Crazy Old Ladies, Sexy Young Men

Wow. What a year this has already been for me. It started off promising, quickly headed south towards the pits of Hell, and now has been givien a violent shove into seriously almost wonderful.

Poke - haven't talked to him. D*Martin told me that Poke said he wished I would have just said "Good, Leave." instead of trying to plead with him to come back to me. The reason is that "drooling over someone isn't sexy." Well I'm so sorry I wasn't trying to be sexy when you tell me the relationship is over, I'm so sorry but I also wasn't drooling - I was trying to salvage the fucking relationship! Whatever. I am SO better off without him. I just need to figure out what to do with all the crap he left at my house.

Cat - Well I don't know if I ever mentioned this before, but our friendship suffered a blow when she decided I was shitty for wanting to hang out at Groucho's even after she cancelled her show there. She had told everyone that the show was cancelled, then changed her mind 3 days later, and so the owner got someone else to fill in. Well when BC went there to set up for the show, the new guy was already there set up. Cat was furious! I'm like whatever, it's her fault for not being clear with the owner. She gets all pissed off at me, since I'm a bad friend for not supporting her decision to cancel, and for not being pissed at the owner that he got someone else to do the show. She says that they screwed her over, I totally disagree because she's the one who cancelled the show in the first place. Well anyway, she got over it, decided that we had been friends for too long to let something stupid come between us.

I am having my birthday party at Groucho's this Friday, and I didn't invite her because I knew 100% that she wouldn't come - she has a show, she doesn't like Groucho's, and she bitches about smoking. Why would I invite her if she couldn't come anyway? Regardless, I had left a comment on D*Martin's MySpace when he said he didn't want to come and risk running into her. I said, "She's not invited because she has to work, hahaha, so there's no excuse." Apparently she saw this and now I'm a terrible friend. She deleted me from her MySpace, she wrote me two nasty emails, and that's that. Well okay then, if she's going to be so stubborn and self-righteous, I don't need her as a friend because it's not a real friendship anyway.

The first email:
Yeah, I saw your comment on D*Martin's page. "She's not invited, cause she has a show at Trumps." Oh how convenient for you and D*Martin, your fucking buddy. You fucking suck. And, no I am not drunk. You are a backstabber. Yeah, I am your BFF, isn't that forever. Well, not anymore. You arranged this party just so I wouldn't show up. Maybe Poke is right. Take me off your list. You are no friend. Cat

The second email:
You know I have always been there for you, and for you to post something like that on D*Martin's page, is a slap in the face to me. I can't believe that you would do something like that. Especially to a dude that totally fucked me over, and every one else that he comes in contact with. I can't believe that anyone at Groucho's would want to see him either. He's fucking pathetic. And you are now just as bad. But to do it to me who has always been a friend to you. The part that hurts the most is saying I'm not invited because I am at Trumps and no longer at Groucho's. You have no excuse for this. I have been a loyal friend to you, and I expect my friends to be loyal to me, as well. You are not a loyal friend. You hurt me with that comment, so now you can have D*Martin around all you want. Why don't you invite Mel while you're at it? That is all I have to say. Cat

So, that's about it for that story. Onward.

School - SCHOOL RULES. I am a soup/sauce genius! So far this is my strongest thing ever. I rock out soups like it's my job (lol maybe someday it will be) and my sauce are of perfect consistency. It's so great. Not to mention that my other classes are fucking easier than oh um let's say breathing... Computers is easy cuz I know all this shit already, and purchasing is just plain simple. We have to do math in purchasing, which I was a little worried about because I didn't know if I would remember everything my old professor had taught me. It's all good though. Our block is a great group, except for one, but that's okay because there has to be one in every group, right? It's all about attitude and cooperation. Some people lack things that piss everyone off, but what can you do? Move on. She won't last. I have a new kind of BFF, WR. (Not to be confused with WR from Midwest Financial, who is no longer a part of my life. So don't get all messed up.) She and I have a lot in common, and she really REALLY helped me through the whole Poke breakup bullshit. I like her, she is nice. LOL

Love life, or lack thereof, or prospective significant others - I recently started talking to an old person of interest, DBH. He and I have not met in person, but we talk on the phone and online for hours on end, and we've been friends for about a year and a half. He lives in New York State, about 8 hours from here. He has a shitty car, so he's going to have to fly if he wants to visit. It's amazing. He tells me he wants me so badly, and I'm like "why?" and he says it's because I turn him on so much. I'm like "well what about my devastating charm or big wrinkly brain?" and he responds that it's all part of the whole package. THE WHOLE PACKAGE! It's awesome. GG is the one who introduced me to him, and I'm glad she did. I was telling her about the recent developments in this potential relationship, and she's like "Well he's very quiet and neither Megz nor I have been able to get him to open up to us." (Megz is a friend he works with at OGR.) I told her that I haven't really put any pressure on him or tried to pry things out of him, we simply juat talk. Last night I asked him why he wants me, and he said "Because you're sweet and funny and you make me a better person when I'm talking to you." Awwwww.

That's all, I will totally keep you all updated, do not fear.

The Time's They Are A-Changin'

Well, as you all know, Poke left me, yet again. I suppose it's partly my fault for trusting him again, and believing him when he said he had changed/grown/found me to be the one he'd be with forever. But people are selfish and people run, so what can I do? He wanted it all, I gave it to him, but it just wasn't enough. But I digress.

School is going just awesome for me, I'm going to be a big time chef sooner than we all realize. I plan on doing my externship in Boston if I can get hooked up with a place there. Being single is now the best feeling in the world. Sure, I miss having someone to talk to and someone to share my accomplishments with, but knowing that I have NO ONE and NOTHING holding me back is absolutely wonderful. Imagine if I had stayed with him till the end of time - it probably would have turned out like my marriage, with me bringing home all the bacon and him sitting on his ass drinking and working a shit hole job, or maybe eventually, not even having one at all. So FUCK THAT and I rule.

Someday I'll be chowing down on fresh-from-Japan Kobe beef while he sits in his mom's apartment jacking off to clown porn and eating a rallyburger. GO ME!

(i) get lost

**Click Play on the Video First**

I'm sorry.
Why should I say I'm sorry?
If I hurt you,
You know you've hurt me too.

But you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing I can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

You're angry.
Why shouldn't you be angry?
With what we've been through,
Well I get angry too.

But you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing I can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

'Cause I am nothing without you.

Why should we have taken so long
To be looking inside of our mind?
Everything we tried went wrong.
Are we worried 'bout what we might find?

I'm sorry,
But can I say I'm sorry?
If I hurt you,
You know it hurts me too.

But you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing I can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

And you get lost inside your tears,
And there is nothing we can do,
'Cause I get lost inside my fear
That I am nothing without you.

'Cause I am nothing without you.
And I am nothing without you.
'Cause I am nothing without you.
'Cause I am nothing without you.

Three times the curse

Well fuck. I'm done.

"Zzyzx Rd."

I don't know how else to put this
It's taken me so long to do this
I'm falling asleep and I can't see straight
My muscles feel like a melee
My body's curled in a U-shape
I put on my best but I'm still afraid

Propped up by lies and promises
Saving my place as life forgets
Maybe its time I saw the world

I'm only here for a while
But patience is not my style
And I'm so tired that I gotta go

What am I supposed to hide now?
What am I suppose to do?
Did you really think I wouldn't see this through

Tell me I should stick around for you
Tell me I could have it all
I'm still too tired to care and I gotta go

I get to go home in one week
But I leaving home in three weeks
They throw me a bone just to pick me dry

I'm following suit and directions
I crawl up inside for protection
I'm told what to do and I don't know why

I'm over existing in limbo
I'm over the myths and placebos
I don't really mind if I just fade away

I'm ready to live with my family
I'm ready to die in obscurity
'Cause I'm so tired that I gotta go

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I suppose to do?
You still don't think I'm going see this through

Tell me I'm a part of history
Tell me I can have it all
I'm still to tired to care and I gotta go

Oh yeah
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Still too tired to care and I gotta go
Still too tired to care and I gotta go
Still too tired to care and I gotta go

Yeah, yeah

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

Go home

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

Yeah yeah

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

12 hours from now

...I'll be done with my first class of the new term. But for now, I can't FUCKING SLEEP. Grrr.



I'm not "nervous" or "excited" or "anxious" or whatever you wanna call it. I guess the word is "restless". I get so... restless... that I can't sleep. It happens every time something is going to happen the next day - interview, school, going to work after three days off, the Tuesday before my period (it usually comes on Wednesdays, lol), my birthday, ANYTHING. I just get all fucked up inside but I don't feel fucked up, and I just can't sleep. It's ridiculous. I get this weird little ache in my lower back, I lose my appetite, I get irritated easily. So strange. And as far as I can tell, there is nothing I can do about it. Damn.

More beer. Then "sleep", or, should I say, "laying in bed til the alarm goes off".

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Going on Year Three

Me and Poke on New Year's Eve

Well it'll be three years at the end of this month since I started this blog. I was reading some old posts and I'm just amazed at how things have changed. I'm not as angry as I used to be, there is a lot less drama in my life, and one thing has stayed the same: I'm constantly broke. Lame!

So, let's talk about the last week or so. After Christmas I worked a few days at the DQ, there was no snow anywhere, and things were going just fine. This past Sunday Poke and I spent a wonderful day together doing grownup things - first we went to Penn Station for lunch after I picked him up (it was gross but I think it's just that restaurant cuz it sucked both times I went there), then we tried to go to Revol to get a new battery for his phone but they were closed, then we headed to Easton to exchange the ring I got him for Christmas for a bigger size. I must stop here and says Jesus Mary and Joseph where the HELL did all these people come from?! Granted, I tend to stay away from any kind of public forum during the holiday season, and elected to get all my shopping done on the one day when there was a major snowfall and most schools were closed, at 11:30am on a Tuesday morning when nobody, and I do mean NOBODY but employees were at the mall. Needless to say, I was sure surprised when we got into the mall (after spending oh, about 15 minutes looking for a parking spot) and it was packed! What the heck!? But I digress. After the mall excursion, we headed over to Giant Eagle to get my prescription and to grocery shop for Poke's mom. I benefited by acquiring some cat litter, yay. We dropped off the groceries in a sneaky type-fashion, and then headed off to Marcus Crosswoods to see I Am Legend. I had originally wanted to surprise him with seeing No Country for Old Men, but it wasn't playing for another 3 hours. I Am Legend was a freakin' awesome movie, and I am not even going to say a word about it because every mother fucker in the WORLD needs to see this movie, oh. my. god. After the movie I dropped him off so he could get his car, then we chilled here, had some dinner (tasty but diarrhea causing Banquet Homestyle Bake!) watched a bunch of crap on TV and also watched a good show, The Tribal Life, on TLC or Travel or something. Good Times.

Monday Poke had to work so I laid around the house all day, did a little bit of laundry, but mostly napped on and off. I felt like an invalid! Seriously. Anyway, we were supposed to go to this place called Level One Lounge that is across from my parents' house, but of course Poke abandoned all plans as usual. I actually got to spend some time at his house with Poke's brother and his (girl)friend (strange) because their mom was at the zoo. Around 7:45pm though I started panicking because nobody knew when she had actually left, so nobody knew when she would be home. We headed over towards the Sawmill area, cuz that's where everyone wanted to be at, and decided to eat at Sunflower. The food there was really good, I mean you pretty much can't go wrong with Chinese food, but the service was terrible. Not even like, oh she can't speak English terrible, but just rude waitress terrible. Oh well. After that we drove around looking for Average Joe's because apparently that's where everyone wanted to go. Bah. We drove up and down Sawmill looking for it, I tried calling my parents and my brother to find out if they knew where Hoggy's was since it was next to the bar, and nobody was answering. Finally JWW figured out where it was, called us, and we got there in one piece. Of course we had to wait like 20 minutes for everyone else to show up, but whatever. We started out sitting at the bar, and I was getting really kinda irritated because JWW and his girl and their friend and D*Martin (yes he came with them!) were all talking and Poke and I were kind alienated. I saw a table open up behind us and I made everyone move over there, and finally it was a fun night.

JWW's girl's friend and D*Martin

JWW's girl!

JWW and his girlfriend

Me and Poke

JWW

Poke showin' off his new ring!

Me!

JWW and his girl, just after midnight...

Around 1:00am on 01/01/08 we left the bar and headed towards my parents' house. We stopped at another bar on the way there to get a six pack, and drank that while we laid on the pull-out sofa bed in their living room and watched The South Park Movie. I woke up to my mom calling me from Target to ask if a brown firescreen was OK. I said it was. They had already been to church and breakfast and some other stores. It was only 11:something am! I was sore as a goat because the pull-out is so ridiculously uncomfortable and basically like sleeping on a blanket covering three metal bars. Poke said it was better than my bed. I almost kicked him but I couldn't move because of all the pain. We laid around their house all day, watched American Hustle (which Poke actually enjoyed hahahaha I knew he would), then my mom made pork and sauerkraut and it was good and Poke didn't like it (I will admit the pork was dry and Poke is a gravy lovin' kinda guy) and we ate a lot of crescent rolls. Then we were going to hang out for a little while but my mom was bitching about how we just laid around all day and didn't do anything and said something about how she can't watch her TV til we leave (there are 3 or 4 TVs in the house by the way) and my dad was like "yeah HINT" so we left right then and there.

Shitty shitty weather awaited us outside. It wasn't too horrific, but the snow was blowing all over the road and made it hard to see if it was icy or not. We had planned to go see No Country for Old Men, so that's what we did, and damn that movie is so fucked up. I mean, even if I was a person who never swore or cursed in my entire life, I would have no other description than "fucked up" to describe it. It takes place in 1980, it's kind of a western, it's totally indescribable. I liked it. When we came out of the movie theatre, even shittier weather awaited us. I decided to take 270 home because I figured it would be clearer since there was more traffic on there than the regular roads. Yeah well that was a great plan until this asshole excursion van started tailing me and I started freaking out because they wouldn't pass me, then they finally did and as I was finally calming down a godforsaken semi truck roared past me and sprayed my windshield with crap and i couldn't see shit and I was freaking out even more so I just got off on 23 and took 161 all the way home. It was bullshit. We sat on the couch and watched SVU and finished off the wee bit of alcohol that was still left in the house.

In the morning there were schools and businesses closed and everything. I kept trying to call DQ to see if they wanted me to come in, but nobody answered. I had to take Poke home anyway, so I just got dressed and decided to work. We left the house at 9:30am, got to his place at 10:00 am (a normally 10 minute drive) and I got on 270 by his place and was delighted to see that it was nice and dry and clear so I ended up being only 6 minutes late for work. Work was alright yesterday, sometimes I get really frustrated because my boss (whom I've known for 10+ yrs) likes to make fun of me and put me down and all that, and seeing as I have like no self-confidence at all, it kinda pisses me off. Add his cunt wife to the mix and sometimes work is almost unbearable. But whatever. She snapped at me yesterday and I snapped right back and that's just the way it's going to be until the end of time or I find another job. I applied at a couple restaurants today so hopefully it will be the latter!

After work I got some Chinese food (I have phases where I really don't want to eat anything else, it's weird) and chilled out by myself. Took a little nap, watched mindless TV, drank some beers and settled in for my two favorite shows, WifeSwap and SuperNanny. They were great episodes last night, and there was even a bonus SuperNanny! WOOT! I cleaned the bathroom on commercials, and made a plan to clean today. Oh, I also discovered something last night - although I hate midgets, I have no problem with primordial dwarfs. Very interesting. I was watching some show last night on them too.

I've been up since 9:41am, and it's only 1:00pm. I haven't eaten anything but I'm only now starting to get hungry. I guess I'll have leftover Chinese and probably a quesadilla. I have to remind Poke to bring some meat (hehe) tonight so I can make dinner for us. I'm trying to plan a romantic evening in this wonderful clean new house but I suck at that shit so we'll see how it goes.

The End.

PS - Here is a pic of my new fireplace screen! It's to keep the cats out of the damn fireplace, those monsters...