Well SL and I had our first fight ever last night. It went like this:
I talked to him when I got off work. He told me he was going to dinner with his friend and her family. I said, "Call me when you get home" and he said "okay." I was online at home about an hour later and I noticed that his friend was online as well. I tried calling SL, and he didn't pick up, so I assumed he was still at dinner, and she had maybe left herself logged in or something. I went to karaoke with O, and tried calling SL about two hours later. I got ignored, because it rang two and a half times and then *click* suddenly to voicemail. I was pissed. I sent him a text message, "Hope you're having a great time, I don't like being ignored twice in one night, love Kel." In response I got, "Sorry. Yeah 10 days. Love you." This was the kind of text message a dude sends to his girlfriend when he's getting head from some bitch. Correct me if I'm wrong. I even showed it to a random stranger at the bar and without any prompting from me he goes, "Sounds like your dude is getting fucked." I rest my case. So, I'm so livid that I can barely exist. I start drinking Wild Turkey... oh boy. Some dudes are buying me beers and shots and I'm just getting crunked and pissed. O wants to go to the Hot Spot and I was planning to just drop him off. We're headed there, and I have to stop and get gasoline for the car, and while O is pumping (how nice of him) I try calling SL again. Finally, I get ahold of him. He's totally completely fucked up. I start on him right away, asking what the fuck, why did he ignore me twice, what kind of shitty text message was that, etc. etc. etc. He tells me that he was hanging out with his 2 guy friends, and that pisses me off because he lied. He explains that in this way: "Shit. I told my dad I was going to dinner with Rachel and I told you that when we were talking earlier because he was standing right by me. I forgot to tell you the truth." Okay, that's fine because he's done the same thing before. He never tells his dad where he's really going. SO then I rip into him about the ignoring, and he's like "Oh god, I didn't mean to" and so on. It gets to the point where I'm crying and telling him he better not fuck me over because I haven't felt like this about anyone in a really long time, and he's even starting to surpass how I felt for VS (the dead fiancee) and I never even felt like this for my husband, etc. Then, he starts crying. I'm saying all this stuff about how I love him so much (and don't fuck me over) and how I'm so happy I finally found someone who isn't a complete loser and who actually has something going for them and so on. How FINALLY I can bring him home and my mom won't say, "You're too good for him Kelly" and then SL goes, "But you are too good for me" and that brings another flood of tears from both of us. Then, it's over and we're apologizing and everything is fine.
The end.
So, for my recap of last night, I ended up going into the Hot Spot because after all that crying I needed a beer. Poke and D*Martin showed up (they had been at Brewstirs,) O's friend JD bought me a beer, I talked to some negroes about being black... as if I was black... and that was weird... talked to that one dude K. about when I tried to kill myself and the EMT's were nice (he is an EMT) and how I went to the hopsital once and they thought I was having a stroke (he works at a hopsital also) and then somehow, I had another beer, and I was lit. I ended up leaning on Poke and he was trying to kiss me on the neck and I was like "no, no" but I couldn't stand up, and he's like "But you're hugging on me" and I said, "Correction, I am *leaning* on you because I can't stand up and I'm afraid to sit in a chair." I don't know how I made it home but I was only at the Hot Spot for like 45 minutes and a lot happened and I didn't even sing one song. I got home and decided not to go lay down because I knew I would yak if I did. I played on the computer a bit, then read, then finally fell asleep... Only to be woken up twenty minutes later by two husky black dudes (both with leather jackets, dark skin, one gray cap) yelling lots of obscene words outside in my parking lot, so I got up and looked out the window, and they were leaning on my Mustang using as a base from which to kick and punch the Blazer next to me. I called the cops. Then I was scared they would come back and find out that it was me who called so I was up until almost four a.m. Finally asleep, I randomly woke up at 7:00 a.m. bright eyed and bushy tailed. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't, and SL called me at 7:45 a.m. I tried to go to sleep again at about 8:15 a.m. when he got on the bus to go to work, but I just rolled around til my alarm went off at 8:50 a.m. I think I got 3 hours of sleep. I'm so fucking tired.
Yay, ten days til SL!
30 November 2005
29 November 2005
I'm so strange.
In the past week, I've had a dream in which myspace was a building and had to be evacuated due to an air raid, a dream where I met Sadaam Hussein and he wouldn't shake my hand because I'm a woman and I got pissed, and some other fucked up dream. I don't know what is wrong with me but I think I need to go back to being a drunk.
Let's see... where did I leave off? I don't think I've seriously posted since I got back. I suck (but I'm really good at it...)
Ok.
I really haven't done much since I returned. I went to karaoke a few times, I went to dinner twice with GG and IH when he was in town, I think I've gone to Zuey's maybe... two or four times... and... that's it. Not much is going on here. I'm waiting and waiting for December 10th to come because that is the day that SL is arriving! I'm going to get all my Christmas shopping done tomorrow, and my grand total for spending will be: $165 give or take $20. That would be for mom, dad, gramma, SK, SL, GG, and SS/Jms. I rock.
Late.
Oh and I got new brake pads - $227.20!! Fuck that!!
Let's see... where did I leave off? I don't think I've seriously posted since I got back. I suck (but I'm really good at it...)
Ok.
I really haven't done much since I returned. I went to karaoke a few times, I went to dinner twice with GG and IH when he was in town, I think I've gone to Zuey's maybe... two or four times... and... that's it. Not much is going on here. I'm waiting and waiting for December 10th to come because that is the day that SL is arriving! I'm going to get all my Christmas shopping done tomorrow, and my grand total for spending will be: $165 give or take $20. That would be for mom, dad, gramma, SK, SL, GG, and SS/Jms. I rock.
Late.
Oh and I got new brake pads - $227.20!! Fuck that!!
28 November 2005
25 November 2005
Scary Strange Dream
Oh my god. This shit is bananas. I need to see a specialist.
So last night I had a dream that my ex-fiance (who has passed away, in real life) VS and my friend JAFH are going to some cabin in the woods to camp for a weekend. The reason behind this trip is unclear, I only know that 1) VS is not dead and 2) SL no longer loves me. Whether they are connected or not, I don't know. THe beginning of the dream involved me wandering around my old neighborhood of Macedonia during trick-or-treat time, I was dressed as the cat in the hat and the kids I was with had some weird costumes on. I was a grown up and they were little, and I pulled some in a wagon. I think that I met up VS because he lived in my neighbor's house, but I'm not sure...
Before we get way out of town, I tell VS, who is driving a suped up Suzuki Sidekick-Tracker thing, that we need to stop at this mall so I can pick up something for the trip. I was intending on picking up this great ice cream that I knew he loved (which makes no sense because in real life he was super allergic to dairy and VERY lactose intollerant) but when I was walking around the mall, I couldn't find the store. Eventually I found out that the store had closed. I decided to take a shit before we got on the road, so I went to one of those little bathrooms hidden in the corner of the mall. I was almost finished, and some lady that JAFH and I knew came in and she was like, "Kelly? Kelly? Are you in there?" I tried to ignore her and pretend it wasn't me, but she opened the stall door and saw me. Apparently she had been following me through the mall. She proceeded to sit in the stall next to me and preach about Jesus and stuff like that, trying to get me to convert, and everytime I would try to leave, she would get up and push me back down. After about 45 minutes of preaching, she let me go. I ran out of there, and ended up on the wrong side of the building from where JAFH and VS were parked. I called JAFH on his cell phone and told them to come pick me up. He said there was a problem.
VS had gotten tired of waiting and left. He had even gone so far as to literally push JAFH out of the car, throw his own cell phone out and run it over so we couldn't contact him, and he took JAFH's and my luggage with him. I was screaming and crying to JAFH as I walked around the building to meet him. When we finally did meet, JAFH told me what VS had done, and I was crying and crying more. Some kid that JAFH knew was there, and he overheard me saying "I lost Anthony, I lost Sal, and now I lost Victor!" and he told me it was okay because his name was Anthony Sall and his dog's name was Victor. I laugh/cried and thought that might work out. (The Anthony Sall kid in my dream looked just like the real life SL.)
I was still standing there on the sidewalk when my mom called in real life, and it was irritating because I wanted to figure out why SL didn't love me and why VS had driven away with our shit and if I could get it back... but it was okay that she woke me up because I didn't want to think about that stuff happening any more.
Today I have the day off and I'm going to do absolutely nothing.
So last night I had a dream that my ex-fiance (who has passed away, in real life) VS and my friend JAFH are going to some cabin in the woods to camp for a weekend. The reason behind this trip is unclear, I only know that 1) VS is not dead and 2) SL no longer loves me. Whether they are connected or not, I don't know. THe beginning of the dream involved me wandering around my old neighborhood of Macedonia during trick-or-treat time, I was dressed as the cat in the hat and the kids I was with had some weird costumes on. I was a grown up and they were little, and I pulled some in a wagon. I think that I met up VS because he lived in my neighbor's house, but I'm not sure...
Before we get way out of town, I tell VS, who is driving a suped up Suzuki Sidekick-Tracker thing, that we need to stop at this mall so I can pick up something for the trip. I was intending on picking up this great ice cream that I knew he loved (which makes no sense because in real life he was super allergic to dairy and VERY lactose intollerant) but when I was walking around the mall, I couldn't find the store. Eventually I found out that the store had closed. I decided to take a shit before we got on the road, so I went to one of those little bathrooms hidden in the corner of the mall. I was almost finished, and some lady that JAFH and I knew came in and she was like, "Kelly? Kelly? Are you in there?" I tried to ignore her and pretend it wasn't me, but she opened the stall door and saw me. Apparently she had been following me through the mall. She proceeded to sit in the stall next to me and preach about Jesus and stuff like that, trying to get me to convert, and everytime I would try to leave, she would get up and push me back down. After about 45 minutes of preaching, she let me go. I ran out of there, and ended up on the wrong side of the building from where JAFH and VS were parked. I called JAFH on his cell phone and told them to come pick me up. He said there was a problem.
VS had gotten tired of waiting and left. He had even gone so far as to literally push JAFH out of the car, throw his own cell phone out and run it over so we couldn't contact him, and he took JAFH's and my luggage with him. I was screaming and crying to JAFH as I walked around the building to meet him. When we finally did meet, JAFH told me what VS had done, and I was crying and crying more. Some kid that JAFH knew was there, and he overheard me saying "I lost Anthony, I lost Sal, and now I lost Victor!" and he told me it was okay because his name was Anthony Sall and his dog's name was Victor. I laugh/cried and thought that might work out. (The Anthony Sall kid in my dream looked just like the real life SL.)
I was still standing there on the sidewalk when my mom called in real life, and it was irritating because I wanted to figure out why SL didn't love me and why VS had driven away with our shit and if I could get it back... but it was okay that she woke me up because I didn't want to think about that stuff happening any more.
Today I have the day off and I'm going to do absolutely nothing.
21 November 2005
Lazy Alcoholic Homosexual III
Alright, on with it.
I think I left off when we bought the rings.
April 23rd, 2002. We pick up the rings at Zales, and come home where he proposes in the living room. He got down on one knee because he wanted to "do it right" and of course, I said "yes." We decided to get married in October or November, but didn't set a date right then. I've always wanted to get married on November 17th, so that was the day I had in my mind, and I'm so glad we didn't do that... Now I can still get married on that day to a better man. Anyway.
I went to work the next day (I had taken a couple sick days) and showed off my ring to everyone. I was so happy, or so I thought. We went to my parent's house that night and I showed my mom the ring and she was less than thrilled. My dad was out of town so we called him to tell him the "good news" and he was WAY less than thrilled. We told them we weren't going to get married until the fall, and they said it was better that we waited.
That Friday, MMA decided to move in. He brought over all his stuff in the afternoon while Megan was home and I was at work. He was setting up his entertainment center in the basement and Megan and I went to get beer and cigarettes. When we got to her parents' house, their dog had run away the night before. They had had this dog for like ten years so we went to the pound to try and find it. I didn't have a cell phone so I didn't call MMA, but I didn't think we had been gone that long until we got back to my house and realised it had been about two or three hours (there are a lot of dogs at the pound.) Well MMA had gone home by this time, but he made sure to leave a nasty note on the door. I called him and apologized for being so long, but he wasn't having any part of it. I drove over to his house in a panic, crying. When I got there he was so cold to me. We attempted to talk, and that basically consisted of him yelling at me, and in the end I took off my ring and set it in the cupholder. If this was the way he was going to resolve conflict I would have no part of it.
He decided to be nice at this point. We made up, he apologized for being so mean, but to this day I'm sure he would still tell you that he's positive that Megan and I were having sex somewhere. This was the very first of many times when he accused me of cheating on him, as well as the first but not only time he claimed Megan and I were lovers.
I ended up losing my job that next week, but MMA said he would be able to support us for a little while with his website income. I tried to find a new job, but it was difficult. He got a job with his friend Kit working at Budget detailing cars, and lasted one day. He didn't like his boss. That weekend we went to Michigan to visit his grandparents on his mother's side. I drove all the way from Columbus, Ohio to Muskegeon, Michigan with no help from MMA. He slept nearly the entire time. We arrived early in the morning and didn't want to wake up his grandparents, so we got a room at the Seacrest Motel which was quite trashy. We slept for a couple hours then drove over to their house where I met the grandparents and his mother's sister and her husband. It was fairly uneventful. That night we spent in the hotel was fairly boring, and I happened to be in my special time of month. When I suggested having sex, MMA just about had a heart attack - That was the most disgusting thing he had ever heard of! How could I suggest such a thing?! I was hurt that he would treat me that way, instead of just saying "No" or "I'd rather not." He acted like I was diseased.
The next day we went to lunch with his grandparents to a little Italian restaurant that they apparently frequented. They paid, it was very nice. They were nice people. MMA and I went back to their house after that, and I noticed a missed call on my cell phone. It was Megan. She was just calling to see how the trip was going. MMA got so pissed. He forced me to tell her that she had to move out by the time I got home (which was six hours from that point) and that she had better never come back. By "forced me" I mean he actually pushed me up against the wall in his grandparents' spare bed room and told me what to say to her while holding the phone to my ear. I didn't have a choice, I couldn't make a scene in their house...
When we got home to Columbus, Megan was gone. She took some of my CD's and my stereo, and removed the pipe from the washer to the drain (which I found out a few days later when I did laundry and the basement half flooded.) I was sorry for doing what I did, but I wasn't allowed to call her. This was when MMA really started his evil-ness for the first time. He would monitor my calls and check the caller ID and hit redial after I made a phone call to make sure I wasn't calling her. She had moved in with my friend RMac, and I wasn't allowed to call her either because I might be trying to sneak in a call to Megan.
~To be continued~
I think I left off when we bought the rings.
April 23rd, 2002. We pick up the rings at Zales, and come home where he proposes in the living room. He got down on one knee because he wanted to "do it right" and of course, I said "yes." We decided to get married in October or November, but didn't set a date right then. I've always wanted to get married on November 17th, so that was the day I had in my mind, and I'm so glad we didn't do that... Now I can still get married on that day to a better man. Anyway.
I went to work the next day (I had taken a couple sick days) and showed off my ring to everyone. I was so happy, or so I thought. We went to my parent's house that night and I showed my mom the ring and she was less than thrilled. My dad was out of town so we called him to tell him the "good news" and he was WAY less than thrilled. We told them we weren't going to get married until the fall, and they said it was better that we waited.
That Friday, MMA decided to move in. He brought over all his stuff in the afternoon while Megan was home and I was at work. He was setting up his entertainment center in the basement and Megan and I went to get beer and cigarettes. When we got to her parents' house, their dog had run away the night before. They had had this dog for like ten years so we went to the pound to try and find it. I didn't have a cell phone so I didn't call MMA, but I didn't think we had been gone that long until we got back to my house and realised it had been about two or three hours (there are a lot of dogs at the pound.) Well MMA had gone home by this time, but he made sure to leave a nasty note on the door. I called him and apologized for being so long, but he wasn't having any part of it. I drove over to his house in a panic, crying. When I got there he was so cold to me. We attempted to talk, and that basically consisted of him yelling at me, and in the end I took off my ring and set it in the cupholder. If this was the way he was going to resolve conflict I would have no part of it.
He decided to be nice at this point. We made up, he apologized for being so mean, but to this day I'm sure he would still tell you that he's positive that Megan and I were having sex somewhere. This was the very first of many times when he accused me of cheating on him, as well as the first but not only time he claimed Megan and I were lovers.
I ended up losing my job that next week, but MMA said he would be able to support us for a little while with his website income. I tried to find a new job, but it was difficult. He got a job with his friend Kit working at Budget detailing cars, and lasted one day. He didn't like his boss. That weekend we went to Michigan to visit his grandparents on his mother's side. I drove all the way from Columbus, Ohio to Muskegeon, Michigan with no help from MMA. He slept nearly the entire time. We arrived early in the morning and didn't want to wake up his grandparents, so we got a room at the Seacrest Motel which was quite trashy. We slept for a couple hours then drove over to their house where I met the grandparents and his mother's sister and her husband. It was fairly uneventful. That night we spent in the hotel was fairly boring, and I happened to be in my special time of month. When I suggested having sex, MMA just about had a heart attack - That was the most disgusting thing he had ever heard of! How could I suggest such a thing?! I was hurt that he would treat me that way, instead of just saying "No" or "I'd rather not." He acted like I was diseased.
The next day we went to lunch with his grandparents to a little Italian restaurant that they apparently frequented. They paid, it was very nice. They were nice people. MMA and I went back to their house after that, and I noticed a missed call on my cell phone. It was Megan. She was just calling to see how the trip was going. MMA got so pissed. He forced me to tell her that she had to move out by the time I got home (which was six hours from that point) and that she had better never come back. By "forced me" I mean he actually pushed me up against the wall in his grandparents' spare bed room and told me what to say to her while holding the phone to my ear. I didn't have a choice, I couldn't make a scene in their house...
When we got home to Columbus, Megan was gone. She took some of my CD's and my stereo, and removed the pipe from the washer to the drain (which I found out a few days later when I did laundry and the basement half flooded.) I was sorry for doing what I did, but I wasn't allowed to call her. This was when MMA really started his evil-ness for the first time. He would monitor my calls and check the caller ID and hit redial after I made a phone call to make sure I wasn't calling her. She had moved in with my friend RMac, and I wasn't allowed to call her either because I might be trying to sneak in a call to Megan.
~To be continued~
Found this on a great blog I always read
Courtesy of Normlr
Two Names You Go By --
1. Kelly
2. Kel
Two Parts of Your Heritage --
1. German
2. Polish
Two Things That Scare You --
1. The Entire Human Race
2. The Unknown (not aliens and shit like that, the unknown as in "When will I die?, Will my mom live to be 60?" etc.)
Two of Your Everyday Essentials --
1. Sal
2. Cigarettes
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now --
1. New black blouse it's awesome
2. The beautiful necklace Sal gave me
Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment) --
1. Kanye West
2. Eminem
Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love) --
1. Kinky Sex
2. Honesty
Two Truths --
1. I'm honestly willing to move to New Jersey (that's scary)
2. I actually think I'm fairly attractive
Two Physical Things that Appeal to You --
1. Broad chest
2. The ability to cry
Two of Your Favorite Hobbies --
1. Upkeep of my dumb websites
2. Karaoke
Two Things You Want Really Badly --
1. A divorce
2. A divorce
Two Places You Want to go on Vacation --
1. Italy
2. Canada
Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die --
1. Publish a book of my poetry (I'm working on it)
2. Win another award for my art
Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Guy -- I'm not, so I'm changing this to Girl
1. I fret a lot
2. I have far too many make up products
Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit --
1. I miss Tony
2. I've seriously considered trying to rehabilitate my marriage just to save myself from all this hassle.
Two Things You Are Thinking About Now --
1. I wonder what I should order from Red Robin?
2. Do I really want to go to karaoke with O. tonight?
Two Stores You Shop At --
1. Lane Bryant
2. Kroger
Two people I haven't talked to in a while --
1. Sarah in Cleveland
2. My grandma
Two bloggers who may now dislike you for passing this on to them --
1. I won't pass it on because... I don't know, if you read this and you wanna do it, fine.
2. Yep, not twistin' yer arm.
Two Names You Go By --
1. Kelly
2. Kel
Two Parts of Your Heritage --
1. German
2. Polish
Two Things That Scare You --
1. The Entire Human Race
2. The Unknown (not aliens and shit like that, the unknown as in "When will I die?, Will my mom live to be 60?" etc.)
Two of Your Everyday Essentials --
1. Sal
2. Cigarettes
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now --
1. New black blouse it's awesome
2. The beautiful necklace Sal gave me
Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment) --
1. Kanye West
2. Eminem
Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love) --
1. Kinky Sex
2. Honesty
Two Truths --
1. I'm honestly willing to move to New Jersey (that's scary)
2. I actually think I'm fairly attractive
Two Physical Things that Appeal to You --
1. Broad chest
2. The ability to cry
Two of Your Favorite Hobbies --
1. Upkeep of my dumb websites
2. Karaoke
Two Things You Want Really Badly --
1. A divorce
2. A divorce
Two Places You Want to go on Vacation --
1. Italy
2. Canada
Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die --
1. Publish a book of my poetry (I'm working on it)
2. Win another award for my art
Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Guy -- I'm not, so I'm changing this to Girl
1. I fret a lot
2. I have far too many make up products
Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit --
1. I miss Tony
2. I've seriously considered trying to rehabilitate my marriage just to save myself from all this hassle.
Two Things You Are Thinking About Now --
1. I wonder what I should order from Red Robin?
2. Do I really want to go to karaoke with O. tonight?
Two Stores You Shop At --
1. Lane Bryant
2. Kroger
Two people I haven't talked to in a while --
1. Sarah in Cleveland
2. My grandma
Two bloggers who may now dislike you for passing this on to them --
1. I won't pass it on because... I don't know, if you read this and you wanna do it, fine.
2. Yep, not twistin' yer arm.
My Space Hell
Oh Jesus.
So, I know I had a dream about...um, like... a long time ago where I had a myspace account and I was looking at it and this song was playing and it was on my profile. Well... that happened to me! Tonight! Oh Jesus I tell you what, if I didn't just have the strongest deja vu ever, I don't know what it was. Crazy.
Must sleep. DS is in town tomorrow... yikes.
Check out myspace and leave me a comment, bitches.
So, I know I had a dream about...um, like... a long time ago where I had a myspace account and I was looking at it and this song was playing and it was on my profile. Well... that happened to me! Tonight! Oh Jesus I tell you what, if I didn't just have the strongest deja vu ever, I don't know what it was. Crazy.
Must sleep. DS is in town tomorrow... yikes.
Check out myspace and leave me a comment, bitches.
18 November 2005
Strange Dream, I've Lost Count
I am the best number one flea killer in the county. I make my living flicking fleas off animals and stabbing the flea through the shell with a toothpick. No animals in this or the four surrounding counties have fleas; in fact, the fleas don't even bother to take up residence in these counties because they know they will be killed. I have altered evolution.
I eat at the Papa John's attached to the K-Mart every night. They know me there, after all, I'm a local hero. This Papa John's isn't like the regular pizza shop though, it's an actual restaurant much like Applebee's or TGIFriday's, and they allow all animals to roam free. I sit at a booth in the front that has pictures of me with various animals and their owners and my trophies surround the booth. I'm sitting there waiting for GG and Wendell to come in, but they aren't together. Apparently they have moved on from each other. GG is trying to convince everyone that she's no longer blind, however, she keeps tripping on and bumping into things. She's carrying a leash around just in case Wendell decides to come back to her. Wendell comes in, and she goes underneath the table to sit with the other dogs. They aren't seeing eye dogs, just regular dogs. GG tries to get Wendell to put her harness on, but Wendell is having no part of it and starts screaming. I've never heard a dog scream in real life, so I'm not sure if that's what it would sound like or not but it was gross.
This other girl who is sitting at the table with us is pretty ghetto fabulous. I get up to get my food, and I knock my purse over, and all these receipts fly out, and Wendell eats them. The ghetto girl is yelling at me and GG for making a mess, so I just leave. When I get home I hear something quacking outside, and I realise that my ducks are ready for picking. I go outside and there, hanging from a sort of maple tree, is a mauve-colored pod that is cracking open. A mallard duck (female) breaks out of it, but her beak is still attached to the branch. The duck twists and twists until her beak breaks away and she falls into this nest thing below the branch. In this nest are about ten baby ducks, in various stages of growth - some so teeny you can barely see them, some big and fluffy. As I'm looking for my ladder to get up and get the baby ducks down, my phone rings and it's SL. I can't answer the phone in time, but I try to call him back and I get his voicemail. All it says is, "Hi this is Sal, if you're calling about the white or green hondas, they've both been sold." As I'm listening to his voicemail, he calls back, only this time it's in real life, interrupting my dream.
Weird.
I talked to SL for a little while. He started a new job today and has to be there at 8 a.m. so he called me around 7:30 a.m. I didn't mind because I love hearing his voice first thing in the morning. I know I told him about my dream and he was like whatever lady because I'm sure I wasn't making much sense. We talked for about ten minutes or so while he rode the bus to work, and then I went back to sleep. My sleep last night was terrible. I fell asleep around... oh, I don't know, maybe like two-two thirty a.m. and woke up at six a.m., boiling in my pajamas and roasting under the covers. I got up, took off all my clothes, opened the windows wide and turned on the fan... but I was still hot. I finally fell asleep around six thirty a.m. after listening to my loud fucking neighbors scraping their windows and starting and re-starting their cars. It was ridiculous. That's when I had the dream, between six thirty and seven thirty when SL called me.
Last night I went to karaoke with O, and it was pretty cool. I sang awesomely, except for "Skin" by Rascall Flatts which I fucked up royally. I love that song and I think I can do it but I will need to practice more. I met Zara's little brother and his two friends, one of whom bought me a beer, and they were all really nice. Tomcat was there, and Moose showed up right before I left. Poke, Cameron, and D*Martin were there, which was a little unusual because Poke and his crowd haven't been coming except for D*Martin. Poke was alright, I made a real effort to be nice to him, except for I think he may have thought that I was going to fuck him or something because he kept kissing me and putting his arm around me. He was nice though, but I wasn't too happy about being fondled so much. D*Martin was being his regular self, that was cool. They made a big mess on the floor with popcorn, it's a good thing Wendell wasn't there! I found out Poke has a myspace, so when I got home I added him and left a nice email. Ha.
I eat at the Papa John's attached to the K-Mart every night. They know me there, after all, I'm a local hero. This Papa John's isn't like the regular pizza shop though, it's an actual restaurant much like Applebee's or TGIFriday's, and they allow all animals to roam free. I sit at a booth in the front that has pictures of me with various animals and their owners and my trophies surround the booth. I'm sitting there waiting for GG and Wendell to come in, but they aren't together. Apparently they have moved on from each other. GG is trying to convince everyone that she's no longer blind, however, she keeps tripping on and bumping into things. She's carrying a leash around just in case Wendell decides to come back to her. Wendell comes in, and she goes underneath the table to sit with the other dogs. They aren't seeing eye dogs, just regular dogs. GG tries to get Wendell to put her harness on, but Wendell is having no part of it and starts screaming. I've never heard a dog scream in real life, so I'm not sure if that's what it would sound like or not but it was gross.
This other girl who is sitting at the table with us is pretty ghetto fabulous. I get up to get my food, and I knock my purse over, and all these receipts fly out, and Wendell eats them. The ghetto girl is yelling at me and GG for making a mess, so I just leave. When I get home I hear something quacking outside, and I realise that my ducks are ready for picking. I go outside and there, hanging from a sort of maple tree, is a mauve-colored pod that is cracking open. A mallard duck (female) breaks out of it, but her beak is still attached to the branch. The duck twists and twists until her beak breaks away and she falls into this nest thing below the branch. In this nest are about ten baby ducks, in various stages of growth - some so teeny you can barely see them, some big and fluffy. As I'm looking for my ladder to get up and get the baby ducks down, my phone rings and it's SL. I can't answer the phone in time, but I try to call him back and I get his voicemail. All it says is, "Hi this is Sal, if you're calling about the white or green hondas, they've both been sold." As I'm listening to his voicemail, he calls back, only this time it's in real life, interrupting my dream.
Weird.
I talked to SL for a little while. He started a new job today and has to be there at 8 a.m. so he called me around 7:30 a.m. I didn't mind because I love hearing his voice first thing in the morning. I know I told him about my dream and he was like whatever lady because I'm sure I wasn't making much sense. We talked for about ten minutes or so while he rode the bus to work, and then I went back to sleep. My sleep last night was terrible. I fell asleep around... oh, I don't know, maybe like two-two thirty a.m. and woke up at six a.m., boiling in my pajamas and roasting under the covers. I got up, took off all my clothes, opened the windows wide and turned on the fan... but I was still hot. I finally fell asleep around six thirty a.m. after listening to my loud fucking neighbors scraping their windows and starting and re-starting their cars. It was ridiculous. That's when I had the dream, between six thirty and seven thirty when SL called me.
Last night I went to karaoke with O, and it was pretty cool. I sang awesomely, except for "Skin" by Rascall Flatts which I fucked up royally. I love that song and I think I can do it but I will need to practice more. I met Zara's little brother and his two friends, one of whom bought me a beer, and they were all really nice. Tomcat was there, and Moose showed up right before I left. Poke, Cameron, and D*Martin were there, which was a little unusual because Poke and his crowd haven't been coming except for D*Martin. Poke was alright, I made a real effort to be nice to him, except for I think he may have thought that I was going to fuck him or something because he kept kissing me and putting his arm around me. He was nice though, but I wasn't too happy about being fondled so much. D*Martin was being his regular self, that was cool. They made a big mess on the floor with popcorn, it's a good thing Wendell wasn't there! I found out Poke has a myspace, so when I got home I added him and left a nice email. Ha.
12 November 2005
Our Song Even Though He Hates Country Music
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I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Now I’m just rollin’ home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you
I Have Returned!
Oh man, Florida was great. Actually, Florida sucks monkey balls, but SL was fucking wonderful. I am so in love.
I left Friday night at about ten thirty, after working all day and only getting an hour and a half of sleep in before I headed out. I was too excited to sleep. The first part of the drive was pretty easy, but once night turned into day it started to suck so bad. I made it halfway and ended up at a travel plaza in South Carolina where I had to sleep for an hour. I got back on the road around 8am, and by the time I reached the Georgia/Florida border, I was feeling pretty shitty again. I talked to SL on the phone a bit, and to KG and GG also, but I was taking these Pep-Back pills (basically like No-Doz) and they were making me shake. I made it into West Palm Beach at around 4:45pm. Drive time was about 17 hours! That was awesome.
When I saw SL coming out of his building, I was shaking so much. It was a combination of those pills and my nerves just going crazy. I couldn't barely move. We went into his place, and sat on the couch for awhile; I called my dad and GG to let them know I had made it safely. SL and I had some quality time after that, and then we headed to his friends R&R's house, which seemed like it was out in the country. They were an interesting bunch, I tell you what. We drank some beers with all these people, and I kept falling asleep on the couch. SL and I were bad, we effed on his friend's bed like three times (hehe!) but she wasn't there so it was alright, plus he was nice and washed the sheets for her in the morning before she came home. The only shitty thing was the girls called (they were seriously in the middle of nowhere called "Corbett", camping) and said that some dudes they knew were harassing them. It was just a ploy to get attention because that's how R&R's relationship is, but we went anyway and I found out that my Mustang can off-road. Not very well, but it still can. I slept in the car while SL, R1, and N went and checked on them. I had to sleep there that night because my hotel wasn't ready until Sunday afternoon.
Sunday we checked into the hotel and stayed there pretty much all evening til we got some food and went to see R&R again. R2's mom was kinda in a bad mood so we didn't stay. SL and I went to IHOP for the first time ever in my life. I actually ate pancakes with lots of syrup - 1 piece with maple syrup, 1 piece with butter pecan syrup, 1 piece with blueberry syrup and 1 piece with strawberry syrup. It was great. I had an omlette too but it wasn't that good.
Monday SL overslept for work so he didn't go in. We hung out with R1 for some of the day, and went to the mall. In the late afternoon we went to the Hong Kong Buffet and it was really good. We were talking about things to do for the rest of the trip and SL says, "I have a good idea! Give me the keys, my good idea is in the car." So he goes out to the car and comes back and I don't see him holding anything or anything like that so I think to myself that that was very strange. A few minutes later while we're still eating he says "Here." And hands me a little white jewelry box. Now, of course, I have a momentary freak out because it's about the same size as a ring box, but I open it, and it's a beautiful diamond and gold heart necklace. Oh man. I almost cried in the restaurant but I kept my composure. We left a little bit later and headed to R&R's again. We were going to hang out there but R2's mom still didn't want anyone over. We got some Captain Morgan and Sprite, and headed back to the hotel. The only problem was, the damn Sprite was flat. Here's a pic of me kicking it:
So we got some beers instead. We didn't get drunk or anything, just hung around and talked and laughed and took a bunch of pictures of each other.
Tuesday SL had to go to work so I dropped him off and went back to the hotel where I slept until about noon. He sent me a txt msg while I was sleeping that said "I think for you I might wanna try the long distance thing. Just thought you might wanna know that. Love you baby. SL" And at that point, I was the happiest girl alive. That night we went out to dinner with VM that I used to work with. It was great, we went to Brewzzi, which I suppose would qualify as an Italian Bar and Grille. I got to see this kid Adam who I haven't seen in almost a year (I haven't even seen VM in that long either) and also VM's brother who I haven't seen in about a year and a half. It was really a fun time, I met a couple of other guys who work with them, and they were really nice. One kid was in the Army so he and SL were talking about that a lot. VM offered me a job, and I half considered it for about half a second until I realised what a bad idea it was. I love VM as a friend but I could never work for him. Plus I could never leave the job I have right now, it's too awesome. Also, what would be the point of moving to Florida if SL is moving to Jersey in about 5-6 months? After dinner, SL and I drove around and around, he showed me some really awesome mansions on the ocean, some beaches, and downtown West Palm Beach. It was so nice, just riding in the car with him, talking and laughing and all that.
Wednesday SL overslept again so he didn't go to work. We spent the whole day driving around and picking up his friends and stuff, and I was kinda irritated because we had started out going to the beach and it was my last day there and I wanted to spend time alone with SL and make it as special as possible. At one point we stopped back at his house and R1 and I were alone in the car, and he was like, "Why are you so sad today?" and I told him it was because I was leaving tomorrow and I had wanted to spend time with SL, alone. So R1 said he would make this other girl take him and R2 home, and he got out of the car and talked to SL and it was all good. (Shoutout to R1!) SL wanted to go back to the hotel but I still wanted to go to the beach, so we stopped at Subway and ate dinner, then headed to the beach. It was Riviera Beach, behind all these hotels and really expensive condos. We walked down a long walkway and when we got to the sand I was amazed. I have never been to the beach before, except for Lake Erie, which isn't big like the ocean, and the "beach" that is in Massachusettes which is really more like rocks and then ocean. The water was so warm and I rolled up my jeans and stood in the wet sand and wrote "Kelly hearts SL" all over the place. We kissed for awhile, and it was so romantic because the wind was blowing and the waves were crashing and the half moon was shining down on us as the Palm Princess sailed past, all colorful and bright. It was so beautiful and I didn't want to leave, but we had to go back to the hotel for quality time. Wednesday night we actually got a bit drunk while we watched movies on TV. We talked to GG a little and SL thanked her profusely for hooking us up. Near the end of the night, I cried a lot and he cried too which I thought was so sweet. He said the only other woman to ever make him cry was his mom so that made me feel really special.
I woke up Thursday morning around 6am. I couldn't find my necklace and I was crying, but then I found it in the dirty laundry bag. How it ever got there, I could not tell you. I was so sad inside that I couldn't really cry over leaving though. SL and I got some breakfast from the hotel (it was complimentary) and packed up and took him home. I cried a little bit at his house, and then I got on the road eventually around 9am. The drive back was so easy compared to the way down. I only hit some rush hour traffic in North Carolina, and shortly thereafter I had to stop and buy a car charger because my battery had died for my phone and I didn't want to be driving all that way without contact to the world. I talked to SL for a long time (he decided that very day to get mobile to mobile so I got it that day too and now we can talk whenever for free) while I was driving, and he came up with a great plan that I'm not going to talk about just yet because I don't want to jinx anything. Eventually I let him go to sleep, but it wasn't long til I reached Ohio's border and called GG. She and I talked for two hours, the exact time it takes to get from the border to my parking space - literally, one hour, 59 minutes, and 20 seconds. I got home around 2:30am, plunked all my crap down, took a shower, called SL to let him know I was home, and went to sleep.
I worked on Friday, and I was so damn tired. It wasn't too bad though. I went home and took a nap after effing around with CVS trying to get my pictures developed. Then around seven I met up with GG and IH at Fiesta Jalisco for some authentic Mexican cuisine. We went back to my place after that and GG got to meet my kittens and IH got to see my house for the very first time. I took some pictures of GG and the kittens and of IH and all the animals randomly. Wendell was behaving herself very well and the kittens weren't too afraid of her, just curious and a little scared because I'm pretty sure they have never seen a dog before in their lives. Mickey sat on GG's lap the whole time. We went to Zuey's after that and I talked to Ferfer and SR and D for awhile, then I took a bunch of pictures of GG and IH, DG and TG, and RC. It was all quite fun and I had a very nice buzz going on. RC asked if I could take him home, which was a little weird, but it was okay. We were watching Jurassic Park and laying on the futon, which wasn't strange, but then he was falling asleep (I assume) and he was touching my tits and being a little odd with what he was saying, so I left. It was quite uncharacteristic of RC to do something like that, so I'm hoping he was just asleep and didn't realise what was going on. I talked to SL on the way home and also a few times when I got home, and then I crashed out on the couch because my bed is far too empty without a SL in it to keep me warm.
I hope he can come visit here in about a month.
02 November 2005
Travelin' Soldier
I've heard this song every single day this week... *sigh*
Two days past eighteen
He was waiting for the bus in his army green
Sat down in a booth in a cafe there
Gave his order to a girl with a bow in her hair
He's a little shy so she gives him a smile
And he said would you mind sittin' down for a while
And talking to me,
I'm feeling a little low
She said I'm off in an hour and I know where we can go
So they went down and they sat on the pier
He said I bet you got a boyfriend but I don't care
I got no one to send a letter to
Would you mind if I sent one back here to you
I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Over love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home
So the letters came from an army camp
In California then Vietnam
And he told her of his heart
It might be love and all of the things he was so scared of
He said when it's getting kinda rough over here
I think of that day sittin' down at the pier
And I close my eyes and see your pretty smile
Don't worry but I won't be able to write for awhile
I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Over love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home
One Friday night at a football game
The Lord's Prayer said and the Anthem sang
A man said folks would you bow your heads
For a list of local Vietnam dead
Crying all alone under the stands
Was a piccolo player in the marching band
And one name read and nobody really cared
But a pretty little girl with a bow in her hair
I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Over love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home
I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Over love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home
Two days past eighteen
He was waiting for the bus in his army green
Sat down in a booth in a cafe there
Gave his order to a girl with a bow in her hair
He's a little shy so she gives him a smile
And he said would you mind sittin' down for a while
And talking to me,
I'm feeling a little low
She said I'm off in an hour and I know where we can go
So they went down and they sat on the pier
He said I bet you got a boyfriend but I don't care
I got no one to send a letter to
Would you mind if I sent one back here to you
I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Over love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home
So the letters came from an army camp
In California then Vietnam
And he told her of his heart
It might be love and all of the things he was so scared of
He said when it's getting kinda rough over here
I think of that day sittin' down at the pier
And I close my eyes and see your pretty smile
Don't worry but I won't be able to write for awhile
I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Over love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home
One Friday night at a football game
The Lord's Prayer said and the Anthem sang
A man said folks would you bow your heads
For a list of local Vietnam dead
Crying all alone under the stands
Was a piccolo player in the marching band
And one name read and nobody really cared
But a pretty little girl with a bow in her hair
I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Over love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home
I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Over love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home
Gifford
This is hilarious. Click here to take your own tests.
"Come on out of your shell — in your former life you were a turtle name Gifford. The details are a bit sketchy, but we do have a brief summary based on public records: You were born in a small pond beside a saloon. Despite having an exceptionally athletic father, you seemed to prefer sunbathing and mud baths to more active pursuits. Contrary to the rumor, your favorite color was never green, but actually blue. Few people knew that you were a talented poet because most of your work was destroyed during a flash flood that swept away not only your library, but your entire community. Fortunately you had the pluck to survive, settle down, make some eggs, and live happily ever after with your wife Melinda and your 20 offspring."
So so so funny, and everything would actually apply if I really was a turtle! Neato!
"Come on out of your shell — in your former life you were a turtle name Gifford. The details are a bit sketchy, but we do have a brief summary based on public records: You were born in a small pond beside a saloon. Despite having an exceptionally athletic father, you seemed to prefer sunbathing and mud baths to more active pursuits. Contrary to the rumor, your favorite color was never green, but actually blue. Few people knew that you were a talented poet because most of your work was destroyed during a flash flood that swept away not only your library, but your entire community. Fortunately you had the pluck to survive, settle down, make some eggs, and live happily ever after with your wife Melinda and your 20 offspring."
So so so funny, and everything would actually apply if I really was a turtle! Neato!
01 November 2005
A Public Display of Humiliation
This is mostly for my benefit. Read on if you like and if you're not afraid to see it raw.
Common Self-Defeating Attitudes and Fears
1. "It would be terrible to be rejected, abandoned, or alone. I must have love and approval before I can feel good about myself."
Well I suppose this is kind of true. I need to feel loved, but I don't need to be in love, so to speak. I've been rejected, I've been abandoned, and I've definitely been alone... I can usually deal with it, but since the marriage, it's become more difficult.
2. "If someone critcizes me, it means there's something wrong with me."
Definitely true. I totally believe this 100% without a doubt. I know that there is such a thing as "constructive criticism" but it's still criticism. Criticism is the activity of judgement or interpretation - you're being judged. Sometimes fairly, sometimes not, but being judged makes me self conscious which is the last thing I need.
3. "I must always please people and live up to everyone's expectations."
Me to a T. A mother-fucking T. This was instilled in me from a young age, so I'm not surprised. Do what the parents want, do what the school wants, do what your boss wants, and don't just do it, do it to the best of your ability. They try to say that they are "challenging your mind" or something... When it comes to relationships, I'm the same way though. My marriage probably would have a) never happened or b) worked out alright if I had actually had some balls to stand up and not worry about Matt being upset/miserable/uncomfortable and worried about myself and my well being... but if I care about myself I'm being selfish.
4. "I am basically defective and inferior to other people."
Well, this is a weird combination of feelings. I'm not defective, I mean seriously, I'm a human being and although my machine may not run at top quality, I still run. I am inferior though, for sure. I'm inferior to WR because he's younger than me and better off financially, relationship-wise, and socially. I'm inferior to Dr. Bob because he's a doctor and he has a house and a family and the like. I'm inferior to SL because he has had so many great life experiences, and I have had none. I don't measure up to these people and I probably never will, no matter how hard I try.
5. "Other people are to blame for my problems."
This couldn't be farther from the truth. I totally take blame for every single thing that goes wrong, always. It's terrible and I end up feeling guilty at the end of the day, even if nothing really was my fault.
6. "The world should always be the way I want it to be."
Again, couldn't be farther from the truth. If the world was the way I wanted it to be, I wouldn't be here. Things would be completely different and this question would be irrelevant.
7. "Other people should always meet my expectations."
Not always. I want respect, I want kindness, I want 'fair' - if I piss you off, fine, get pissed off back, that's fair. But if I do something great for you, do it back, that's fair too. I don't want to waste my time on you if I'm not going to get at least some shred of evidence that you appreciate what I'm doing. I'm not talking about material possessions either - Did I just hold the door for you? I think a "thank you" is in order.
8. "If I worry or feel bad about a situation, it will somehow make things better. It's not really safe to feel happy and optimistic."
Oh my god, they couldn't have put it better - but I will: "I always expect the worst so that when the worst doesn't happen, I am pleasantly surprised." It's true too, and I'm going through it right now. I'm tripping out about this trip to Florida and I have absolutely no good reason. I think back to when I first started talking to SL and I was completely happy, and completely myself because it was still 79 days til I was going to meet him. Now it's three and a half days. We say "I love you". I'm so afraid of what could, or should I say might not, happen...
9. "I'm hopeless and bound to feel depressed forever because the problems in my life are impossible to solve."
I only feel this way about one problem and that's Matt. I seriously feel that I will never ever be able to get a divorce. I have tried so many things, so many times, and nothing works. I really feel that one of us will have to die first, and it will probably end up being me.
10. "I must always try to be perfect."
Yes, I try, and then I fail miserably and we start all over again.
Types of Perfectionism that can make you unhappy:
I don't really know the point of this, I just had to get it out. I'm going to apologize to SL for being not myself lately because I know he's felt it, and to anyone else affected, I apologize to you too.
Common Self-Defeating Attitudes and Fears
1. "It would be terrible to be rejected, abandoned, or alone. I must have love and approval before I can feel good about myself."
Well I suppose this is kind of true. I need to feel loved, but I don't need to be in love, so to speak. I've been rejected, I've been abandoned, and I've definitely been alone... I can usually deal with it, but since the marriage, it's become more difficult.
2. "If someone critcizes me, it means there's something wrong with me."
Definitely true. I totally believe this 100% without a doubt. I know that there is such a thing as "constructive criticism" but it's still criticism. Criticism is the activity of judgement or interpretation - you're being judged. Sometimes fairly, sometimes not, but being judged makes me self conscious which is the last thing I need.
3. "I must always please people and live up to everyone's expectations."
Me to a T. A mother-fucking T. This was instilled in me from a young age, so I'm not surprised. Do what the parents want, do what the school wants, do what your boss wants, and don't just do it, do it to the best of your ability. They try to say that they are "challenging your mind" or something... When it comes to relationships, I'm the same way though. My marriage probably would have a) never happened or b) worked out alright if I had actually had some balls to stand up and not worry about Matt being upset/miserable/uncomfortable and worried about myself and my well being... but if I care about myself I'm being selfish.
4. "I am basically defective and inferior to other people."
Well, this is a weird combination of feelings. I'm not defective, I mean seriously, I'm a human being and although my machine may not run at top quality, I still run. I am inferior though, for sure. I'm inferior to WR because he's younger than me and better off financially, relationship-wise, and socially. I'm inferior to Dr. Bob because he's a doctor and he has a house and a family and the like. I'm inferior to SL because he has had so many great life experiences, and I have had none. I don't measure up to these people and I probably never will, no matter how hard I try.
5. "Other people are to blame for my problems."
This couldn't be farther from the truth. I totally take blame for every single thing that goes wrong, always. It's terrible and I end up feeling guilty at the end of the day, even if nothing really was my fault.
6. "The world should always be the way I want it to be."
Again, couldn't be farther from the truth. If the world was the way I wanted it to be, I wouldn't be here. Things would be completely different and this question would be irrelevant.
7. "Other people should always meet my expectations."
Not always. I want respect, I want kindness, I want 'fair' - if I piss you off, fine, get pissed off back, that's fair. But if I do something great for you, do it back, that's fair too. I don't want to waste my time on you if I'm not going to get at least some shred of evidence that you appreciate what I'm doing. I'm not talking about material possessions either - Did I just hold the door for you? I think a "thank you" is in order.
8. "If I worry or feel bad about a situation, it will somehow make things better. It's not really safe to feel happy and optimistic."
Oh my god, they couldn't have put it better - but I will: "I always expect the worst so that when the worst doesn't happen, I am pleasantly surprised." It's true too, and I'm going through it right now. I'm tripping out about this trip to Florida and I have absolutely no good reason. I think back to when I first started talking to SL and I was completely happy, and completely myself because it was still 79 days til I was going to meet him. Now it's three and a half days. We say "I love you". I'm so afraid of what could, or should I say might not, happen...
9. "I'm hopeless and bound to feel depressed forever because the problems in my life are impossible to solve."
I only feel this way about one problem and that's Matt. I seriously feel that I will never ever be able to get a divorce. I have tried so many things, so many times, and nothing works. I really feel that one of us will have to die first, and it will probably end up being me.
10. "I must always try to be perfect."
Yes, I try, and then I fail miserably and we start all over again.
Types of Perfectionism that can make you unhappy:
- Moralistic Perfection: "I must not forgive myself if I have fallen short of any goal or personal standard." Yep.
- Performance Perfection: "To be a worthwhile person, I must be a great success at everything I do." Yep.
- Identity Perfection: "People will never accept me as a flawed and vulnerable human being." Yep.
- Emotional Perfection: "I must always try to be happy. I must control my negative emotions and never feel anxious or depressed." Yep.
- Romantic Perfection: "I must find a perfect mate and always feel infatuated with him or her." Not so much, I know love has its ups and downs.
- Relationship Perfection: "People who love each other should never fight or feel angry with each other." Definitely No! We're not robots!
- Sexual Perfection: Men: "I should always have sustained and full erections. It's shameful and unmanly if I have an episode of impotence or come too quickly." Women: "I should always achieve orgasm or multiple orgasms." This doesn't even apply, I'm actually quite fine with my sexual performance.
- Appearance Perfection: "I look ugly because I am overweight or have heavy thighs or a facial blemish, etc." Yep.
I don't really know the point of this, I just had to get it out. I'm going to apologize to SL for being not myself lately because I know he's felt it, and to anyone else affected, I apologize to you too.
I Just Love Signing Up for Things
Like myspace.com which is pretty fucking gay but I signed up awhile back and then my yahoo! account was hacked/fucked/destroyed and when SL told me he was updating his tonight I decided I may as well do the same. Woo-hoo.
Click for My MySpace Account if you feel the need.
I think that I'm going to use that for all those stupid quizzes and bullshit that I'm addicted to because I just LOVE filling out forms!! You think I'm kidding, but I'm not!!
Damnit. Four days.
Oh and by the way, this is me being self conscious because EVERYONE in Florida is beautiful and I'm so fucking farmy. Goddamnit. Oh, I know I have a great personality and the biggest tits this side of West Dublin Granville Road; I'm a hot chick for being from Ohio, I need this extra layer to keep me warm in the wintertime... and summertime... and anytime Ohio weather feels the need to be chilly... However, this extra layer makes me NOT HOT in Florida and I'm very worried about being around SL's friends and being the out-of-state fat chick and seriously listening to hidden snickers and shit like that. I know people aren't as cruel as I make them out to be, but those people who actually are that cruel are usually the ones I come in contact with. I may never leave the hotel room. I know SL is tired of hearing it, he scolded me again tonight. I gotta watch it or he's gonna get irritated.
Got another Brazilian Wax today... not as painful as the first one. I'm so smooth and tight you can bounce quarters off my pussy. That was slightly distasteful, but who gives a fuck? It's 1:36 a.m., I should SERIOUSLY be sleeping but I can't because I'm worried about all the beautiful people in Florida. Goddamnit. At least I know I have the smoothest cooch around.
Click for My MySpace Account if you feel the need.
I think that I'm going to use that for all those stupid quizzes and bullshit that I'm addicted to because I just LOVE filling out forms!! You think I'm kidding, but I'm not!!
Damnit. Four days.
Oh and by the way, this is me being self conscious because EVERYONE in Florida is beautiful and I'm so fucking farmy. Goddamnit. Oh, I know I have a great personality and the biggest tits this side of West Dublin Granville Road; I'm a hot chick for being from Ohio, I need this extra layer to keep me warm in the wintertime... and summertime... and anytime Ohio weather feels the need to be chilly... However, this extra layer makes me NOT HOT in Florida and I'm very worried about being around SL's friends and being the out-of-state fat chick and seriously listening to hidden snickers and shit like that. I know people aren't as cruel as I make them out to be, but those people who actually are that cruel are usually the ones I come in contact with. I may never leave the hotel room. I know SL is tired of hearing it, he scolded me again tonight. I gotta watch it or he's gonna get irritated.
Got another Brazilian Wax today... not as painful as the first one. I'm so smooth and tight you can bounce quarters off my pussy. That was slightly distasteful, but who gives a fuck? It's 1:36 a.m., I should SERIOUSLY be sleeping but I can't because I'm worried about all the beautiful people in Florida. Goddamnit. At least I know I have the smoothest cooch around.
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