Good Pain brought on by Joe.My.God

I try and make it seem like I am fine. I lie. I'm fucked up beyond belief. I used to pay a shrink to listen to this bullshit but all he did was tell me that I need to drink less. I don't drink to forget or hide, I drink to feel better. When I drink, I don't cry. Otherwise, I cry over the obituaries, a movie called "Hearts in Atlantis", anything. I hate crying, it makes me feel weak. I've tried all my life to avoid being weak. I'm crying inside for my friend who won't leave her man because they have kids. I'm crying because I'm obviously addicted to sex. I'm crying because I can't drive evenings or weekends. I'm crying for so many reasons, and less than 2% of them are mine. I care so much about everyone else that I don't even bother to take care of myself. I couldn't give a fuck if you're beating me - if your friend is beating my friend, I'll take up for her/him. I have no self love. I feel so bad for those who have lost loved ones because I know how it is. I love you, I'll do anything for you... then you die. I'm alone. I should be over him because he's a jackass, but I'm not. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY???? It's because I care too much about him. I know he won't find anyone to treat him like I did - with love. NO ONE. He's a player and he attracts players. I don't want him to get hurt like he eventually will. I'm stupid for loving him. In addition to him, I love someone else. Someone who will treat me right, who loves me for real, through all my bullshit, who REALLY loves me. But he's far away. Goddamn it. I'm so tired of everything that it seems like offing myself is the only way to get any peace. But I can't. Too many people would be angry.