It's a Small World After All

...but it's also an expensive and scary world, after all!

So, with Poke's large tax refund, we are going to take a vacation.  In the 6.5 yrs he & I have been together, we have not taken any vacations other than two days at Cedar Point in 2008.  This year we have the time, the money, and the togetherness to do it!  Finally!

I was looking at Disney vacations and extended an invitation to the grandparents to join us.  My friends, however, made a good point - 4L might get scared of the characters!  I can definitely see that happening, because he is often terrified of his own shadow - okay, maybe he's not that much of a scaredy cat, but he does get very very nervous (to the point where he starts yelling) around large groups of people.  Perhaps I should plan a Disney vacation for year 5 and not year 1.

That all being said, I think we are still going to head to Disney.  They have some really awesome resorts there, and we don't have to buy any tickets to the park, or we can buy one ticket for one day.  It might be nice to leave 4L in the baby room and go play with Poke at Disney World!  Of course I can just imagine feeling horribly guilty leaving him... but then again, maybe not.  Who knows?!  Definitely have to think about this.  Luckily the Disney vacations website has a sweet planning tool, where you can choose your style (basic - luxurious, dining plans, etc) and budget and they will give you all the options that fit.  Then, once you have those options, you can tweak it to match your exact needs.

If you have any suggestions on baby-friendly resorts, I would love to hear them!

Wii Fit Plus!

So, for Christmas, my FMIL (future mother in law) gave me a $50 gift card to Best Buy.  I was like "huh, what can I do with this?" because I don't generally buy anything there, and we already have all the electronics we could need.  Then, shortly after my 30th birthday, something (the fat pouch) inspired me to start losing weight - finally - and I began to come up with a plan.  I thought about going back to Weight Watchers, but they've changed their program so much and it's very, very expensive these days.  I checked it out and even though it would have been pretty easy to re-learn the new system, I wasn't interested in paying for it, so I ended up going back to SparkPeople.

SparkPeople is a website that offers nutrition, fitness, and other trackers.  They now have an app for your smartphone, too!  All I have to do is put in the foods I eat, and it will calculate it for me.  Almost every single food you can think of is in their database, or you can enter it manually.  To begin, you put in your weight, height, age, activity level, etc. and it tells you how many calories you can have per day, without exercising, to lose weight.  Then it says you should exercise, and encourages 30 min/day, 3x/week.  My numbers are pretty easy to follow: 1330-1660 calories/day, exercise 7 days/week to burn 299 calories every day, and drink 8+ glasses of water per day.

It's been a bit rough getting my calories in order, because I went from eating less than 1,000 calories a day to eating over 2,000 - thanks to working out and actually feeling hunger!  Silly brain, always going to one extreme or the other!  Anyway, it took about 10 days but I am mostly able to keep my calories close to 1660. I'm hovering around 1800, but I also burn anywhere from 310-490 calories per day.

...and that's where the Best Buy gift card comes in!  I started SparkPeople and didn't plan on exercising at all, just hoped that eating the right amount of calories would work (yeah, cuz it worked so well in the past...?).  Poke and I had left 4L at his Nana's house, and were running some errands when I remembered the gift card and suggested we go look to see what they had.  Originally I thought maybe I'd get a tablet or a TV, but even the smallest, cheapest tablets/TVs were well over $100 (I was willing to pay half).  We wandered around, checked out the GPS area, car stereos, and ended up by the video game systems.  YAY!  I thought maybe I'd get a few Wii games, and then it caught my eye - the Wii Fit Plus.  It was on sale, and with the gift card I ended up getting it for like $15. YAY!  It took a couple days to charge my batteries and get motivated, but I finally hopped on two days later.

At first, I was like "What. The. Fuck." because it was really weird to be standing on this balance board and moving the character on screen in all these strange games.  The little guy talked me through the process, doing a body test and introducing me to all the features.  I've been doing it for 16 calendar days now, 14 actual days (I take Tuesdays off), and I'm getting pretty good at most of the games.  It even includes Yoga and Strength Training, which at first I could not do and actually sobbed after trying.  These days I can do most of the Yoga and some of the Strength Training, and allegedly it will get easier as I go on.

The problem is, even though I've been working out steadily for two weeks, I haven't lost any weight.  I don't think I've lost any inches either because my jeans actually feel tighter!  I don't understand what is going on.  For the first time in my life I'm drinking plenty of water (36-44oz/day or more) and getting regular exercise, as well as burning way, way more calories than I take in.  My BMR is 2329 + 310 burned cals/average and subtract 1800 cals/eaten from that = 819 cals/differential.  They say to cut out 500/day to lose a pound a week... So why am I not losing any weight?!

I'm hoping that it's just a matter of getting things going, and sometime in the next week or so I'll start to see some results.  It'd be nice if I could just see something - even if my jeans just felt better.

Gluttons for Gluten(-free)

I am SO annoyed with this godforsaken Gluten-free trend that is sweeping America right now.  Everything is being changed to be Gluten-free, or labeled as “GLUTEN-FREE!” when it's always been Gluten-free, or there are new Gluten-free alternatives.  The thing is, a very, very small percentage of the population actually need Gluten-free food... but for some reason everybody and their goddam brother are scrambling for it and grabbing it off the shelves like it's cocaine-laced Slim-Fast.

The only people who truly need Gluten-free diets are those with Celiac or Duhring's diseases, and those with a wheat allergy.  There is zero evidence that it "cures" or "treats" Autism, although if you listen to the whack jobs *koff*Jenny McCarthy*koff*, it most certainly does (even though a professional, scientific study showed that it did absolutely nothing).  Unfortunately, like the Atkins, South Beach, Zone, Cabbage, Vinegar, etc etc etc, it has become the new fad diet.

The problem with going Gluten-free is that it can actually be quite dangerous if it's not necessary (and even when it is necessary, if you don't do it properly).  From the Wikipedia page on Gluten-free diets:

Deficiencies linked to maintaining a gluten-free diet. 

Many gluten-free products are not fortified or enriched and contain lower amounts of nutrients such as folate, iron, and fiber than other foods. Additionally, because gluten-free products are not always available, many Gluten-Sensitive Enteropathy (GSE) patients do not consume the recommended number of grain servings per day. A gluten-free diet may not meet the recommended intake for fiber, thiamine, riboflavin, niacin, folate, iron, or calcium. It is important for those who avoid gluten in their diet to find more nutrient-dense food sources to prevent such deficiencies. People who change their standard gluten-free diet to implement gluten-free oats at breakfast, high fiber brown rice bread at lunch, and quinoa as a side at dinner have been found to have significant increases in protein (20.6 g versus 11 g), iron (18.4 mg versus 1.4 mg), calcium (182 mg versus 0 mg), and fiber (12.7 g versus 5 g). The B vitamin group did not have significant increases, but were still found to have improved values of thiamine, riboflavin, niacin, and folate. These dietary changes can greatly reduce a GSE patient's risk for anemia (especially Iron Deficiency Anemia) and low blood calcium levels or poor bone health. 

Gluten-free foods include rice, potatoes, soybeans, maize, millet, buckwheat, amaranth and quinoa. The diet may be low in fiber, iron, folate, calcium, magnesium, zinc, vitamin D, B-complex vitamins (thiamin, riboflavin, niacin, and vitamin B12). Celiacs adhering to a gluten-free diet may be at risk for inadequate calcium, non-starch polysaccharides and Vitamin D. Oats can increase intakes of vitamin B1, magnesium, and zinc in celiac patient in remission.

The other thing is that even if a product is labeled Gluten-free, it might still contain Gluten (more on that later) because many factories use products that contain Gluten to dust their machines or process Gluten-not-free stuff on the same machines as Gluten-free.  Then there's the issue of alcohol.  Of course there is Gluten-free alcohol out there, but if it is made from any kind of grain, it contains Gluten.  So if I see your stupid face with a beer or whisky or whatever, telling me about your Gluten-free Lent, I'm going to kick you.

Also, it is almost impossible to be completely Gluten-free (unless it was supposed to be that way), and that "Gluten-free" really just means a teeny-tiny amount of Gluten (because 0 calories actually means <1 calories, and 0 carbs means <1 carb and so forth).  Did you know that the amount of Gluten at which intolerance presents itself is undetermined?  Yeah, I didn't think you did. Probably because you think Gluten-free is going to help you lose weight or be healthier.  Sorry Charlie, you're just a fucking moron.

I just get so incredibly frustrated!  I'm not going to lie and say I've never tried a fad (diet or otherwise) or prayed/hoped for some miracle cure for my morbid obesity, but sometimes I just cannot comprehend what people are thinking.  Why would you remove something totally innocent from your diet for no reason, especially if removing said thing could actually create a nutritional deficiency?  Ridiculous.  The problem is that people eat too much fake food.  Why did the Atkins diet work for so many people?  Yes, because they cut out carbs, but not because they cut out carbs - Americans eat way too many carbs in the first place!  Atkins doesn't rule anywhere else like it does here because the rest of the world knows how to eat in moderation.  Eat whatever the hell you want - just don't eat ten pounds of it!  Also, eat REAL food - they say five ingredients or less, but I find that to be a bit restrictive.  I have eaten Helper three times in the last three years, and those three times I felt (and did nothing but) shit the next day.  Too many preservatives!  Cheese powder?! YUCK!  Seriously.  When I learned in culinary school that margarine is one molecule away from being plastic, I decided to start making a change in my diet.  I've given up all lite/low fat/etc foods because they aren't real - no canola/vegetable oil either, only olive oil (I do have a bottle of canola that I've been working on for about 2 years now, and I just can't bear to get rid of it and throw away all that money - it's used very sparingly!)  Splenda and Diet pop are the only fake foods that are regularly let into this house.  I'm not trying to be some guru or trendsetter, but come on people - there's a reason why we're all so fat.  You might be saying to yourself, "Who the fuck are you, Kel-Bell?" and I will answer "I'm just a well-educated mother, partner, and chef who wants to make the best life for my family and myself."

Happy Birthday, Abie Baby...

Since it's 1:52am, it's technically Presidents' Day.  Abraham Lincoln's birthday was seven days ago and George Washington's was eight, but whatever.

This, along with the current election shit that's already hitting the fan, makes me wonder what our founding fathers would think of the government these days.  Yes, I know Lincoln was not a founding father.

There have always been "sides", cliques, parties, whatever, since the dawn of time.  Sometimes a girl like me, however, just doesn't know where she belongs!  The liberals piss me off because, as the sayings go, they don't want to get jobs/use facts/allow babies to be born/etc.  The extreme right, on the other hand, pisses me off because they insist on putting God into everything, perpetuating an ancient caste system that should have never occurred in America, and having a tendency to skew things into what they want it to be.  

What I really want to be is a Socialist.  I truly believe that if everyone actually had to work for the irrefragable greater good, they might fucking do it.  There is too much distance between the rich and the poor, and us middle class people are the ones suffering.  How can the middle class be determined by $15k-$250k per year?!  If Poke made $250k per year, I'd be wearing diamonds in my pussy and 4L would have gold-plated diapers.  We live off of $27k, and barely make it.  Thanks to WIC, we don't have to buy food for 4L, but that is only 1/3 of our monthly grocery bill.  What are we supposed to do when he starts eating real food, and more of it?  Currently we get 32 jars of baby food in a month, and he eats 2/day - that's clearly not enough.  I have to supplement with actual food, which is fine because I want him to eat what I cook and get used to it, but there are some things that aren't nutritionally sound for a 7 month old!  We don't qualify for any other kind of aid, and even though I have no job and no income at all, I don't qualify for any kind of Medicare/Medicaid.  It's BULL.  Meanwhile there are people out there buying alcohol, cigarettes, and all kinds of fried fucking chicken with their goddamn EBT cards.  

Not.Fair.

But I digress.

I have a friend who is a conspiracy theorist (a real one, not the speculative kind like Poke used to be), and a friend who is a die-hard liberal.  I don't have too many straight-up conservative friends, although one comes pretty close.  I respect all of their opinions, I don't always agree, but sometimes I just can't understand.  It seems like the folks who are set squarely into one of these groups (whatever group they choose) always has to run screaming into the conversation, blasting those who disagree or are different, and stating reasons why their group is the only/best group.  It's fucking ridiculous!

To me, some things just aren't important enough to be a true political affair - women changing their last name, light bulbs, living on the moon.  Then, there are the things that are important - abortion, taxes, health care... that's where I get all stretched out.  I can sum up my feelings in three neat bullets:

• Abortion = Murder
• Taxes should be lower for me (and those who make less than me), and higher for those who make more than me.
• Health care should be publicly funded (See: France)

I guess that's it for today.  Here's a video for you, in honor of Presidents' Day!

*Does not connotate affiliation with the modern Tea Party

Fat vs Thin vs Bottle vs Breast vs ...?...

There's a lot of speculation out there about feeding a baby too soon, with a spoon, and feeding it rice/oatmeal/etc.  They say it causes obesity and diabetes, but where are they getting this information?  IF they are getting it from looking at our generation, and even our parents' generation, it doesn't correlate.  We're obese/diabetic because of our current lifestyles, not because of what we ate 30+ years ago! Genetics does play a role; as I've said before, my brother and I were fed exactly the same way as babies and yet he turned out slim & fit whereas I'm morbidly obese.  His parents were small and thin, my parents were average and stocky. 

I even read an article just now about a "study" they did on 92 spoon-fed babies vs 63 breast-fed babies.  10 of the spoon babies were overweight, and 9 of the breast babies were overweight.  First of all, they clearly stated that all the children were within a "normal healthy" weight range - so these "overweight" children were probably just the top 10 and top 9 of their groups.  Second, 10 out of 92 (10.87%) is significantly less than 9 out of 63 (14.24%), which to ME would indicate that the breast-fed children were actually the ones who had a "problem"!  In fact, I have a friend whose son was born 10 days after 4L, and is considerably larger than him.  

Due to the complications from my C-section, I only nursed 4L for about 10 days, while her son has been nursed the entire time.  Using that as anecdotal evidence, in combination with the aforementioned "study", I'd say breast-fed babies do tend to be larger - and it makes sense!  They get all the nutrients, calories, antibodies, etc etc etc EVERYTHING from the mother, and who knows what she's eating (I don't mean my friend here, cuz she is healthy, but I mean other mothers that I don't know!).  Spoon-fed babies are fed specific amounts at a time, leaving no question as to how many calories they are actually getting and from where those calories are coming.

Obviously, I'm not a doctor or scientist, and I only took one nutrition course in college.  That being said, I do read a lot, on both sides of the argument (whatever the argument may be!), and I have my own experiences to draw from.  Personally, and I know others who agree, I think that nobody really, truly knows wtf is going on with babies, and it's all just speculation.  Thirty years ago my parents were told to put me on my stomach to sleep, along with millions of other babies, and we all lived.  4L HATED sleeping on his back, and now that he's old enough to roll around on his own, he sleeps 99% of the night on his stomach.  Babies who sleep on their backs still die from SIDS, because nobody knows what causes SIDS. I would be willing to make a bet that in less than ten years, we'll be back to formula is the best and sleeping on the stomach is correct.  I can picture it now, doctors telling insanely obese/diabetic mothers that their milk is just too diseased/fatty/diabetic/etc to feed to a newborn, and that formula would be safer. Right now there's a big push for ADHD medications/diagnoses, and I think that in less than ten years the medical field will agree that it's lazy parenting because they'll have moved onto the next thing that Big Pharm wants to hawk.

...And that's my blogpost for the morning.  Now we're off to baby laptime at the library, cuz one thing is for sure- books will never be bad! (Unless you're CS Lewis in Fahrenheit 451... ok, gotta stop there!)

What do these dreams really mean?

Last night I had two very, very sad dreams.  It started out with my friend and I hanging out at his house, and being bored so we went to the mall. The mall was very modern and had all the expensive stores.  We walked around for awhile, until we ended up in a store that sold little trinkets and the like - all made of gold, silver, crystal, diamonds, etc.  He and I were in the back where the salesgirl couldn't see us, and he pushed up against me and started kissing me.  I quickly pulled back, laughed, and reminded him that I had a boyfriend and a son, and that this was neither the time nor the place even if I had been available.  He backed off, and things went back to normal... or so I thought.  We left the store and as we were walking he pulled a small gold sculpture out of his pocket.  He stopped, held it out to me, and started confessing his love.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing, not only because I had just told him I was unavailable, but because he was supposed to have a girlfriend, because we had been friends with benefits years ago and it never turned into anything more, and because I hadn't even seen him in over five years before this day. I took the sculpture and started walking back to the store, determined to return it, and he followed me.  Then I realized I might get pinched for shoplifting, so he and I hightailed it out of there. We ended up at my place, where Poke & 4L weren't home for whatever reason, and he tried kissing me again.  I felt so sad because although it was nice to be wanted, I knew it would/could never work with this guy, and I owe so much to Poke for being such a good father & partner.  He told me that he would wait for me, no matter how long it took for me to come to him.  This also made me sad because I knew he might die waiting.

Once that dream faded out, the next one started.  I was back at Bishop Ready High School, to see a musical with some old friends of mine.  The four of us, and our boyfriends at the time, had all starred in the same musical twenty years before.  The dream was a combination of flashbacks and current times, highlighting the youthful innocence of first true love between myself and my deceased (dream) husband, Jessica and her boyfriend who did not become her husband, Sarah and her husband, and Katie and her boyfriend who became her ex-husband. As we sat and watched the musical, we remembered being so young and carefree, with the boys who would be our partners through thick and thin - mostly. 

Sarah had Troy, who was tall and lanky with huge ears and a huge heart.  They married straight out of high school and had stood the test of time, even through illnesses, family deaths, and the birth of two sets of triplets, ages ten and seven.  Katie and John, on the other hand, had also married straight out of high school and stayed together a long time, but had recently divorced amid accusations of affairs, alcoholism, and abuse.  She had been strong, but was stronger now knowing she had made the right decision.  They had an adult daughter, born just three months after graduation.  Jessica had dated Aaron, and although they had stayed together throughout college and even after that, they never got married.  According to Jess, they stayed in touch and often got together for "drinks", as she put it, but you could tell it was painful for her.  I got the feeling that Aaron didn't want to commit, but wanted Jessica nonetheless... just physically and not emotionally.  Being 38 years old, Jess didn't feel up to starting a new dating life, since she had never been with another man other than Aaron.  I had been married to Travis, who had been killed in a car accident about two years prior.  We were so in love, it was like a fairy tale, and my life had been incredibly empty and miserable since.  I tended to keep to myself, holed up in the house surrounded by all of Travis's things.  I slept with his sweatshirts, I sprayed his cologne around so that I would never forget the smell of him, I used his shaving cream. We had one son, Jared, who was eleven.  Jared had dealt with his grief and moved on, although he could sense that I was simply putting on a happy face for him.  We never talked about his dad - never. 

Getting together with my best girlfriends was a weekly tradition, but this night was especially emotional and sentimental because of the setting. As we sat in the stands of the elaborate, modern auditorium, the high school boys came up and danced around us, making us feel so old and yet so young at the same time... did I mention that the musical was "Hair"? (Yeah, as if that would ever happen! Especially not at a Catholic School!)  Amid all this nostalgia, there were plenty of strange things happening, such as the kid who played Hud gyrating all over me as I stood and tried to talk with the kid who played Berger.  Then, as Hud walked away, the kid who played Berger started gyrating on me as I tried to find my seat. I finally got to sit down when he went back stage, but as I watched the second act I couldn't stop sobbing.  Jess asked me what was going on, and I told her that this entire evening was just too emotional for me, too overwhelming, and that I had to go.  At that moment, Sheila (the character) came running down the aisle carrying Chrissy (the character) screaming something about her being on fire, and that was the clincher for me. I knew I had to get out of there.  

Jess, Sarah, and Katie all walked me out, and as we stood in the parking lot the dream turned into a montage of our memories.  There was the time when Troy and Travis proposed to Sarah and I on Valentine's Day of our senior year, the summer before that when the eight of us had gone camping and several - if not all - had their "first times", and the homecoming dance freshman year when we had all first started as couples and friends and started our journey to adulthood.  In the dream, my heart was breaking, and I could feel my emotional pain becoming physical pain, and I almost felt like I could die.

When I woke up, it all seemed so real, but more like a real movie I had seen rather than real life, like dreams sometimes do.  The feelings in the dream had been so strong, I haven't been able to shake them all day.  I have this sense of sadness that won't leave, this sense of nostalgia like "Where did I go wrong?" or "I should have paid more attention/cared more/done this/that/etc."  It's so weird.

Usually I can figure my dreams out, like why I was dreaming of the subject or situation, and sometimes I just chalk it up to my imagination running wild while I sleep because being a homemaker often leaves little time for myself.  Then there are dreams like last night's, and I wonder what the fuck is going on in my brain.  I love Poke, and 4L, and I would not trade them for the world.  That's not to say that my relationship with Poke is perfect, but it's not like he's dead to me (as the dream may have suggested) or like I am trying to find someone new.  The only part I can understand, which is somewhat present in the first dream and blatantly obvious in the second, is the companionship.  I have plenty of friends, but I have no true "best friend", someone who picks me first, calls me first, etc.  I don't have someone's house I can go to for anything - watch the kid, cup of coffee, vent about Poke, whatever.  I used to have a best friend, I used to have several best friends over the years, and something always happens.  Once, I moved, twice, he moved (two different he-friends), once, I got married (which killed two best friendships in one fell swoop), once I acted like a cunt and ruined it all, once her boyfriend hit me in the face with a six-pack of beer and she defended him, and once they couldn't get past their own drama to allow for true friendship. Then there were the three different women I was best friends with, but in all three cases it just kinda faded away because our lives no longer synced like they had at one point.

Prior to be a SAHM, I guess none of this really mattered to me because I had girls at work to talk to.  I could vent about Poke, eat lunch with them, sit by them at meetings, whatever.  We rarely did anything outside of work, but it didn't really matter because I saw them daily or almost daily.  Then, suddenly (and not-so-suddenly) I find myself doing exactly the job I want to do, but feeling a little bit empty sometimes, and very alone a lot of the time.  My mom always wants to know why I post every little thing on Facebook, and I can't explain it to her, but I'm going to try to explain it to you.  The reason I post every little thing on Facebook is because when I get a lot of likes, comments, etc, it's almost like having a real-life friend.  All those clicks add up to what a real, live person would/could do for me emotionally.  

Girls have told me to join Mommy & Me groups or something similar, but I don't have good luck with what I call "forced friendship".  I'd rather become friends with someone on accident than be forced into it just because we happen to see each other every other Friday.  I don't know, I guess that doesn't make much sense.  I wish I had a club to join, an inexpensive club, for moms like me who feel like me and think like me.  There are so many moms out there today that are Tigers or Alpha or Helicopter, I can't take it.  I get very defensive because I just want people to let me do what I want to do, let believe what I want to believe, and so on, and I often (VERY OFTEN) feel like I am being attacked or put down or that they are trying to convert me to their system.  It's like all the damage my husband and my former supervisors did to my self-esteem and way of dealing just hasn't gone away yet.  Sometimes I even wonder if I have a slight case of PTSD because there are certain situations in which I turn off or fly off and it's always directly related to "taking things personally".  

LOL, I think I need to go back to seeing Dr. Bob!  Maybe someday, if I ever have insurance again.

Midnight Mobile Blogging

Welcome to the first post from my blogger app. Hopefully this will help me blog more often! There are so many times during the day when I'm like "I should blog about that!" But by the time I get to a computer, I've already forgotten all of it. Yay smartphone! :-)

Honey Do List

Normally, the "Honey" in "Honey Do" is the husband/boyfriend/etc, but in this case, it's myself.  I literally made a chore chart and hung it on the fridge so that I could make sure I get everything done that I want/need to get done in a week.  It doesn't include extras, like lunch out with my friends or shopping, but it's actual chores and other tasks that I really feel I have to do: Kitchen, Bathroom, Laundry, Vacuum, 30 min 4x/week on the Wii Fit, Drink 6-8 glasses of water daily, Write a Blog Post 2x/week, Project with 4L3x/week, Bake 1-2x/week, and Read books with 4L3-4/week (he's a little too young to pay attention for very often!).  So far the chart has worked, cuz I love  seeing all those check marks... except I keep failing to post in the blog.  This short post is going to have to count though because 4L is crying and needs to nap.  I WILL post more later!