Kel-Bell is no longer in Hell. Kel-Bell is in heaven, thanks to a beautiful angel delivered to her on July 18th. His name shall be 4L, and he shall bring joy and laughter to all! (As a matter of fact, he already has!)
Being a mother has absolutely changed my life. Two separate home nurses and my OB's office all gave me this post-partum test (to make sure I'm not depressed) and I scored a "4" every time (out of 20 - the higher the score, the more dangerous you are). I have never been so happy in all my life! Sure, I am worried about 4L and his future, and our finances, and the regular mom/partner type stuff, but I am so just... *whatever* about everything else. As long as we have the necessities, I will be fine. Even then I could probably live in a van down by the river, cuz WIC will provide food for 4L and I can go to the food bank. Seriously, having him in my life has changed me 100% for the better. I never thought I could be so happy!
That being said, I still don't understand the "need" or "desire" to have children. 4L was an accident, albeit a happy accident, and had that sperm not met that egg in a completely random fashion, I would not have chosen to have a child. However, now that he's here, I already want another one! Hahaha, I keep telling Poke we're going to have seven, just so that when we end up with three he will be thankful. *wink*
When I think about how lucky I am to have a man like Poke, I get all choked up. All those bitches from his/our past totally lost out! I have the BEST partner I could ask for. He probably wouldn't be perfect for you, but he's perfect for us. When he's working his four days, I have to admit that I feel like a single mom cuz he works all day/night and then sleeps all night/day. But, when he's off the next four, I feel like a queen and I almost can't handle not having to do anything for the baby! Poke has really stepped up and turned into quite the provider. After I had 4L, who arrived via C-Section, I was trapped in my bed at the hospital for two days thanks to IVs, catheters, and the like. Poke diligently changed diapers, held/rocked/coddled 4L, and did everything he could to make us comfortable. Ten days after, when I landed back in the hospital thanks to a badly infected inner abdomen (yay major surgery), Poke stayed home with 4L, took three extra days off work and did it all by himself. He could have pawned the baby off on my parents or his mom, but he took charge and took control. I never thought I would be so proud of him! The former Poke has been replaced by a caring, loving, thoughtful man and it is more than I could ever ask for. All the break-ups, the cheating, the weird shit that I can't even tell you about... it's all gone. He still gets down on himself for not being an expert at this or that, and I still have to reassure him that nobody is perfect, etc etc etc, but I'm hoping that eventually the light will come on and he'll understand that he's just a man.
I've been mulling it over every minute of every day since I left for maternity leave, and I just can't imagine going back. I know Isaac won't remember these days, but *I* will - I don't want someone to tell me that he spoke for the first time while I was at work, I don't want to miss any of the firsts or milestones, I don't want to miss a single minute. The other day he pooped and it looked like dog poop and I was so thrilled that I was privy to his first bout with constipation and knew how to help him. Some caregiver, even if well-meaning, might make a decision that I wouldn't agree with, and I don't want that to happen. I want Poke and myself to make the decisions! We've discussed it some, and I'm trying to get Poke to seriously think about it and not just take my word for it (that we can afford it, etc.), but no final agreement has been made. I'm hoping I can become a stay-at-home mom and raise our son to the best of my ability.
4L is a remarkable little baby. He has already rolled over, not just once or twice on accident, but several times on purpose. He can also scoot across his tummy time mat with the assistance of his tiny pillow, as well as give kisses and stick out his tongue. I'm convinced my child is a genius - but what mother isn't?! Of course I did have almost 4.0 gpa
Speaking of getting up and doing stuff, I have a meatloaf that needs to go in the oven.
Ta-ta for now!
PS - I am seriously considering changing the name, but the URL will stay the same!