Please Come to Boston for the Springtime...

Things are going well. I don't even know what to talk about really, because there is no real pain, no real sadness... everything is going pretty damn good for me. I aced all three classes this term (just ended yesterday), Poke is back in the picture (no, we are not getting back together but he's making a really good case for himself), I seemed to have discarded all the baggage I've been carrying (other than divorce and financial problems, those may never go away...) as far as shitty friends and stuff like that go. I'm a happy girl. I guess I could tell you about how much I fucking hate DQ, about my interview with this character from Dreamgirls where I would like to work in their kitchen but he says I don't have buffet experience so he wants me to have one of my chefs teach me so I can get the job and teach them... I applied at Steak and Shake too, but they haven't called me yet, I guess they will on Monday or Tuesday. I need to get another student loan because my hours at DQ suck and I can't pay the bills. My electric bill was $170.00. I can't even buy groceries. I did talk to MMA tho and he said he'd pay for the disillusion so that might be good. If he does it.

23 Minutes in Hell

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: Ian G
Date: Feb 18, 2008 6:30 PM


From: ATHEISTS AGNOSTICS SKEPTICS & HUMANISTS ON MYSPACE
Date: Feb 18, 2008 5:12 PM

wtf.

The strange thing about being single is that I get hit on...

by

* hondurans
* el salvadorians
* half black/half asians
* short jamaicans
* assholes
* rappers

This was all last night. Now, I'm definitely not racist or wtfever, but omg. Bizzy was there, tellin me how cute I am (couldn't buy me a drink tho!), these 2 hispanic dudes were talking to me in spanish and i was like wtf how do you know i speak spanish, this incredibly short jamaican guy kept telling me dirty perverted things disguised as "articles he read in men's magazine", this asshole told me about the rodeo and his favorite part where the monkey rode the border collie like a horse, and the half black/asian guy was actually the only one that sparked my interest. I may call him on wednesday like I said I would. He was normal. But I've never dated outside my race. Especially twice! (ROFL that was a terrible attempt at being clever.)

Have a great day.

Oooh child things are gonna get easier...

Well Poke and I are talking again. Nothin' doin', we're not getting back together, but for once in our lives I was able to really tell him what the facts were and he actually listened. Good. Maybe we can be normal friends, since we are so ingrained in each other as it is.

And the award goes to...

Me!

For being overdramatic last night when I posted the last blog. I was feeling really shitty, and kinda blew it out of proportion. Yeah, shit still hurts but I will be fine.

Days Come and Go

Being alive hurts so much right now.

In the last 40 days, I've lost my boyfriend (who, it seems, already has a new girlfriend), one of my best friends, and a very good friend that I was looking forward to getting to know a lot better. Why does everyone leave me? GG is the only friend I have now in 2008 that I had in 2007, 2006, and 2005. Heck, we were even friends for part of 2004. What is wrong with me? What have I ever done to deserve this? I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm feeling pain for myself. I hurt so much, I can't even put it into words. Everyone leaves me and moves on with their lives, being happy, and it doesn't even seem like life without me is any worse or better than before. How can you just drop someone who was a major everyday part of your life and not be affected? Even after I've broken up with someone, I still miss their presence in my life. Maybe I'm strange. I don't know. All I know is that this shit hurts and I don't really know what keeps me going anymore. I want to curl up in a ball and die. Earlier this year I was so fucking happy. I didn't think anything could go wrong. I guess that was where I went wrong. Even school means practically nothing to me right now, but it's the only thing I have so I might as well do a good job at it. I'm just a shell of what used to be. That was so cliche, but I can't think of anything else to describe it. I want to stab myself in the heart and just be done with it.

You take the breath right outta me - You left a hole where my heart should be.

Enemy - New Favorite Song

The words you used were mine, used a thousand times
Doesn't make them what I've bled
I hated you, I loathed you
Though felt, I never let the words begin to spill

Make me sick 'till I can't breathe
Never want to be your enemy
Silence me, so I can't be,
Never want to be your enemy
I walk the

High road away from you
God knows what I've been through
This is the life I have, this is the life I choose
I walked away, the high road away from you
Walk away, walk away, you made an enemy

I never, I never wanted, I never wanted to poison or burn through
Labeled malcontent, by bastards of decent,
excuse this place I stand, words are to elude you

Make me sick 'till I can't breathe
Never want to be your enemy
Silence me, so I can't be,
Never want to be your enemy
I walk the

High road away from you
God knows what I've been through
This is the life I have, this is the life I choose
I walked away, the high road away from you
Walk away, walk away, you made an enemy

Deep inside realize never want to be your enemy
Change me, rearrange me, make me your enemy (Yeah)
Deep inside realize never want to be your enemy (Walk away from)
Change me, rearrange me, make me your enemy (Enemy, yeah)
Deep inside realize never want to be your enemy (Walk away from)
Change me, rearrange me, make me your enemy, your enemy
I walk the

High road away from you
God knows what I've been through
This is the life I have, this is the life I choose
I walked away, the high road away from you
Walk away, walk away, you made an enemy

The Twilight Zone

I.
Can't.
Sleep.

I have a doctor's appointment at 10 am tomorrow morning (well ok, i should say in six flippin' hours...) and I am NOT tired. Now, if I didn't have to work tomorrow night it wouldn't be so bad, but tomorrow is going to be the LONGEST day ever.



Other news:
Still haven't heard from my friend. I'm worried. I know he won't pull a Poke on me and just take off, and sometimes I know he gets a little antisocial, I just wish he'd at least say hi or something. Maybe I'm being selfish, but goddamnit, I want to talk to my friend!

I gave up beer for lent again this year. So far, so good. I don't think I will miss it, as I am now more open to liquor-based drinks such as cheap vodka and soda water, lol.

I guess that's all. Oh, here are birthday pics:

Me and MW

Me and KS from school

Me and AT from school

My super awesome cup with lights and a penis!

Me drinking from said cup

MW and her girlfriend

AC yay

Me and RW from school

Me and RP from school

Me and EM from school

Open Mouth, Insert Foot.

Ack. I wish sometimes I could just say things without the entire world crashing down around me.

DBH and I are not in a relationship, ya know? We're just friends. We're just talking. Even so, he's worried about his two friends who don't like me over something I said over a year ago (you may recall someone being described as loking like a potato.) He doesn't want to be in the situation where they make them choose, and I sure don't want that either. I would never want to come between him and his friends. Well anyway, last night I was talking to GG and told her to keep things on the downlow, so as to keep all drama to a minimum. It's not like he's hiding anything, he's just not volunteering any info (his words.) This is all fine with me. But for some reason it really upset him last night and now I feel like shit. We were talking about it last week and we were both really upset over it, but I don't know what happened last night. I think maybe when I said "whatever, it's fine, I'm used to it" he thought that I was comparing him to Poke. I just have to make sure he knows that I would never compare him to Poke in any way whatsoever other than to tell him how much better he is than Poke ever could be. Just the fact that he's worried about this whole friend thing and how they will react shows me that he cares so much. Poke was always like "fuck you, I'm not telling my mom and that's it." Except for now DBH is not talking to me. I sent him a little e-card apologizing for upsetting him, I know he saw it, but he didn't respond to my texts last night. I'm just going to give him some time and space to chill out, because I don't want to seem clingy or as if I'm turning this whatever it is into a big deal relationship or something. I just feel so shitty for hurting my friend and making him upset.

*sigh* That's about all for now.

Sex

OMG!

Ok, that was for DBH. He said I should post that, so I did. But now I shall continue. My birthday was SUPER fun on Friday. A lot of people came, WR, EM, KS, AT, RP, RW - all from school, plus MW and her girlfriend, AC, The Sir and his girl, and one of EM's friends I met at the end of last term. It was a blast. There was a new karaoke guy doing the show, and he was so fun. I really REALLY like his system, it's clear and good. The only problem was that I was so nervous to sing in front of my friends that I didn't rock out like I normally do. OH well. For my birthday I got a super cool cup with lights and a penis inside and a card from MW and her girlfriend, a card from everyone at the bar, a card from the people at school, a card from AT, and a card with 5 lottery tickets from The Sir and his girl - I won $3.00! I drank and drakn and my tab was only $10 lol, but I was so drunk that they wouldn't let me drive home even though I insisted it would be fine cuz I live across the street, but AC took me home anyway.

Saturday, I woke up around 8:00 am and walked over to Groucho's parking lot and got my car. I think I was still a bit intoxicated, but maybe I was just still half asleep. I dunno. Either way, when I got home, I made a grilled cheese sandwich, talked on the phone for a bit, and then napped until almost 2:00 pm. I pretty much laid around all day long, ate some food, laid around some more, napped randomly... yeah. It was nice. RM called me at some point, and we talked about goign out to Helen's again. She had to go out with some friends from work, so we hooked up around 10:30pm. While I was waiting for her, DBH called me and we talked for about an hour. That was nice. He was on his way back from PA, and I told him he should have driven the other way because PA is right next to Ohio and it would have been only like 6 hrs to get here. Oh well! Soon enough. But I digress. RM and I went to Helen's and it was so fun. I love those people! They are all older, crazy, and love karaoke. They are all super nice too and really have manners. The karaoke dude's wife kept trying to hook me up with this guy that I've known for about 4 years, and I was like "noooooo NO NO NO" but she kept insisiting that I "agress" and try to get him to talk to me. Now let me tell you, once a long time ago I was on match.com and this dude ended up being like a 99% match on their little system. He's alright, but not very cute, and he's kinda strange in a very strange way. I just can't even like... have a conversation with him, let alone try to date this guy! Oh well. We had so much fun, it was awesome, I was happy.

Then I made a mistake when I got home. I got on myspace for shits, and noticed that one person was missing from my friend list. I checked it out, and it ended up being Poke's brother who had deleted me. Then for some reason I decided to look at Poke's page, and some bitch had left a comment about fucking on there. I got all irritated and upset, but whatever. If that's what he's going to fuck after leaving me, more power to him. He's never going to find someone as awesome as I am. I've already got somebody in my life who is more caring, romantic, and who wants me more than he ever did. Good luck to him, and once again, I hope his penis falls off. he doesn't deserve to have one.

Sunday morning I woke up sad, so I talked to DBH and he made me feel so much better. Sometimes I just need all that reassurance. I get all these shitty thoughts in my head and I can't get them out, and I need someone to stick their little prongs into my brain and pull all the crap out. Ya Know? Anyway, I got a little sad again after feeling better because DBH told me that he is not, in fact, taking a week off in March because he already used up his vacation. I wasn't too sad though, since it only costs $35 on SkyBus to fly here for a weekend. All we have to do is coordinate our work schedules. It will be just fine. I CAN'T WAIT! Hahaha, yes, I'm excited.

Later, when I get home, I will post pictures of my birthday.