S.A.D.

Normally the gloomy, damp, draftiness of early fall in Ohio makes me happy - I am definitely not a person who suffers from S.A.D., aka Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I will gladly suffer through this yuckiness to get to the crisp, cool, colorful autumn days that I know are right around the corner.  Today is a perfectly gloomy day, and I am perfectly gloomy right along with it.  And I don't like it.

In January 2010, my student loans were about to start being due.  I knew I couldn't afford over $1,000 monthly payment, so I got in touch with Sallie Mae and attempted to consolidate.  They refused to even let me apply for consolidation, but told me I could try for forbearance.  A few days later I received a letter stating I didn't qualify for forbearance or anything else.  I had to pay the $1,000+ or else.  At that time I was making $12/hr and my rent was $595/month.  If I paid my student loans, I wouldn't be able to pay my rent, or any other bills.  I spent countless hours on the phone with Sallie Mae, trying and trying to get my monthly payment down to a manageable amount; They simply would not accommodate me in any way.

If a person dies or becomes disabled, the co borrower is no longer responsible for the loan.  Knowing I could never repay the student loans, I made the conscious decision to commit suicide.  After all, it would be better than ruining my mom's credit AND it would really show Sallie Mae what kind of shitty institution they are.  I stopped taking my meds cold turkey, drank as much as I could, and one night I finally had the breakdown (unfortunately Poke was there and he still holds it over my head to this day) and swallowed 25 Vicodin.  Unfortunately, being the responsible person that I am, I made the terrible decision to call off work for the next day and the manager who took my call notified the EMTs and sent them to my house.  I don't know who got in touch with my parents, but all at once I had them banging on the front door while the EMTs were banging on the back door.  They threatened to chop through with an axe, so I moved the kitchen table and let them in.  They took me to Riverside where I was evaluated, had to drink the fucking liquid charcoal, and eventually sent to the Ohio Hospital for Psychiatry.  My parents, of course, asked me why, and I told them the reason as stated above.  My mom said that her credit was already ruined and my not paying the student loans wouldn't make it any worse than it already was.

My dad was laid off in August 2009 and didn't get a steady full-time job until two weeks ago.  I was also unemployed several times in 2010, and I could barely afford my rent.  Poke paid two month's worth for me and he didn't even live there at the time.  I had to get my food from the food bank, didn't have any insurance so I couldn't take my meds, and basically kept my sanity by remaining in an almost perpetual state of tipsiness... wake up, go to work, come home, get drunk, fall asleep, wake up, go to work... over and over.  Life was absolutely wonderful because I barely knew what was going on.

Fast forward to now, and Sallie Mae has sent all my loans to collection agencies.  My parents just discharged their bankruptcy and I've been working on doing my own.  Student loans can be included in Chapter 13 bankruptcies, as long as I can prove that paying the monthly payments would cause undue hardship.  Ironically, two years ago when I had a full-time job, I did prove that as a requirement for the forbearance application.  The problem is that the collectors won't stop calling my mom, they are threatening her (with empty threats and lies, trying to get her to pay) and so she is harassing me as a result.  She and I just got to a good point in our relationship and now this.  I don't know what to do.  Even if I went back to work full time and put 4L in daycare, all my income would be going to that so it's not like I'd have extra money.  My mom wants $300 a month, but there's no way I can give it to her.  We just don't have it.  Getting a part time job would be great, but how can I tell an employer "Please hire me and oh btw I need to dictate my own schedule"... not going to happen.  I'm going to try with the Tupperware thing, but I just don't know.

I just don't know what to do.