A Public Display of Humiliation

This is mostly for my benefit. Read on if you like and if you're not afraid to see it raw.

Common Self-Defeating Attitudes and Fears

1. "It would be terrible to be rejected, abandoned, or alone. I must have love and approval before I can feel good about myself."
Well I suppose this is kind of true. I need to feel loved, but I don't need to be in love, so to speak. I've been rejected, I've been abandoned, and I've definitely been alone... I can usually deal with it, but since the marriage, it's become more difficult.

2. "If someone critcizes me, it means there's something wrong with me."
Definitely true. I totally believe this 100% without a doubt. I know that there is such a thing as "constructive criticism" but it's still criticism. Criticism is the activity of judgement or interpretation - you're being judged. Sometimes fairly, sometimes not, but being judged makes me self conscious which is the last thing I need.

3. "I must always please people and live up to everyone's expectations."
Me to a T. A mother-fucking T. This was instilled in me from a young age, so I'm not surprised. Do what the parents want, do what the school wants, do what your boss wants, and don't just do it, do it to the best of your ability. They try to say that they are "challenging your mind" or something... When it comes to relationships, I'm the same way though. My marriage probably would have a) never happened or b) worked out alright if I had actually had some balls to stand up and not worry about Matt being upset/miserable/uncomfortable and worried about myself and my well being... but if I care about myself I'm being selfish.

4. "I am basically defective and inferior to other people."
Well, this is a weird combination of feelings. I'm not defective, I mean seriously, I'm a human being and although my machine may not run at top quality, I still run. I am inferior though, for sure. I'm inferior to WR because he's younger than me and better off financially, relationship-wise, and socially. I'm inferior to Dr. Bob because he's a doctor and he has a house and a family and the like. I'm inferior to SL because he has had so many great life experiences, and I have had none. I don't measure up to these people and I probably never will, no matter how hard I try.

5. "Other people are to blame for my problems."
This couldn't be farther from the truth. I totally take blame for every single thing that goes wrong, always. It's terrible and I end up feeling guilty at the end of the day, even if nothing really was my fault.

6. "The world should always be the way I want it to be."
Again, couldn't be farther from the truth. If the world was the way I wanted it to be, I wouldn't be here. Things would be completely different and this question would be irrelevant.

7. "Other people should always meet my expectations."
Not always. I want respect, I want kindness, I want 'fair' - if I piss you off, fine, get pissed off back, that's fair. But if I do something great for you, do it back, that's fair too. I don't want to waste my time on you if I'm not going to get at least some shred of evidence that you appreciate what I'm doing. I'm not talking about material possessions either - Did I just hold the door for you? I think a "thank you" is in order.

8. "If I worry or feel bad about a situation, it will somehow make things better. It's not really safe to feel happy and optimistic."
Oh my god, they couldn't have put it better - but I will: "I always expect the worst so that when the worst doesn't happen, I am pleasantly surprised." It's true too, and I'm going through it right now. I'm tripping out about this trip to Florida and I have absolutely no good reason. I think back to when I first started talking to SL and I was completely happy, and completely myself because it was still 79 days til I was going to meet him. Now it's three and a half days. We say "I love you". I'm so afraid of what could, or should I say might not, happen...

9. "I'm hopeless and bound to feel depressed forever because the problems in my life are impossible to solve."
I only feel this way about one problem and that's Matt. I seriously feel that I will never ever be able to get a divorce. I have tried so many things, so many times, and nothing works. I really feel that one of us will have to die first, and it will probably end up being me.

10. "I must always try to be perfect."
Yes, I try, and then I fail miserably and we start all over again.

Types of Perfectionism that can make you unhappy:

• Moralistic Perfection: "I must not forgive myself if I have fallen short of any goal or personal standard." Yep.
• Performance Perfection: "To be a worthwhile person, I must be a great success at everything I do." Yep.
• Identity Perfection: "People will never accept me as a flawed and vulnerable human being." Yep.
• Emotional Perfection: "I must always try to be happy. I must control my negative emotions and never feel anxious or depressed." Yep.
• Romantic Perfection: "I must find a perfect mate and always feel infatuated with him or her." Not so much, I know love has its ups and downs.
• Relationship Perfection: "People who love each other should never fight or feel angry with each other." Definitely No! We're not robots!
• Sexual Perfection: Men: "I should always have sustained and full erections. It's shameful and unmanly if I have an episode of impotence or come too quickly." Women: "I should always achieve orgasm or multiple orgasms." This doesn't even apply, I'm actually quite fine with my sexual performance.
• Appearance Perfection: "I look ugly because I am overweight or have heavy thighs or a facial blemish, etc." Yep.

I don't really know the point of this, I just had to get it out. I'm going to apologize to SL for being not myself lately because I know he's felt it, and to anyone else affected, I apologize to you too.