Diastasis Recti is Not What it Sounds Like

Warning: Gross Stuff to Follow.

When I was getting my pregnancy massages, the LMT warned me that my abdominal muscles might separate.  Well, what he should have said was "your abdominal muscles will separate" because that is exactly what has happened.  Between my huge son (8.75 lbs) and C-Section to remove said giant son, combined with massive infection and already being overweight, I was doomed.  The baby stretched the fascia around my ab muscles and the C-Section sliced through my lower muscles (about five layers!).  After all that, my abdomen filled with fluid and the whole thing was stretched back out, and it was full of over a liter of fluid which weighed it down.  So here I am with a saggy abdomen filled with infectious fluid - yum.  After my six days in the hospital (a week after I came home with 4L), I had a huge hole in my abdomen, wasn't allowed to move (ok, I could move, but I wasn't really supposed to do much & definitely not allowed to lift anything other than the baby!), and my fat ass has a stupid pooch.  But it's not really a pooch - it's a pouch - and I'm thinking "Fuck man, there is NO exercise I'll be able to do anytime soon to get rid of this bullshit."  Come to find out, there is no exercise I'll ever be able to do to get rid of my stretched out pouchy abdomen - once the muscles stretch and separate from the  fascia, that's it.  The only way to fix it is with a tummy tuck.

Wanna donate?  You can just send money through PayPal to rock.kowgurl@gmail.com!  I only need $4,000 so if I can get 40 people to donate $100 or 400 to donate $10 or even 1000 to donate $4, that would be awesome!

Ok, time for a nap.

12:34am, please bite me.

I hate not being able to sleep, especially these days when 4L's sleeping is barely "normal" and I have to squeeze every last second in that I can.  That being said, all I can think about is stupid stuff, random stuff, and baby stuff.  So, to try and alleviate my pain, I am just going to write it all down and see if that helps.

1) Why does my tummy hurt?

A) Probably because you've been eating so much fiber and whole peanuts, you fool.  Drink more water!

2) Where are my boxes of checks?

A) I'll tell you where they aren't - in any of the drawers you already checked three times.  They're probably in that box in the front closet that Poke got down from the top shelf the other day when you were looking for whatever you were looking for then.  They're here somewhere, don't worry.

3) Why do I keep having to pee?

A) Because you are dehydrated.  You drank yourself silly on Yuenglings Sunday night, barely moved yesterday, and all you drank was Kool-Aid and Coca-Cola.  Drink more water!

4) Is 4L still breathing?

A) Yes.  He's on his back, unwrapped, with no animals, pillows, or blankets in the crib to smother him.  God forbid anything should happen, you've done everything right and it's out of your control.  Don't worry though, he'll be up in about 2 or 3 hours anyway.

Alright, that didn't really help.  Now I'm just awake and still thinking about the same stuff.  I guess I'll pick a VHS Disney movie to watch and hope that it puts me to sleep...

It's Official!

I have made the commitment to be a real-live Tupperware Lady.  All it took was $5 down (the last $114.99 to be paid within 30 days) and I've already earned a profit from the party I had tonight!  Sweet!  I think this will be the perfect job as a SAHM because I can work around Poke and 4L's schedules and as often or as little as I want to.  Spectacular!

Judge Not, Lest Ye be Judged.

I want to address something kinda quickly.  I'll try and make this to the point.

• If you don't like what I write, don't read it.
• If you don't like what I say about someone, 1) don't read it or, even better, 2) think about what I am saying and figure out if there might be some truth to it.  After all, these are my opinions on my life*.
• If you don't agree with what I write, 1) don't read it, or, even better, feel free to use that brain God gave you and have an adult discussion about the subject.

Nobody is forcing to you to read this blog.

Hope that clears things up!

*You have no idea what it's like to live my life.  You are not me and you never will be.  You have not experienced what I have experienced, you have not dealt with what I have encountered.

Freakin' Irritated.

So, if any of you have bothered to read the history on/of this blog, you might recall that once upon a time I was a rich mortgage broker.  Then, in May 2007, I was laid off.  After working a series of shitty temp jobs, I decided it was time to do something with my life, and if I was going to start anew I should do something I loved and enjoyed.  Thus, culinary school, where I earned a 3.89 cumulative GPA, an Associate of Applied Sciences in Culinary Arts degree, and amassed over $60,000 worth of debt.  Since my externship (March 2009-July 2009), I have had four jobs.  

First the externship, at an assisted living facility ($10/hr), with a brand-new-to-the-position Executive Chef who had to flex her Dietary Services Coordinator muscle to prove she could do the job and henceforth wrote me up six times in one week and put me on the edge of being fired.  Before that could happen, I got a job as the Gourmet Chef Manager at a grocery store ($12.30/hr).  

I LOVED this job.  The problem was, a coworker had wanted my position and was literally out to get me - not just ME, but another guy and another chick who had also been the Chef there.  She lied to an "authority" and I was put on suspension without pay.  After an investigation, it was proven that I had NOT done what she said I did, yay HACCP and CAMERAS (dumb bitch), but at that point I had already found another job as a Chef at a Winery ($10/hr).  

I literally did EVERYTHING at the Winery, for peanuts, and was treated like shit by the GM who was a drunken nobody with no restaurant experience (and, for the record, ran the place right into the ground like I said she would - it's not even open anymore!) and so we parted "mutually" due to "lack of business" or whatever.  

Next I got a job at a catering company ($10/hr), not like weddings and parties but businesses.  I had to drive either 50 minutes to Groveport or 65 minutes to Newark for work every day at 7am, so basically 50% of my paycheck went directly to gasoline for my car.  I was hired to be the "Catering Chef ", they even went so far as to do a hair drug test, and was told I'd be taking over all the catering jobs.  Within two weeks I realized I'd be had, and in reality I was this bitch's bitch and my title may as well have been "salad maker" because that's about all I fucking did besides run around and do her bidding.  On top of that, I was sexually harassed by one of their account managers, but he said that if I told anyone he would get me fired (When he told me that, I was still new and couldn't afford to lose my job; Now I wish I'd turned him in and made him pay. Literally.)  

So I finally got the job at this retirement community ($12/hr) and it seemed like my actual dream job.  The pay was low for the work, but I was happy to have something I liked that was close to home.  That happiness lasted about a week - first, I was bullied by a male coworker who ended up being a rapist (he's currently in prison), then I was treated like a child and told I was no good by a 20 year old punk (who was the mother of a 4 year old and whose baby daddy is currently at FCCC), then I was tortured by another male coworker who finally got fired when he came to work under the influence of drugs & alcohol.  After all that my chef had the nerve to tell me that I was the problem, when we found ourselves in yet another closed-door meeting.  This time it was in regards to my supervisor, a 14-year employee, a black "christian" woman.  She was(is) incredibly racist, with the list going like this from "good" to "bad": black females, black males, white males, white females, all Africans.  We might even be under the Africans, I'm not 100% sure.  This woman tortured me, literally, from November til July when I finally went on maternity leave.  You might remember me talking about Karla from school, well, this sprvsr was ten times worse than Karla ever was.  For a christian, she was a horrible person.  She eventually lied the right way and got to write me up, twice, for things that she claimed I did - she claimed I didn't cook these ribs, but, had I not cooked the ribs, the residents would have had nothing to eat.  She didn't even try to make it realistic, and when I look back now, I laugh.  Unfortunately her actions plus my complaining on Facebook (what I said was "I wonder if there is a coalition for black sprvsr on white pregnant employee bullying" and somehow that's harassment?) got me a year probation - the day before I went on maternity leave - and they expected me to come back?  Right.  I would have come back if she'd have left or if we truly could not afford for me to stay home.  I'm not going to subject my infant son to my drunkenness due to the inability to function because I am being beaten mentally and emotionally on a daily basis.  No sir.

Now that you know all that, maybe you can figure out why I can't pay my student loans?  No?  Ok, well it's because I haven't had steady employment - a month off from March 2010 to April 2010, then again from May 2010 to June 2010 - really fucked up my finances.  My loans started coming due in January 2010 and as mentioned in the previous post, I was already unable to pay them and things never got any better.

At this point, I'm out of ideas.  I've contacted Sallie Mae over a hundred times to try and consolidate or get a lower payment or something - anything - and they simply will not work with us.  My friend's aunt keeps telling me on fb that I'm bragging about not paying them, that it's not fair for me to get a free education, and so on.  Clearly she doesn't understand how un-awesome it is to be $60,000 in debt with nothing to show for it.

Aunt: what is sad about this if every keeps not paying then they will stop the loans and some one who really wants it won't be able to go....Kelly I don't think this is anything to be proud about...:^(
Poke: People will always be able to get student loans, as long as there's a Phoenix facility somewhere in your state
Aunt: again don't think it is right to go to school and JUST don't pay....not fair...just saying
Me: So are you saying that I didn't really want it? That I chose to go to college seven years after graduating from high school, put my entire life on hold to obtain this degree, worked my ass off to get a 4.0 and make honors the entire time just so I could NOT pay my student loans back? Do you think, Aunt, that I planned for things to go the way they did after I graduated? To be raped by my employers, lied to, not paid, and not to mention laid off? To be lied to by Bradford, who told me that they would help me not only to find a job FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE but also that they would help me with financial issues as well? Do you think that I haven't been on the phone with Sallie Mae three or four or five times a WEEK for almost TWO YEARS trying to consolidate or get lower payments or whatever so that I COULD pay them back? IF I had known this was how it would be, I NEVER WOULD HAVE GONE TO COLLEGE. I would have continued in the mortgage business and worked those shitty temp jobs instead of trying to better myself and my life. In trying to do so, I have actually ruined my life. So if you think that I'm PROUD to be part of a HUGE problem, you couldn't be further from the truth. Why don't you think about the things you say before you say them? Do you truly think I am proud to have lost everything I had worked for before the age of 22? Proud to be $60,000 in debt with absolutely nothing to show for it? They can have my fucking degree back - even before I became a SAHM it was worthless. Take the degree back and cancel out the loans because I certainly did NOT get what I signed up for. Besides, how do you get that I am "proud" from this photo? Did you ever think that maybe I posted it to show how badly things have gotten? I'm not the only person out there who doesn't/can't/won't pay their student loans. Plenty of people who don't even finish school and get the degree don't bother to pay. Why don't you pick up a copy of this morning's Dispatch so you can read the article associated with this photo instead of just assuming that I'm so proud to be upside down in debt at age 29.
Aunt: sorry I did think before I said something sorry Kelly you have a FREE degree because you are goin to just walk away....sorry that's how I feel....sorry just sometime you brag on face book thay maybe you shouldn't be braging about....just saying....
Me: how am i bragging about this? am i posting things like "i'm awesome cuz i can't pay my bills"? no, i don't think so.

So that's where we are now.

On top of all this stupid debt bullshit rolling around in my head, my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend keeps tagging him in posts about how awesome he is, for example, making her TheraFlu when she was sick.  For some reason I am jealous, probably because I knew that he was the perfect guy but then I fucked it all up and he ended it before it could really go anywhere.  Don't ask how, I don't really want to talk about it, but it had to do with when I was beat up by that girl back in November 2009.  I know that if I had hooked up with him I never would have gotten 4L, and that would be terrible, but I think about all the pain Poke puts me through on a regular basis and I just regret a lot of things.  After all these years of wanting him, of him leaving me so cruelly only to come right back again and then leave once more, I feel sometimes like I forced him to be with me and now that we have 4L, I am stuck.  He tells me weekly that he doesn't love me, that he never loved me, but he also tells me that he loves me on a daily basis.  I don't know what to believe.  He bought me a house, he's great with 4L, and he provides for me/us financially.  Emotionally, romantically, physically, however, he provides either nothing or just hurt.  Even when he tells me he loves me or says nice things to me I can't take him seriously because I know that in a few hours or a few days he'll be telling me how much he despises me.  He needs to see a therapist.

FALL IS FINALLY HERE!

YAY!

I love love love LOVE LOVE fall.  It is definitely my favorite time of year.  Everything about fall is good - pumpkins, rain, apples, falling leaves, changing colors, kids back in school, getting to wear hoodies and sweaters, craft shows... I could go on and on.  The BEST part of fall, tied with the plethora of pumpkin-flavored items, is HALLOWE'EN!  Kids get to dress up scary or funny, grown ups get to dress up scary or slutty, there is so much candy on sale, pumpkins go on parade under the guise of Jack O'Lanterns... It's just amazing.  

Some folks only celebrate Hallowe'en as a secular holiday, but there are lots of people in the world who celebrate it as a religious/spiritual holy/holiday as well.  This is referred to as Samhain (pronounced sau-ehn or saw-in) and is a Gaelic holiday celebrated Oct 31/Nov 1 and marks the end of harvest, transition from light days into dark days, and in some cultures is considered a "New Year" holiday.  The Romans stole, like most holidays, Samhain and made it their own All Saints' Day, November 1st, celebrating the Saints of the Catholic Church.  Mexicans, especially Mexican Catholics, celebrate El Dia de los Muertos on November 1st and 2nd. Overall, fall is a time of year to revel in the changes happening in nature and in ourselves.

I find myself more at peace in the autumn.  Summer is way too hot, I'm always uncomfortable, and then there is the pressure to be barely dressed in public.  Fall brings with it not only hoodies and sweaters, but jeans and sweats (well I suppose yoga pants are more "in" this year!) and jackets to cover up the chubs.  The only part of Fall that I don't like is socks and shoes - I am definitely a sandals-til-there-is-snow kinda girl, however, I despise having wet feet in my flip-flops and that tends to happen with all the rain we get here in Ohio.  Needless to say, I'm becoming accustomed to wearing socks, and today I put my sandals (all four pairs plus Poke's pair) in the bedroom closet.  Now they'll be too far away for me to get them in a snap!

Today I put up all the Hallowe'en decorations, and I'm kinda sad because I thought I had a lot more.  My mom gave me her giant light up cat-in-a-pumpkin and ghost-with-black-cat for the front yard, I have some bats in the window and a handmade scarecrow (my mom's from when I was very young) on the porch.  There are some ooooooohh-eeeeeeee-ooooooh hanging things in the kitchen with a couple of Bud Light bat beads, black candles in the holders and spider votives on the entertainment center, a spooky ceramic ship that I made when I was about 10 yrs old (lights up!), and a one-eyed witch hanging haphazardly from the glass door in front of the dvds.  That might sound like a lot to you, but my neighbors down the street have a whole row of light up happy candy corns in their yard!  Waah!  I just want more stuff, but I'll just have to wait til November when everything is on sale.  I'm also picky in that I don't want junk, I want unique pieces that nobody else will have.  Sure, 30 years ago everyone on the block had my light-up guys in the front yard, but no one has them now! I love vintage stuff too, especially holiday stuff.

Well, Poke and 4L are hanging out in the living room and it's almost 6pm so I had better start dinner before my boys starve...or at least before one of them starts whining... *grin*

S.A.D.

Normally the gloomy, damp, draftiness of early fall in Ohio makes me happy - I am definitely not a person who suffers from S.A.D., aka Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I will gladly suffer through this yuckiness to get to the crisp, cool, colorful autumn days that I know are right around the corner.  Today is a perfectly gloomy day, and I am perfectly gloomy right along with it.  And I don't like it.

In January 2010, my student loans were about to start being due.  I knew I couldn't afford over $1,000 monthly payment, so I got in touch with Sallie Mae and attempted to consolidate.  They refused to even let me apply for consolidation, but told me I could try for forbearance.  A few days later I received a letter stating I didn't qualify for forbearance or anything else.  I had to pay the $1,000+ or else.  At that time I was making $12/hr and my rent was $595/month.  If I paid my student loans, I wouldn't be able to pay my rent, or any other bills.  I spent countless hours on the phone with Sallie Mae, trying and trying to get my monthly payment down to a manageable amount; They simply would not accommodate me in any way.

If a person dies or becomes disabled, the co borrower is no longer responsible for the loan.  Knowing I could never repay the student loans, I made the conscious decision to commit suicide.  After all, it would be better than ruining my mom's credit AND it would really show Sallie Mae what kind of shitty institution they are.  I stopped taking my meds cold turkey, drank as much as I could, and one night I finally had the breakdown (unfortunately Poke was there and he still holds it over my head to this day) and swallowed 25 Vicodin.  Unfortunately, being the responsible person that I am, I made the terrible decision to call off work for the next day and the manager who took my call notified the EMTs and sent them to my house.  I don't know who got in touch with my parents, but all at once I had them banging on the front door while the EMTs were banging on the back door.  They threatened to chop through with an axe, so I moved the kitchen table and let them in.  They took me to Riverside where I was evaluated, had to drink the fucking liquid charcoal, and eventually sent to the Ohio Hospital for Psychiatry.  My parents, of course, asked me why, and I told them the reason as stated above.  My mom said that her credit was already ruined and my not paying the student loans wouldn't make it any worse than it already was.

My dad was laid off in August 2009 and didn't get a steady full-time job until two weeks ago.  I was also unemployed several times in 2010, and I could barely afford my rent.  Poke paid two month's worth for me and he didn't even live there at the time.  I had to get my food from the food bank, didn't have any insurance so I couldn't take my meds, and basically kept my sanity by remaining in an almost perpetual state of tipsiness... wake up, go to work, come home, get drunk, fall asleep, wake up, go to work... over and over.  Life was absolutely wonderful because I barely knew what was going on.

Fast forward to now, and Sallie Mae has sent all my loans to collection agencies.  My parents just discharged their bankruptcy and I've been working on doing my own.  Student loans can be included in Chapter 13 bankruptcies, as long as I can prove that paying the monthly payments would cause undue hardship.  Ironically, two years ago when I had a full-time job, I did prove that as a requirement for the forbearance application.  The problem is that the collectors won't stop calling my mom, they are threatening her (with empty threats and lies, trying to get her to pay) and so she is harassing me as a result.  She and I just got to a good point in our relationship and now this.  I don't know what to do.  Even if I went back to work full time and put 4L in daycare, all my income would be going to that so it's not like I'd have extra money.  My mom wants $300 a month, but there's no way I can give it to her.  We just don't have it.  Getting a part time job would be great, but how can I tell an employer "Please hire me and oh btw I need to dictate my own schedule"... not going to happen.  I'm going to try with the Tupperware thing, but I just don't know.

I just don't know what to do.

Shitty Weather = Supreme Goddess Time

Now that I'm officially employed by 4L, I will need to truly show off my culinary, lavatation, and absterging skills. In addition, my couponing will be combined with such skills and hopefully I can save us some money by busting things out Laura-Ingalls-Wilder-style. 

First up will be homemade pierogis, because why should I buy them at the store, frozen, when I literally have all the ingredients here and can make 10 meals worth, fresh, and freeze them myself for the price of one box?! Exactly. And because pierogis, knitzches, and ravioli are all the same, I can just adjust fillings and toppings here & there to make whichever Polish/Jewish/Italian dinner I want. Hells yeah. I just wish I had a pasta maker attachment for my GMap's old Kitchenaid. I guess 70 years ago there wasn't too much of a demand for them... But I can make fettuccine or egg noodles or whatever thick noodles by hand in the meantime. 

I've got the basement almost clean; Now that it's been waterproofed (a nice $13k investment) I can actually go down there and do stuff and use the space. We already cleaned everything up and set up some shelves, but the floor needs to be mopped again (and probably again after that!). Once I save some money, somehow, I'll be finishing it with the help of my dad. He finished our basement in the house I grew up in and it was about the same size. I think it will be pretty easy and fairly inexpensive. The first thing I'm gonna do is lay down vinyl tile in the laundry area and workbench area. I've put down vinyl tile before and it's really REALLY easy - all you have to do is measure, peel & stick. 

Also I've been trying to learn things to do with 4L. He's only 2 months now, but he's at the age where he can retain some info, he follows me with his eyes and mimics things I do. We've already learned to stick out our tongue, give kisses, and repeat (I say "aaah" and he says "aaah" back!). He's really good at tummy time, and his neck is already so strong that he can hold his head up and (mostly) steady while he is sitting on my lap. When I hold him up and place his feet on my stomach or legs, I can feel him pushing against them. It's fantastic! 

So, on top of all this, I'm thinking of becoming a Tupperware lady. My mom had a party the other day and it was fun, and I ended up talking to the consultant who ran it and she was telling me how easy it is. I suck at having parties, and I suck at selling stuff, but if I can get other people to have parties for me, the Tupperware will sell itself! Yeah! We'll see. I would have to invest $120 (or $80, but I might as well go all in if I'm going to do it) to get the set of stuff to take to parties, which is a good deal even if I end up being lame at consulting because it's like $550 worth of Tupperware for $120. Yay! 

Besides all this work stuff, life is okay. Poke has been difficult lately, but wtf am I going to do? I just have to let him work out his shit on his own time. I've done what I can and there is really no more I can do after six years. The whole situation is quite exhausting. Not to mention my mom telling me I need to come up with $300 A MONTH to pay my student loans, when she knows damn well we can't afford that. I've told her a hundred times that they'll be included in my bankruptcy (see here where they can be included) but the damn collectors keep calling her and calling her and threatening her and she just keeps listening to them. It's fucking annoying.

Anyway, 4L is asleep and I'm about to hit the sack myself.  Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow because today was a pretty shitty day.

6:22 on a Saturday Morning

...and I'm watching Looney Tunes. The old ones! I haven't seen some of these in years. But to be honest, I feel like a Looney Tune right now. I'm running on about three hours of sleep yet I'm not at all tired, just slap-happy. Yesterday was a long day of garage sale-ing with my mom (after a migraine and allergies resulting in only five hours of totally interrupted sleep) and when I got home, Poke had to leave for work two hours later. I tried to nap, but 4L wasn't having it! Despite all this, I am so happy. I have never been happier in my life. I officially went contingent at work last week, and I am thrilled to be a SAHM. Life is going to rule from here on out... now I had better get some sleep so I'm awake to enjoy it!

KLG and Hoda’s Cutest Babies Contest

I just entered KLG and Hoda’s Cutest Babies Contest

The Name of This Blog Should be Changed

Kel-Bell is no longer in Hell.  Kel-Bell is in heaven, thanks to a beautiful angel delivered to her on July 18th.  His name shall be 4L, and he shall bring joy and laughter to all!  (As a matter of fact, he already has!)

Being a mother has absolutely changed my life.  Two separate home nurses and my OB's office all gave me this post-partum test (to make sure I'm not depressed) and I scored a "4" every time (out of 20 - the higher the score, the more dangerous you are).  I have never been so happy in all my life!  Sure, I am worried about 4L and his future, and our finances, and the regular mom/partner type stuff, but I am so just... *whatever* about everything else.  As long as we have the necessities, I will be fine.  Even then I could probably live in a van down by the river, cuz WIC will provide food for 4L and I can go to the food bank.  Seriously, having him in my life has changed me 100% for the better.  I never thought I could be so happy!

That being said, I still don't understand the "need" or "desire" to have children.  4L was an accident, albeit a happy accident, and had that sperm not met that egg in a completely random fashion, I would not have chosen to have a child.  However, now that he's here, I already want another one!  Hahaha, I keep telling Poke we're going to have seven, just so that when we end up with three he will be thankful. *wink*  

When I think about how lucky I am to have a man like Poke, I get all choked up.  All those bitches from his/our past totally lost out!  I have the BEST partner I could ask for.  He probably wouldn't be perfect for you, but he's perfect for us.  When he's working his four days, I have to admit that I feel like a single mom cuz he works all day/night and then sleeps all night/day.  But, when he's off the next four, I feel like a queen and I almost can't handle not having to do anything for the baby!  Poke has really stepped up and turned into quite the provider.  After I had 4L, who arrived via C-Section, I was trapped in my bed at the hospital for two days thanks to IVs, catheters, and the like.  Poke diligently changed diapers, held/rocked/coddled 4L, and did everything he could to make us comfortable.  Ten days after, when I landed back in the hospital thanks to a badly infected inner abdomen (yay major surgery), Poke stayed home with 4L, took three extra days off work and did it all by himself.  He could have pawned the baby off on my parents or his mom, but he took charge and took control.  I never thought I would be so proud of him!  The former Poke has been replaced by a caring, loving, thoughtful man and it is more than I could ever ask for.  All the break-ups, the cheating, the weird shit that I can't even tell you about... it's all gone.  He still gets down on himself for not being an expert at this or that, and I still have to reassure him that nobody is perfect, etc etc etc, but I'm hoping that eventually the light will come on and he'll understand that he's just a man.

I've been mulling it over every minute of every day since I left for maternity leave, and I just can't imagine going back.  I know Isaac won't remember these days, but *I* will - I don't want someone to tell me that he spoke for the first time while I was at work, I don't want to miss any of the firsts or milestones, I don't want to miss a single minute.  The other day he pooped and it looked like dog poop and I was so thrilled that I was privy to his first bout with constipation and knew how to help him.  Some caregiver, even if well-meaning, might make a decision that I wouldn't agree with, and I don't want that to happen.  I want Poke and myself to make the decisions!  We've discussed it some, and I'm trying to get Poke to seriously think about it and not just take my word for it (that we can afford it, etc.), but no final agreement has been made.  I'm hoping I can become a stay-at-home mom and raise our son to the best of my ability.

4L is a remarkable little baby.  He has already rolled over, not just once or twice on accident, but several times on purpose.  He can also scoot across his tummy time mat with the assistance of his tiny pillow, as well as give kisses and stick out his tongue.  I'm convinced my child is a genius - but what mother isn't?!  Of course I did have almost 4.0 gpa

Speaking of getting up and doing stuff, I have a meatloaf that needs to go in the oven.  

Ta-ta for now!

PS - I am seriously considering changing the name, but the URL will stay the same!

Adult Time (Has a Whole New Meaning)

LOL, it's not like I'm going to be blogging about all my fantastic sexual escapades anymore - no sir, those days are gone and Adult Time has a whole new meaning... which is bound to take on an even DIFFERENT meaning in just under 40 days!  

Back in the day, I could just go out and do whatever/whomever I wanted to do without a care in the world.  Poke was in and out of my life, and I didn't really have to worry about my actions affecting anyone else because other than him, I haven't had a (super)steady boyfriend (other than the 6 month Sal debacle) since I was married.  My career was the only important thing to me, besides getting laid, getting fucked up, and getting drunk.  As long as I made it to work and I was coherent, I was pleased.  These days, I have so much more to care about.  I see people who live the way I used to, and it disgusts me.  Even when Poke goes out drinking to his brother's (which has only been three times since January), I am sickened.  He did it the other night & I told him not to bother coming home, for several reasons: 1) I didn't want to smell it 2) I didn't want him driving under the influence and 3) I love to drink and it's just not fair! (Seriously! I'm not going to lie about why I don't want him drinking!)  Before he left I told him all this, and he acted like I was just trying to keep him caged in.  Maybe when 4L (the baby - more on that nickname in a sec) arrives, Poke will finally see that it's not just him in this world & understand WHY I don't want him drinking/drinking & driving/etc.  I've never been comfortable drinking around my friends' kids, and I know I won't be comfortable drinking around my own.  Besides that, I can't think of any situation in which it would be okay for us to be drunk - no matter what, it's bad for 4L.  If we get drunk & leave him at the sitter's, he could get sick or something and we'd be unable to drive to get him or take him to the hospital.  If we get drunk while he's sleeping we might miss him waking up and needing to be fed or changed or sick, etc.  There is just no good time for responsible parents to get drunk!  And that's a good thing to me.

I'm looking forward to learning to drink like an adult, having just a few & relaxing.  My whole drinking life, I've done it like a frat boy.  To me, there was no point in drinking if I wasn't going to get completely obliterated.  Why have 3 beers when you can have 13?  Beer tastes good, but being drunk feels good.  Well, I'm sure being a mother feels much better & I can't wait to find out.  It's not like I'm going to turn into a complete prude or something, I just have so much to care about now that I won't even think twice about sacrificing for him.

Overall, I am so excited for 4L to be here.  I had my baby shower on May 28th, lots of people came, and I got SO many gifts - it was amazing.  I haven't had a party like that with so many presents to open since I was a young girl!  Everyone did so much - too much - but I am so grateful... and now the nursery is done!  Seriously, I came home from the shower & put together the swing & the stroller & put the linens on the crib.  Over the next few days Poke & I set the rest of the things up, washed 4L's clothes, and within a week we had everything done.  The shower was awesome, but even (slightly) more awesome was the big trip to Babies'R'Us.  We got the rest of the stuff on our registry: pack'n'play, diapers, bath stuff, tub, towels; exchanged & returned some clothes, etc.  After two hours we had a full cart & headed up to the checkout.  Grand total was around $674.00, but after coupons, sales, certain percentages off for this & that, and 15% off each item from the registry (for completing it), the new total came to $450 - We saved $224!!  I was quite pleased.

Including today, I have 30 days left til I am on maternity leave.  I'll have two weeks paid & six weeks unpaid, but the six weeks will be FMLA so I will be guaranteed a job when I return, as well as not losing my benefits while I'm gone.  I figured I should leave about a week before my due date because I personally feel like 4L is going to come four days before my due date and the last few times we've gone to the doctor they've told us he's about a week to a week and a half ahead of where he should be.  I keep praying to Jesus and talking to 4L, asking them both to just get me through the next 29 days - til at least 8pm on July 13th - so that I can get all my PTO in and everything will be "on schedule" (at least as far as HR is concerned!!).  

Work has been fair lately, and by fair I mean "not good and not bad" as opposed to "equal" or "reasonable".  My sprvsr is still difficult, and I think I've finally gotten to the point where I have just checked out from her.  I can't respect her, I can't take her seriously, and there is not a single thing she can do that will change my feelings.  I take that back: she could admit that she's been picking on me, admit all her personal flaws & mistakes, stop being judgmental, stop being racist, do her job correctly, and start accepting criticism - constructive or otherwise.  But none of those things will ever happen, separately or together with another.  She's just a very stubborn person!  After all that, like I said, I think I've just checked out.  She leaves me annoying little notes on the prep sheets & I leave my own notes for her.  She doesn't bother to use common sense or look things up, she just accuses me of this, that, & the other.  For example, she left me a note stating that I need to follow recipes - the dish she was referring to had three ingredients, and I made it with only two because she had failed to order the third ingredient.  So I left her a note saying so!  *grrr*  This is the kind of stuff I literally, without exaggeration, have to deal with on a daily basis.  My only days off from this shit is the weekend, when she doesn't work (except the next few weekends when she IS working! ACK!).

Oh well, yesterday was an awesome day at work & it really gave me a boost as far as confidence goes.  All the lecturing and note-writing can really bring me down - it's even become somewhat of a joke between (my coworker) LareBear and myself.  I'll say something & he'll reply with "Don't you know you do everything wrong?" or "Well you did kill that resident one time..." and he is totally joking because the stuff I get pinched for is always bullshit & everyone knows it.  But I digress - things went well yesterday and I was really pleased.  I don't know if I *actually* did an awesome job or if I'm less worried because I know I'll be outta there in a month... either way, yay me.

So now, I'll tell you why I'm referring to the baby as "4L" - his initials are IVL, and since "IV" = 4, I just thought it'd be easier/quicker to type.  Yup, I am a nerd.

The strangest thing I've ever done.

So being pregnant is, by far, the strangest experience I've ever had in my entire life.  My stomach is so squished that I can't eat - but I'm starving - I'm zittier than ever, I hate everything, love everything, and everything makes me cry.  They say that a pregnant woman experiences 150 million years of evolution in nine months - I'm starting to believe it's true.  Even as I sit here, I'm like "why am I even updating this blog? Nobody wants to read about the life of a fat ugly mean stupid girl!!"  Seriously, being pregnant is hard.

That being said, it's not all that bad.  Some days/weeks are harder than others, and sometimes I'm just like WTF and move on.  Work has been better lately, since I decided that some things are just NOT worth my time (arguing with less intelligent coworkers, less socially-adept coworkers, etc) and some things ARE worth my time (doing my job to the best of my ability and realising that I cannot be perfect, no matter how hard I try, and trying to be perfect is going to wear me out).  On Sunday I did the breakfast shift, which has been traumatic from the start (and this was only my fourth time) and it went very well.  Yes, my soups sucked cuz for some reason I lack the ability to do in one kitchen what I do in another, but whatever.  It's soup for christssake, and if that's the thing that I fucked up and everyone was all in arms over, well, that's fine.  At least it wasn't as bad as the first two times I did that shift!

Home life has been much better lately as well.  Poke has changed completely since being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, and now that he's gotten his blood sugar under control, his attitude is under control.  Lately it's been higher & I can really notice the difference between glucose levels of 80-140 & 150+.  It's amazing what the human body can do to itself and how the brain/mind can be affected by things.

I guess I should probably give a quick background story at this point, since the last time I talked, Poke & I were all but done for.  WELL... as you all know by now, there was really no way we'd ever be apart for good, even if I said it was going to happen.  We ended up getting back together in August 2010, and by October 2010, I was pregnant... except we didn't find out until December 9th, 2010, when I randomly started throwing up - a lot.  Puking is NOT something I generally do, even when totally wasted, so I went ahead and took three pregnancy tests, and sure enough all three had the double pink line.  Woo-hoo.  Poke was in Cali/Vegas at the time, on vacation w/his bff/roommate (to try and salvage their dying friendship I guess).  I simply texted him "I'm pregnant" and that was that.  He replied "how the fuck?" and I, being the smart-ass that I am, answered that when a mommy & daddy fall in love... No, I was like "well, I'm not on birth control & we don't use condoms so I suppose it was bound to happen eventually!"  When he came back from vacation he made the decision to "do the right thing" and move in (after the first of the year).  I was happy, because I truly didn't think he was going to do that.  I pretty much expected him to be like "ok, I'll send you a check" and be done with it.  Instead he stepped up and made the commitment.  It's been rough, but since January 2011, he's bought me/us a house, kept his finances in order, done great at work (as always) and continued to improve himself and our life.  He seems to be excited about the baby coming, and I think he's going to be a great dad. Yay.

The only thing I have to worry about now is next Tuesday when I go to the cardiologist for a couple of procedures to find out what's wrong with my heart.  A few times in my life, maybe 1 or 2 times every  year for the last 5-7 years, I've had little episodes of palpitations.  I'd go to the doctor, they'd do an EKG, and nothing would show so they'd say "oh anxiety" or some other reason.  Well since I got pregnant it's been steadily getting worse, going from 1-2 times a year to 1-2 times a month to 1-2 times a week until it was every other day and now it's every day that my heart is palpitating.  Sometimes I get nauseous and dizzy and lightheaded and sweaty, sometimes I get nothing.  A week ago they put me on a 24 hour monitor cuz when I went to the hospital, of course, nothing showed on the EKG.  Apparently something significant showed on the 24 hour monitor cuz now they wanna do these tests.  I'm scared and nervous, but at the same time I'm kind of okay.  I have a part time job working from home so I am still making money even if I have to take a leave before it's FMLA maternity time.  Things will work out, I'm sure of it... At least, I'm hoping so!

I'm Back - Again!

Yes, it's been almost two years since I posted on this blog, and for damn good reasons too.  Let's sum it up real quick so I can go eat my pizza rolls.

1) Poke & I are together - forever - as I am currently pregnant with his child & due in only nine short weeks.  More on that later!

2) Have had lots of jobs in the past two years, most of them have sucked, but now I have a sweet job (back at a retirement community, where I always wanted to be!) and I hope I am able to stay there for a long time.

3) Still need money, only now it's like $80,000.  So fork it over if you wish.

Anyway, that's about it for now, I will be posting more regularly since I am on the computer a lot for my part-time job and need to take breaks here & there so I don't doze off.

Done with that, onto this...

Poke: Nope, it's done.

Work: Fine. I have a performance plus problem, which means I hold myself WAY UP HERE and consider everyone else to be way down here and I can't expect them to meet my standards of excellence. Great.

POF.com: Yay I met a super swell guy, BL. We have hit it off! I dig it. So for now, I'm staying off the website so I can see where this goes.

Money: Need some. Lots. Like $60,000.00 for student loans. Fucking shit.

Wow, what a month...

Poke: yeah, we fuck a lot now but I've come to realize that there is no hope for us. He doesn't entertain me like he used to, he's not the same person I fell in love with. I still feel like he's my best friend, but even that's starting to wax and wane as time goes by. Fine with me! I've got better things to do.

Men: suck. I went out on a date with a really swell guy and I thought it went well. Apparently I thought wrong because less than 4 days later he was already ignoring my texts and not returning my phone call. Whatever. Then there was this other guy who never even met me in person (more on that later) and when I called him out for constantly wanting to meet but never agreeing to any options I gave him (he basically wanted to come to my house and I said no it must be in public), he called me large and repulsive. Nice. THEN there was this boy at work who has been flirting with me since I started. We exchanged numbers, he called me once, we talked at work, and then Slutsy McFuckstick (a girl in my department) decided she wanted to get w/him and basically sabotaged the whole thing. He and I made plans to go out last tuesday and he didn't call or show up. Awesome. Two days later I find out he already has a girlfriend! Needless to say my hurt and sadness over that didn't last. So, yeah. Rejected three times in one week, my confidence surely took a blow.

POF.com: plentyoffish.com, a dating website. Been talkin' to some guys on there. It's not bad, it's not great, it just is. I'm not too concerned with it right now, but I would like to find someone nice and friendly and not fucked up in the head.

Other: Work is great. I love my job, but I still hate getting up at the godforesaken crack of dawn. I got a new cell phone, the LG enV 3 and it rules. When I went to buy it, they said I could get two new phones free after rebate. I was like awesome and called my parents to ask if they wanted new phones. They said yes. Well when they saw their phones they hated them and it was a big fucking problem. I was like wow ok can we be more ungreatful? Thanks. My friend NW from school came over to MW/AH's house with me last night. Then we came home and had adult time. It was spectacular. My friends liked him, as far as I can tell, and everyone was getting along and having lots of fun. Yay. He tried to fuck me in the bathroom and they caught us LOL it's a good thing he locked the door!

Well I suppose that's all for now, I guess it'll be another month before I post again? Maybe not, I'm gonna try to keep it up like I used to.

Oh - and - GO BUCKS! First game was yesterday, we beat Navy (barely), 31-27.

Glen Campbell and Kenny Rogers!

The Big Cardinal At the Front Gate of the Fair

...At the Ohio State Fair, Tuesday August 4th! It. Was. Amazing.

Poke came over around 5:30pm and picked me up, we drove down to the fair and got there around six. Only took about 15 minutes to get there; we'd left at around 5:45pm. At first I was all confused and getting irritated cuz we drove in, didn't pay for parking (included in concert ticket price!), and starting heading towards the back. Every time we came to a parking area/crossroads, the cops waved us on. I was like "Um, do they think we're leaving?!" Finally at the very last chance, they directed us to park. One of the most annoying things in the world is having someone direct me with hands - I was like yelping at Poke to TURN TURN TURN and he's like I AM! I DONT WANNA GO IN THE MUD! and meanwhile the fucking cop is trying to make him park in a hugr mud puddle - basically directing him right to it. Jesus. In the end, we were ok - mostly cuz Poke parked crooked on purpose so he was not in the mud and so I didn't have to step in it to get out. =)

Luckily the haywagon tram was stopped right at our line picking people up/dropping folks off, so we hopped right onto it and rode our way to the front gate. We weren't really that far from the front gate, but walking would have been a pain and I'm sure we would have gotten lost! When we got off the tram, we immediately started to hold hands and I was like "oh, sorry I was about to hold your hand" and he was like "that's ok, I want you to." I didn't know what to think of that because when we were dating we always held hands, or he would always have his arm around me when we were walking and he had already done that several times to/from the car, etc. I guess old habits die hard. Anyway, at the front there was a AAA booth, and since Poke now has AAA, we stopped to see what was up and ended up with a free ticket to the Skyride! Then we headed to the gate, showed our Kenny Rogers tickets, and waltzed right in. Yay! We got a map and a booklet, walked a little ways, and there was the Skyride. Poke went to buy me a ticket but before he could hand the guy the money some lady was like "ma'am! ma'am!" and I turn around and she's like "here you can have my free ticket I won't use it." So I yelled to Poke "CANCEL!" cuz even though it was only $3 to ride, free is better! We got in line (lol, we were the only ones behind one couple) and then had to go stand on the yellow box to wait. I was scared cuz you have to hop up into the chair like a ski lift (which I have never been on) and hang on for dear life. Poke had no issue but my legs are short and I barely made it hahahaha. So we rode the Skyride to the other end of the Fair and passed the Celeste Center, where the concert was to be held, on the way. When we got off POke needed to potty so we walked over to this random building with stuff in it and while he p'd I smoked outside. He told me about this girl ripping him off of some cash he'd given her for tickets to TOOL, and I laughed, and reminded him that everyone sucks but me. He said he knew. Then we started walking again, and Poke said he was hungry now and wanted to get some food. I had had him stop at Wendy's on the way so I could get a Jr Cheeseburger, just so I wouldn't eat a ton of Fair food, so I was not hungry at all. He ended up getting a $7 Meatball Splash - worth about $5 - and from the way he wolfed it down, it was thoroughly enjoyed! LOL.

Poke on the haywagon tram

Me on the haywagon tram

View from the Skyride

Me and Poke on the Skyride

Meatball Splash!

We walked to the Celeste Center and smoked a cigarette, for at this time it was around 7:15pm. The concert started at 7:30pm. When we were done smoking we got in line to get in, had our tickets scanned, and after another potty break we found our seats. The seats were kinda far back (not as far back as they seem in the pics, my camera phone is just weird like that), a little bit farther than half-way from the stage but still on the floor. We were in an angled row and he let me have the end seat so I could see. We saw a booth off to the left selling Kenny Rogers shirts, and I wanted one sooooooooooooooo bad but it was $25 and I have a really hard time paying more than $15 for a t-shirt. I told Poke it was a shame we didn't live together anymore cuz if we did we could have bought one shirt and shared it. He got this look on his face like he was plotting and I said "No, we cannot have dual custody of a t-shirt. You cannot have it every other weekend and three weeks during the summer. It won't work" and we laughed. We were still contemplating whether or not to buy a shirt when the lights went down. Poke and I hurried back to our seats and just in time too because at that moment Glen Campbell came on stage!

Glen Campbell was pretty sweet. I wasn't sure how much I would enjoy it cuz I didn't think I knew that many of his songs - turns out I know a whole bunch! Plus he sang a few covers, including "Dream" (Everley Brothers) and "Jackson" (Johnny Cash/June Carter) with his daughter. He even played "Classical Gas" by Mason Williams, my number one favorite instrumental! Glen finished with "Rhinestone Cowboy", my favorite song by him, and I was beside myself with giddiness. Overall, Glen Campbell was great. However, the best was yet to come.

Waiting for the concert to start

Glen Campbell

Glen Campbell played from 7:30pm til 8:30pm and then there was a half-hour intermission. We went outside and smoked then headed back to our seats. I thought maybe the place would fill up (for example, our row had been empty except us and one other couple) but it didn't seem like there were more people than before. At 9pm sharp, the lights went down, some music started, and Kenny came out on stage. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Everyone jumped to their feet, clapping and whooping, and we were no different. It gave me chills just being in the same area as Kenny. He sang two songs, kinda combined, and then talked to the audience a bit. There was a guy in the front row w/his wife, and apparently this guy's name was Glen Campbell. Kenny thought this was hilarious and chose him as the man of the evening. He made a deal with the non-famous Glen Campbell that if Kenny sang a song Glen recognized, he'd throw him a $10 bill. By the end of the night this guy had a fistful of cash and Kenny tossed him a t-shirt! I was so jealous. Kenny sang only two songs I didn't recognize, and right in the middle he sang "Just Dropped In" and Poke and I went craaaaazy when the first chords were played. It was amazing. (Side note - I have some videos but I don't know how I can upload them - I'll try though.) When Kenny sang the love songs Poke put his arm around me, we were holding hands/touching the whole time. It was strange and fine at the same time. Kenny showed a video montage of "The Gambler" tv show while he sang the song of the same name, had a cardboard cut-out of Tim McGraw on stage while he sang some song they'd done together as a duet, showed another montage of pics of his wife Wanda & their 5 yr old twin sons during another song, and was overall a pretty funny guy while talking to the crowd in between songs. It was awesome.

Kenny Rogers!

When we got out, Poke wanted to ride a ride but they were all closed so we just left. On the way back he asked if I wanted to go to the Filling Station for karaoke and I suggested Brewstirs instead because it was on the way. We stopped in there, Cat was doing her show, and Valdez happened to be there as well. The crowd was pretty thin so we actually got to sing abotu 3 songs each - usually it's so packed you can barely sing one, maybe two if you get there super early - but we'd gotten there around 10:30pm so I felt lucky to sing so many! A few times when we were outside smoking this one drunk weird dude was out there being creepy and annoying. The last time we went out, Poke stopped at the bathroom and I headed out alone, thinking he'd be right behind me in a minute. Well, unfortunately, he was not. This creepy fucking dude tried to kiss me, grabbed my head and everything, and I was like "NO!" and I could hear Poke on the other side of the door, so I was like "POKE! POKE! POKE!" trying to get him to come outside or at least look out the door. He didn't so I just threw my cigarette down and walked back in. He was like "what's going on" and as we walked back to our seat (we'd already moved from a table to the bar to get away from this creepo dude) I told him what happened. Poke was SO pissed. He wanted to kick the dude's ass. I felt special, ya know, Poke wanting to defend my honor and all that. We left the bar at closing and went home to my house. Adult enjoyment followed.

Sadly when I woke up, on the couch, at 6:15am to my work-day alarms (which I had forgotten to turn off), Poke was gone. I was half asleep and all confused, looking all over the house for him and then for my keys, having noticed the door was locked. I called him and called him but he didn't answer, so I just went up to bed. I woke back up around 10am and he had texted me that he put the keys through the mail slot (true, I went down and found them in the corner) and that he was sorry he left, it was a shitty thing to do, but he was starving and knew he'd never be able to wake me up to get me upstairs (also true, when I'm drunk and pass out there is no waking me up and/or moving me). I was upset but at least his reason for leaving made sense.

So now, things are back to "normal" - not with me and Poke, just with my life. I had one day of excitement and it's back to the grind. My job is going very well and I love it, except for having to wake up SO early and drive SO far. I'm in charge (3rd in command) and I make decisions and shit is up to me. I like being my own "boss" instead of having to bow to everyone like at the assisted living place I worked at for my externship. OH! Speaking of, my college graduation was this past Sunday and it was nice. I got to see my friends and get my actual piece of paper degree and now it's all over. Woot!

Been So Long

Hey peeps, what's up.

Whole lot of nothing going on over here, mostly because I started my new job as a gourmet chef at a local grocery store. Hell yeah.

RR is kinda fading away from the picture... sad, but I had a feeling it might come to this. He told me over and over that he's not interested in a serious relationship, even though he didn't act like it, and I think he's feeling like he needs to pull away. So be it.

Unfortunately, Poke is back in the picture. We're not getting back together, just hanging out and being friends. I've had several people tell me to try it again, and twenty times that many (including my own brain) tell me to run fast and far away. Who knows what will happen.

My graduation is on Sunday and I'm kinda excited. I already have my degree, but it will be kinda cool to go through the ceremony and have it be "official".

Other than that... nothing to report!

Angry and Frustrated

So, I don't know what's going on with my "men" these days. I have my RR, who referred me as his "fuck buddy" (fine) and then also, please don't hit me, Poke's back in the picture. Ugh.

Well what I'm angry and frustrated about is the fact that Poke is going on vacation to Cozumel, Mexico. It's just not fair. Now was supposed to be our time together making a wonderful life and having tons of cash and living high on the hog and so forth. Instead he left my ass high and dry and I had to struggle the last few months to pay the bills he left me... I even had to find a new job. Goddamn it, NOT FAIR! It's not fucking fair that he is living well and has no money worries while I bust my ass all over the place just to make ends meet. Why does this always happen to me? Why am I constantly fucked?!

*sigh*

I don't even know if I can write any more cuz I'm so irritated. Even if I hadn't started talking to Poke again I would still know that he's living well with lots of cash and few bills and that has irked me since the moment he walked out the door. FUCK! I'm so angry.

Now, a repeat of a previously viewed video:

mydrunktext.com

hilarious

(650): Not only did she give the most amazing oral, but she made me the best sandwich. God's cruel irony that allows fat chicks to be so great at these two things.

(908): I'm pretty sure angry flying monkeys live in her vag - and they're Republican, too.

(412): before you come to my house stop somewhere and get me a ladder, rope, Bandaids, ice cream, peanut butter, jello, icepops and handcuffs. if not, don't even bother coming


(805): He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.

(403): Received from a friend at a strip bar: "How the fuck is it that a Cambodian chick in a redneck town is dancing to Latino music working in a titty bar owned by a Chinese cowboy?"

(914): so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling


and the finale... wonder who posted this...

(303): We need yo make a Helen Keller horror movie.