Last night, I started drinking at 7pm. I watched the Wizard of Oz and cried. Why? I don't know. I've been a very overly emotional person lately. Maybe the Zuey's cry-fest of last Thursday was just a preview of what is to come. Who knows.
I thought about TM a lot last night for some reason, about all the shit we went through, and it hurts so bad to think back and realise that he was probably just using me the entire time. But it felt like he was my best friend... and that is where I get confused. We went through so many really awesome times, like when we would go to karaokes and to the Hunan House, and we went through awful times, like when I tried to kill myself and when his newborn son was in the hospital getting a tracheotomy. And I think of all the lies, which is what hurts the most. Stupid shit that he didn't need to lie about - living in Brooklyn and Y being pregnant with a black man's baby... things that would not have impacted our friendship whether they happened or not, you know? It made no difference to me what color the baby would be, or where TM had lived, or any of that... he just always felt the need to awesome and I think he really has a disease, like compulsive lying or whatever. It's terrible mostly because I know he believes all his lies. I just can't believe that I was stupid enough to believe so many of them. A lot of them I just blew off, like "whatever TM" and moved on. But a lot of them I believed, and they are the ones that hurt. It's amazing this power he has, because I'm not even the only one - he's done this to so many people it's incredible. I should write a book about him. The stupid stripper (the pregnant one) has decided to bail TM out, and I'm very worried that he is going to come after me. I am going next friday to try and get a civil protection order - I hope they give it to me.
I wonder if I will ever find someone to spend my life with. Y has already moved on, she has an awesome guy, JC, that she has been spending time with. I've been surrounded by assholes for the last three years and I want nothing more than a nice guy. I'm very happy for her, don't get me wrong, but that's not to say that I'm not insanely jealous. All my friends are happy and have wonderful significant others to go to with problems, to call up at night and have sweet conversations with, to see on a regular basis, to be held by or to wait for til the next time they can see each other. I have no one. I think I'm an alright girl - I might drink a little too much but I have REALLY cut back - last night was the first night I drank since Sunday, and Sunday I wasn't even drunk. I have a really good job, a nice place, I come from a good background and so on. Is there a sign on me that says, "Stay away from her"? Does it say, "She really wants a good man, so all losers sign up to get fucked"? I'm so tired of being alone.
Work has been okay. I will be moving into my new office next Thursday the 2nd. I'm very excited about it. The other girl who works here, TD, has been a real bitch lately. She has a really bad attitude with me, and all her loans are fucked up and/or dying. And its like she's blaming it on me and constantly telling me I have a bad attitude. I don't know why she's being like this either, I mean we were friends before and now she's just totally anti-me. When LF got fired and I was being a bitch, I constantly apologized because I knew I was stressed out. I think she is stressed out and maybe doesn't realize that she's being such a bitch - and the only reason I am short with her is because she's being a real ass to me! And to top it off, today she went behind my back and had KG, the other new processor, work on one of my loans. I asked her, "Is there a reason why you had KG do that instead of me?" and her answer was, "Why are you getting an attitude?" She didn't give me an explanation or anything, just accused me of having an attitude. I'm fucking sick of people like her. She thinks she is the shit, but she is not, and she demands attention from everyone all the time. It's ridiculous.
I found out this morning that the 10 year old brother of my friend BB died last night, something involving a bridge and swimming. I feel very sad for him especially since his family lives in Oklahoma (that's where his brother lived too.) He isn't at work today, obviously, and I don't know when he's coming back but I miss him already.
Late,
Kel
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