It's Been Awhile...

Wow. Ok.

I don't even know where to start. I guess the beginning would be good, thanks smartass, but I don't really know what the beginning is...

Let's categorize.

School - awesome. Getting super good grades. Felt slightly failure-ish the last couple weeks while doing chicken, but I am going to attribute it to 1) Hating chicken 2) Being sick and 3) Really fucking hating chicken. There was some drama with KS, the 53 yr old woman in my class, but whatever, it's mostly just entertainment now. You'd think somebody who is that age would have some tact/couth/knowledge of how to act in a social situation, but I guess it's not always true. BB, EM, and AT have all withdrawn. It's ok. I'm just glad that they finally figured it out. AT will be back after she has her baby, but we'll be long gone or at least in our externships by that point, so whatever. Other than that, school is cool.

Me!

Me scraping out marrow from Osso Bucco


Me eating the marrow (it really wasn't that bad)

WR and MB eatin' chicken wings

Chefs trying my delicious Pork Enchiladas

MB. Chicken Wing. Watch out!

RP trying out the Parmesan Crusted Chicken Breast

Work - Been at the Steak'n'Shake for about a month and a half now. It is good! I really like working there, and I kinda didn't think I would. I've never been a waitress before, and I always was like "oh I hate people I can't do that job" but actually it's great. The money leaves a bit to be desired, but I am still making practically double what I was at DQ, so that in and of itself makes the job way more awesome! I guess I just pictured tips being more... well... plentiful. But then again, even tho S'n'S is kinda on the pricey side, people don't seem to really think of it as a "real restaurant". HELLO?! Hasn't anyone seen the commercials? This is not a "workeraunt!" The only terrible thing that has happened is this totally random bruise that I cannot for the life of me figure out. It just appeared. I tease Poke that it's the exact size of his thumb, but I really think I closed my arm in the salad cooler door last week.



Family - Good. My brother just had his 19th birthday. My dad walks with a cane now, and he's having surgery on his knees tomorrow - I think they're being scraped again. That's about all.

Poke - Ah yes, I know you were all waiting for this part of the update! Ok, so after I dropped him off at the bus station, I texted him a couple times between then and the next day. When I heard from him again, he was absolutely miserable. He had originally been in an apt with 3 black people, 2 of which were racist lesbians. His other roommate was just weird, so he switched to live in a house with some other people. I was shocked that they had him rooming with females in the first place, but whatever. So Monday was the 1st day, he had some classes, then it was time for the physical (actually I can't remember if it was Mon or Tues...) Regardless, he filled out the forms and stuff, and realized that he wouldn't pass the physical because he has back problems and sleep apnea, 2 major things they don't allow the truckers to have. So that was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back on top of being miserable with his living situation and being terribly homesick. He was back by Wednesday morning. I wasn't really angry, just kinda disappointed, but if he was going to be miserable not learning anything and not pass the physical anyway, why should he waste his money staying out there? So, that was that. He had an interview yesterday at a lumber place up in Westerville which seems promising. He will still get to be a driver, just not have his CDL. I guess we'll work on that later.

Besides Poke's career, things have been going very well for us. I made it clear, both verbally and otherwise (ha ha but don't think I'm beating him or anything!) that this time it really is on my terms and that if he wants to be with me he needs to realize that I'm not putting up with anything and that I basically own him. It's nice though, because we've gone into another level of this relationship now. He wants to move in. He wants to make a serious committment. He wants to move to Boston with me. I'm no longer poking and prodding and trying to convince. He has actually said he wants this that or the other thing, and it's wonderful. We went to a friend's wedding, and the next day Poke was talking about what kind of things we could do for ours. Things this time are just so much more open and real and better, and I think it's because I didn't just let him back in with a big "You're Forgiven". I made him work for it.

So, here are some random pictures. Enjoy. I promise I will update more often from now on! Working 25-35 hrs a week on top of 35-ish hours of school keeps me pretty busy though!

CL, Poke's brother

The new Mr. and Mrs. RS during their first dance!

Groomsmen

Boys waiting to catch the garter

Cutting the cake

Before the ceremony

CL and Poke

JW and RS

Poke

KS

RS

Me!

Empty Threats

SL and I went to karaoke at Gordy's (formerly Lou Al's) last night with TD, TB, JW, and MN. It was pretty fun. A lot of people commented on my singing, saying things about how awesome I was and stuff. That made me feel really good. I was in a great mood, and when they were leaving SL and I decided to go to Eldo's. That was so much fun too. GG was there, and Moose and TomCat and Douger, The Sir, Mr. Happy, you know, the regular crowd. I had a great time. There was a pack of lesbians there, and when I was taking Zara's tip jar around I got to kiss four of them on the cheek. They thought I was cute! That was awesome. Girls are swell. I don't think I'll ever have a girlfriend again, and if I do, she definitely won't be married with children. And she will have to have boobs. And money. Ha.
No one showed up at Eldo's to run me down or run me over or bury my face in the street, and I pretty much didn't expect them to. Besides, the authorities are fully aware of the animosity pouring from those people, and if anything happens to me they will definitely be the first suspects; not to mention that since they are clueless enough to constantly identify themselves in the messages they leave, I'm sure they would do something ridiculous like write their name on my car after slashing the tires. Or leave me a message with their name saying they did it.

I almost fell over laughing just now, thinking of the message I might get:

"Hi this is so-and-so, my social security # is ----------, I live at 123 Main St., Anytown, OH 43214, and between the hours of 10pm and 11pm on Thursday April 6th I slashed your tires with a knife purchased at Wal*Mart (the quarter-inch blade with formica handle) seventeen times before bashing in your windows with my elbow. I then went to Riverside Hospital where I had my wounds treated by a Dr. Smith who can confirm this. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at 614-555-7138. By the way, you're fat and your boyfriend is fat."

That would be hilarious. And if it happens, I can say that they stole my idea. Haha.

Anyway! Today is supposed to be the day that MMA and I go and file for disollusion (sp?) I talked to him last night and he said he's been sick the last few days, but he said he should still be able to go. Oh yeah! I'm not getting my hopes up though, because I expect him to disappoint me like always. Maybe this time I will be pleasantly surprised.

What a Wonderful Week!

Oh man. I can't believe how awesome this week has been. The weather has been perfect, I haven't had any run-ins with anyone I hate, my husband voluntarily drew up the paperwork for a dissolusion, the law says I am in the right regarding that thing I mentioned on Monday, and finally, this will probably be the last time I will ever have to borrow from a payday advance place because...

drumroll please...

SL got a job! Yippy! And it's not even a shitty grocery store or gas station or fast food job. It's a respectable company and the money will be FUCKING GREAT. Oh. Yeah.

I'm so happy. So very happy. My life couldn't get any better, well, once I get divorced for real it can't get any better, unless I suddenly come into a large sum of money or something. But I doubt that will happen, haha.

Yay!

Also I'd like to mention that I am now learning how to use Linux, and this is my very first non-Windows-based post. Hell yeah.

Bishop declares, "Meat and Beer: Okay!"

This week has been so frickin' long. Oh man.

Tuesday I went to Zuey's and watched American Idol. It was a pretty fun evening. I went to Brewstir's in Clintonville after that, for Cat's show. Met up with NB, and we had a great time. He didn't really try too hard to put the moves on me, so that was cool. I hadn't seen him since September I think, and we had a lot of catching up to do. He made me happy because somehow we got talking about something, I have no clue, and I was like, "Yeah, I wish I was more girly." He laughed and said I was very girly. I said, "No way! I wear these lesbian boots and polo shirts and Birkenstock sandals!" He said I was very very girly and something like it didn't matter if I tried to dress up like a man, I would still be girly. That made me so happy. I guess SL is right, along with ND from work, I am girly. I just need to feel more girly, but it's starting to happen, haha.

Wednesday I did nothing. Literally. I was worn out from Tuesday!

Last night I went to a company function at MIT. That was great fun, getting to meet everyone that I always talk to on the phone. They really had the hookup, with little butler people walking around and a bartender fellow and a huge spread of food like cheese, vegetables, salmon, crackers, chocolate strawberries, little teeny deserts, etc. They even had a carving station to make sandwiches and stuff! It was awesome. I had about four glasses of wine, but that was cool because 1) it was free and 2) I love wine and it does not get me instantly trashed! I ran into this guy I worked with at a couple different jobs, and a guy I worked at Jericho with. I met some chick that works with my old manager from Jericho. She told me how she hates him and I told her how I hated him and then she was like, "Oh my god, you're Kelly! I've heard stories about you! Isn't your husband MMA?!" Which pissed me off when I learned that in the last three years, this guy has been telling his version of these things that actually happened, but not the way he says they do.

For instance, right after I quit there I was hospitalized. I got all these calls from concerned people, because this guy had told everyone that MMA beat me so much that I landed in the ICU. Riiiiight. It was not even close to the reason why I was in there, and MMA never beat me. In fact, every time MMA had ever tried to lay a hand on me I usually ended up being the winner in that situation. This old manager guy is just a fucking loser. He told me all these lies while I worked there, and he was just a regular asshole. When my mother-in-law died twice during surgery but finally made it through, MMA and I had to stay with her little girl so my step-father-in-law could be at the hospital. We took about a week off work, cleared with the owners/our bosses, and everything was fine and they were very understanding. Well one day during this time off, I get a call from Mr. Manager. He tells me that my family is not important, this little 5 year old with a mother who is practically on life support is not important, and I need to come back to work and take care of my duties there. I tell you, he is just a regular asshole. Not to mention he's about 400 lbs., over six feet tall, and the biggest fucking flamer you could imagine. He used to have little twinks come for "interviews" in his office and we all knew he was really getting blow jobs and god knows what else from them. Ick.

But, I have gotten away from my point!

This girl was totally wasted, oh my god. And she was dressed like a prostitute, seriously, her skirt was so short that when she walked she had to keep tugging it down so no one would see her crack and cooch. We headed over to the Dub Pub, why, I don't know. She was like, "Let me buy you a shot!" so I said that would be swell. We talked about the asshole some more, and then she got this bright idea to give me a spontaneous makeover. Well the wine was starting to set in and the shot we did was also, so I said what the heck. We went to the bathroom and she attacked me with her makeup case. The end result was pretty awesome, except for she colored in my eyebrows... I looked cool until that happened, and then I looked like an old hooker. OH my god. When she wasn't looking I tried to rub some of it off, and it worked a little bit so at least I didn't look like a old hooker anymore. Now I just looked fake. The guys at the bar that she was trying to hook us up with said it looked fine, but I just couldn't believe them. She bought me another shot and we left because she had to go up to Sawmill to get her friend or something. I worried about her driving because she was really so so so drunk, but she told me that one DUI doesn't matter when you've already got one. Whatever.

I headed over to Eldo's, and on the way I just felt drunker. It was shitty. When I got there I drank a ton of water while I talked to TD and MN (formerly mentioned as Mrm.) I sang alright, but I was starting to be un-drunkish a little so I didn't sing as well as I could have. That sucked because I really wanted to impress my friends. Damn wine! I hate when I'm "coming down" from be drunk, it makes me feel crappy. Anyway, we had a great time. Poke came in and he was literally all over me. I kept telling him that nothing could happen because I've got a boyfriend, etc. etc. etc., but he would not give up. He kept asking for a kiss so I finally I kissed him. I told SL about it this morning and he said that was okay, because after that Poke pretty much let me alone. He hates Poke anyway so I guess that's just another reason to keep hating him! Anyway, Wolfy was there, so was TomCat, Moose, and B the BDI. B's girlfriend came over to me at one point and told me that they didn't hate me or weren't angry with me or anything, because of what happened with SS/Jms, and that was cool. She said that B really had nothing to do with the situation, and since he and I have been friends longer than I have even known SS/Jms, it was alright. He smiled at me and waved hi, so that was cool, but I didn't really get to talk to him. Overall, a good evening.


Today is St. Patrick's Day, yippy. Green beer, woo-hoo! The Bishop has declared that Catholics can eat meat today, even though it's not allowed normally during Lent to eat meat on Fridays. The only catch is that the meat that is being eaten must be celebratory meat, ie, a St. Patrick's Day CornBeef and Sauerkraut meal or something. Can't just eat meat when you want. Also, you do not have to adhere to the rule of fasting, ie, whatever you gave up. So today, I am allowed to drink beer. Yay! I probably won't eat any meat though. As I sit and think about the Irish, it brings to mind another set of Alcoholics - the Native Americans.

Okay, I'll admit that was a terrible seagueway to a new paragraph, but whatever. I had to bring up this bitch in some way! Even though I've moved on with my life, it's apparent that some people haven't. I got an Instant Message from SS this morning, and it was as follows:

mamaturtle2000 (3/17/2006 10:01:14 AM): You were lookin a little loser-ish last night, and as usual, I'm at home with my family and you're out getting drunk. How truly, truly sad

I don't understand why she bothers to care. I mean seriously. She is one of those people who is so obviously miserable with her life that she actually gets off on creating drama. She is always the victim in every case - when she got arrested it wasn't her fault, when she had the cops called on her by the neighbors it wasn't her fault, when this that and the other thing happened it wasn't her fault. She's always complaining about something. The neighbors are loud. The office doesn't do whatever in her idea of a timely fashion. Her son's teacher doesn't teach right. Her husband's boss is too strict. The person driving behind her rode too closely on her bumper and almost killed her and her kids. Her sisters have too much drama. Etc. etc. etc. It's disgusting. I feel really bad for people like her who are so miserable that they fake happiness while they try to make others miserable. It's pathetic. Besides, how would she know if I was looking "loser-ish"? She wasn't there! And if her dad said I was there, I highly doubt he would say "loser-ish." Not to mention the fact that I wasn't looking "loser-ish" (whatever that means, anyway!) because I was surrounded by friends and having a fucking awesome time. And another question is, why is it "truly truly sad" that I'm out? There's the jealousy coming right through in that statement. It's literally dripping with wanton. I'm out getting drunk... because I have a life, I have friends, I can afford it, I'm not an alcoholic, etc. So I like to drink? So what? Pathetic, she's really, really pathetic. I'm also not sure why she keeps on perpetuating this drama, I paid the cunt her money back and it's over now. I have the cancelled checks to prove it. I've moved on. I'm very happy with my life, SL is going to be here in five days, I finally had my book published, and I've got a handful of great friends. I don't give a flying fuck about her, her family, her children anymore - she needs to move on, seriously. I don't answer her emails or instant messages, and the only reason why I'm even mentioning her in this post is because I'm baffled. Really, truly baffled as to why she keeps going with this. Poor SS and her miserable life. It's almost sad enough to bring a tear to my eye... but not quite.

Time to go eat mac'n'cheese. Late.

Another One... again.

Weird Dream # 493... I'd imagine.

I dreamt that I was on some sort of field trip, possibly a class reunion, with kids that I went to K-8 with. At one point we stopped at a gas station, and I had to pee. Some little girls had to also, so I volunteered to take them with me. Turned out that the bathroom was a shitty one-person, so I had to wait for the little girls to go then I told them to wait while I went. They were waiting just fine and I was almost done, when someone tried to open the door. The door wasn't very secure, and in fact I was holding it closed, and yelled, "Someone's in here!" The person on the other side kept trying to open the door, and I was almost being pulled off the toilet trying to keep it closed. Finally they got the better of me, and it swung open while I was still sitting there trying to pee. RB from work and this guy I went to high school with, TJG, were standing there laughing. I was like, "What the fuck guys, didn't you hear me yell someone was in here?" They said no, they had seen someone walk away from the door and it was open so they thought it was unoccupied. I thought that was a load of shit, and I said so. They just kept laughing, I finished peeing, and by this time the little girls had ran back to the bus so I just pulled up my jeans and walked out. I wanted to find some anti-bacterial hand lotion to buy, since I hadn't washed my hands, and when I walked into the gas station store, everyone I saw was laughing at me or talking about me, how I had let the door be open when I was peeing. It got to be so ridiculous that I literally punched some girls in their faces. Several times. Then people were pissed off at me for being pissed off that they were laughing. I ended up going around and punching all kinds of people in the face - girls, boys, people I didn't know, it didn't matter. Everyone was laughing at me and making fun of me, and making me look like a fool. Finally I got on the bus and sat and waited for it to be over. The next stop was my stop and I could have just walked but it was a little bit too far. Some girl came and sat by me, and scowled. I asked her why she was sitting by me - didn't she hate me or want to laugh at me like everyone else? She said yes, she did, and in fact I had punched her in the mouth earlier... But she knew that I was a generous person and a fool and she wanted to still be my friend in case she needed me later in life. I told her to fuck off, just saying that had ended the friendship, and then she got pissed at me because, "Wouldn't I rather her be honest than lie?" and I said, "Not in that case." She stomped off the bus.
I must have either switched dreams or "gone to commercial" at this point, because the next thing I knew I was at my old house on 2nd Ave, except I didn't live there. My old boyfriend JJN lived there, and I had come to see how he had fixed up the place. Zara was there with me, for "moral support" and we came in two cars. We went in, JJN hadn't really done much with it except put in new carpeting. We ate some sandwiches and chips and watched a little bit of TV, and then I said it was time to go. JJN had fallen asleep on the couch, so Zara and I just walked out. She got in her car, which was a funky looking green Saturn (not her real life car) and I walked up half a block and got in mine. I had to no problem pulling out of the space, even though I was parallel parked, and turned around and drove down the street towards High. When I passed her, she was still waiting to get out, but I didn't have time to stop and let her go before me. As I looked over at the house, JJN was outside crouched by a tree and smoking a cigarette (he doesn't smoke in real life.) I honked and he waved and that was it. I woke up.

I'm thinking that this dream happened because I've been so angry the last few days, remembering all the times people screwed me over. It's not that I hold a grudge, really, but it's not fair that I have to suffer over their shittiness for the rest of my life, while they move on, happy as goddamn clams. For instance: 4th grade: I had just discovered sour cream and onion chips. I was hanging out on the bleachers at school because my mom worked at the villa there and I had to wait for her to be done so we could go home. I had a bag of chips with me, just chillin' there, eating them, and this girl, Staci, came along with my friend Sarah Z. Staci conned that bag out of my hands by promising that she would bring me a new bag the next day. She never brought me one. Ever. She was the same girl who conned dollars out of me when they put the nacho machine in, and never paid me back. I would assume, that with interest, she probably owes me about $200 and 4 bags of chips. The big bags.
The same thing still continues today. DS (the gay half-breed) got so much free cocaine from me, so many drinks, fucked me over on this computer, stole my game, fucked me literally, and I'm left with a piece of shit computer, no RCT3, and the thought in my mind that I had sex with him... it's not that I regret it... but kinda. And out of all the men I've been with, he really is the only one I regret a little. I think it's because of all the other shit he did to me. There are so many others I could talk about - TM who not only stole money and DVDs and my wedding rings, but also got me addicted to cocaine; MMA who literally ruined my life, I lost my house and car and so on... but the worst part about MMA is that several times he went on a rampage and threw out things from my childhood that I had, just so I wouldn't think of my family. I don't know if I still have my rosary from my First Communion or not, several books my mom had made for me, cards I got when I was little... all gone. Every single one. Cards that I had gotten from people who are now dead that I rec'd when I was born! He really is a terrible person.

I guess I'm done being angry for today. It gives me a headache. I think that's why I've been so achey all weekend - because I've been so miserable about shit I can't change. Bah - back to trying to be optimistic.

On a happier note, Happy Birthday, SL!

Marlboro Menthol Lights in a box please.

I've been smoking the same cigarettes for almost all of the 13 years I've been a smoker. Sometimes I wonder what Philip Morris has done with all that money... and what I could have done with it. Oh well. Now I save Marlboro Miles and maybe some day I'll be able to get that swell bomber jacket!

Well today was an interesting day. I suppose I should start with last night, really. I went to Zuey's for a few hours with KP. Since I've given up beer, I had so much trouble trying to figure out what I wanted to drink. I started with the bombs- Cherry, then Grape (nasty) and lastly, Berry (tastes like cough syrup.) By that time, because I literally drank all three of those within about 15 minutes, I was warm inside. KP finally showed up, and of course, she was drinking beer. I was so envious. The boring kid came in for a minute, and he bought me a Jaeger bomb, which I am starting to once again enjoy. I had a half of a glass of beer because I have to follow Jaeger with beer just because of the weird funky taste it leaves in my mouth. I had a few other drinks, and ended up spending more than I'm used to. It kinda sucked, but I suppose that not drinking beer, which is wicked cheap, has it's price. Ha.

We had a blast at Zuey's, I love hanging out with fun people who like to have fun. Too often I find myself hanging around losers who do nothing but complain about everything around them, and that brings me down. I've finally figured this out after all this time, I'm not sure what took me so long... Anyway. We played this battle of the sexes game, which I rocked at, and that was okay. We didn't really keep score or anything or have a game board, it was pretty much just KL reading the questions. KP was good too, and this one kid, and of course JD and The Mean Guy knew their stuff. Everyone was surprised at how many of the really hard questions I knew. See, I guess they just don't know me that well and have not yet realised my infinite wisdom. Alright, I won't go that far, but I am really, really intelligent. I scored high on my tests.

KP and I went back to her house, and she made some Hamburger Helper for our toasted asses. It was good, but way hot, and I gave some to Spike the Dog. I couldn't stay because I'm not comfortable sleeping at other people's houses, and for some reason my nose tells me that her apartment smells like gas. She doesn't notice it, but it hits me hard. So I went home and talked to SL for awhile and then passed out. I woke up around 07:24, confused because I was holding the phone in my hand. Apparently I had forgotten to plug it in... oh well. The Today Show was on, and it was something about something I didn't care about, so I went back to sleep. I finally woke up around 08:45 and hauled my ass out of bed. I kept smelling the smell of gas, and it was really making me sick. I felt sick all day right up until now. I've eaten stuff, like ND brought in McDonald's for me and I had some Mac'n'Cheese for lunch and a little bit of chinese food (from the crock pot) for dinner, but still my stomach is like Yikes. Oh well.

MMA instant messaged me today, offering to contribute his tax refund towards the divorce. I am wondering what his motivation is because I know that simply getting the divorce isn't enough. I bet he wants to get married to the girl he was dating... if they're still dating... who knows. All I know is that I have $100.00 saved so we'll see what happens and when. I'm not too concerned about it, I'm not getting married for almost a year yet.

I'm a little bit sad right now because SL was supposed to come back next Thursday but he might have to stay in Florida longer. It's not for legal reasons or anything like that, he just hasn't been able to get any work through the labor ready place, and so he only has a little bit of money saved up. Of course, everyday he waits to buy the ticket, the price goes up more. I'll probably PayPal him a couple bucks to contribute, just so I can get him here sooner. He heard back from one of his prospects for a job here, and it seems really promising. The guy told him that he really wants SL for the position, and he's waiting for him to come back to interview him in person. I hope he gets that job, it's really really great and the pay is awesome. He would be making almost as much as I am, and more than someone who works at a gas station or in a meat department at the grocery store.

Speaking of gas again, I got a new furnace. This makes me happy. They knocked money off my rent, to compensate for the retarded gas bill, and that made me happy too. All in all, now that I've let go of this bullshit and I'm moving on with my life, I'm generally in a better mood. I'm making a valiant effort to be optimistic, and it's working! The less depressing losers I hang out with, the better off I am. Now that there aren't those kind of people in my life anymore, it's gravy. Yay for me. I rock.

Oh, and because I know she's going to read this:
SS, sending me emails and instant messages is pointless. You're wasting your time. I'm not going to stoop to your level. Have a wonderful life; I hope everything goes the way you want it. It's been real, and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun. Move on and focus your energy on your children and your husband. I'm not a part of your life anymore.
The End.

I'm Done

With all this bullshit that has been going on, I've pretty much forgotten the point of this blog. Yeah, it's for whatever I want it to be for, but I never intended for it to become a bill board where I post up all the crap that is going on in my life for you to see. I'm sick and tired of the crap myself, so I have decided that I'm just done with it.

I'm done with my ex-friend, the one who claims I turned on her so quickly yet in actuality it was her who turned on me instead of being a real friend and being happy that I am happy. I'm very happy in my life right now, save for the constant pricking of this divorce, but I can get past that because it's just like... heartburn. No pun intended.

I'm done with my in-laws, who are badgering me about this stupid fucking car title. I'm just going to sign it over as soon as I recieve it, and never have to deal with them again. Maybe when they see me being nice, like I usually am, they will pass the word on to MMA and he will finally give me a divorce. (Yeah, right.)

I'm done being pessimisstic... as much as I can be. It's taking a toll on my relationship, and I don't want that to happen anymore. Just because other things failed in the past doesn't mean this will too. If I expect failure, it will happen, so I just have to have a good out look on things. Besides, SL has never done anything to show me that this will fail. Despite the lies, at least he had the balls to tell me about it... He could have held onto those lies for the rest of our lives and I would have found out some other way, which would be way worse than finding out directly from him. Plus he's still young yet, and our relationship is still new, so there is plenty of time to fix whatever little things happen to be broken before we start this machine running for the long haul.

I'm done with loans/etc. No more "friend" loans, no more check-into-cash, no more anything. I make more than enough money to support myself, I just need to learn to budget better. I never have a problem paying all my bills, in full, on time (well except the ridiculous $611.00 gas bill, but that's a different story), I just don't have much money left over. Now that I don't have Rent-A-Center to pay anymore and I'm not going to have to pay back any pay advance places, I'll be golden.


Anyway.
Last night I went to Rosie's with RE(D)B and her husband. Zara has the show there on Mondays still, though we're not sure for how long yet because the manager is not the nicest fellow in the world. He's gone through KJ's like it was his job... yeah. We had a pretty good time, although they're normal people, RE(D)B and her hub, and I think I kept them out a bit late for their routine. *wink* Not everyone can party hardy all night long like I can, but I commend them for that. I wish I could fall asleep at a regular time! They bought me a couple beers, which I only later remembered that I've given up beer for Lent (yes, we're trying it again) and that was cool. RE(D)B sang "The Rose" and I was proud of her for getting up there alone and doing it because I know she's not all that keen on singing alone. She sang it well and in fact I was a trifle choked up by it. I sang a bunch of songs, "Somewhere Only We Know" (Keane), a Buster "You Had Me" (Joss Stone), "Broken Wing" (Martina McBride), and "At Last" (Etta James.) Whoever it was that said once that I'm "mediocre" or "moderately good" needs to have their ears cleaned, because I fuckin' rocked. "You Had Me" wasn't 100% awesome, but that's okay because I have never sang it before and I just need to practice. I wasn't off key or whathaveyou, I just had a bit of trouble keeping up with the tempo because I don't know all the words by heart yet. Next time though, I will rock out like a rockstar. Oh yeah.

Oh, and FYI I call RE(D)B with the (D) because it's still hard for me to think of her being REB, which is her married name. I've known her for almost ten years now, and for most of that time she was RED, so... that's all. Maybe someday I'll get used to it... I hope so, cuz her husband is swell.

Later.

Lazy Alcoholic Homosexual V

This is a new story, happened as of last night.

MMA finally called me Monday, as I mentioned in an earlier post. I couldn't believe it, he was being friendly. I decided to return the friendliness, and hope that it would make the divorce go smoother, especially since he said he would give me some money. So we went to karaoke last night... it was fine. He looks exactly the same, I, however, am hotter than ever. Thank you. He was cool and un-dramatic, and I was the same. It was well and good til he did an asshole-ish thing, which was randomly disappear, and when I called to see where he had gone, he said he was getting cigarettes, and would come back. He never came back. I was irritated, but whatever. He's not my problem, I just thought that was rude. Oh well.

So, it seems that men are pigs. I think O has several girlfriends, and I fear he may be one big player. I witnessed him making a phone call and it reminded me so much of the phone calls I have with SL every night.

"Hey Baby."
"Yeah, I'm just going home and going to bed, I have to be up early in the morning."
"I'd like to come over but I just can't. I'm sorry."
"I'll catch up with you tomorrow. Later."

Now the SL version.

"Hey Baby."
"I'm at Colt's right now."
"I'll call you back, we have to go pick up this kid."
an hour later...
"Hey Baby."
"I'm just hanging out with Randy. No, I haven't seen Colt in a few days."
"I gotta go, they just got home."
later that evening...
"Hey Baby."
"I'm so tired, I'm gonna go to bed."
"Love you too."

Oh well. He'll be moving here soon and then I won't have to worry about his girlfriend(s.)

I'm not the one who's so far away

Well this week has been boring.

Sunday, went to the Clarmont for my mom's birthday. It was alright. I ate all my food except I didn't eat the skin of my baked potatoe. I couldn't believe I ate that much - a salad, some bread, a 12 ox filet mignon, the inside of a potatoe, and a teeny piece of cake. It was crazy good. Sunday night I picked up O and his brother, and we went to karaoke. It was boring. We left around midnight.

Monday was fine. I went to SS/Jms house and it was fun. I got a little high but I didn't want to show it too much because I know they do it all the time and I didn't want to look uncool. I haven't smoked in like a year though, except for once at KP's with T and he had a peach flavored whatchacallit and I had to try that. It was weird.

Tuesday GG and I had this fight, but it's over now. Tuesday night I picked O up from work and we went to Brewstirs. Cat bought us a bunch of shots but I wasn't drunk. We talked to some folks from Atlanta, they were nice. Then we went to the Hot Spot and a few minutes after walking in I thought I was going to die. My muscles felt all funky, my head hurt so bad, I couldn't look at any light, and I almost passed out while I was singing my song. It was terrible. I thought I was drunk but then I realised that I hadn't had enough alcohol to be drunk. I called SL when I left and I seriously thought I was going to keel over and die while I was driving. Luckily I made it home, and everything was good once I was breathing normal air.

Last night GMc was supposed to come over but he didn't show up til 22:00 and I was upstairs and didn't hear him knock. He was only two hours late. I pretty much laid around all night because I was just feeling bummed.

So guess who has been calling me all week? MMA. He apologised for being a dick and apologised for avoiding me and apologised for being a drunk while we were married. I almost fell out of my chair. He said he's gonna give me a couple hundred bucks, so I hope that's true.

My birthday is soon!!

Lazy Alcoholic Homosexual IV *or* The Wind Beneath My Wings

So it had gotten to the point where MMA and I are fighting every night. We fought over stupid shit, like who got the last beer, and we fought over totally ridiculous shit, like the Arab furniture entities that my former co-worker Trillia said were haunting our house. MMA constantly accused me of being crazy. I was crazy because I freaked out when we were in BFE Canada and had no Canadian money. I was crazy because I took Prozac. I was crazy because I took birth control pills. Anything I did that he didn't like or agree with or had never experienced, was crazy. We would start drinking, and get into these stupid song wars. We sat in the basement and listened to songs, and then a fight would ensue. He'd take off his wedding ring and tell me he was going to leave me (later he called this practice "tough love".) He would play a song telling me why. I would play one back. It would go on for hours. Sometimes I would try to break the anger by playing a nicer song, to try to make up. One night I made the mistake of playing "Wind Beneath My Wings."
That song was my thought of Megan. She was always there for me, always supporting me, but never asked for anything in return. I cried when the song was playing, and I called her to apologize for being such a bitch when MMA and I had been in Michigan. This pissed MMA off. He started screaming at me, telling me that this was the proof that she and I had been lovers. He even called his sister and brother and his step-father to tell them that he had heard the truth. I tried to explain to him what it really meant, but of course he wouldn't listen. It escalated into a huge fight and I think that was the first of thirteen times in the course of one year that I had to call the CPD to come to my house. He tackled me in the bedroom when I was trying to get away from him, and beat me on my back with the phone, unaware that 9-1-1 was on the line. They showed up and told us to stay away from each other, but didn't do anything else about it.

I can't listen to that song anymore without tearing up. It used to be one of my favorites.

Pools of sorrow, waves of joy.

I'm so strung out I feel as if I have done about twelve lines of cocaine in an hour. However, the last time I even looked at coke was July 23rd 2005, so I know it can't be true. But I have the tickly head feeling, the hyper yet exhausted thing, the need to eat without the feeling of hunger. I'm not even ON anything!! Goddamnit.

I talked to MMA yesterday. He says he won't contest anything. This is good. However he is currently technically homeless because his girlfriend of seven months left him this week and he was living with her. So I don't know where to send his papers to be served. Oh well. We'll figure it out. He was actually civil, I appreciated catching him in an emotionally raw state of being.

Tonight I went to see O's band play at Eldo's. It was fuckin' great. I have a headache now though because I was sitting right in front of the speakers. That was sucky but I took like 953 pictures so those will be up on Monday. (I know I still need to put the other ones up, sorry.) I met O's little brother and Lady K showed up too, plus a few other folks. It was a fun time. I had a Bloody Mary made by John and a Harpoon Ale.

My head is killing me but I can't sleep. I almost feel like puking from this pain. I've had this headache since Thursday night. I don't know what it is. I'm thinking it may be the fact that I have gone out the last few nights, and I end up smoking a lot, whereas during the day I'm really barely smoking at all, and this causes a sort of nicotine hangover. Who knows. I'm tired of smoking cigarettes though. Today was the first day in about eight years that I have actually had the thought pass through my head "I want to smoke a joint" and it was weird because I never smoke pot and I don't like it really and I always turn it down. Oh well.

SL and I finally had the big serious conversation about who is going to move where, and I think we have it figured out. He will move here with me, because I have a job and a career and a life and everything already set up, and he doesn't really have any of that. We will live in Ohio for about a year, maybe more or less (depends on my lease term) and save our money and then move to New Jersey in 2007. It's better than me uprooting my whole life to move to Florida for a year and then move to Jersey in 2007. Why move twice if there is no reason? This all works out quite well and I am thrilled. SL seems to be too. He keeps talking about when he moves here in April. Hopefully the next plane ticket I buy is a one-way ticket from PBI to CMH! I'm worried though, because he lost his job again (not his fault this time, there was a miscommunication and no one told the upper mgmt that he was taking a vacation and he was marked as "no-show" and was promptly fired upon returning from Jersey.) I trust he will get one when he moves here, but I'm still worried because of what MMA did to me. I don't want to end up supporting another one. I really couldn't deal with that.

Pics soon. Shout out to Barbie for donating $1.00 to the Divorce Fund if I haven't already mentioned it. I only need $899.33 more to get the lawyer! Come on loyal readers! ;)

Late. Kel.

PS- I have this song in my head so here are the lyrics:

"Insensitive"

How do you cool your lips
After a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound of a voice
You’d know anywhere

(chorus)
Oh I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me you might have some advice to give
On how to be insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart it’s a crime
To fall in love again

Oh you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of vogue, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have some advice to give
On how to be insensitive

(chorus)

Because Reason Says...

"Look - I find some of what you teach suspect, Because I'm used to relying on intellect; But I try to open up to what I don't know... Because reason says I should have died Three years ago... No other road, No other way, No day but today..."

Today officially marks the 3rd anniversary of me still being alive. Go me, I rule. It's also my mom's 5Xth birthday.

In 2003 my marriage was just falling apart. We hadn't even been married one year yet and I was already trying to think of ways to leave him. I had just started a new job at Jericho Mortgage Company (yes, the famous one.) I loved the job, even though the pay wasn't awesome but I sure wasn't going to complain because I had just lost my job with Countrywide. My boss was a guy in his mid-40's, ugly as sin, but very nice and very rich. Within a week, MMA accused me of having an affair with him.

Of course, like always, MMA had been up all night drinking but I was fairly sober by the time we started fighting because I had drank a bottle of wine and didn't want to open another. He on the other hand kept drinking beer after beer. It all started when I told him that he needed to stop drinking that night because he was already trashed and I poured one beer out. He lunged at me and I missed and he hit the counter, which pissed him off. We ended up in the living room at six o'clock in the morning screaming and yelling. Finally he called his sister and she came to rescue him and the dog. I threw our wedding photo at him, I threw the phone at him, I threw bottles and books and shoes and even our framed marriage license at him. I hated him.

I went upstairs and downed a 150 count bottle of extra strength Tylenol, five at time. It took about forty minutes because by the time I was on the last 15-20, my stomach was starting to get full. Of course I didn't swallow them with water, I used a large jug of Carlo Rossi Cabernet Sauvignon (the one that's bigger than a gallon.) When that was said and done, I waited about fifteen minutes and swallowed a bottle of Nyquil. I didn't think it would kill me, but I wanted out of this life and if I could at least be braindead, I would be happy. I attempted to slit my wrist but the thought of blood almost made me vomit and I didn't want that to happen so I stopped that attempt. Plus, it seemed like overkill (no pun intended.)
Around eight thirty, I called my friend RMac and told her I was having a bad day and that I loved her. Apparently she sensed something in my voice because after I hung up she called back a few times but I didn't answer because I was busy calling my mom, my friend JAFH, my old boss (strange reason for that but it meant something), and MMA's sister and mom's houses. I talked to everyone except MMA's family, I just left them messages.

I guess I passed out around eight forty five because I woke up being carried down the stairs in a blanket by the EMTs and the one closest to my eye had a watch that said 09:04. They carried me to the ambulance under the watch of the CPD, and when they laid me down and hooked me up they only realised I was conscious when I moved so they couldn't put a needle in my arm. They said that I was lucky that the CPD had decided to not press charges on me. I didn't know you could be arrested for attempting to commit suicide, but apparently you can. On the way to the hospital I floated in and out of consciousness, and the only thing I really remember is seeing my ex-boss's SUV parked in the cul-de-sac and he was running after the ambulance.

I woke up again in the hospital and my mom and RMac were there with a male nurse who strongly resembled my brother-in-law. He made them leave, and tried to get me to drink a cup of liquid charcoal. I got the first swallow down, but I couldn't get the second and yakked into a square bucket thing (whatever they're called, bedpans or something.) The nurse said that the only other option was to put a tube through my nose, down my throat and into my stomach. I told him that there was no way I could drink that crap, so I accepted the tube. I had to sign a release to let them do it. The tube was as big around as a coffee stirrer or a teeny little straw, not very big at all. It was fine going in my nose but once it hit the back of my throat it was yak city in there. Finally, it was over and the tube was all the way in my stomach. They hooked me up to a machine and pumped me full of charcoal liquid. I drifted in and out of consciousness for the next eight or nine hours. My ex-boss's wife came to visit me and talk to me about alcoholism, and tell me that if my husband was beating me she could help me with it. Neither one applied but I appreciated her kindness. When I finally came to and the staff did all their tests, they determined I was physically sound and I was given a psych evaluation.
This older lady came in and asked me a series of questions, and determined that I had had a nervous break down. I was told that I was being "asked" to report to NetCare for a mental health analysis, and if I didn't go within three days I would be arrested. They had a van waiting to take me, and I went. MMA had shown up at the hospital by then and went with me. The woman I talked to at NetCare said that she could tell it was my marriage that was destroying my mental health and advised me to get personal and marriage counseling. When I told this to MMA on the way home he flipped out, saying that I was the crazy one, not him, and we got into another fight, just fifteen hours after I had tried to kill myself.

If I had died that day, I would have been happy. Now that I have this life that I'm living at this very moment, I look back and feel sad that I feel/felt that way. I wouldn't give up anything for my family, my friends, SL, my job even... Sometimes I do wish still that I had died, to save me from this constant pain that I still feel because of MMA. Then I think about the good things I have - I have my family back, I have some great friends, I have SL who loves me very much. It's not worth it anymore.

I guess I was meant to be here, wherever it is that I am.

I'm Desperate

...and I'm not above asking for help.

There is no possible way I can afford to save my money to both get a divorce and move away from Ohio... so...

Kelly's Divorce Fund

I appreciate everything, I highly doubt I'll get anything from anyone, but hey, every single cent will help. A retainer for a lawyer costs at least $1,100.00 US Dollars, and moving could cost me $5,000.00. This will be difficult, but if I can get help, I will be eternally grateful and I PROMISE this money will go towards nothing but the divorce. Seriously. I'll even send you a copy of the divorce papers if you donate!

Lazy Alcoholic Homosexual II

So, where did I leave off? Oh, yes it was April 18th, 2002, and MMA and I had just gotten verbally engaged. It was about 3 a.m. and I immediately went upstairs to wake Megan up to tell her the good news. I was fucking thrilled. She groggily woke up and hugged me, and we went down to the basement to sit and drink a beer with MMA and smoke a cigarette. Megan stayed up for a little while with us and then went back to bed. MMA and I chilled for awhile, had a few more beers (okay, after that we got trashed.) Suddenly MMA goes into the bathroom and starts puking his guts out. I'm like "What the fuck?" because he hadn't had that many beers - I think we had about six or eight each, and we weren't terribly drunk either, just blah drunk. I did something for him that I had never done for anyone in my life... I rubbed his back and patted a cold wet paper towel on his forehead, while he puked. Anyone who knows me knows that I cannot stand the sound of puking. I don't mind the sight of it too much, I still mind it but not so much, but it's really the sound of that wrong-way moving throat muscles that really get to me. I was so nice to MMA... We went to bed and everything was great.
The next day we went to the mall to pick out rings. I had a Zale's credit card from when I was engaged to Cowboy, and figured we could use that to get the rings. MMA said he felt bad having me put them on my card, but he would save up the money and pay me back as soon as possible. He was only a waiter at this point in time, but he was working on getting his websites back up and that would bring lots of money in, no problem. I didn't see a problem with this, since the rings were going on a credit card anyway, which gave me time to pay them off. The girl at the store said the rings would be in by Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002. If only I knew what was to come along with those tiny bands of white gold.

Lazy Alcoholic Homosexual

Oh, I forgot to mention that Fuzz and I made up on Sunday. I sang "Runaway" and he cried.

So yesterday was my husband's 24th birthday. I called and left him a message (a nice one!) and said "Hi, it's your wife, I was just calling to wish you a happy 24th birthday and inquire as to when I would be getting my divorce." Of course, I got no answer back. So, I wrote his step-father this email, and copied it to my parents and my mother-in-law and my husband:

"Hi Kevin,
I apologize first off for emailing you at your company address, however, I have no other address for you.
Today is my husband's 24th birthday - yes, that's right, I said husband. In about seven months, we will have been married for four years (in case you forgot, the anniversary is May 3rd.) I have done everything I can to end this marriage legally - I have given Matt over $200 to file, I have had forms ready for him to fill out and sign, and I have given him the opportunity to do it his way. Frankly, I'm tired of waiting. I need to move on with my life without him weighing me down. I don't know why he refuses to divorce me - if he thinks that he is going to get alimony, not happening - we weren't married long enough. If he thinks he's going to get any sort of money from me, also not happening - he already forfeited his rights (i.e., signed away on a legal document) to my 401(k) and I don't own anything else (not even my car.) There is absolutely no reason why he should be hanging on to this marriage! I'm not sure if he uses it as a sympathy thing to try and get chicks or what, but it's really furthering the ruination of my life. I have to claim a different status on my taxes, which makes filing a pain, I have to mark "Married" on every application I fill out, every person I meet and try to date quickly goes away because they know I'm still bogged down by this situation, etc. etc. etc. I can't stand this anymore. I have tried to contact Matt via phone and he either doesn't answer or does answer and then hangs up on me mid sentence. This morning I left him a very nice message (honestly - I have a witness) wishing him "Happy 24th Birthday" and inquiring as to when I would be receiving my divorce.
I heard a rumour that you wanted me to sign the Hyundai over to Niccole when you're done paying it off. I also heard that I would get a divorce in return. Well, maybe the three of you should think about that and convince your son to finally leave me alone if you really want me to help you out. If I don't get a divorce, there is absolutely no chance of me signing anything over to anyone. Wouldn't you hate for all that money you put into the car to just go down the drain because your son is an irresponsible "adult"? Every time I talk to Matt he says he cannot afford a divorce because of "money", yet I have (as I stated earlier) given him enough money to cover more than three quarters of the cost of the fees. I'm sure he spent that on alcohol though, as usual (I, on the other hand, have stopped drinking.) I'm tired of being nice, I'm tired of sitting around and waiting for him to take action. He claims that I threaten him, that I'm insane, that I causes trouble in his life. Even though these are blatant lies, if he feels they are true, that should be all the more reason to divorce me and get me out of his life.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and as you can see, I have copied it to my parents, Paula, and Matt. Everyone will be in "the loop" so no one can point their fingers at me and claim that I am being a threat or whatever you people have claimed in the past, and you cannot change what I have written and try to send it to my parents trying to tell them that I said this, that or the other thing.Have a wonderful evening.
Kelly"

Last night I got a phone call from my mom telling me I need to stop threatening them with the Hyundai thing. I wasn't threatening. I was simply telling them that if they didn't hold up their part of the bargain, neither would I. I got this response from my mother-in-law this morning:

"Hi Kelly,
Paula here. Now, your threat about keeping the Hyundai after WE paid for it is NOT going to happen. The agreement is between your parents and us and if we have to get our attorney involved, we will. Matt has a successful computer job with a big company and also in the last two weeks worked an additional 80 hours at a pizza place. He has gotten his life straightened around, but I can do just so much as he is an adult, like you and leads his own life. I thought this whole divorce thing was finished, since Kevin bought the legal papers, made copies and gave one each to you and Matt. I understand your frustration and will bring this up to him the next time I see him, which because of his busy schedule, isn’t often. You and I have always gotten along, so let’s not ruin it by trying to hold the title of the car that will be legally ours in a few months over our heads, okay?
Matt doesn’t want or need your money, so I don’t know what the holdup is. As I said, I will try and talk to him about it, so you both can get on with your lives. I wish you the best, am glad that you have stopped drinking and hope that you have stopped taking drugs also…they lead to trouble. Take care and please stop trying to hold the title of the Hyundai over our heads . . . we have lived up to our responsibility as to making the payments and there are laws against someone else trying to take things that they have not paid for. Good luck Kelly.
Sincerely,
Paula"

Too bad my name is on the title and they never signed a contract with me. They did, a long time ago, but it's null and void now that they signed the contract with my parents... I replied to this:

"Paula,
I wasn't threatening anything with the car. I'm sorry it came across that way, but I was under the impression that you had proposed that if I signed over the title then you would have Matt finally give me a divorce. Apparently this is just another figment of my imagination, much like the divorce papers that Kevin supposedly dropped off. I haven't seen Kevin since February when he came to my office so I could sign the power of attorney for the license plates. If Kevin did not give those papers directly to me, then I would like to know who he gave them to so I can get ahold of that person and see why they never gave them to me. The only reason why I wrote Kevin the email yesterday is because I am moving on with my life, and I have been trying to get ahold of Matt for several weeks. He doesn't answer his phone, and if he does answer he hangs up on me, he doesn't respond to emails, nothing. He may be 24 years old but he is not acting like an adult. I've done everything I can and I thought maybe since he used to listen to you sometimes you'd be able to help me, but apparently that isn't the case. I'm not glad to hear that he has turned his life around, I'd much rather he be wallowing in the pitiful state I left him in, but I suppose it's good to hear that he has. I've been the better person in this situation, I've never tried to harm him or anything else (in fact, he was the one who tried to reconcile the whole thing last summer, but I'm sure he never told you that.) At least now that you've told me he is working (shock) then he can afford to pay for the divorce. He can't use the excuse that he's poor and living off Lynn Sr. (like he always has, right up until last week) because he has a computer job and a pizza job. Wonderful. Tell him to pony up the dough and get this over with. I'm not contributing one more cent to this divorce. I paid for enough while we were married. You and Niccole and Bobby and Lynn weren't the only ones who supported his alcoholism while we were married - I worked five different jobs while we were married, and the only time I didn't work was in the beginning. I've been at this job for almost two years now. Amazing, I can keep a job now that I'm not with Matt! I don't have him calling and creating problems, I don't have him showing up and making scenes!
You know, the worst part about this is that he lies to everyone. No one will ever know what actually went on in our house for those two years. I can talk til I'm blue in the face trying to get you and my parents and everyone else to understand what he did to me, but it would get me nowhere.
Just like this letter I suppose."

I don't think I've ever talked about my marriage before. Maybe now is the time. This will be a long post.

I met my husband on matchdoctor.com and one night (April 16th, 2002) we talked on the phone for about seven hours. It was wonderful. We hit it off right away. The next day (April 17th, 2002) he came over and I made dinner. I had just bought my condo and was living with my best friend, Megan. The three of us had dinner and then MMA and I hung out for awhile. I had promised I would take Megan out to Hilliard to see her parents, so the three of us headed out there. We had a wonderful evening, and I thought MMA was going to spend the night, but as we were falling asleep he says, "Oh, shit, I have to take Niccole to work in the morning" and left. I thought that was the end of it, because he hadn't mentioned anyone named Niccole and I assumed that it was a wife or girlfriend. (It turned out she was his sister.) The next day I took SK to see "The Scorpion King" and when I got home there was a note and a rose on the front door that said, "Sorry I ran out last night, had to take my sister to work, call you later." So I called him and he came over. We had dinner, and just chilled in the basement, and drank some beers. He said to me, "I told Niccole today that if I could marry you tomorrow, I would." So we got engaged on April 18th, 2002.

More later.

Seems to me that "maybe" pretty much always means "no."

Tuesday I went to the prosecutor's office to file charges against TM for menacing, and felony charges against him for the stuff he stole from me. It was a three hour ordeal, not very exciting and quite mentally taxing. I talked to Yo when I was done and we decided that she would stay with me for a little while til she can get back on her feet.

I went to Zuey's because I needed to drink, not to mention that Tuesday was my third wedding anniversary and I was quite upset about that. I started talking to this boy, N, and realized after a few minutes that I had met him last summer. That time he was drunk and had long hair. He was quite irritating to talk to, so I gave him a fake phone number. I was fairly nice though, and gave him a hug goodbye, but then he tried to kiss me. I never thought of him again. It was pretty funny how he happened to be that same guy - he vaguely remembered me too, which made me feel kinda special. He said he had thought of me a few times and wondered when he might run back into me. So N and I are talking, really hitting it off, and Sh* comes in. We are all talking, and Sh* mentions SB. I was like, "Sh*, can you do me a favor - can you please get my DVD back from him?! I have left messages, I have told him I don't want to fuck him, I don't care to talk to him, etc. and he never calls me back." N looks at me and he's like, "I can get your movie back." So I ask him if he knows SB.

"He's my brother."

Oh shit. I have thus dug myself into a 12 foot hole and jumped in with both feet in my mouth. N has just become NB.

I vowed to not talk until 1 a.m. It was only 19 minutes from when I made the vow, but I didn't talk to anyone but E, GG, and DG. Following is the conversation that NB and I had on a small bar napkin while waiting for 1 a.m. to arrive:

K: So what is your favorite movie?
N: Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
K: Mine's American Psycho.
K: Choose between: shot of vodka and everyone dies or shot to your head and no one dies?
N: Gimme the shot of vodka, I'm not ready to die yet. You?
K: Same. Let's fuck and repopulate. :)
N: Sounds Good. Your place? :)
K: Well I guess, cuz it's closer. If you're still down w/me.
N: I'm game.
K: Nice. Good to see that my hole was not that deep... that sounded bad...well let me finish my beer at least *wink*
N: That works for me.
K: Cool. And you don't even have to be my boyfriend. Yippy.
N: That's cool. No expectations that way.
K: Well ya know, wouldn't wanna talk shit about you or somethin'. But if you're good I'm gonna want more. Be forewarned.
N: No problem there.
K: Haha FYI I didn't shave cuz I didn't plan on getting fucked tonight. Not a lesbian <-----
N: We can fix that. :)
K: Planning on showering with me? By the way, I'm saving this note for our grandkids. (Kiddin')
N: I'm game for that.
K: Yay! Babies! Oh wait. You meant showering... crikey. I'm almost done - you?
N: Ready when you are.

We left and went back to my house, and upon entering my bedroom, we sat on the bed. NB and I proceeded to have one of the best conversations I have had in a long, long time. We did get intimate, and he was really REALLY good. The only thing that was not-so-awesome was that he left gigantic hickeys on both sides of my neck. We had more conversation after that. After a little while we tried to do it again, but we were both pretty tired and it was almost five a.m. so we cuddled up and talked some more, and fell asleep. I slept so soundly in his arms, it was amazing. When I woke up and the alarm was going off, I noticed that he and I had slept in the exact same cuddling position all night long. I was shocked - that has never happened to me before! I showered and he showered and we left, talking a little bit in the parking lot. He gave me his number (for the second time in a year!) and kissed me goodbye. *sigh*

Wednesday I went to Zuey's and hung out with GG a little bit, but mostly with Z and L. I also talked to J*R and TS a little, who brought their friend R with them. J*R was completley fucked up. TS and R were just drunk. Apparently they had taken about six somas each - bad idea to mix those with beer! They left, and about 10 minutes after they had gone, TS called me up and said that they had dropped J*R off and he and R wanted me to come down to TS's so they could double team me. I was up for that, but not willing because I didn't feel like driving to TS's, they were drunk, and I was interested in sleeping with Z that night. Z and I left around 2 a.m., and tried to go to Taco Bell but it was closed. I'm not going to go into details about Z, but let's just say that he was very weird. Very... dominating, but not in a "telling me what to do" way, more of a "I'm the man and you'll do as I say" kinda way. Very weird. He is very good at cuddling though... not as good as NB, but I'm biased.

After Z left, I called NBwhile he was at work. We talked for almost an hour, and had a real conversation. I like him a lot, but I'm trying not to because he has a five year old son in Texas and he is planning on moving back there soon to be with him. I shouldn't be upset or jealous about that because, well, it's his child. But I am. We made tentative plans for Saturday for dinner cooked by me because he likes to eat Pasta and I like to cook it.

Last night GG and I went to Jersey Mike's for dinner and then to Eldo's for karaoke for Cinco de Mayo. It was pretty fun and we got to sing a lot, and Moose was there. CCC showed up later at the end of the night. DS showed up too and he had just had Lasik Eye Surgery. I spent $23 and felt pretty good. I'm trying to cut down on my spending because it is hard to make it from check to check, and I don't know why. I only spend about $20-30 each time I go out. Oh well. Sunday is Mother's Day, how thrilling. I'm not looking forward to going to Cleveland, but I know it's the nice thing to do.

Late,
Kel

You don't know how sick you make me - you making me fucking sick to my stomach...

... Everytime I think of you, I puke.

Well I am still not divorced. Almost a year and nothing. I hate Matt.

I got a tattoo on Friday. Yay! It's two flowers intertwined with the name "Scott" underneath it - and just so you all know, it's for SK my BROTHER, not SB the former fuck buddy.

I'm on yahoo! messenger with MMA right now, so I'll write more tomorrow.

Late,
Kel

PS- Wednesday, Zuey's, sometime between 9 and 10 pm I will be getting drunk. Be there or be square.