Justin Bieber 2011 Macy's Black Friday commercial

Justin Bieber 2011 Macy's Black Friday commercial

HILARIOUS!!

Wait, wait... I never had a chance to love you...

Ok, so the title of this post may be a little dramatic.  I'm just struggling right now with some things, and I feel like life is flying by while I hang on by a thread.

1) 4L is growing so fast! Too fast!  He's almost four months (only 4 days til his 4 month mark) and he's already rolling over, grasping, wanting real food, drooling like a puppy, and almost sleeping through the night.  He scoots off his tummy time mat, and I'm afraid he'll crawl away one day and I won't be able to find him, or he'll get stuck under the couch, or crawl down the steps & fall. He sat up the other night, all by himself, but he hasn't done it again since then.  I just want him to stay little!  At the same time, I can't wait for him to grow up.  I'm so excited to see how advanced he will be, if he will be like me and read at an early age, what he will like, if he will like dinosaurs or trucks or animals... I am just so excited and nervous at the same time.

2) I need to chill the fuck out, seriously.  I am so hard on myself, and people have always told me this, and I know that I have always been this way.  It's just so hard to let things go.  Like I told my friend Psyn, I'm so full of guilt that if I was any more Catholic, I'd be Jewish.  I know I should take time to do things just for myself, but it is so hard to justify anything that doesn't benefit my family in some way.  I feel selfish even just thinking of having a hobby that is just for me and just for fun!  My hobbies right now include clipping coupons, cooking, and researching ways to save money.  Poke said Tupperware is a hobby, but to me it's more of a job (more on that debacle later).  I also need to figure out how to get more sleep.  My brain won't shut off because I'm so hysterical (in  my mind) over hundreds of things that I literally lay in bed and just think.  There have been far too many times in my life, especially in the last four months, that I have been awake for 24+ hours just because I was stressed over what was going through my mind.  If the brain's thinking isn't keeping me awake, my brain's need for order is doing it - forcing me to clean/organize/tidy up/etc around the house so that it gets done while 4L is sleeping and Poke is sleeping/at work.  I can't even watch my favorite TV shows, I put them on and fold laundry or read the paper or do something so that I can claim multitasking and now feel lazy.  I just feel that I need to justify staying home, even though it's financially and emotionally best for us.  I'd feel even more guilty if 4L was at daycare, so that's one thing.  On the other hand, since I'm not bringing in any money (more on that later too), I feel like everything has to be spectacular for Poke so that he doesn't think I'm just some lazy woman mooching off his hard earned paycheck.  He's NEVER said anything like that, but I'm worried that we'll get in a fight or something one day and he'll say it.  I guess I'm just paranoid.

3) Tupperware - what a mess.  I did my first bazaar last Saturday and it was a bust.  I only got two orders, which would have been okay, except for I messed up the prices and now I have to try and get other orders to fix the problem, or pay the difference ($60) myself.  Luckily my work friend is having a party next Monday, so hopefully I can add them on to those orders - as long as I GET the right kind of orders! I came home from the bazaar and cried my eyes out for 20 minutes.  I was very frustrated because I have never been good at retail and I should never have gotten involved in this selling business.  The only good thing about the bazaar was that I did pass out a lot of catalogs and collect a lot of names, so now my info is out there and maybe I'll get some kickbacks from that.

4) Student Loans! I will finally start paying, almost three years after they started to come due.  This whole time I have been unable to pay, and not because I didn't work - even when I was working full time I still couldn't pay because the total for all my loans was well over $1,000 per month.  Sallie Mae refused to work with us on anything, and eventually the forbearance ran out.  Well, about a month ago, a guy named Paul came and knocked on my door.  He handed me an envelope and said he had an opportunity for me to work at CCI part time to help pay my student loans.  I was like yeah, right, and threw the envelope in the trash.  That was on a Tuesday, and on Thursday this girl Ashley called me about it.  I told her that I wasn't going to do it because there was no way I'd be able to get a sitter and blah blah blah Poke's weird schedule blah blah blah, but then she said it would be $25/hr and I could work basically whatever hours I chose.  So I went to the orientation, saw some old friends, met the new director, and got hired.  I'm working one day a week, four hours, cuz that's all they'll let us work.  My new student loan payments are about $200/mo, which will let me have about $125 in extra money/mo, and I can save it all or give it to Poke if he needs it for bills. Yay!

5) On the 27th, 4L will be baptized in the Catholic Church.  Poke isn't any religion, but I was raised Catholic, and originally we weren't going to get him baptized.  Then I started thinking about his tiny little soul, and was overwhelmed by the thought that if something were to happen to him, where would his soul go?  I would never be able to live with myself thinking that my baby's soul was just lost in limbo.  Poke and I talked about it, and he agreed that having 4L baptized would only do good, so that was that.  Since having 4L, I've gone back to church, and it's pretty good.  A teacher once told me that Catholicism wasn't a childrens' religion, and I think now that she was right on.  I understand more now, and I care more, and I'm taking it seriously.  For the past 14-ish years, I wandered around looking for answers and trying to find my own way, and eventually I was led back here.  I guess this is where I belong.

The Beauty of the United States

...is that we all have the right to vote. Issue 2 did not pass and SB5 ended up being repealed. It's too bad really, because Ohio could have saved so much money and budgets could have been balanced. My friend Nick put it perfectly: 

Why do unions continue to give annual pay raises when nearly all other jobs have pay freezes? Does not make sense to me. Seems like annual pay raises would contribute to faster inflation and increased expenses & taxes. I thought we were in a recession. I thought now was the time to cut back and decrease expenses or at least keep them the same.

Yeah, you'd think so, right? Guess that only applies to people who don't benefit from SB5.

VOTE YES ON ISSUE 2/SB 5!

Everything you're about to read came directly from The Columbus Dispatch, pages G4 and A15, Sunday November 6th, 2011.  I couldn't have said any of it better myself, so I just copied and pasted it here for you.


LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Safety Workers are Compensated Well

In an effort to gain knowledge on how to vote on State Issue 2/Senate Bill 5, I listened to friends who reminded me that police officers and firefighters put their lives on the line and deserve every consideration. And since segments of my life have been somewhat at risk as a farmer, a fighter pilot and a helicopter pilot, each of which have had moments of high concern, I wondered how dangerous occupations rated and whether the salaries and benefits are commensurate.Internet findings gave me some insight.
Of the 2009 most-dangerous occupations, fishermen are No. 1, with 200 fatalities per 100,000 employed, and have an average salary of $22,160. Airline pilots have 57 fatalities per 100,000 and an average salary of $53,990. Roofers have 34 fatalities per 100,000 and an average salary of $41,200. Crop farmers have 30 fatalities per 100,000 and an average salary of $24,900. Livestock farmers have 14.9 fatalities per 100,000 and an average salary of $24,900. Police officers have 13.1 fatalities per 100,000 and an average salary of $55,400. Firefighters have 4.4 fatalities per 100,000 and an average salary of $47,760.
We always will consider police officers and firefighters to be our heroes, but when compared with others at high risk, some with even-higher skill requirements, I think their unions have placed an undue burden on society.
After due consideration, I will vote for State Issue 2.
JOHN A. STEVENSON
Circleville

State Issue 2 will hold line on spending

It's time to stop spending money. I have voted yes on every levy to raise my property taxes for schools, law enforcement and fire protection.
I believe in supporting these institutions, but now it's time to stop and assess the situation, because outside forces are corrupting these valuable institutions and those outside forces must be dealt with.
I believe the legislature and Gov. John Kasich took a bold step to deal with these corrupting outside forces and I support their efforts. Ohioans must vote yes on State Issue 2.
LINDA WOLLETT
Lewis Center

Issue 2
Collective-Bargaining Arguments


"As opponents push to get Ohio's new collective-bargaining law overturned on Election Day, there is no shortage of issues to fight about. A look at many of the bill's major provisions and how supporters and opponents have argues their points:

What the bill does	Arguments in Favor	Arguments Against	What the bill does	Arguments in Favor	Arguments Against
Bans strikes by public employees and imposes financial penalties for any public worker who does strike	Public workers have good pay and benefits, so they should not strike; unions sometimes use the threat of a strike to bully employers to cave; children should not have to cross picket lines to attend school	Strikes by public unions are rare, but the threat give unions leverage in negotiations, avoiding an erosion of pay and benefits; five everyone an incentive to come to the middle	Eliminates seniority as the sole factor when determining layoffs due to budgetary shortfalls or enrollment reduction	Allows managers to keep their best people, who are not always their most experienced-people; cutting only newer hires means more workers must be laid off because they re the least expensive.	Makes experience public workers very vulnerable to cost-cutting moves, potentially leaving them with major retirement issues because they do not pay into Social Security; increases the chance of cronyism.
Eliminates binding arbitration for law enforcement and firefighters, the process in which an independent third party resolves a negotiation impasse.	Unelected parties should not be allowed to dictate contract terms that taxpayers have to pay for; threat of arbitration can cause officials to give in to contract terms they do not agree with.	Process is rarely used, and when it is, statistics show decisions split between unions and employers; process ended public-safety union strikes, of which Ohio was a national leader in the 1970s; it brings definitive closure to negotiations.	Eliminates guaranteed 15 sick days for teachers from state law; caps sick days for most other workers at two weeks per year; caps accrued sick leave paid out upon retirement at 50 percent of 1,000 hours	Private-sector workers generally do not get such generous amounts of sick time; sick days are designed for unforeseen illness, not severance; payouts of unused sick time can be very expensive for local governments.	Allowing accumulated sick days is an incentive for people not to take off sick, which helps with attendance.
If a deadlocked negotiation cannot be resolved, allows the governing body to implement its own last offer, after holding a public hearing.	Voters elect leaders to make tough decision and spend tax dollars wisely; people should trust that local leaders will be fair to workers; the balance of power in negotiations has shifter too far to the unions over the past 27 years.	This would be a “fundamentally rigged process” that is unfair to workers because it turns collective bargaining into “collective begging” – no matter what the union offers, the employer can reject it and pick its own offer;; lets employers just wait out the process.	Eliminates “fair share” – the provision in many contracts that requires  those who do not want to join the union to still pay some dues because they are covered by the terms of the contract	Workers who do not want to be part of a union should have the freedom to not pay dues.	Allows for “freeloading” where workers can avoid paying dues but still get benefits from the contract negotiated by the union, is aimed at cutting union membership.
Requires public employees to pay at least 15 percent of health-insurance costs and no longer allows union to bargain for health insurance.	Proponents say the average private-sector worker pays 23 percent, but at the local-government level, public workers generally pay 10 percent or less; it’s no necessary for unions to bargain for health insurance.	Health insurance is an important part of negations, particularly for lower-paid employees; the increased share for many local workers means less take-home pay; state workers have save millions for Ohio through health-insurance bargaining.	Requires more transparency of negotiations and terms of a union contract.	Gives the public a more-complete picture of total public-worker compensation beyond the increase to the base salary; each side might negotiated differently if it know its final offers will be made public.	No major issues raised.
No longer allows local-government employers to pick up a portion of an employee’s share of pension contributions. Workers are to pay 10percent of their wages to their pensions.	Pension pickups are used to hide raises give to public workers; puts workers on an even playing field.	Pension pickups can be cheaper than a straight pay raise because the employer doesn’t make Medicare, workers’ compensation, or unemployment payments on that pickup; without a corresponding pay increase, would be an instant pay cut for many workers; “hidden raises” concern handled by other transparency provisions in SB5	No longer automatically rolls over previous contractual agreement into the next contract.	Eliminates the potentially costly “pancaking effect” when a provision inserted into a contract for a specific reason is almost never removed in later year, even if circumstances change; has eroded management rights over time.	Can lead to draconian scrapping of contact provisions that have value to both labor and management; starting from zero can make for long, messy negotiations.
No longer requires that unions be allowed to bargain for items deemed “management rights” including staffing levels, building assignments, and promotions.	Gives managers more flexibility to run their operations; rights should have never been given up in the first place.	Could leas to larger class sizes in schools, fewer corrections officers in some prisons or fewer safety forces on police and fire runs; could cause safety issues for the public and workers.	Allows voters to go to the ballot to reject a contract if the governing body picks the more costly of the final offers and it is determined the contract cannot be paid for with current revenue.	Gives voters a chance to reject a contract that is “out of whack” and could lead to local tax increases.	Hard to fathom a situation where the criteria would be met to trigger a referendum; could lead to an ugly, divisive community fight over the worth of certain public employees; yet another way employees could lose out in negotiations.
Replaces automatic pay increases for steps and longevity pay with a new system of merit pay.	Quality of work, not years of experience, should be the deciding factor in how workers are compensated; will produce more-effective workers; allows mangers to reward exceptional work; limited step increases still can be included in contracts.	Raises concerns of cronyism, especially at the state level, where political appointees are the bosses; merit can be very difficult to define; will push teachers to be even more test-focused in their lessons, instead of teaching critical thinking.	No longer allows employers to do automatic paycheck deductions if money is earmarked for political-action committees, unless the worker gives written authorization.	Makes it easier for workers to decide whether to give politically; brings situation more in line with how corporation collect PAC money.	Makes it harder for public workers to participate in the political process at the same time the courts have made it easier for corporations; could reduce the political power of public unions, benefitting Republicans.
			Reduces the petition requirement for a public union decertification vote from 50 percent to 30 percent of members	Brings Ohio law in line with National Labor Relations Act; still requires a majority vote to decertify.	Another unnecessary effort to weaken union power by making it easier to decertify the organization; lets the employer interfere in union business.

Read the full article here: Issue 2: For or against? | A Case for the Law

Movember 2011!

During the month of Movember, we focus on Men's Health.  Each man is encouraged to shave his moustache (Mo) on Oct 31st and grow it for one whole month.  Poke is participating in Movember this year!  Please make a donation for Men's Health research or go to Movember for more information.

Diastasis Recti is Not What it Sounds Like

Warning: Gross Stuff to Follow.

When I was getting my pregnancy massages, the LMT warned me that my abdominal muscles might separate.  Well, what he should have said was "your abdominal muscles will separate" because that is exactly what has happened.  Between my huge son (8.75 lbs) and C-Section to remove said giant son, combined with massive infection and already being overweight, I was doomed.  The baby stretched the fascia around my ab muscles and the C-Section sliced through my lower muscles (about five layers!).  After all that, my abdomen filled with fluid and the whole thing was stretched back out, and it was full of over a liter of fluid which weighed it down.  So here I am with a saggy abdomen filled with infectious fluid - yum.  After my six days in the hospital (a week after I came home with 4L), I had a huge hole in my abdomen, wasn't allowed to move (ok, I could move, but I wasn't really supposed to do much & definitely not allowed to lift anything other than the baby!), and my fat ass has a stupid pooch.  But it's not really a pooch - it's a pouch - and I'm thinking "Fuck man, there is NO exercise I'll be able to do anytime soon to get rid of this bullshit."  Come to find out, there is no exercise I'll ever be able to do to get rid of my stretched out pouchy abdomen - once the muscles stretch and separate from the  fascia, that's it.  The only way to fix it is with a tummy tuck.

Wanna donate?  You can just send money through PayPal to rock.kowgurl@gmail.com!  I only need $4,000 so if I can get 40 people to donate $100 or 400 to donate $10 or even 1000 to donate $4, that would be awesome!

Ok, time for a nap.

12:34am, please bite me.

I hate not being able to sleep, especially these days when 4L's sleeping is barely "normal" and I have to squeeze every last second in that I can.  That being said, all I can think about is stupid stuff, random stuff, and baby stuff.  So, to try and alleviate my pain, I am just going to write it all down and see if that helps.

1) Why does my tummy hurt?

A) Probably because you've been eating so much fiber and whole peanuts, you fool.  Drink more water!

2) Where are my boxes of checks?

A) I'll tell you where they aren't - in any of the drawers you already checked three times.  They're probably in that box in the front closet that Poke got down from the top shelf the other day when you were looking for whatever you were looking for then.  They're here somewhere, don't worry.

3) Why do I keep having to pee?

A) Because you are dehydrated.  You drank yourself silly on Yuenglings Sunday night, barely moved yesterday, and all you drank was Kool-Aid and Coca-Cola.  Drink more water!

4) Is 4L still breathing?

A) Yes.  He's on his back, unwrapped, with no animals, pillows, or blankets in the crib to smother him.  God forbid anything should happen, you've done everything right and it's out of your control.  Don't worry though, he'll be up in about 2 or 3 hours anyway.

Alright, that didn't really help.  Now I'm just awake and still thinking about the same stuff.  I guess I'll pick a VHS Disney movie to watch and hope that it puts me to sleep...

It's Official!

I have made the commitment to be a real-live Tupperware Lady.  All it took was $5 down (the last $114.99 to be paid within 30 days) and I've already earned a profit from the party I had tonight!  Sweet!  I think this will be the perfect job as a SAHM because I can work around Poke and 4L's schedules and as often or as little as I want to.  Spectacular!

Judge Not, Lest Ye be Judged.

I want to address something kinda quickly.  I'll try and make this to the point.

• If you don't like what I write, don't read it.
• If you don't like what I say about someone, 1) don't read it or, even better, 2) think about what I am saying and figure out if there might be some truth to it.  After all, these are my opinions on my life*.
• If you don't agree with what I write, 1) don't read it, or, even better, feel free to use that brain God gave you and have an adult discussion about the subject.

Nobody is forcing to you to read this blog.

Hope that clears things up!

*You have no idea what it's like to live my life.  You are not me and you never will be.  You have not experienced what I have experienced, you have not dealt with what I have encountered.

Freakin' Irritated.

So, if any of you have bothered to read the history on/of this blog, you might recall that once upon a time I was a rich mortgage broker.  Then, in May 2007, I was laid off.  After working a series of shitty temp jobs, I decided it was time to do something with my life, and if I was going to start anew I should do something I loved and enjoyed.  Thus, culinary school, where I earned a 3.89 cumulative GPA, an Associate of Applied Sciences in Culinary Arts degree, and amassed over $60,000 worth of debt.  Since my externship (March 2009-July 2009), I have had four jobs.  

First the externship, at an assisted living facility ($10/hr), with a brand-new-to-the-position Executive Chef who had to flex her Dietary Services Coordinator muscle to prove she could do the job and henceforth wrote me up six times in one week and put me on the edge of being fired.  Before that could happen, I got a job as the Gourmet Chef Manager at a grocery store ($12.30/hr).  

I LOVED this job.  The problem was, a coworker had wanted my position and was literally out to get me - not just ME, but another guy and another chick who had also been the Chef there.  She lied to an "authority" and I was put on suspension without pay.  After an investigation, it was proven that I had NOT done what she said I did, yay HACCP and CAMERAS (dumb bitch), but at that point I had already found another job as a Chef at a Winery ($10/hr).  

I literally did EVERYTHING at the Winery, for peanuts, and was treated like shit by the GM who was a drunken nobody with no restaurant experience (and, for the record, ran the place right into the ground like I said she would - it's not even open anymore!) and so we parted "mutually" due to "lack of business" or whatever.  

Next I got a job at a catering company ($10/hr), not like weddings and parties but businesses.  I had to drive either 50 minutes to Groveport or 65 minutes to Newark for work every day at 7am, so basically 50% of my paycheck went directly to gasoline for my car.  I was hired to be the "Catering Chef ", they even went so far as to do a hair drug test, and was told I'd be taking over all the catering jobs.  Within two weeks I realized I'd be had, and in reality I was this bitch's bitch and my title may as well have been "salad maker" because that's about all I fucking did besides run around and do her bidding.  On top of that, I was sexually harassed by one of their account managers, but he said that if I told anyone he would get me fired (When he told me that, I was still new and couldn't afford to lose my job; Now I wish I'd turned him in and made him pay. Literally.)  

So I finally got the job at this retirement community ($12/hr) and it seemed like my actual dream job.  The pay was low for the work, but I was happy to have something I liked that was close to home.  That happiness lasted about a week - first, I was bullied by a male coworker who ended up being a rapist (he's currently in prison), then I was treated like a child and told I was no good by a 20 year old punk (who was the mother of a 4 year old and whose baby daddy is currently at FCCC), then I was tortured by another male coworker who finally got fired when he came to work under the influence of drugs & alcohol.  After all that my chef had the nerve to tell me that I was the problem, when we found ourselves in yet another closed-door meeting.  This time it was in regards to my supervisor, a 14-year employee, a black "christian" woman.  She was(is) incredibly racist, with the list going like this from "good" to "bad": black females, black males, white males, white females, all Africans.  We might even be under the Africans, I'm not 100% sure.  This woman tortured me, literally, from November til July when I finally went on maternity leave.  You might remember me talking about Karla from school, well, this sprvsr was ten times worse than Karla ever was.  For a christian, she was a horrible person.  She eventually lied the right way and got to write me up, twice, for things that she claimed I did - she claimed I didn't cook these ribs, but, had I not cooked the ribs, the residents would have had nothing to eat.  She didn't even try to make it realistic, and when I look back now, I laugh.  Unfortunately her actions plus my complaining on Facebook (what I said was "I wonder if there is a coalition for black sprvsr on white pregnant employee bullying" and somehow that's harassment?) got me a year probation - the day before I went on maternity leave - and they expected me to come back?  Right.  I would have come back if she'd have left or if we truly could not afford for me to stay home.  I'm not going to subject my infant son to my drunkenness due to the inability to function because I am being beaten mentally and emotionally on a daily basis.  No sir.

Now that you know all that, maybe you can figure out why I can't pay my student loans?  No?  Ok, well it's because I haven't had steady employment - a month off from March 2010 to April 2010, then again from May 2010 to June 2010 - really fucked up my finances.  My loans started coming due in January 2010 and as mentioned in the previous post, I was already unable to pay them and things never got any better.

At this point, I'm out of ideas.  I've contacted Sallie Mae over a hundred times to try and consolidate or get a lower payment or something - anything - and they simply will not work with us.  My friend's aunt keeps telling me on fb that I'm bragging about not paying them, that it's not fair for me to get a free education, and so on.  Clearly she doesn't understand how un-awesome it is to be $60,000 in debt with nothing to show for it.

Aunt: what is sad about this if every keeps not paying then they will stop the loans and some one who really wants it won't be able to go....Kelly I don't think this is anything to be proud about...:^(
Poke: People will always be able to get student loans, as long as there's a Phoenix facility somewhere in your state
Aunt: again don't think it is right to go to school and JUST don't pay....not fair...just saying
Me: So are you saying that I didn't really want it? That I chose to go to college seven years after graduating from high school, put my entire life on hold to obtain this degree, worked my ass off to get a 4.0 and make honors the entire time just so I could NOT pay my student loans back? Do you think, Aunt, that I planned for things to go the way they did after I graduated? To be raped by my employers, lied to, not paid, and not to mention laid off? To be lied to by Bradford, who told me that they would help me not only to find a job FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE but also that they would help me with financial issues as well? Do you think that I haven't been on the phone with Sallie Mae three or four or five times a WEEK for almost TWO YEARS trying to consolidate or get lower payments or whatever so that I COULD pay them back? IF I had known this was how it would be, I NEVER WOULD HAVE GONE TO COLLEGE. I would have continued in the mortgage business and worked those shitty temp jobs instead of trying to better myself and my life. In trying to do so, I have actually ruined my life. So if you think that I'm PROUD to be part of a HUGE problem, you couldn't be further from the truth. Why don't you think about the things you say before you say them? Do you truly think I am proud to have lost everything I had worked for before the age of 22? Proud to be $60,000 in debt with absolutely nothing to show for it? They can have my fucking degree back - even before I became a SAHM it was worthless. Take the degree back and cancel out the loans because I certainly did NOT get what I signed up for. Besides, how do you get that I am "proud" from this photo? Did you ever think that maybe I posted it to show how badly things have gotten? I'm not the only person out there who doesn't/can't/won't pay their student loans. Plenty of people who don't even finish school and get the degree don't bother to pay. Why don't you pick up a copy of this morning's Dispatch so you can read the article associated with this photo instead of just assuming that I'm so proud to be upside down in debt at age 29.
Aunt: sorry I did think before I said something sorry Kelly you have a FREE degree because you are goin to just walk away....sorry that's how I feel....sorry just sometime you brag on face book thay maybe you shouldn't be braging about....just saying....
Me: how am i bragging about this? am i posting things like "i'm awesome cuz i can't pay my bills"? no, i don't think so.

So that's where we are now.

On top of all this stupid debt bullshit rolling around in my head, my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend keeps tagging him in posts about how awesome he is, for example, making her TheraFlu when she was sick.  For some reason I am jealous, probably because I knew that he was the perfect guy but then I fucked it all up and he ended it before it could really go anywhere.  Don't ask how, I don't really want to talk about it, but it had to do with when I was beat up by that girl back in November 2009.  I know that if I had hooked up with him I never would have gotten 4L, and that would be terrible, but I think about all the pain Poke puts me through on a regular basis and I just regret a lot of things.  After all these years of wanting him, of him leaving me so cruelly only to come right back again and then leave once more, I feel sometimes like I forced him to be with me and now that we have 4L, I am stuck.  He tells me weekly that he doesn't love me, that he never loved me, but he also tells me that he loves me on a daily basis.  I don't know what to believe.  He bought me a house, he's great with 4L, and he provides for me/us financially.  Emotionally, romantically, physically, however, he provides either nothing or just hurt.  Even when he tells me he loves me or says nice things to me I can't take him seriously because I know that in a few hours or a few days he'll be telling me how much he despises me.  He needs to see a therapist.

FALL IS FINALLY HERE!

YAY!

I love love love LOVE LOVE fall.  It is definitely my favorite time of year.  Everything about fall is good - pumpkins, rain, apples, falling leaves, changing colors, kids back in school, getting to wear hoodies and sweaters, craft shows... I could go on and on.  The BEST part of fall, tied with the plethora of pumpkin-flavored items, is HALLOWE'EN!  Kids get to dress up scary or funny, grown ups get to dress up scary or slutty, there is so much candy on sale, pumpkins go on parade under the guise of Jack O'Lanterns... It's just amazing.  

Some folks only celebrate Hallowe'en as a secular holiday, but there are lots of people in the world who celebrate it as a religious/spiritual holy/holiday as well.  This is referred to as Samhain (pronounced sau-ehn or saw-in) and is a Gaelic holiday celebrated Oct 31/Nov 1 and marks the end of harvest, transition from light days into dark days, and in some cultures is considered a "New Year" holiday.  The Romans stole, like most holidays, Samhain and made it their own All Saints' Day, November 1st, celebrating the Saints of the Catholic Church.  Mexicans, especially Mexican Catholics, celebrate El Dia de los Muertos on November 1st and 2nd. Overall, fall is a time of year to revel in the changes happening in nature and in ourselves.

I find myself more at peace in the autumn.  Summer is way too hot, I'm always uncomfortable, and then there is the pressure to be barely dressed in public.  Fall brings with it not only hoodies and sweaters, but jeans and sweats (well I suppose yoga pants are more "in" this year!) and jackets to cover up the chubs.  The only part of Fall that I don't like is socks and shoes - I am definitely a sandals-til-there-is-snow kinda girl, however, I despise having wet feet in my flip-flops and that tends to happen with all the rain we get here in Ohio.  Needless to say, I'm becoming accustomed to wearing socks, and today I put my sandals (all four pairs plus Poke's pair) in the bedroom closet.  Now they'll be too far away for me to get them in a snap!

Today I put up all the Hallowe'en decorations, and I'm kinda sad because I thought I had a lot more.  My mom gave me her giant light up cat-in-a-pumpkin and ghost-with-black-cat for the front yard, I have some bats in the window and a handmade scarecrow (my mom's from when I was very young) on the porch.  There are some ooooooohh-eeeeeeee-ooooooh hanging things in the kitchen with a couple of Bud Light bat beads, black candles in the holders and spider votives on the entertainment center, a spooky ceramic ship that I made when I was about 10 yrs old (lights up!), and a one-eyed witch hanging haphazardly from the glass door in front of the dvds.  That might sound like a lot to you, but my neighbors down the street have a whole row of light up happy candy corns in their yard!  Waah!  I just want more stuff, but I'll just have to wait til November when everything is on sale.  I'm also picky in that I don't want junk, I want unique pieces that nobody else will have.  Sure, 30 years ago everyone on the block had my light-up guys in the front yard, but no one has them now! I love vintage stuff too, especially holiday stuff.

Well, Poke and 4L are hanging out in the living room and it's almost 6pm so I had better start dinner before my boys starve...or at least before one of them starts whining... *grin*

S.A.D.

Normally the gloomy, damp, draftiness of early fall in Ohio makes me happy - I am definitely not a person who suffers from S.A.D., aka Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I will gladly suffer through this yuckiness to get to the crisp, cool, colorful autumn days that I know are right around the corner.  Today is a perfectly gloomy day, and I am perfectly gloomy right along with it.  And I don't like it.

In January 2010, my student loans were about to start being due.  I knew I couldn't afford over $1,000 monthly payment, so I got in touch with Sallie Mae and attempted to consolidate.  They refused to even let me apply for consolidation, but told me I could try for forbearance.  A few days later I received a letter stating I didn't qualify for forbearance or anything else.  I had to pay the $1,000+ or else.  At that time I was making $12/hr and my rent was $595/month.  If I paid my student loans, I wouldn't be able to pay my rent, or any other bills.  I spent countless hours on the phone with Sallie Mae, trying and trying to get my monthly payment down to a manageable amount; They simply would not accommodate me in any way.

If a person dies or becomes disabled, the co borrower is no longer responsible for the loan.  Knowing I could never repay the student loans, I made the conscious decision to commit suicide.  After all, it would be better than ruining my mom's credit AND it would really show Sallie Mae what kind of shitty institution they are.  I stopped taking my meds cold turkey, drank as much as I could, and one night I finally had the breakdown (unfortunately Poke was there and he still holds it over my head to this day) and swallowed 25 Vicodin.  Unfortunately, being the responsible person that I am, I made the terrible decision to call off work for the next day and the manager who took my call notified the EMTs and sent them to my house.  I don't know who got in touch with my parents, but all at once I had them banging on the front door while the EMTs were banging on the back door.  They threatened to chop through with an axe, so I moved the kitchen table and let them in.  They took me to Riverside where I was evaluated, had to drink the fucking liquid charcoal, and eventually sent to the Ohio Hospital for Psychiatry.  My parents, of course, asked me why, and I told them the reason as stated above.  My mom said that her credit was already ruined and my not paying the student loans wouldn't make it any worse than it already was.

My dad was laid off in August 2009 and didn't get a steady full-time job until two weeks ago.  I was also unemployed several times in 2010, and I could barely afford my rent.  Poke paid two month's worth for me and he didn't even live there at the time.  I had to get my food from the food bank, didn't have any insurance so I couldn't take my meds, and basically kept my sanity by remaining in an almost perpetual state of tipsiness... wake up, go to work, come home, get drunk, fall asleep, wake up, go to work... over and over.  Life was absolutely wonderful because I barely knew what was going on.

Fast forward to now, and Sallie Mae has sent all my loans to collection agencies.  My parents just discharged their bankruptcy and I've been working on doing my own.  Student loans can be included in Chapter 13 bankruptcies, as long as I can prove that paying the monthly payments would cause undue hardship.  Ironically, two years ago when I had a full-time job, I did prove that as a requirement for the forbearance application.  The problem is that the collectors won't stop calling my mom, they are threatening her (with empty threats and lies, trying to get her to pay) and so she is harassing me as a result.  She and I just got to a good point in our relationship and now this.  I don't know what to do.  Even if I went back to work full time and put 4L in daycare, all my income would be going to that so it's not like I'd have extra money.  My mom wants $300 a month, but there's no way I can give it to her.  We just don't have it.  Getting a part time job would be great, but how can I tell an employer "Please hire me and oh btw I need to dictate my own schedule"... not going to happen.  I'm going to try with the Tupperware thing, but I just don't know.

I just don't know what to do.

Shitty Weather = Supreme Goddess Time

Now that I'm officially employed by 4L, I will need to truly show off my culinary, lavatation, and absterging skills. In addition, my couponing will be combined with such skills and hopefully I can save us some money by busting things out Laura-Ingalls-Wilder-style. 

First up will be homemade pierogis, because why should I buy them at the store, frozen, when I literally have all the ingredients here and can make 10 meals worth, fresh, and freeze them myself for the price of one box?! Exactly. And because pierogis, knitzches, and ravioli are all the same, I can just adjust fillings and toppings here & there to make whichever Polish/Jewish/Italian dinner I want. Hells yeah. I just wish I had a pasta maker attachment for my GMap's old Kitchenaid. I guess 70 years ago there wasn't too much of a demand for them... But I can make fettuccine or egg noodles or whatever thick noodles by hand in the meantime. 

I've got the basement almost clean; Now that it's been waterproofed (a nice $13k investment) I can actually go down there and do stuff and use the space. We already cleaned everything up and set up some shelves, but the floor needs to be mopped again (and probably again after that!). Once I save some money, somehow, I'll be finishing it with the help of my dad. He finished our basement in the house I grew up in and it was about the same size. I think it will be pretty easy and fairly inexpensive. The first thing I'm gonna do is lay down vinyl tile in the laundry area and workbench area. I've put down vinyl tile before and it's really REALLY easy - all you have to do is measure, peel & stick. 

Also I've been trying to learn things to do with 4L. He's only 2 months now, but he's at the age where he can retain some info, he follows me with his eyes and mimics things I do. We've already learned to stick out our tongue, give kisses, and repeat (I say "aaah" and he says "aaah" back!). He's really good at tummy time, and his neck is already so strong that he can hold his head up and (mostly) steady while he is sitting on my lap. When I hold him up and place his feet on my stomach or legs, I can feel him pushing against them. It's fantastic! 

So, on top of all this, I'm thinking of becoming a Tupperware lady. My mom had a party the other day and it was fun, and I ended up talking to the consultant who ran it and she was telling me how easy it is. I suck at having parties, and I suck at selling stuff, but if I can get other people to have parties for me, the Tupperware will sell itself! Yeah! We'll see. I would have to invest $120 (or $80, but I might as well go all in if I'm going to do it) to get the set of stuff to take to parties, which is a good deal even if I end up being lame at consulting because it's like $550 worth of Tupperware for $120. Yay! 

Besides all this work stuff, life is okay. Poke has been difficult lately, but wtf am I going to do? I just have to let him work out his shit on his own time. I've done what I can and there is really no more I can do after six years. The whole situation is quite exhausting. Not to mention my mom telling me I need to come up with $300 A MONTH to pay my student loans, when she knows damn well we can't afford that. I've told her a hundred times that they'll be included in my bankruptcy (see here where they can be included) but the damn collectors keep calling her and calling her and threatening her and she just keeps listening to them. It's fucking annoying.

Anyway, 4L is asleep and I'm about to hit the sack myself.  Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow because today was a pretty shitty day.

6:22 on a Saturday Morning

...and I'm watching Looney Tunes. The old ones! I haven't seen some of these in years. But to be honest, I feel like a Looney Tune right now. I'm running on about three hours of sleep yet I'm not at all tired, just slap-happy. Yesterday was a long day of garage sale-ing with my mom (after a migraine and allergies resulting in only five hours of totally interrupted sleep) and when I got home, Poke had to leave for work two hours later. I tried to nap, but 4L wasn't having it! Despite all this, I am so happy. I have never been happier in my life. I officially went contingent at work last week, and I am thrilled to be a SAHM. Life is going to rule from here on out... now I had better get some sleep so I'm awake to enjoy it!

KLG and Hoda’s Cutest Babies Contest

I just entered KLG and Hoda’s Cutest Babies Contest

The Name of This Blog Should be Changed

Kel-Bell is no longer in Hell.  Kel-Bell is in heaven, thanks to a beautiful angel delivered to her on July 18th.  His name shall be 4L, and he shall bring joy and laughter to all!  (As a matter of fact, he already has!)

Being a mother has absolutely changed my life.  Two separate home nurses and my OB's office all gave me this post-partum test (to make sure I'm not depressed) and I scored a "4" every time (out of 20 - the higher the score, the more dangerous you are).  I have never been so happy in all my life!  Sure, I am worried about 4L and his future, and our finances, and the regular mom/partner type stuff, but I am so just... *whatever* about everything else.  As long as we have the necessities, I will be fine.  Even then I could probably live in a van down by the river, cuz WIC will provide food for 4L and I can go to the food bank.  Seriously, having him in my life has changed me 100% for the better.  I never thought I could be so happy!

That being said, I still don't understand the "need" or "desire" to have children.  4L was an accident, albeit a happy accident, and had that sperm not met that egg in a completely random fashion, I would not have chosen to have a child.  However, now that he's here, I already want another one!  Hahaha, I keep telling Poke we're going to have seven, just so that when we end up with three he will be thankful. *wink*  

When I think about how lucky I am to have a man like Poke, I get all choked up.  All those bitches from his/our past totally lost out!  I have the BEST partner I could ask for.  He probably wouldn't be perfect for you, but he's perfect for us.  When he's working his four days, I have to admit that I feel like a single mom cuz he works all day/night and then sleeps all night/day.  But, when he's off the next four, I feel like a queen and I almost can't handle not having to do anything for the baby!  Poke has really stepped up and turned into quite the provider.  After I had 4L, who arrived via C-Section, I was trapped in my bed at the hospital for two days thanks to IVs, catheters, and the like.  Poke diligently changed diapers, held/rocked/coddled 4L, and did everything he could to make us comfortable.  Ten days after, when I landed back in the hospital thanks to a badly infected inner abdomen (yay major surgery), Poke stayed home with 4L, took three extra days off work and did it all by himself.  He could have pawned the baby off on my parents or his mom, but he took charge and took control.  I never thought I would be so proud of him!  The former Poke has been replaced by a caring, loving, thoughtful man and it is more than I could ever ask for.  All the break-ups, the cheating, the weird shit that I can't even tell you about... it's all gone.  He still gets down on himself for not being an expert at this or that, and I still have to reassure him that nobody is perfect, etc etc etc, but I'm hoping that eventually the light will come on and he'll understand that he's just a man.

I've been mulling it over every minute of every day since I left for maternity leave, and I just can't imagine going back.  I know Isaac won't remember these days, but *I* will - I don't want someone to tell me that he spoke for the first time while I was at work, I don't want to miss any of the firsts or milestones, I don't want to miss a single minute.  The other day he pooped and it looked like dog poop and I was so thrilled that I was privy to his first bout with constipation and knew how to help him.  Some caregiver, even if well-meaning, might make a decision that I wouldn't agree with, and I don't want that to happen.  I want Poke and myself to make the decisions!  We've discussed it some, and I'm trying to get Poke to seriously think about it and not just take my word for it (that we can afford it, etc.), but no final agreement has been made.  I'm hoping I can become a stay-at-home mom and raise our son to the best of my ability.

4L is a remarkable little baby.  He has already rolled over, not just once or twice on accident, but several times on purpose.  He can also scoot across his tummy time mat with the assistance of his tiny pillow, as well as give kisses and stick out his tongue.  I'm convinced my child is a genius - but what mother isn't?!  Of course I did have almost 4.0 gpa

Speaking of getting up and doing stuff, I have a meatloaf that needs to go in the oven.  

Ta-ta for now!

PS - I am seriously considering changing the name, but the URL will stay the same!

Adult Time (Has a Whole New Meaning)

LOL, it's not like I'm going to be blogging about all my fantastic sexual escapades anymore - no sir, those days are gone and Adult Time has a whole new meaning... which is bound to take on an even DIFFERENT meaning in just under 40 days!  

Back in the day, I could just go out and do whatever/whomever I wanted to do without a care in the world.  Poke was in and out of my life, and I didn't really have to worry about my actions affecting anyone else because other than him, I haven't had a (super)steady boyfriend (other than the 6 month Sal debacle) since I was married.  My career was the only important thing to me, besides getting laid, getting fucked up, and getting drunk.  As long as I made it to work and I was coherent, I was pleased.  These days, I have so much more to care about.  I see people who live the way I used to, and it disgusts me.  Even when Poke goes out drinking to his brother's (which has only been three times since January), I am sickened.  He did it the other night & I told him not to bother coming home, for several reasons: 1) I didn't want to smell it 2) I didn't want him driving under the influence and 3) I love to drink and it's just not fair! (Seriously! I'm not going to lie about why I don't want him drinking!)  Before he left I told him all this, and he acted like I was just trying to keep him caged in.  Maybe when 4L (the baby - more on that nickname in a sec) arrives, Poke will finally see that it's not just him in this world & understand WHY I don't want him drinking/drinking & driving/etc.  I've never been comfortable drinking around my friends' kids, and I know I won't be comfortable drinking around my own.  Besides that, I can't think of any situation in which it would be okay for us to be drunk - no matter what, it's bad for 4L.  If we get drunk & leave him at the sitter's, he could get sick or something and we'd be unable to drive to get him or take him to the hospital.  If we get drunk while he's sleeping we might miss him waking up and needing to be fed or changed or sick, etc.  There is just no good time for responsible parents to get drunk!  And that's a good thing to me.

I'm looking forward to learning to drink like an adult, having just a few & relaxing.  My whole drinking life, I've done it like a frat boy.  To me, there was no point in drinking if I wasn't going to get completely obliterated.  Why have 3 beers when you can have 13?  Beer tastes good, but being drunk feels good.  Well, I'm sure being a mother feels much better & I can't wait to find out.  It's not like I'm going to turn into a complete prude or something, I just have so much to care about now that I won't even think twice about sacrificing for him.

Overall, I am so excited for 4L to be here.  I had my baby shower on May 28th, lots of people came, and I got SO many gifts - it was amazing.  I haven't had a party like that with so many presents to open since I was a young girl!  Everyone did so much - too much - but I am so grateful... and now the nursery is done!  Seriously, I came home from the shower & put together the swing & the stroller & put the linens on the crib.  Over the next few days Poke & I set the rest of the things up, washed 4L's clothes, and within a week we had everything done.  The shower was awesome, but even (slightly) more awesome was the big trip to Babies'R'Us.  We got the rest of the stuff on our registry: pack'n'play, diapers, bath stuff, tub, towels; exchanged & returned some clothes, etc.  After two hours we had a full cart & headed up to the checkout.  Grand total was around $674.00, but after coupons, sales, certain percentages off for this & that, and 15% off each item from the registry (for completing it), the new total came to $450 - We saved $224!!  I was quite pleased.

Including today, I have 30 days left til I am on maternity leave.  I'll have two weeks paid & six weeks unpaid, but the six weeks will be FMLA so I will be guaranteed a job when I return, as well as not losing my benefits while I'm gone.  I figured I should leave about a week before my due date because I personally feel like 4L is going to come four days before my due date and the last few times we've gone to the doctor they've told us he's about a week to a week and a half ahead of where he should be.  I keep praying to Jesus and talking to 4L, asking them both to just get me through the next 29 days - til at least 8pm on July 13th - so that I can get all my PTO in and everything will be "on schedule" (at least as far as HR is concerned!!).  

Work has been fair lately, and by fair I mean "not good and not bad" as opposed to "equal" or "reasonable".  My sprvsr is still difficult, and I think I've finally gotten to the point where I have just checked out from her.  I can't respect her, I can't take her seriously, and there is not a single thing she can do that will change my feelings.  I take that back: she could admit that she's been picking on me, admit all her personal flaws & mistakes, stop being judgmental, stop being racist, do her job correctly, and start accepting criticism - constructive or otherwise.  But none of those things will ever happen, separately or together with another.  She's just a very stubborn person!  After all that, like I said, I think I've just checked out.  She leaves me annoying little notes on the prep sheets & I leave my own notes for her.  She doesn't bother to use common sense or look things up, she just accuses me of this, that, & the other.  For example, she left me a note stating that I need to follow recipes - the dish she was referring to had three ingredients, and I made it with only two because she had failed to order the third ingredient.  So I left her a note saying so!  *grrr*  This is the kind of stuff I literally, without exaggeration, have to deal with on a daily basis.  My only days off from this shit is the weekend, when she doesn't work (except the next few weekends when she IS working! ACK!).

Oh well, yesterday was an awesome day at work & it really gave me a boost as far as confidence goes.  All the lecturing and note-writing can really bring me down - it's even become somewhat of a joke between (my coworker) LareBear and myself.  I'll say something & he'll reply with "Don't you know you do everything wrong?" or "Well you did kill that resident one time..." and he is totally joking because the stuff I get pinched for is always bullshit & everyone knows it.  But I digress - things went well yesterday and I was really pleased.  I don't know if I *actually* did an awesome job or if I'm less worried because I know I'll be outta there in a month... either way, yay me.

So now, I'll tell you why I'm referring to the baby as "4L" - his initials are IVL, and since "IV" = 4, I just thought it'd be easier/quicker to type.  Yup, I am a nerd.

The strangest thing I've ever done.

So being pregnant is, by far, the strangest experience I've ever had in my entire life.  My stomach is so squished that I can't eat - but I'm starving - I'm zittier than ever, I hate everything, love everything, and everything makes me cry.  They say that a pregnant woman experiences 150 million years of evolution in nine months - I'm starting to believe it's true.  Even as I sit here, I'm like "why am I even updating this blog? Nobody wants to read about the life of a fat ugly mean stupid girl!!"  Seriously, being pregnant is hard.

That being said, it's not all that bad.  Some days/weeks are harder than others, and sometimes I'm just like WTF and move on.  Work has been better lately, since I decided that some things are just NOT worth my time (arguing with less intelligent coworkers, less socially-adept coworkers, etc) and some things ARE worth my time (doing my job to the best of my ability and realising that I cannot be perfect, no matter how hard I try, and trying to be perfect is going to wear me out).  On Sunday I did the breakfast shift, which has been traumatic from the start (and this was only my fourth time) and it went very well.  Yes, my soups sucked cuz for some reason I lack the ability to do in one kitchen what I do in another, but whatever.  It's soup for christssake, and if that's the thing that I fucked up and everyone was all in arms over, well, that's fine.  At least it wasn't as bad as the first two times I did that shift!

Home life has been much better lately as well.  Poke has changed completely since being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, and now that he's gotten his blood sugar under control, his attitude is under control.  Lately it's been higher & I can really notice the difference between glucose levels of 80-140 & 150+.  It's amazing what the human body can do to itself and how the brain/mind can be affected by things.

I guess I should probably give a quick background story at this point, since the last time I talked, Poke & I were all but done for.  WELL... as you all know by now, there was really no way we'd ever be apart for good, even if I said it was going to happen.  We ended up getting back together in August 2010, and by October 2010, I was pregnant... except we didn't find out until December 9th, 2010, when I randomly started throwing up - a lot.  Puking is NOT something I generally do, even when totally wasted, so I went ahead and took three pregnancy tests, and sure enough all three had the double pink line.  Woo-hoo.  Poke was in Cali/Vegas at the time, on vacation w/his bff/roommate (to try and salvage their dying friendship I guess).  I simply texted him "I'm pregnant" and that was that.  He replied "how the fuck?" and I, being the smart-ass that I am, answered that when a mommy & daddy fall in love... No, I was like "well, I'm not on birth control & we don't use condoms so I suppose it was bound to happen eventually!"  When he came back from vacation he made the decision to "do the right thing" and move in (after the first of the year).  I was happy, because I truly didn't think he was going to do that.  I pretty much expected him to be like "ok, I'll send you a check" and be done with it.  Instead he stepped up and made the commitment.  It's been rough, but since January 2011, he's bought me/us a house, kept his finances in order, done great at work (as always) and continued to improve himself and our life.  He seems to be excited about the baby coming, and I think he's going to be a great dad. Yay.

The only thing I have to worry about now is next Tuesday when I go to the cardiologist for a couple of procedures to find out what's wrong with my heart.  A few times in my life, maybe 1 or 2 times every  year for the last 5-7 years, I've had little episodes of palpitations.  I'd go to the doctor, they'd do an EKG, and nothing would show so they'd say "oh anxiety" or some other reason.  Well since I got pregnant it's been steadily getting worse, going from 1-2 times a year to 1-2 times a month to 1-2 times a week until it was every other day and now it's every day that my heart is palpitating.  Sometimes I get nauseous and dizzy and lightheaded and sweaty, sometimes I get nothing.  A week ago they put me on a 24 hour monitor cuz when I went to the hospital, of course, nothing showed on the EKG.  Apparently something significant showed on the 24 hour monitor cuz now they wanna do these tests.  I'm scared and nervous, but at the same time I'm kind of okay.  I have a part time job working from home so I am still making money even if I have to take a leave before it's FMLA maternity time.  Things will work out, I'm sure of it... At least, I'm hoping so!