Weird Dream # 493... I'd imagine.
I dreamt that I was on some sort of field trip, possibly a class reunion, with kids that I went to K-8 with. At one point we stopped at a gas station, and I had to pee. Some little girls had to also, so I volunteered to take them with me. Turned out that the bathroom was a shitty one-person, so I had to wait for the little girls to go then I told them to wait while I went. They were waiting just fine and I was almost done, when someone tried to open the door. The door wasn't very secure, and in fact I was holding it closed, and yelled, "Someone's in here!" The person on the other side kept trying to open the door, and I was almost being pulled off the toilet trying to keep it closed. Finally they got the better of me, and it swung open while I was still sitting there trying to pee. RB from work and this guy I went to high school with, TJG, were standing there laughing. I was like, "What the fuck guys, didn't you hear me yell someone was in here?" They said no, they had seen someone walk away from the door and it was open so they thought it was unoccupied. I thought that was a load of shit, and I said so. They just kept laughing, I finished peeing, and by this time the little girls had ran back to the bus so I just pulled up my jeans and walked out. I wanted to find some anti-bacterial hand lotion to buy, since I hadn't washed my hands, and when I walked into the gas station store, everyone I saw was laughing at me or talking about me, how I had let the door be open when I was peeing. It got to be so ridiculous that I literally punched some girls in their faces. Several times. Then people were pissed off at me for being pissed off that they were laughing. I ended up going around and punching all kinds of people in the face - girls, boys, people I didn't know, it didn't matter. Everyone was laughing at me and making fun of me, and making me look like a fool. Finally I got on the bus and sat and waited for it to be over. The next stop was my stop and I could have just walked but it was a little bit too far. Some girl came and sat by me, and scowled. I asked her why she was sitting by me - didn't she hate me or want to laugh at me like everyone else? She said yes, she did, and in fact I had punched her in the mouth earlier... But she knew that I was a generous person and a fool and she wanted to still be my friend in case she needed me later in life. I told her to fuck off, just saying that had ended the friendship, and then she got pissed at me because, "Wouldn't I rather her be honest than lie?" and I said, "Not in that case." She stomped off the bus.
I must have either switched dreams or "gone to commercial" at this point, because the next thing I knew I was at my old house on 2nd Ave, except I didn't live there. My old boyfriend JJN lived there, and I had come to see how he had fixed up the place. Zara was there with me, for "moral support" and we came in two cars. We went in, JJN hadn't really done much with it except put in new carpeting. We ate some sandwiches and chips and watched a little bit of TV, and then I said it was time to go. JJN had fallen asleep on the couch, so Zara and I just walked out. She got in her car, which was a funky looking green Saturn (not her real life car) and I walked up half a block and got in mine. I had to no problem pulling out of the space, even though I was parallel parked, and turned around and drove down the street towards High. When I passed her, she was still waiting to get out, but I didn't have time to stop and let her go before me. As I looked over at the house, JJN was outside crouched by a tree and smoking a cigarette (he doesn't smoke in real life.) I honked and he waved and that was it. I woke up.
I'm thinking that this dream happened because I've been so angry the last few days, remembering all the times people screwed me over. It's not that I hold a grudge, really, but it's not fair that I have to suffer over their shittiness for the rest of my life, while they move on, happy as goddamn clams. For instance: 4th grade: I had just discovered sour cream and onion chips. I was hanging out on the bleachers at school because my mom worked at the villa there and I had to wait for her to be done so we could go home. I had a bag of chips with me, just chillin' there, eating them, and this girl, Staci, came along with my friend Sarah Z. Staci conned that bag out of my hands by promising that she would bring me a new bag the next day. She never brought me one. Ever. She was the same girl who conned dollars out of me when they put the nacho machine in, and never paid me back. I would assume, that with interest, she probably owes me about $200 and 4 bags of chips. The big bags.
The same thing still continues today. DS (the gay half-breed) got so much free cocaine from me, so many drinks, fucked me over on this computer, stole my game, fucked me literally, and I'm left with a piece of shit computer, no RCT3, and the thought in my mind that I had sex with him... it's not that I regret it... but kinda. And out of all the men I've been with, he really is the only one I regret a little. I think it's because of all the other shit he did to me. There are so many others I could talk about - TM who not only stole money and DVDs and my wedding rings, but also got me addicted to cocaine; MMA who literally ruined my life, I lost my house and car and so on... but the worst part about MMA is that several times he went on a rampage and threw out things from my childhood that I had, just so I wouldn't think of my family. I don't know if I still have my rosary from my First Communion or not, several books my mom had made for me, cards I got when I was little... all gone. Every single one. Cards that I had gotten from people who are now dead that I rec'd when I was born! He really is a terrible person.
I guess I'm done being angry for today. It gives me a headache. I think that's why I've been so achey all weekend - because I've been so miserable about shit I can't change. Bah - back to trying to be optimistic.
On a happier note, Happy Birthday, SL!
No comments:
Post a Comment