saying so!  *grrr*  This is the kind of stuff I literally, without exaggeration, have to deal with on a daily basis.  My only days off from this shit is the weekend, when she doesn't work (except the next few weekends when she IS working! ACK!).

Oh well, yesterday was an awesome day at work & it really gave me a boost as far as confidence goes.  All the lecturing and note-writing can really bring me down - it's even become somewhat of a joke between (my coworker) LareBear and myself.  I'll say something & he'll reply with "Don't you know you do everything wrong?" or "Well you did kill that resident one time..." and he is totally joking because the stuff I get pinched for is always bullshit & everyone knows it.  But I digress - things went well yesterday and I was really pleased.  I don't know if I *actually* did an awesome job or if I'm less worried because I know I'll be outta there in a month... either way, yay me.

So now, I'll tell you why I'm referring to the baby as "4L" - his initials are IVL, and since "IV" = 4, I just thought it'd be easier/quicker to type.  Yup, I am a nerd.