Do not measure your loss by itself; if you do, it will seem intolerable; but if you will take all human affairs into account you will find that some comfort is to be derived from them. - Saint Basil
So. My uncle said no, he won't cosign. My last option (that I just learned of today) is to take all my rejection letters to the President of the school and show him that I'm not just asking for money, I'm really trying to get it on my own and no one will give me any. Other than that, it's either pay up my cash, $9,474.00, and have zip left in my savings account. That means no vacation, no getting my alignment on the car fixed, no money to pay bills, no tattoo. I only make about $400.00 a month at Steak'n'Shake, so that doesn't even pay the bills. People are like "why don't you just work and go to school??" Well if you can get me a job that will work around a 40 hour school week, and I'll still have time to sleep, then I'll take that job. I go to school from noon to 7pm. There is seriously NO job out there for me. If I was going to OSU or Cols State or something, where I only have one class a day everyday, or maybe six hrs of classes 2-3 days a week, then sure I could get a great job. But no. Not happening.
This Disney recruiter lady came to school today to talk to a different class, but we got to sit in on her presentation. It was really cool. I'm seriously considering it, if I get to continue school. Hell, even if I can't go on with school maybe they will accept me anyway and then at least I'll have *something* to show for my $40,000+ in student loans! Check out the info here. It's not the specific culinary info, but it's mostly the same.
So the other morning, Poke said to me that he was bored. Bored of the same old same old. I told him that all he has to do is suggest new things and we can do them. He can come over anytime he wants, we can go wherever, etc etc etc. Since then, the more I think about it, I get a little bit angry. He has all this freedom to do whatever the heck he wants, whereas I am trapped in this awful fucking circle of strife. Wake up tired, go to school, go to work, come home, don't get any sleep, finally pass out when the birds start chirping, wake up tired, go to school... you get the point... I have no fun in my life until Thursday and Friday, and even Fridays really aren't that fun because Saturday I know Poke is going to wake up and say he's leaving and then I'll have to go to work for 8 hours. Don't get me wrong, I really do like working at Steak'n'Shake. I just wish my life wasn't so monotonous. It hurts me emotionally, and I'm pretty sure that, in addition to the whole school finance problem, it is the reason why I have been so depressed lately. I try to act happy for everyone, but honestly I am on the verge of tears 100% of the time.
Henceforth, I am like, what's the point of going on if there is nothing to go for? Well, for starters, my mom cosigned on those two loans so if I was dead, she would be responsible and that's not really fair. Next, who would take care of my kitties? Also, my friend MEI is already having her own issues, and if I was to off myself she'd probably follow suit. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person keeping her from doing it. Not to mention I have other friends, Poke, and my family who would miss me, and I don't want to fuck up anyone's life. So even though I am pretty sad right now about my newest round of bad luck, I'm just gonna keep plugging along. It doesn't really seem worth it to kill myself, it would probably not work anyway and I'd end up some lame vegetable sucking out my parents' hard earned money to pay for my breathing machine and hospice bills.So. My uncle said no, he won't cosign. My last option (that I just learned of today) is to take all my rejection letters to the President of the school and show him that I'm not just asking for money, I'm really trying to get it on my own and no one will give me any. Other than that, it's either pay up my cash, $9,474.00, and have zip left in my savings account. That means no vacation, no getting my alignment on the car fixed, no money to pay bills, no tattoo. I only make about $400.00 a month at Steak'n'Shake, so that doesn't even pay the bills. People are like "why don't you just work and go to school??" Well if you can get me a job that will work around a 40 hour school week, and I'll still have time to sleep, then I'll take that job. I go to school from noon to 7pm. There is seriously NO job out there for me. If I was going to OSU or Cols State or something, where I only have one class a day everyday, or maybe six hrs of classes 2-3 days a week, then sure I could get a great job. But no. Not happening.
This Disney recruiter lady came to school today to talk to a different class, but we got to sit in on her presentation. It was really cool. I'm seriously considering it, if I get to continue school. Hell, even if I can't go on with school maybe they will accept me anyway and then at least I'll have *something* to show for my $40,000+ in student loans! Check out the info here. It's not the specific culinary info, but it's mostly the same.
So the other morning, Poke said to me that he was bored. Bored of the same old same old. I told him that all he has to do is suggest new things and we can do them. He can come over anytime he wants, we can go wherever, etc etc etc. Since then, the more I think about it, I get a little bit angry. He has all this freedom to do whatever the heck he wants, whereas I am trapped in this awful fucking circle of strife. Wake up tired, go to school, go to work, come home, don't get any sleep, finally pass out when the birds start chirping, wake up tired, go to school... you get the point... I have no fun in my life until Thursday and Friday, and even Fridays really aren't that fun because Saturday I know Poke is going to wake up and say he's leaving and then I'll have to go to work for 8 hours. Don't get me wrong, I really do like working at Steak'n'Shake. I just wish my life wasn't so monotonous. It hurts me emotionally, and I'm pretty sure that, in addition to the whole school finance problem, it is the reason why I have been so depressed lately. I try to act happy for everyone, but honestly I am on the verge of tears 100% of the time.
This blog just got pretty morbid, sorry. I'm just so fucking tired and bored, I have the most ridiculous thoughts running through my head. The quote at the beginning is kind of what I'm going to start thinking of when I get really depressed, you know, so I will try to think that there are people out there who have it way worse than me.
*sigh*
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