Fuck You

I'm in such a foul mood.

I'm tired of people at work doing my job, going over my head and making me look stupid because I have no clue what is going on with a file for the simple fact that they did something without telling me and I had no way of knowing they did it.

I'm tired of being treated like a child.

I'm tired of saving money. I want to spend. I hate starving, I hate not eating lunch, I hate not being able to go out. I have $1,100 on my credit card that I can't spend because I'm going to Florida. They charged me a $37 annual fee just for having the damn thing. I have $50 to last me until the 31st, which would be $4.16 per day. Wonderful.

I'm tired of being married. I want to move on. I want to get this fucking burden off my back and move the fuck on with my life. Lazy Alcoholic Homosexuals do not bid well for my love life. I know SL says he doesn't mind, but it's gotta be something he thinks about every once in awhile. Not just SL, but every single guy I'm with has to think about that. I'm not completely theirs because I'm still married, or maybe that is why none of them will commit - how can they date a married woman? I fucking hate that mother fucker and I hope he is severely injured and has to suffer for the rest of his life, humiliated every time he goes into public, so much so that by the time he is 30 years old he can't even leave the basement because he's so embarassed by his outward appearance. After all, I don't want him dead - that would be too easy. I'd much rather have him suffer forever. Too bad I can't think of a good way to do it. Plus I know I'd be the only suspect, so it's out of the question anyway. Although it wouldn't be too bad if he was dead and I was in prison, at least I'd get three meals a day and probably lose some weight. My mom did say she wouldn't visit me though... well maybe she's still write letters.

That's another thing. I'm tired of being fat. I know it's all my fault and I'm in control blah blah blah but you know what? It's really fucking hard to lose weight. I've battled it all my life, since I was about eight, and I was only semi-thin for a year or so, even then I was still considered overweight. I would exercize but I honestly have no motivation. Everytime I try, something happens. I've been in more car accidents than one could imagine and my body just hurts all the time, people don't understand. I have a crooked spine from getting rear-ended by a semi truck, I have shoulder problems from when I was a diver and both arms popped out of their sockets, I have foot/ankle problems from when 1) I slammed my foot in a door and it cracked all the way through and 2) when I was running and stepped in a hole and shattered my ankle plate thingy and it never healed right. I'm just not a well-put-together person, physically. I remember when I first got married and MMA saw me naked for the first time, he said that he didn't know how to have sex with me because he had never been with a girl "as big as me". Great thing to say on the first night of marriage.

I'm done for now because I don't want to cry.