*Sigh*
So I met a boy, KS. He's very wonderful and cute and kinda hairy but its okay. He smacked my ass and it was super. He's russian. I don't even know what to say about him because he is just wonderful... lol, I sound retarded. He met up with me at karaoke last night and it was all good. My tab ended up being about $45. Then we went to Hounddogs (with GG, Moose, Tomcat, and some guy named Lonnie) and that was kinda blah but okay. I was very distressed that it took so long to get my jalepeno poppers. KS and I went back to my place afterward and had some fun times.
Today I went to my parents' house for dinner and there was so much drama with my little brother. SK and his friends decided to get beer from somewhere after I wouldn't buy it for them, and they were dumb enough to stash the empty cans in the basement. *sigh* I don't understand teenage boys. Also he's failing three subjects... I don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated with him for the stupid shit he is doing but at the same time it's like he's young and doesn't know... growl. I can't focus. Too much drama.
I'll write tomorrow.
29 May 2005
A weird thing about high school
...Is that the boys you knew while you were there grow up to be men but they are still the same - only bigger and with jobs or degrees. I gave EJ his blow job last night, finally, jokingly as congratulations for getting his internship to Hawai'i. He kept me up until 6:45am, but it was okay because we actually hung out for almost three hours before I did the deed. I think he liked my nipple piercings. He tried to wear my bra on his head to demonstrate the fact that my one boob was as big as his head, but I told him that it was completely different because boobs are squishy and heads are hard. He disagreed.
I am going to shop today. Maybe get a new phone. Chinese food and karaoke are DEFINITELY part of the plan.
I am going to shop today. Maybe get a new phone. Chinese food and karaoke are DEFINITELY part of the plan.
28 May 2005
Saturday Afternoon
Last night I had the strangest dream. I was downstairs with Y and her 8-month old son. He was trying to walk and stand up, but he couldn’t. Suddenly, he stands straight up and starts running around. Every time he would try to stop and just stand there or slow down and walk, he would fall over. He couldn’t walk or stand but he could run. While we’re watching him do this, Y hears my phone ringing. I run upstairs to answer it but I don’t get there in time. I had missed five calls, four from J*R and one from “private”. I knew the “private” was my friend M (who, in real life, was trying to fly in from Denver this weekend and see me and I was waiting for his call in real life too!) and so I was bummed that I had missed it. I called J*R back and there was no answer. I looked out the window and saw his cousin C driving down the road. I ran out and jumped in the car and followed them. They drove for awhile, and finally stopped at a house in a neighborhood that reminded me of where I lived in Northfield (near Cleveland.) J*R and C got out, and I just waited by the curb. C saw me and said he would send J*R right out to talk to me. I waited and waited and finally went up to the front door to see why he hadn’t come out yet. Some really old white trash looking woman told me he was in the bedroom dying and had no time to talk to me. I pushed my way in and demanded to see him. She pointed towards a room down a short hallway. I walked in and C was in there, and J*R was laying half off the bed, half on the floor. He had a towel on his head and he was wiping his forehead with another wet towel. Every time he would touch the wet towel to his skin it would let off steam, like J*R was so, so hot. I went over to talk to him, and his eyes were so funny looking, I can’t even describe it. They were very dark and glossy looking, but empty, like I could stick my finger into them – like they were holes instead of eyes. He looked up at me and said in a weak voice, “I’m very sick, you should leave, and I don’t want you to catch it.” I told him I would stay and take care of him if he needed me to. He turned his head away and said he didn’t deserve it. It was then that I noticed his skin was leaking green slimy stuff, and there were puddles of it on the floor where his head was laying. I tried to lift him onto the bed, but he was so heavy and lifeless that I could barely move him an inch. Finally he asked me why I had come to see him. I told him it was because he had called me four times and not left a message, which worried me. He smiled a half smile and said I should go, and if he got better, he would send C to come get me and we would get married.
This dream is so weird. I’m not even going to comment on it.
I got a letter from TM this afternoon. I copied it exactly, spelling & grammar errors and all:
Dear Kelly,
I will not act like I didn’t deserve your letter & I won’t act like anything I am about 2 say will change any of how you feel. In fact, I almost don’t think you will read this. You said your peace so I will say mine.
I really am sorry you fell victim 2 what I had become B4 I came here. I was going down hill & fast because that shit was the devil. I will not act as if you weren’t one of the best people I have hung w/ but on the other hand you as the friend you proclaimed 2 be could have tried 2 help w/ that problem 1st. not that I’m putting any blame on you at all don’t get me wrong, that shit was my downfall & I can see that now & I see the things I did. I am sober now & intend 2 stay that way. When I leave here I’m going 2 seek a lot of help 2 make sure I don’t turn back into that person. I know I have hurt you but if you can one day find it in you 2 talk I would like 2 tell you some of these things face 2 face. I’m glad 2 here things are going well 4 you @ work that’s great.
You know I can’t say things are bad for me here I got a job here (not that it pays) & I have learned a lot. I’m no longer the angry person that I once was. I am almost respectfull so 2 speak that I am here because it may have saved my life. Now is a time for me 2 reconstruct Tony from the inside out.
I think I’m well on my way 2 recovery just in what I have worked on here but I will not stop here when I get out I will find the places I need 2 be 2 work on me & one day I may be back to Tony of ‘99’ the nice guy. There is no one out there that can condem or persecute me more than I already do & I’m finally getting back 2 Tony on account of it so I don’t regret the trip here I do regret the last few months I was out though. I will be back 2 me soon.
I’m sorry to hear about you & Scott I know you really like him. I hope things work out for the best you need a good guy around & if he is who you choose I’m sure there is a reason.
Well its late so I must bring this to an end. Do not worry 4 I am not mad at you or her & intend to cause harm to anymore. I have been a terrible person & I will not deny that but I am also a changing person I don’t know how yet but one day when you least expect you will see what I mean. I’m not longer the ball of hate that I had become 4 what its worth, not much I’m sure. I’m sorry for what I was & I hope 2 one day make up the things I have done 2 the specs of light that I had in an otherwise tainted world. I wish you the best of luck & I know it doesn’t mean much 2 you but I will pray 4 you & Scott. Feel free 2 write and tell me your thoughts on this letter. Take care of yourself, “Bell” & good luck w/everything.
Love,
Tony M*****
PS- 4 what its worth I love you guys & please hug & kiss my kids 4 me I miss them terribly. I think I need them more than they need me. W/deepest regret goodbye “friend”
I just don’t know what to say now. He seems sincere, but I don’t know. He’s lied in the past so much that I don’t know if being in prison is really enough to make him change. I would appreciate comments back on this, please post below.
This dream is so weird. I’m not even going to comment on it.
I got a letter from TM this afternoon. I copied it exactly, spelling & grammar errors and all:
Dear Kelly,
I will not act like I didn’t deserve your letter & I won’t act like anything I am about 2 say will change any of how you feel. In fact, I almost don’t think you will read this. You said your peace so I will say mine.
I really am sorry you fell victim 2 what I had become B4 I came here. I was going down hill & fast because that shit was the devil. I will not act as if you weren’t one of the best people I have hung w/ but on the other hand you as the friend you proclaimed 2 be could have tried 2 help w/ that problem 1st. not that I’m putting any blame on you at all don’t get me wrong, that shit was my downfall & I can see that now & I see the things I did. I am sober now & intend 2 stay that way. When I leave here I’m going 2 seek a lot of help 2 make sure I don’t turn back into that person. I know I have hurt you but if you can one day find it in you 2 talk I would like 2 tell you some of these things face 2 face. I’m glad 2 here things are going well 4 you @ work that’s great.
You know I can’t say things are bad for me here I got a job here (not that it pays) & I have learned a lot. I’m no longer the angry person that I once was. I am almost respectfull so 2 speak that I am here because it may have saved my life. Now is a time for me 2 reconstruct Tony from the inside out.
I think I’m well on my way 2 recovery just in what I have worked on here but I will not stop here when I get out I will find the places I need 2 be 2 work on me & one day I may be back to Tony of ‘99’ the nice guy. There is no one out there that can condem or persecute me more than I already do & I’m finally getting back 2 Tony on account of it so I don’t regret the trip here I do regret the last few months I was out though. I will be back 2 me soon.
I’m sorry to hear about you & Scott I know you really like him. I hope things work out for the best you need a good guy around & if he is who you choose I’m sure there is a reason.
Well its late so I must bring this to an end. Do not worry 4 I am not mad at you or her & intend to cause harm to anymore. I have been a terrible person & I will not deny that but I am also a changing person I don’t know how yet but one day when you least expect you will see what I mean. I’m not longer the ball of hate that I had become 4 what its worth, not much I’m sure. I’m sorry for what I was & I hope 2 one day make up the things I have done 2 the specs of light that I had in an otherwise tainted world. I wish you the best of luck & I know it doesn’t mean much 2 you but I will pray 4 you & Scott. Feel free 2 write and tell me your thoughts on this letter. Take care of yourself, “Bell” & good luck w/everything.
Love,
Tony M*****
PS- 4 what its worth I love you guys & please hug & kiss my kids 4 me I miss them terribly. I think I need them more than they need me. W/deepest regret goodbye “friend”
I just don’t know what to say now. He seems sincere, but I don’t know. He’s lied in the past so much that I don’t know if being in prison is really enough to make him change. I would appreciate comments back on this, please post below.
27 May 2005
Who believes in the shot fairy?!
I do! I do!
Oh my god kids I was so trashed last night and I only spent $17.00.
I bought several beers at Zuey's, and some old guys bought me one also. I think I had a total of maybe 8 beers by the time I left and went over to Eldo's for karaoke. Now, 8 beers is nothing for me, as you all should know by now. The thing is, the shot fairy kept visiting me while I wasn't looking and I would no sooner finish a shot then another one would appear! For Free! It was awesome yet terrible because I got TRASHED.
Drove over to Eldo's where I bought a Miller Lite but I don't think I drank much of it because some chick gave me a shot of something that tasted like tequila and brandy mixed together and her brother's phone number. I did sing, and apparently I sang well, although I don't particularly remember it. Moose offered to take me home and let me crash at his place because I was in no condition to drive. So we took GG home and then Moose and I went to Hounddogs for pizza so I could sober up a little bit and because he was hungry. We went there and got a house white pizza, I made the mistake of putting a whole packet of red pepper on my slice, not realising that when you're drunk, your tastebuds are more sensitive. I was almost screaming in pain. These weird kids came in and I told the one kid he looked like a horse. He thought it was funny. Then we were just yelling Napoleon Dynamite quotes back and forth. That was hilarious. I told him to go eat his ham. After we ate, I felt a lot better so Moose took me back to my car. He followed me home to make sure I was okay. I wasn't drunk anymore, just incredibly sleepy. Moose is my hero for taking care of me!
Click here for the magic of Napoleon Dynamite!
Oh my god kids I was so trashed last night and I only spent $17.00.
I bought several beers at Zuey's, and some old guys bought me one also. I think I had a total of maybe 8 beers by the time I left and went over to Eldo's for karaoke. Now, 8 beers is nothing for me, as you all should know by now. The thing is, the shot fairy kept visiting me while I wasn't looking and I would no sooner finish a shot then another one would appear! For Free! It was awesome yet terrible because I got TRASHED.
Drove over to Eldo's where I bought a Miller Lite but I don't think I drank much of it because some chick gave me a shot of something that tasted like tequila and brandy mixed together and her brother's phone number. I did sing, and apparently I sang well, although I don't particularly remember it. Moose offered to take me home and let me crash at his place because I was in no condition to drive. So we took GG home and then Moose and I went to Hounddogs for pizza so I could sober up a little bit and because he was hungry. We went there and got a house white pizza, I made the mistake of putting a whole packet of red pepper on my slice, not realising that when you're drunk, your tastebuds are more sensitive. I was almost screaming in pain. These weird kids came in and I told the one kid he looked like a horse. He thought it was funny. Then we were just yelling Napoleon Dynamite quotes back and forth. That was hilarious. I told him to go eat his ham. After we ate, I felt a lot better so Moose took me back to my car. He followed me home to make sure I was okay. I wasn't drunk anymore, just incredibly sleepy. Moose is my hero for taking care of me!
Click here for the magic of Napoleon Dynamite!
26 May 2005
You're out of the woods, you're out of the dark, you're out of the night...
Last night, I started drinking at 7pm. I watched the Wizard of Oz and cried. Why? I don't know. I've been a very overly emotional person lately. Maybe the Zuey's cry-fest of last Thursday was just a preview of what is to come. Who knows.
I thought about TM a lot last night for some reason, about all the shit we went through, and it hurts so bad to think back and realise that he was probably just using me the entire time. But it felt like he was my best friend... and that is where I get confused. We went through so many really awesome times, like when we would go to karaokes and to the Hunan House, and we went through awful times, like when I tried to kill myself and when his newborn son was in the hospital getting a tracheotomy. And I think of all the lies, which is what hurts the most. Stupid shit that he didn't need to lie about - living in Brooklyn and Y being pregnant with a black man's baby... things that would not have impacted our friendship whether they happened or not, you know? It made no difference to me what color the baby would be, or where TM had lived, or any of that... he just always felt the need to awesome and I think he really has a disease, like compulsive lying or whatever. It's terrible mostly because I know he believes all his lies. I just can't believe that I was stupid enough to believe so many of them. A lot of them I just blew off, like "whatever TM" and moved on. But a lot of them I believed, and they are the ones that hurt. It's amazing this power he has, because I'm not even the only one - he's done this to so many people it's incredible. I should write a book about him. The stupid stripper (the pregnant one) has decided to bail TM out, and I'm very worried that he is going to come after me. I am going next friday to try and get a civil protection order - I hope they give it to me.
I wonder if I will ever find someone to spend my life with. Y has already moved on, she has an awesome guy, JC, that she has been spending time with. I've been surrounded by assholes for the last three years and I want nothing more than a nice guy. I'm very happy for her, don't get me wrong, but that's not to say that I'm not insanely jealous. All my friends are happy and have wonderful significant others to go to with problems, to call up at night and have sweet conversations with, to see on a regular basis, to be held by or to wait for til the next time they can see each other. I have no one. I think I'm an alright girl - I might drink a little too much but I have REALLY cut back - last night was the first night I drank since Sunday, and Sunday I wasn't even drunk. I have a really good job, a nice place, I come from a good background and so on. Is there a sign on me that says, "Stay away from her"? Does it say, "She really wants a good man, so all losers sign up to get fucked"? I'm so tired of being alone.
Work has been okay. I will be moving into my new office next Thursday the 2nd. I'm very excited about it. The other girl who works here, TD, has been a real bitch lately. She has a really bad attitude with me, and all her loans are fucked up and/or dying. And its like she's blaming it on me and constantly telling me I have a bad attitude. I don't know why she's being like this either, I mean we were friends before and now she's just totally anti-me. When LF got fired and I was being a bitch, I constantly apologized because I knew I was stressed out. I think she is stressed out and maybe doesn't realize that she's being such a bitch - and the only reason I am short with her is because she's being a real ass to me! And to top it off, today she went behind my back and had KG, the other new processor, work on one of my loans. I asked her, "Is there a reason why you had KG do that instead of me?" and her answer was, "Why are you getting an attitude?" She didn't give me an explanation or anything, just accused me of having an attitude. I'm fucking sick of people like her. She thinks she is the shit, but she is not, and she demands attention from everyone all the time. It's ridiculous.
I found out this morning that the 10 year old brother of my friend BB died last night, something involving a bridge and swimming. I feel very sad for him especially since his family lives in Oklahoma (that's where his brother lived too.) He isn't at work today, obviously, and I don't know when he's coming back but I miss him already.
Late,
Kel
I thought about TM a lot last night for some reason, about all the shit we went through, and it hurts so bad to think back and realise that he was probably just using me the entire time. But it felt like he was my best friend... and that is where I get confused. We went through so many really awesome times, like when we would go to karaokes and to the Hunan House, and we went through awful times, like when I tried to kill myself and when his newborn son was in the hospital getting a tracheotomy. And I think of all the lies, which is what hurts the most. Stupid shit that he didn't need to lie about - living in Brooklyn and Y being pregnant with a black man's baby... things that would not have impacted our friendship whether they happened or not, you know? It made no difference to me what color the baby would be, or where TM had lived, or any of that... he just always felt the need to awesome and I think he really has a disease, like compulsive lying or whatever. It's terrible mostly because I know he believes all his lies. I just can't believe that I was stupid enough to believe so many of them. A lot of them I just blew off, like "whatever TM" and moved on. But a lot of them I believed, and they are the ones that hurt. It's amazing this power he has, because I'm not even the only one - he's done this to so many people it's incredible. I should write a book about him. The stupid stripper (the pregnant one) has decided to bail TM out, and I'm very worried that he is going to come after me. I am going next friday to try and get a civil protection order - I hope they give it to me.
I wonder if I will ever find someone to spend my life with. Y has already moved on, she has an awesome guy, JC, that she has been spending time with. I've been surrounded by assholes for the last three years and I want nothing more than a nice guy. I'm very happy for her, don't get me wrong, but that's not to say that I'm not insanely jealous. All my friends are happy and have wonderful significant others to go to with problems, to call up at night and have sweet conversations with, to see on a regular basis, to be held by or to wait for til the next time they can see each other. I have no one. I think I'm an alright girl - I might drink a little too much but I have REALLY cut back - last night was the first night I drank since Sunday, and Sunday I wasn't even drunk. I have a really good job, a nice place, I come from a good background and so on. Is there a sign on me that says, "Stay away from her"? Does it say, "She really wants a good man, so all losers sign up to get fucked"? I'm so tired of being alone.
Work has been okay. I will be moving into my new office next Thursday the 2nd. I'm very excited about it. The other girl who works here, TD, has been a real bitch lately. She has a really bad attitude with me, and all her loans are fucked up and/or dying. And its like she's blaming it on me and constantly telling me I have a bad attitude. I don't know why she's being like this either, I mean we were friends before and now she's just totally anti-me. When LF got fired and I was being a bitch, I constantly apologized because I knew I was stressed out. I think she is stressed out and maybe doesn't realize that she's being such a bitch - and the only reason I am short with her is because she's being a real ass to me! And to top it off, today she went behind my back and had KG, the other new processor, work on one of my loans. I asked her, "Is there a reason why you had KG do that instead of me?" and her answer was, "Why are you getting an attitude?" She didn't give me an explanation or anything, just accused me of having an attitude. I'm fucking sick of people like her. She thinks she is the shit, but she is not, and she demands attention from everyone all the time. It's ridiculous.
I found out this morning that the 10 year old brother of my friend BB died last night, something involving a bridge and swimming. I feel very sad for him especially since his family lives in Oklahoma (that's where his brother lived too.) He isn't at work today, obviously, and I don't know when he's coming back but I miss him already.
Late,
Kel
25 May 2005
Strange Dream 2
Well I had a strange dream last night.
TM and I were chillin' in my house, like in the old days. DJ M and some chick he was dating (who wasn't from real life) were there with us, and we were all just hanging out and talking and shit. DJ M and I decided to go have a private conversation in another room, and when we came back TM and the chick were making out on the couch. TM had her convinced that he was descended from royalty and she fell madly in love with him instantly. So DJ M and I made up our minds to go on a bus trip to Massachusettes for some Harry Potter convention. I don't know what that was all about, but it seemed like the best idea for us at the time. We hopped a bus and rode and rode and rode for hours until we had to switch busses at a very large station where the busses turned into airplanes. We got off the bus and he went to get some food while I just wandered around. I went over to where I saw some nice looking older ladies decked out in Harry Potter gear smoking cigarettes. I asked one if I could get a smoke from her and she yelled at me that cigarettes were more important than her insulin so no, I could not have a cigarette. I wandered around some more, trying to find a place to buy cigarettes, and I couldn't. I really wanted to buy them before we got to Massachusettes because I knew they were very expensive out there. Then suddenly it was time for me to board the bus-plane. I got on, and looked all around for DJ M. He was nowhere to be found! In his seat though, sat someone I knew - Moose! He said he had run into DJ M in the food court and DJ M came to the conclusion that it was a better idea to go back to my house and kill TM than to go to Massachusettes with me. I concurred. The bus-plane started to take off, and I was not strapped in. I fell out of my seat and out the door, and had to hang onto the edge all the way through the air to the next bus-plane airport. When we landed I was covered head to toe in bugs and trash. This guy put me on a dolly and wheeled me into a room where I was blasted with hot air that smelled like strawberries, to get all the crap off me. After that was done I was totally completely clean. I started walking away from the bus-plane airport down a very pretty sidewalk, and ended up in some suburb where I remembered that I was supposed to wait for Moose. I tried to go back, but I couldn't figure out how. I finally saw a convenient store, and since I hadn't smoked a cigarette in what seemed like days, I went in to buy a pack. They were $5.07, and I just happened to have $6.08. I was left with $1.01, which amused the clerk. I asked him how he expected me to get back to Ohio with $1.01 and he said, "Didn't you know - once you come to Massachusettes, you can never leave?"
Then I woke up. For some reason I woke up thinking about SB. I wish I could get him and his brother out of my head. I just can't do it. Today will be an okay day though.
TM and I were chillin' in my house, like in the old days. DJ M and some chick he was dating (who wasn't from real life) were there with us, and we were all just hanging out and talking and shit. DJ M and I decided to go have a private conversation in another room, and when we came back TM and the chick were making out on the couch. TM had her convinced that he was descended from royalty and she fell madly in love with him instantly. So DJ M and I made up our minds to go on a bus trip to Massachusettes for some Harry Potter convention. I don't know what that was all about, but it seemed like the best idea for us at the time. We hopped a bus and rode and rode and rode for hours until we had to switch busses at a very large station where the busses turned into airplanes. We got off the bus and he went to get some food while I just wandered around. I went over to where I saw some nice looking older ladies decked out in Harry Potter gear smoking cigarettes. I asked one if I could get a smoke from her and she yelled at me that cigarettes were more important than her insulin so no, I could not have a cigarette. I wandered around some more, trying to find a place to buy cigarettes, and I couldn't. I really wanted to buy them before we got to Massachusettes because I knew they were very expensive out there. Then suddenly it was time for me to board the bus-plane. I got on, and looked all around for DJ M. He was nowhere to be found! In his seat though, sat someone I knew - Moose! He said he had run into DJ M in the food court and DJ M came to the conclusion that it was a better idea to go back to my house and kill TM than to go to Massachusettes with me. I concurred. The bus-plane started to take off, and I was not strapped in. I fell out of my seat and out the door, and had to hang onto the edge all the way through the air to the next bus-plane airport. When we landed I was covered head to toe in bugs and trash. This guy put me on a dolly and wheeled me into a room where I was blasted with hot air that smelled like strawberries, to get all the crap off me. After that was done I was totally completely clean. I started walking away from the bus-plane airport down a very pretty sidewalk, and ended up in some suburb where I remembered that I was supposed to wait for Moose. I tried to go back, but I couldn't figure out how. I finally saw a convenient store, and since I hadn't smoked a cigarette in what seemed like days, I went in to buy a pack. They were $5.07, and I just happened to have $6.08. I was left with $1.01, which amused the clerk. I asked him how he expected me to get back to Ohio with $1.01 and he said, "Didn't you know - once you come to Massachusettes, you can never leave?"
Then I woke up. For some reason I woke up thinking about SB. I wish I could get him and his brother out of my head. I just can't do it. Today will be an okay day though.
24 May 2005
The Letter
The following is a letter from me to TM, who is currently serving 18 months for a felony of domestic violence:
My dearest Tony,
I hope you are enjoying your vacation - You certainly deserve it! I'm sure the lodging and other accomodations are 5 star, to say the least. And I can't imagine how many great new friends you must be making. It's a good thing you're making new friends, too, because nobody out here in the free world is interested in being friends with you any more... Well, that dumb stripper, Janie, claims that you two are engaged, but she's the only one interested in you. Even Karly doesn't want to talk to you. In fact, the only person expressing any remorse was Glen, and I think he was just being nice.
I wanted to thank you for getting me addicted to cocaine and almost ruining my life. Also for lying to me about the following things:
1) You've never been to Brooklyn, let alone lived there.
2) You're not even Italian (we checked!)
3) You never spent 3 years in prison at once, especially not for murder.
4) There was never any doubt as to who Mason's father was.
5) You and Yolanda were never divorced and just living together "for the kids."
Of course, on some level I do blame myself for trusting, believing, and loving you, even though your story didn't always make sense. I never would have slept with you if I knew you were married. I would have tried to keep you from other chicks - or helped you work on your marriage. That's what friends do. You've made it so obvious that you never loved me, as a friend or otherwise. It hurts so much to think that for the last three years I have been nothing but used - by Matt, by Tony, and by you especially. I almost hate you worse than Matt because at least he and I fought - you were always great, always there for me. Well, until I wised up and caught onto your lies, one by one.
The lies still baffle me. I don't believe anything about you anymore, except for what I've seen. What I've seen is pretty cut and dry too - I've seen you beat a kid up in Hounddog's parking lot 5 years ago (the only real fight I've ever seen you in!), I've seen you blown down an 8-ball of cocaine alone, I've seen you be a little too rough with your kids (for my taste), I've seen you abandon your family to drink and do drugs... That's all I can think of right now.
So I know you must be dying to hear about what is going on in MY life! Well, let's see. The day you went to jail, Lani finally got fired. At the end of this month I am getting my own office. The same week you got locked up, I met Scott's brother and we started kinda dating. I messed it up though, so badly, by getting drunk and overly bitter about Scott. Imagine that! I've fucked a few random guys since then, including having a great threesome with two of "Eminem's" friends. That was interesting... Of course he wasn't involved because he can't hardly ever get it up! Haha! Although the last few time I was with him were pretty wonderful. I love having sex with men - Don't you? I'm sure a cute little thing like yourself has had no problem becoming someone's "special friend."
You know Tony, I really did love you - more than I ever loved a friend and more than I ever even loved my ex-husband. You could have had it all - I'm not talking about a relationship between us - I'm talking about a life - I got you that job at AFLAC, I helped you with stuff for your kids... and in return I was lied to, stolen from, and hurt.
One last thing - I've made a really good friend lately - her name's Yolanda.
Love,
Kelly
My dearest Tony,
I hope you are enjoying your vacation - You certainly deserve it! I'm sure the lodging and other accomodations are 5 star, to say the least. And I can't imagine how many great new friends you must be making. It's a good thing you're making new friends, too, because nobody out here in the free world is interested in being friends with you any more... Well, that dumb stripper, Janie, claims that you two are engaged, but she's the only one interested in you. Even Karly doesn't want to talk to you. In fact, the only person expressing any remorse was Glen, and I think he was just being nice.
I wanted to thank you for getting me addicted to cocaine and almost ruining my life. Also for lying to me about the following things:
1) You've never been to Brooklyn, let alone lived there.
2) You're not even Italian (we checked!)
3) You never spent 3 years in prison at once, especially not for murder.
4) There was never any doubt as to who Mason's father was.
5) You and Yolanda were never divorced and just living together "for the kids."
Of course, on some level I do blame myself for trusting, believing, and loving you, even though your story didn't always make sense. I never would have slept with you if I knew you were married. I would have tried to keep you from other chicks - or helped you work on your marriage. That's what friends do. You've made it so obvious that you never loved me, as a friend or otherwise. It hurts so much to think that for the last three years I have been nothing but used - by Matt, by Tony, and by you especially. I almost hate you worse than Matt because at least he and I fought - you were always great, always there for me. Well, until I wised up and caught onto your lies, one by one.
The lies still baffle me. I don't believe anything about you anymore, except for what I've seen. What I've seen is pretty cut and dry too - I've seen you beat a kid up in Hounddog's parking lot 5 years ago (the only real fight I've ever seen you in!), I've seen you blown down an 8-ball of cocaine alone, I've seen you be a little too rough with your kids (for my taste), I've seen you abandon your family to drink and do drugs... That's all I can think of right now.
So I know you must be dying to hear about what is going on in MY life! Well, let's see. The day you went to jail, Lani finally got fired. At the end of this month I am getting my own office. The same week you got locked up, I met Scott's brother and we started kinda dating. I messed it up though, so badly, by getting drunk and overly bitter about Scott. Imagine that! I've fucked a few random guys since then, including having a great threesome with two of "Eminem's" friends. That was interesting... Of course he wasn't involved because he can't hardly ever get it up! Haha! Although the last few time I was with him were pretty wonderful. I love having sex with men - Don't you? I'm sure a cute little thing like yourself has had no problem becoming someone's "special friend."
You know Tony, I really did love you - more than I ever loved a friend and more than I ever even loved my ex-husband. You could have had it all - I'm not talking about a relationship between us - I'm talking about a life - I got you that job at AFLAC, I helped you with stuff for your kids... and in return I was lied to, stolen from, and hurt.
One last thing - I've made a really good friend lately - her name's Yolanda.
Love,
Kelly
Well, 42.
Bronchitis can suck my ass. I have the wonderful great Z-Pak (If the chlam. wasn't dead back then, it sure is now!) and also a handy dandy inhaler. Fuck it. I have two cigs left since Sunday night and I think I might just quit. Skipper-do. Not going to Zuey's this week, too embarassed from Thursday, not to mention the COMPLETE lack of funds. Yup. I do not rule this week. Doc was forty-two, so I'm thinking of finding three more guys and making it an even forty-five. My mother would be proud.
Update:
33. Mike the DJ not from Dockside (he's actually more like #24 but I forgot him in the last listing!)
34. Jon
35. Glen
36. Chris S
37. Tom
38. Nathon
39. Z.
40. Rhett
41. Doc
Update:
33. Mike the DJ not from Dockside (he's actually more like #24 but I forgot him in the last listing!)
34. Jon
35. Glen
36. Chris S
37. Tom
38. Nathon
39. Z.
40. Rhett
41. Doc
23 May 2005
I wasn't supposed to but I did...
Friday: J*R calls me up wanting a piece of ass. I tell him he's nuts. Drive way out to BFE by the juvenille correction facility on the river to his cousin's house. Tell J*R that I must be secretly in love with him to drive way out there, have him not answer, drive home, and then drive all the way back out there again. I used up 1/4 tank of gas! He says he's happy I'm here. I punch him in the arm until I'm satisfied. Hang out with his friends/cousin, learn how to play horsehoes (I'm very bad) and do a couple lines. Have two beers. Try and have sex with J*R in a bathroom that is 3'x3' (ok, maybe 4'x4') and it doesn't work. Question him as to why we never have sex like normal people, always in a hallway or bathroom or on a couch or whatever. He says he doesn't know. I suggest coming home with me so we can actually get something accomplished. We leave. On the way home I smell apples. It's J*R's chewing tobacco. I think that's clever but still yucky. J*R likes to hold my hand while I'm driving. Come home, I'm so proud of him because he actually gets it up and keeps it up. I like that, he's quite long when he's not all blown out. I experience my fourth orgasm ever in my life from oral sex and that makes me happy as well. J*R must have been practicing or something because I think it may have been the best sex J*R and I have ever had. Yay for J*R getting it up and being a good licker! Now I just have to work on him not talking so much. A girl can only answer the question, "You like that cock?" so many times in one night. I took him home in the morning and he left his dip in my car so now it smells like apples. Not a bad smell, just odd.
Saturday: Laid around the house all day long. Literally did nothing. Showered and watched some TV at night, drank several beers, went to bed.
Sunday: Y gave me some cash that she owed me, so I went to Meijer and I bought a grill, a birdfeeder (and food) and some weed killer ($60.) My patio is frickin' sweet man but it's overgrown with weeds and that sucks. I actually woke up at around 9am on Sunday, I was confused. After being so motivated so early in the morning, I was tired so I watched some Lifetime Movies and put the grill together. Very difficult to attach a lid to a bottom that is on wheels. Still not sure how I accomplished that one. Napped a little, and then decided I needed to go shopping. Went to AutoZone and finally bought washer fluid and gas enhancing crap ($4.) Decided to go to the mall. I hate all malls, but I especially hate Polaris Fashion Place (not Polaris Mall, Polaris FASHION PLACE.) Went to the Lane Bryant and tried on some cool shit, ended up buying two bras which I desperately needed (I even bought a pink one, how groovy) and a pair of cropped brown pants and a tangerine colored sleeveless blouse ($117.) I was very happy because I have gone down one size in regular fitted pants. Go me, I rule. Later on went to Eldo's for karaoke, The Big Dicked Indian was there with his drunken girlfriend who hates my great t-shirts, M0053 was there (haha, you like that Gina?) and of course GG and Doc and a couple of other folks. I sang so awesomely, I was very proud of myself, especially because my lungs and sinuses were both congested. Talked to Doc for a little bit and he decided that he needed to come home with me. We didn't plan on having sex, just sleeping together because we are both tired of sleeping alone. He followed me home and I was thrilled because I have always been really attracted to Doc, even though he is 17 years older than me. But he's like, this great cute Italian with curly hair and one gold earring and he's not fat but not skinny he's just perfect looking. Haha, that sounded like a little girl. Oh well. We came home and went to sleep, and he was fondling me and stuff but we didn't have sex... Until six o'clock this morning when he woke me up in that special way and I was like "oh, hey now" and it was funny because I was dreaming that I was a famous Italian painter and he was an opera singer (which he has trained in opera before) and we were making love in a studio amidst paintings and drawings and flowing sheets and romantic movie-ish crap like that... I opened my eyes and all I could see was his curly hair in front of me and the blanket over us, so I closed my eyes again and kept thinking about the whole studio thing. It was lame, I know, but I never have fantasies so I think I'm entitled to one once in a while. I laughed at myself when we were done though, for thinking that way. He left this morning around 8:45am, and I called off sick because I woke up not being able to breathe. I want to go back to sleep but if I lay down my lungs get clogged and then I'm just choking instead of resting. Hopefully my doctor will give me some medication this afternoon.
Til next time,
Kel
PS - For references to my little dream-sex-fantasy, see the movie, "Artemisia" about a 17 yr old girl who is a great painter in the 1600's and she falls in love with a 40-something year old guy who is also a great painter and then they are persecuted for their love. It's based on a true story!
Saturday: Laid around the house all day long. Literally did nothing. Showered and watched some TV at night, drank several beers, went to bed.
Sunday: Y gave me some cash that she owed me, so I went to Meijer and I bought a grill, a birdfeeder (and food) and some weed killer ($60.) My patio is frickin' sweet man but it's overgrown with weeds and that sucks. I actually woke up at around 9am on Sunday, I was confused. After being so motivated so early in the morning, I was tired so I watched some Lifetime Movies and put the grill together. Very difficult to attach a lid to a bottom that is on wheels. Still not sure how I accomplished that one. Napped a little, and then decided I needed to go shopping. Went to AutoZone and finally bought washer fluid and gas enhancing crap ($4.) Decided to go to the mall. I hate all malls, but I especially hate Polaris Fashion Place (not Polaris Mall, Polaris FASHION PLACE.) Went to the Lane Bryant and tried on some cool shit, ended up buying two bras which I desperately needed (I even bought a pink one, how groovy) and a pair of cropped brown pants and a tangerine colored sleeveless blouse ($117.) I was very happy because I have gone down one size in regular fitted pants. Go me, I rule. Later on went to Eldo's for karaoke, The Big Dicked Indian was there with his drunken girlfriend who hates my great t-shirts, M0053 was there (haha, you like that Gina?) and of course GG and Doc and a couple of other folks. I sang so awesomely, I was very proud of myself, especially because my lungs and sinuses were both congested. Talked to Doc for a little bit and he decided that he needed to come home with me. We didn't plan on having sex, just sleeping together because we are both tired of sleeping alone. He followed me home and I was thrilled because I have always been really attracted to Doc, even though he is 17 years older than me. But he's like, this great cute Italian with curly hair and one gold earring and he's not fat but not skinny he's just perfect looking. Haha, that sounded like a little girl. Oh well. We came home and went to sleep, and he was fondling me and stuff but we didn't have sex... Until six o'clock this morning when he woke me up in that special way and I was like "oh, hey now" and it was funny because I was dreaming that I was a famous Italian painter and he was an opera singer (which he has trained in opera before) and we were making love in a studio amidst paintings and drawings and flowing sheets and romantic movie-ish crap like that... I opened my eyes and all I could see was his curly hair in front of me and the blanket over us, so I closed my eyes again and kept thinking about the whole studio thing. It was lame, I know, but I never have fantasies so I think I'm entitled to one once in a while. I laughed at myself when we were done though, for thinking that way. He left this morning around 8:45am, and I called off sick because I woke up not being able to breathe. I want to go back to sleep but if I lay down my lungs get clogged and then I'm just choking instead of resting. Hopefully my doctor will give me some medication this afternoon.
Til next time,
Kel
PS - For references to my little dream-sex-fantasy, see the movie, "Artemisia" about a 17 yr old girl who is a great painter in the 1600's and she falls in love with a 40-something year old guy who is also a great painter and then they are persecuted for their love. It's based on a true story!
20 May 2005
Sublime
The sublime (from the Latin sublimis (exalted)), refers in aesthetics to the quality of transcendent greatness, whether physical, moral, intellectual or artistic. The term especially references a greatness with which nothing else can be compared and which is beyond all possibility of calculation or measurement.
Sublime was a garage punk band from Long Beach, California, playing a mix of reggae and dub, ska, punk, and hip hop. The band consisted of three members: Brad Nowell (vocals and guitar), Bud Gaugh (drums), and Eric Wilson (bass guitar).
From 1988 through the early 1990s, Sublime toured heavily throughout southern California and garnered a substantial following of surfers and skater punks. The band sold their initial recordings at live shows—including the album 40 Oz. to Freedom—but eventually the song "Date Rape" made its way onto the playlist of Los Angeles radio station KROQ. This airplay caught the attention of MCA, which signed Sublime to record Robbin' the Hood in 1994. The album became a college radio favorite, and prompted a second major label studio effort for the band.
For some reason Sublime makes me think of SB. It is very irritating because I love Sublime. SB was at the Zue last night. I did not acknowledge his prescence at all. Fuck SB. I walked right past him and didn't even say a word. Z was there with some friends of his. I like him. He is a very nice guy. Then M**cus came in a started talking shit to me about last Friday when CCC and I were in there. He said I was talking smack and trying to start drama. I was already having a bad day and his dumb fucking mouth just made it worse. I told him to go fuck himself and left the bar to go to Eldo's. GG was there and they had karaoke so it wasn't too bad. DR showed up and we made plans for a date tonight. Somehow my tits were more gigantic than usual because my buttons kept opening. Moose found that hilarious. DR bought me a pitcher of Bud Light. I was like, "You know I just want someone to buy me one little draught beer for $1.50!" So he bought me a whole pitcher. I was so emotional that the fucking whisky and beer hit me hard. I went back to Zuey's in the hopes that M**cus would be gone and he was, but Keith was there and he wasn't being very nice and made me cry. I was crying into Mc's shoulder and being very sorry for talking to his lame friend (I told his friend that all Irish guy's had whisky dick when they were drunk because he was irritating the fuck out of me.) He bought me a shot (something Irish sounding but its Bailey's and Jameson mixed) which I thought was awfully nice. I ordered a beer but I couldn't drink it because I was crying too much. I felt like a big loser but I had dealt with so many bigger losers this last two weeks it was like I just couldn't stand it any more. I knew a big cry fest was coming up because I've been very emotional lately and on the verge of tears for almost two weeks. Oh well. Luckily nobody was really there since it was so late so I'm not terribly embarassed, but still. I don't want to be that fucking psycho chick who cries in the bar. Seriously. Oh well, oh well. I give up truly. I think from now on I'm going to stay home and do nothing. I have $20 in my bank account and I have to make it last until the 31st. I can't afford to be drinking the way I have been this time around. Also, I have been told a lot lately that I'm terribly obnoxious that hurts. I know I'm loud when I drink but I never thought of myself as obnoxious. Apparently I am quite. I don't know, these people are just assholes. I should start going to Noodles instead of Zuey's. I'm just tired of the whole crowd there. Too often I'm hurt when I leave or upset or offended. And drunk. I don't want to get a DUI - 30 days in jail will kill my career and my life. And if I killed someone it would be even worse. If I killed myself only well then whatever it's my own fucking fault for being a dumbass driving drunk. I'm worried about everyone else, just like always. How many times have I sat and paid for someone to get ripped with me? How many times have I thrown n all the cash for a teen and blow down with everyone and they don't even offer to thrown in a single buck or buy the beer or anything? I always do do do for others and no one ever does for me. Well I shouldn't say never - GG buys me a drink here and there, so does TG, and the guys from work buy me lunch sometimes and little things like that. I just feel completely used by so many others that its almost like the little things that I appreciate (I really do) just don't matter that much (even tho I do appreciate them.) People are just fucking dumb. I need to move away to somewhere that nobody knows me, where I can start fresh and not even think about anyone else. Maybe I will sign my apartment over to Yo and move to Arizona with my next paycheck.
Sublime was a garage punk band from Long Beach, California, playing a mix of reggae and dub, ska, punk, and hip hop. The band consisted of three members: Brad Nowell (vocals and guitar), Bud Gaugh (drums), and Eric Wilson (bass guitar).
From 1988 through the early 1990s, Sublime toured heavily throughout southern California and garnered a substantial following of surfers and skater punks. The band sold their initial recordings at live shows—including the album 40 Oz. to Freedom—but eventually the song "Date Rape" made its way onto the playlist of Los Angeles radio station KROQ. This airplay caught the attention of MCA, which signed Sublime to record Robbin' the Hood in 1994. The album became a college radio favorite, and prompted a second major label studio effort for the band.
For some reason Sublime makes me think of SB. It is very irritating because I love Sublime. SB was at the Zue last night. I did not acknowledge his prescence at all. Fuck SB. I walked right past him and didn't even say a word. Z was there with some friends of his. I like him. He is a very nice guy. Then M**cus came in a started talking shit to me about last Friday when CCC and I were in there. He said I was talking smack and trying to start drama. I was already having a bad day and his dumb fucking mouth just made it worse. I told him to go fuck himself and left the bar to go to Eldo's. GG was there and they had karaoke so it wasn't too bad. DR showed up and we made plans for a date tonight. Somehow my tits were more gigantic than usual because my buttons kept opening. Moose found that hilarious. DR bought me a pitcher of Bud Light. I was like, "You know I just want someone to buy me one little draught beer for $1.50!" So he bought me a whole pitcher. I was so emotional that the fucking whisky and beer hit me hard. I went back to Zuey's in the hopes that M**cus would be gone and he was, but Keith was there and he wasn't being very nice and made me cry. I was crying into Mc's shoulder and being very sorry for talking to his lame friend (I told his friend that all Irish guy's had whisky dick when they were drunk because he was irritating the fuck out of me.) He bought me a shot (something Irish sounding but its Bailey's and Jameson mixed) which I thought was awfully nice. I ordered a beer but I couldn't drink it because I was crying too much. I felt like a big loser but I had dealt with so many bigger losers this last two weeks it was like I just couldn't stand it any more. I knew a big cry fest was coming up because I've been very emotional lately and on the verge of tears for almost two weeks. Oh well. Luckily nobody was really there since it was so late so I'm not terribly embarassed, but still. I don't want to be that fucking psycho chick who cries in the bar. Seriously. Oh well, oh well. I give up truly. I think from now on I'm going to stay home and do nothing. I have $20 in my bank account and I have to make it last until the 31st. I can't afford to be drinking the way I have been this time around. Also, I have been told a lot lately that I'm terribly obnoxious that hurts. I know I'm loud when I drink but I never thought of myself as obnoxious. Apparently I am quite. I don't know, these people are just assholes. I should start going to Noodles instead of Zuey's. I'm just tired of the whole crowd there. Too often I'm hurt when I leave or upset or offended. And drunk. I don't want to get a DUI - 30 days in jail will kill my career and my life. And if I killed someone it would be even worse. If I killed myself only well then whatever it's my own fucking fault for being a dumbass driving drunk. I'm worried about everyone else, just like always. How many times have I sat and paid for someone to get ripped with me? How many times have I thrown n all the cash for a teen and blow down with everyone and they don't even offer to thrown in a single buck or buy the beer or anything? I always do do do for others and no one ever does for me. Well I shouldn't say never - GG buys me a drink here and there, so does TG, and the guys from work buy me lunch sometimes and little things like that. I just feel completely used by so many others that its almost like the little things that I appreciate (I really do) just don't matter that much (even tho I do appreciate them.) People are just fucking dumb. I need to move away to somewhere that nobody knows me, where I can start fresh and not even think about anyone else. Maybe I will sign my apartment over to Yo and move to Arizona with my next paycheck.
19 May 2005
Soundtrack to Boston, July 2000, courtesy of Ben Folds Five
Oh, things like this give me a throwback to my first few months in the real world... thanks Ben.
There was a time when I had nothing to explain - oh, this mess I have made. But then things got complicated, my innocence has all but faded - oh, this mess I have made. And I don't believe in god, so I can't be saved... All alone as I've learned to be in this mess I have made. All the untested virtues of things I said I'd never do - least of all unto you. I know she's kind and true, I know that she is good to you. She'll never care for you more than I do. But I don't believe in love and I can't be changed. All alone as I've learned to be, in this mess I have made... the same mistakes over and over again. There are rooms in this house that I don't open anymore; dusty books and pictures on the floor. He will never see - he'll never see that part of me. I want to be for him what I could never be for you. But I don't believe in god, so I can't be saved. All alone as I've learned to be, in this mess I have made.
From the back of your big brown eyes
I knew you'd be gone as soon as you could
And I hoped you would
We could see that you weren't yourself
And the lines on your face did tell
It's just as well
You'd never be yourself again
Saw you last night
Dance by the light of the moon
Stars in your eyes
Free from the life that you knew
You're the magic that holds the sky up from the ground
You're the breath that blows these cool winds 'round
Trading places with an angel now
Saw you last night
Dance by the light of the moon
Stars in your eyes
Free from the life that you knew
Saw you last night
Stars in your eyes
Smiled in my room
Leaf by leaf, page by page
Throw this book away
All the sadness, all the rage
Throw this book away
Rip out the binding, tear the glue
All of the grief we never even knew
We had it all along
Now it's smoke
The things we've written in it
Never really happened
All the things we've written in it
Never really happened
All of the people come and gone
Never really lived
All the people come have gone
No one to forgive - smoke
We will never write a new one
There will not be a new one
Another one, another one
Here's an evening dark with shame
Throw it on the fire
Here's the time I took the blame
Throw it on the fire
Here's the view we didn't speak
It seemed for years and years
Here's a secret
No one will ever know the reasons for the tears
They are smoke
Where do all the secrets live
They travel in the air
You can smell them when they burn
They travel in the air
Those who say the past is not dead
Stop and smell the smoke
You keep on saying the past is not dead
Come and smell the smoke
You keep saying the past is not even past
You keep saying
...We are smoke ... smoke ... smoke
So you wanted to take a break - Slow it down some and have some space. Well fuck you too!Give me my money back, give me my money back, you bitch. I want my money back... I wish I hadn't bought you dinner right before you dumped me on your front porch. Give me my money back, give me my money back, you bitch! I want my money back... and don't forget to give me back my black T-shirt.
jane be jane
you're better that way
not when you're trying
imitating something you think you saw
jane be jane
and if sometimes that might
rive them away
let them stay there
you don't need them anyway
you're worried there might not be
anything at all inside
but that you're worried
should tell you that's not right
don't try to see yourself
the way that others do
it's no use
you're worried there might not be
anything at all inside
but that you're worried
should tell you that's not right
you've had it harder than anyone could know
so hard to let it go
but it's your life
and you can decorate it
as you like
beneath the paint and armour
in your eyes the truth still shines
jane be jane
jane be jane
There was a time when I had nothing to explain - oh, this mess I have made. But then things got complicated, my innocence has all but faded - oh, this mess I have made. And I don't believe in god, so I can't be saved... All alone as I've learned to be in this mess I have made. All the untested virtues of things I said I'd never do - least of all unto you. I know she's kind and true, I know that she is good to you. She'll never care for you more than I do. But I don't believe in love and I can't be changed. All alone as I've learned to be, in this mess I have made... the same mistakes over and over again. There are rooms in this house that I don't open anymore; dusty books and pictures on the floor. He will never see - he'll never see that part of me. I want to be for him what I could never be for you. But I don't believe in god, so I can't be saved. All alone as I've learned to be, in this mess I have made.
From the back of your big brown eyes
I knew you'd be gone as soon as you could
And I hoped you would
We could see that you weren't yourself
And the lines on your face did tell
It's just as well
You'd never be yourself again
Saw you last night
Dance by the light of the moon
Stars in your eyes
Free from the life that you knew
You're the magic that holds the sky up from the ground
You're the breath that blows these cool winds 'round
Trading places with an angel now
Saw you last night
Dance by the light of the moon
Stars in your eyes
Free from the life that you knew
Saw you last night
Stars in your eyes
Smiled in my room
Leaf by leaf, page by page
Throw this book away
All the sadness, all the rage
Throw this book away
Rip out the binding, tear the glue
All of the grief we never even knew
We had it all along
Now it's smoke
The things we've written in it
Never really happened
All the things we've written in it
Never really happened
All of the people come and gone
Never really lived
All the people come have gone
No one to forgive - smoke
We will never write a new one
There will not be a new one
Another one, another one
Here's an evening dark with shame
Throw it on the fire
Here's the time I took the blame
Throw it on the fire
Here's the view we didn't speak
It seemed for years and years
Here's a secret
No one will ever know the reasons for the tears
They are smoke
Where do all the secrets live
They travel in the air
You can smell them when they burn
They travel in the air
Those who say the past is not dead
Stop and smell the smoke
You keep on saying the past is not dead
Come and smell the smoke
You keep saying the past is not even past
You keep saying
...We are smoke ... smoke ... smoke
So you wanted to take a break - Slow it down some and have some space. Well fuck you too!Give me my money back, give me my money back, you bitch. I want my money back... I wish I hadn't bought you dinner right before you dumped me on your front porch. Give me my money back, give me my money back, you bitch! I want my money back... and don't forget to give me back my black T-shirt.
jane be jane
you're better that way
not when you're trying
imitating something you think you saw
jane be jane
and if sometimes that might
rive them away
let them stay there
you don't need them anyway
you're worried there might not be
anything at all inside
but that you're worried
should tell you that's not right
don't try to see yourself
the way that others do
it's no use
you're worried there might not be
anything at all inside
but that you're worried
should tell you that's not right
you've had it harder than anyone could know
so hard to let it go
but it's your life
and you can decorate it
as you like
beneath the paint and armour
in your eyes the truth still shines
jane be jane
jane be jane
18 May 2005
Green shirts are for pimps
Well it's official - I'm old. My little brother got his temporary license last night. Tonight, we are going out driving. Yay!
Last night was eventful. I spent about an hour downtown at the police station talking to this detective about all the TM bullshit. I saw TM's mugshot, and it was really scary. I never want to see him again, if possible. The detective and I went over a lot of stuff. It was interesting, and I hope something comes of it.
After the police station I had to go to Zuey's. I hung out with GG and DG for a little while, and talked to J some while we smoked outside. GG has this white trash friend that seemed ridiculous - people who cheat are just dumb. Anyway, DG left and GG and I hung out for a little longer and then I went to Wendy's. Got some fries and chili and a burger but they were all nasty. E's roommate brought her little american bulldog, Chopper, to the bar, and I got to hold Wendell while GG went to pet Chopper. I felt special. K said some really mean things to me last night, but I guess they weren't really so mean as they were harsh. He told me that he knew of so many men who were interested in dating me but I couldn't keep my mouth shut so they wouldn't be with me. That sucked because just last week K told me I was obnoxious, and I never thought I was. I think I'm going to stop drinking so much and just stop being myself because I don't want to be thought of or even actually be obnoxious. I don't want to be that girl that people walk in and walk out because I'm there.
TG had a serious conversation with me last night about my sleeping around habits, and he made me cry because he cares about me and thinks I'm a good person and doesn't want me to get hurt. He said he was worried about me and GG hanging out because he knows the type of people I used to hang around and he doesn't want GG or me to get into danger or harm. I felt loved.
CCC came in around 1am, just as I was signing my tab. We talked until about 2am, and in that time I told him I really really liked him about 117 times. I told him that GG and I had decided I should ask him to be my boyfriend, and he said that he thought it was too soon and we need to get to know each other better first. I said I would ask him the next time we got together. He laughed. CCC died his hair brown, it is kind of strange looking because his hair is usually bright neon reddish orange. I think he looks older with regular colored hair, and cuter.
I don't know if I'm going to go to Zuey's tonight. I only have $64 to last me until May 31st (that would be $4.91 per day.) Oh well. I could always drink water. Tomcat does it, why can't I?
Late,
Kel
Last night was eventful. I spent about an hour downtown at the police station talking to this detective about all the TM bullshit. I saw TM's mugshot, and it was really scary. I never want to see him again, if possible. The detective and I went over a lot of stuff. It was interesting, and I hope something comes of it.
After the police station I had to go to Zuey's. I hung out with GG and DG for a little while, and talked to J some while we smoked outside. GG has this white trash friend that seemed ridiculous - people who cheat are just dumb. Anyway, DG left and GG and I hung out for a little longer and then I went to Wendy's. Got some fries and chili and a burger but they were all nasty. E's roommate brought her little american bulldog, Chopper, to the bar, and I got to hold Wendell while GG went to pet Chopper. I felt special. K said some really mean things to me last night, but I guess they weren't really so mean as they were harsh. He told me that he knew of so many men who were interested in dating me but I couldn't keep my mouth shut so they wouldn't be with me. That sucked because just last week K told me I was obnoxious, and I never thought I was. I think I'm going to stop drinking so much and just stop being myself because I don't want to be thought of or even actually be obnoxious. I don't want to be that girl that people walk in and walk out because I'm there.
TG had a serious conversation with me last night about my sleeping around habits, and he made me cry because he cares about me and thinks I'm a good person and doesn't want me to get hurt. He said he was worried about me and GG hanging out because he knows the type of people I used to hang around and he doesn't want GG or me to get into danger or harm. I felt loved.
CCC came in around 1am, just as I was signing my tab. We talked until about 2am, and in that time I told him I really really liked him about 117 times. I told him that GG and I had decided I should ask him to be my boyfriend, and he said that he thought it was too soon and we need to get to know each other better first. I said I would ask him the next time we got together. He laughed. CCC died his hair brown, it is kind of strange looking because his hair is usually bright neon reddish orange. I think he looks older with regular colored hair, and cuter.
I don't know if I'm going to go to Zuey's tonight. I only have $64 to last me until May 31st (that would be $4.91 per day.) Oh well. I could always drink water. Tomcat does it, why can't I?
Late,
Kel
17 May 2005
Sorry for the delay, I was masturbating
Hey kids!
Not much happened this week, I went on a date with CCC (kind of) on Friday. Found out his real name is Cassidy today. Very interesting. Maybe mom like the Partridge Family. Met up with L at Eldo's on Sunday, we kissed a lot, it was not bad but also not good. That's really about the only news I have. TM is still in jail, yay. NB still hasn't called me back and I feel really bad. Last Tuesday TS and R called me up to come and fuck their friend but I didn't go. I told them I would be there shortly and never showed up. I rule. J*R called me on Wednesday and well, I basically told him he was a big fucking loser and needed to make up his mind because I wasn't going to wait around forever.
Yeah, interesting week. At least GG and I had fun.
Late,
Kel
Not much happened this week, I went on a date with CCC (kind of) on Friday. Found out his real name is Cassidy today. Very interesting. Maybe mom like the Partridge Family. Met up with L at Eldo's on Sunday, we kissed a lot, it was not bad but also not good. That's really about the only news I have. TM is still in jail, yay. NB still hasn't called me back and I feel really bad. Last Tuesday TS and R called me up to come and fuck their friend but I didn't go. I told them I would be there shortly and never showed up. I rule. J*R called me on Wednesday and well, I basically told him he was a big fucking loser and needed to make up his mind because I wasn't going to wait around forever.
Yeah, interesting week. At least GG and I had fun.
Late,
Kel
10 May 2005
08 May 2005
And when we meet, as I'm sure we will...
*SIGH*
Boys - all I really want is boys
And in the morning it's boys
Cause in the evening it's boys
I like the way that they walk
And it's chill to hear them talk
And I can always make them smile
From White Castle to the Nile
...
Boys- to do the dishes
Boys- to clean up my room
Boys- to do the laundry
Boys- and in the bathroom
Boys- that's all I really want is boys
Two at a time - I want boys
With new wave hairdos - I want boys
I ought to whip out my - boys, boys, boys, boys, boys!
Adapted from "Girls" by The Beastie Boys
So last night I went out to buy cigarettes and decided to go to Zuey's. I walked in and who should be there but the wonderful and always lovely SB. I talked to him a little bit, and told him about his brother. He introduced me to his "girl" Dawn (another white trash hoe.) I mentioned NB, and SB's reaction was pretty fucking hilarious. I was like, "Yeah I ran into your brother again the other day" and related the story about last summer. Then SB mentioned that NB was at his house sleeping, and I was like, "Oh, okay. He was supposed to come over for dinner tonight. I figured he may have fallen asleep." Again, a priceless look appears on SB's face. He mentioned something about his brother being the man. I said nothing.
Later that night, I had had 2 pitchers and a shot of Tequila and somehow had gotten very drunk. I'm not sure how this happened, but I think it had to do with my emotional state. I was bitter about all guys leaving me for white trash, and slightly upset that I did not get to see NB. Guess who shows up! NB! Yippy. Too bad I was crunked and my attempts at conversation with him went something along the lines of:
"You should come over, no? Ok, I know you have to work tomorrow and you're on call right now. We should be friends. I really like you. We should spend a lot of quality time together with lots of sex but not call it dating. I was very upset because I was afraid you were just like your brother. He really pissed me off because he constantly would call and say all the emotional things and then leave me behind for white trash. I'm so drunk. I want to spend a lot of time with you. I know I should not be jealous or upset that you might move to Texas but I am and I don't know why because we aren't dating. We should have a lot of sex. I like having sex with you. You're much better than your brother. Gosh, I'm talking about your brother a lot. I'm sorry, he irritates me. I'm wonderful and I'm tired of getting turned down. God I'm drunk."
Nothing like waxing poetic with a bitter outlook and a body full of beer.
Late,
Kel
Boys - all I really want is boys
And in the morning it's boys
Cause in the evening it's boys
I like the way that they walk
And it's chill to hear them talk
And I can always make them smile
From White Castle to the Nile
...
Boys- to do the dishes
Boys- to clean up my room
Boys- to do the laundry
Boys- and in the bathroom
Boys- that's all I really want is boys
Two at a time - I want boys
With new wave hairdos - I want boys
I ought to whip out my - boys, boys, boys, boys, boys!
Adapted from "Girls" by The Beastie Boys
So last night I went out to buy cigarettes and decided to go to Zuey's. I walked in and who should be there but the wonderful and always lovely SB. I talked to him a little bit, and told him about his brother. He introduced me to his "girl" Dawn (another white trash hoe.) I mentioned NB, and SB's reaction was pretty fucking hilarious. I was like, "Yeah I ran into your brother again the other day" and related the story about last summer. Then SB mentioned that NB was at his house sleeping, and I was like, "Oh, okay. He was supposed to come over for dinner tonight. I figured he may have fallen asleep." Again, a priceless look appears on SB's face. He mentioned something about his brother being the man. I said nothing.
Later that night, I had had 2 pitchers and a shot of Tequila and somehow had gotten very drunk. I'm not sure how this happened, but I think it had to do with my emotional state. I was bitter about all guys leaving me for white trash, and slightly upset that I did not get to see NB. Guess who shows up! NB! Yippy. Too bad I was crunked and my attempts at conversation with him went something along the lines of:
"You should come over, no? Ok, I know you have to work tomorrow and you're on call right now. We should be friends. I really like you. We should spend a lot of quality time together with lots of sex but not call it dating. I was very upset because I was afraid you were just like your brother. He really pissed me off because he constantly would call and say all the emotional things and then leave me behind for white trash. I'm so drunk. I want to spend a lot of time with you. I know I should not be jealous or upset that you might move to Texas but I am and I don't know why because we aren't dating. We should have a lot of sex. I like having sex with you. You're much better than your brother. Gosh, I'm talking about your brother a lot. I'm sorry, he irritates me. I'm wonderful and I'm tired of getting turned down. God I'm drunk."
Nothing like waxing poetic with a bitter outlook and a body full of beer.
Late,
Kel
07 May 2005
The Lighthouse's Tale
"And the winds that blow remind me of what has been, and what will never be."
People are so fucking dumb. Check this shit out: (You can tell what a moron she is just by all her ridiculous typos!)
Kelly : hey how have you been
LF : fine
Kelly : start the new job yet?
LF: yep not like it matters to yu
Kelly : i've called you , you didn't call me back
Kelly : tried to talk to you on monday night but you were too busy
LF: thats cause i know alittle secret
Kelly : and what is that?
LF: you told dave,
Kelly : Nope
Kelly : I told Brian
LF: and you can sit and try to deny it
Kelly : Brian told Dave
LF: why would you do that
Kelly : good try
LF: when you know he would tell dave
LF: same thing
Kelly : We didn't want you to jeopardize everyone's livelihood
LF: how is that when i wanted to help get as many closed as possible
Kelly : Why the fuck would I tell Dave anyway? I knew that when you went to give your 2 weeks he would let you go that day anyway
LF: you just made them lose money but you know what thats fine, i really saw how you are
Kelly : I will have 27 loans on my next check lady
Kelly : you keep trying and you keep failing
Kelly : this is hilarious
LF: thats why you wanted to get me out of there
LF: i am not stupid kelly
Kelly : I've already closed 20 loans
LF: you are selfish
Kelly : No, I'm better than you
LF: that is why yuo will never have true friends
LF: you like to backstab them
Kelly : Every loan I have gotten of yours I have had to redo everything
Kelly : I mean, you couldn't even fill out a 1003 properly!
LF: if i am better then you how was i recomened for the job
Kelly : pathetic
LF: cright
LF: thats why i have been doing this for 5 years
Kelly : good luck on that $100,000
Kelly : yeah, so have I
LF: if i didnt know how to do that and i pretty sure dave would have gotten rid of me long ago
Kelly : well its funny that you say that
Kelly : because he was already looking for someone new
Kelly : and i lied to you about the junior processor crap i was telling you about
LF: its ok you helped me my making mrore money faster, and know everyone sees how you really are
LF: thats fine
Kelly : the office is so wonderful now that you're gone
LF: i dont care
Kelly : its quiet
LF: i am happy where i am'and i am happy i dont have to deal with you
Kelly : no fighting
LF: great lifeso have a f
Kelly : no stress
But besides that, my day has been okay! Even that just made me laugh, as it were. I worked out and cleaned up a lot. I had started cleaning last night and just kept going till I passed out. J*R and I had phone sex last night, it was very weird. I don't really know HOW to have phone sex, but I went with it and it was interesting. Then his phone cut out and I couldn't get ahold of him. Damn Nextels. NB is supposed to come over for dinner tonight, but I haven't been able to get ahold of him. I hope he isn't like his brother. I also hope that he didn't talk to SB and SB filled his head with stupid shit or something. Oh well. It's only 4:20 pm - if he doesn't call me by 8pm I will just make my own dinner *sniff* and try to get ahold of someone else. I hate boys.
People are so fucking dumb. Check this shit out: (You can tell what a moron she is just by all her ridiculous typos!)
Kelly : hey how have you been
LF : fine
Kelly : start the new job yet?
LF: yep not like it matters to yu
Kelly : i've called you , you didn't call me back
Kelly : tried to talk to you on monday night but you were too busy
LF: thats cause i know alittle secret
Kelly : and what is that?
LF: you told dave,
Kelly : Nope
Kelly : I told Brian
LF: and you can sit and try to deny it
Kelly : Brian told Dave
LF: why would you do that
Kelly : good try
LF: when you know he would tell dave
LF: same thing
Kelly : We didn't want you to jeopardize everyone's livelihood
LF: how is that when i wanted to help get as many closed as possible
Kelly : Why the fuck would I tell Dave anyway? I knew that when you went to give your 2 weeks he would let you go that day anyway
LF: you just made them lose money but you know what thats fine, i really saw how you are
Kelly : I will have 27 loans on my next check lady
Kelly : you keep trying and you keep failing
Kelly : this is hilarious
LF: thats why you wanted to get me out of there
LF: i am not stupid kelly
Kelly : I've already closed 20 loans
LF: you are selfish
Kelly : No, I'm better than you
LF: that is why yuo will never have true friends
LF: you like to backstab them
Kelly : Every loan I have gotten of yours I have had to redo everything
Kelly : I mean, you couldn't even fill out a 1003 properly!
LF: if i am better then you how was i recomened for the job
Kelly : pathetic
LF: cright
LF: thats why i have been doing this for 5 years
Kelly : good luck on that $100,000
Kelly : yeah, so have I
LF: if i didnt know how to do that and i pretty sure dave would have gotten rid of me long ago
Kelly : well its funny that you say that
Kelly : because he was already looking for someone new
Kelly : and i lied to you about the junior processor crap i was telling you about
LF: its ok you helped me my making mrore money faster, and know everyone sees how you really are
LF: thats fine
Kelly : the office is so wonderful now that you're gone
LF: i dont care
Kelly : its quiet
LF: i am happy where i am'and i am happy i dont have to deal with you
Kelly : no fighting
LF: great lifeso have a f
Kelly : no stress
But besides that, my day has been okay! Even that just made me laugh, as it were. I worked out and cleaned up a lot. I had started cleaning last night and just kept going till I passed out. J*R and I had phone sex last night, it was very weird. I don't really know HOW to have phone sex, but I went with it and it was interesting. Then his phone cut out and I couldn't get ahold of him. Damn Nextels. NB is supposed to come over for dinner tonight, but I haven't been able to get ahold of him. I hope he isn't like his brother. I also hope that he didn't talk to SB and SB filled his head with stupid shit or something. Oh well. It's only 4:20 pm - if he doesn't call me by 8pm I will just make my own dinner *sniff* and try to get ahold of someone else. I hate boys.
06 May 2005
Seems to me that "maybe" pretty much always means "no."
Tuesday I went to the prosecutor's office to file charges against TM for menacing, and felony charges against him for the stuff he stole from me. It was a three hour ordeal, not very exciting and quite mentally taxing. I talked to Yo when I was done and we decided that she would stay with me for a little while til she can get back on her feet.
I went to Zuey's because I needed to drink, not to mention that Tuesday was my third wedding anniversary and I was quite upset about that. I started talking to this boy, N, and realized after a few minutes that I had met him last summer. That time he was drunk and had long hair. He was quite irritating to talk to, so I gave him a fake phone number. I was fairly nice though, and gave him a hug goodbye, but then he tried to kiss me. I never thought of him again. It was pretty funny how he happened to be that same guy - he vaguely remembered me too, which made me feel kinda special. He said he had thought of me a few times and wondered when he might run back into me. So N and I are talking, really hitting it off, and Sh* comes in. We are all talking, and Sh* mentions SB. I was like, "Sh*, can you do me a favor - can you please get my DVD back from him?! I have left messages, I have told him I don't want to fuck him, I don't care to talk to him, etc. and he never calls me back." N looks at me and he's like, "I can get your movie back." So I ask him if he knows SB.
"He's my brother."
Oh shit. I have thus dug myself into a 12 foot hole and jumped in with both feet in my mouth. N has just become NB.
I vowed to not talk until 1 a.m. It was only 19 minutes from when I made the vow, but I didn't talk to anyone but E, GG, and DG. Following is the conversation that NB and I had on a small bar napkin while waiting for 1 a.m. to arrive:
K: So what is your favorite movie?
N: Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
K: Mine's American Psycho.
K: Choose between: shot of vodka and everyone dies or shot to your head and no one dies?
N: Gimme the shot of vodka, I'm not ready to die yet. You?
K: Same. Let's fuck and repopulate. :)
N: Sounds Good. Your place? :)
K: Well I guess, cuz it's closer. If you're still down w/me.
N: I'm game.
K: Nice. Good to see that my hole was not that deep... that sounded bad...well let me finish my beer at least *wink*
N: That works for me.
K: Cool. And you don't even have to be my boyfriend. Yippy.
N: That's cool. No expectations that way.
K: Well ya know, wouldn't wanna talk shit about you or somethin'. But if you're good I'm gonna want more. Be forewarned.
N: No problem there.
K: Haha FYI I didn't shave cuz I didn't plan on getting fucked tonight. Not a lesbian <-----
N: We can fix that. :)
K: Planning on showering with me? By the way, I'm saving this note for our grandkids. (Kiddin')
N: I'm game for that.
K: Yay! Babies! Oh wait. You meant showering... crikey. I'm almost done - you?
N: Ready when you are.
We left and went back to my house, and upon entering my bedroom, we sat on the bed. NB and I proceeded to have one of the best conversations I have had in a long, long time. We did get intimate, and he was really REALLY good. The only thing that was not-so-awesome was that he left gigantic hickeys on both sides of my neck. We had more conversation after that. After a little while we tried to do it again, but we were both pretty tired and it was almost five a.m. so we cuddled up and talked some more, and fell asleep. I slept so soundly in his arms, it was amazing. When I woke up and the alarm was going off, I noticed that he and I had slept in the exact same cuddling position all night long. I was shocked - that has never happened to me before! I showered and he showered and we left, talking a little bit in the parking lot. He gave me his number (for the second time in a year!) and kissed me goodbye. *sigh*
Wednesday I went to Zuey's and hung out with GG a little bit, but mostly with Z and L. I also talked to J*R and TS a little, who brought their friend R with them. J*R was completley fucked up. TS and R were just drunk. Apparently they had taken about six somas each - bad idea to mix those with beer! They left, and about 10 minutes after they had gone, TS called me up and said that they had dropped J*R off and he and R wanted me to come down to TS's so they could double team me. I was up for that, but not willing because I didn't feel like driving to TS's, they were drunk, and I was interested in sleeping with Z that night. Z and I left around 2 a.m., and tried to go to Taco Bell but it was closed. I'm not going to go into details about Z, but let's just say that he was very weird. Very... dominating, but not in a "telling me what to do" way, more of a "I'm the man and you'll do as I say" kinda way. Very weird. He is very good at cuddling though... not as good as NB, but I'm biased.
After Z left, I called NBwhile he was at work. We talked for almost an hour, and had a real conversation. I like him a lot, but I'm trying not to because he has a five year old son in Texas and he is planning on moving back there soon to be with him. I shouldn't be upset or jealous about that because, well, it's his child. But I am. We made tentative plans for Saturday for dinner cooked by me because he likes to eat Pasta and I like to cook it.
Last night GG and I went to Jersey Mike's for dinner and then to Eldo's for karaoke for Cinco de Mayo. It was pretty fun and we got to sing a lot, and Moose was there. CCC showed up later at the end of the night. DS showed up too and he had just had Lasik Eye Surgery. I spent $23 and felt pretty good. I'm trying to cut down on my spending because it is hard to make it from check to check, and I don't know why. I only spend about $20-30 each time I go out. Oh well. Sunday is Mother's Day, how thrilling. I'm not looking forward to going to Cleveland, but I know it's the nice thing to do.
Late,
Kel
I went to Zuey's because I needed to drink, not to mention that Tuesday was my third wedding anniversary and I was quite upset about that. I started talking to this boy, N, and realized after a few minutes that I had met him last summer. That time he was drunk and had long hair. He was quite irritating to talk to, so I gave him a fake phone number. I was fairly nice though, and gave him a hug goodbye, but then he tried to kiss me. I never thought of him again. It was pretty funny how he happened to be that same guy - he vaguely remembered me too, which made me feel kinda special. He said he had thought of me a few times and wondered when he might run back into me. So N and I are talking, really hitting it off, and Sh* comes in. We are all talking, and Sh* mentions SB. I was like, "Sh*, can you do me a favor - can you please get my DVD back from him?! I have left messages, I have told him I don't want to fuck him, I don't care to talk to him, etc. and he never calls me back." N looks at me and he's like, "I can get your movie back." So I ask him if he knows SB.
"He's my brother."
Oh shit. I have thus dug myself into a 12 foot hole and jumped in with both feet in my mouth. N has just become NB.
I vowed to not talk until 1 a.m. It was only 19 minutes from when I made the vow, but I didn't talk to anyone but E, GG, and DG. Following is the conversation that NB and I had on a small bar napkin while waiting for 1 a.m. to arrive:
K: So what is your favorite movie?
N: Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
K: Mine's American Psycho.
K: Choose between: shot of vodka and everyone dies or shot to your head and no one dies?
N: Gimme the shot of vodka, I'm not ready to die yet. You?
K: Same. Let's fuck and repopulate. :)
N: Sounds Good. Your place? :)
K: Well I guess, cuz it's closer. If you're still down w/me.
N: I'm game.
K: Nice. Good to see that my hole was not that deep... that sounded bad...well let me finish my beer at least *wink*
N: That works for me.
K: Cool. And you don't even have to be my boyfriend. Yippy.
N: That's cool. No expectations that way.
K: Well ya know, wouldn't wanna talk shit about you or somethin'. But if you're good I'm gonna want more. Be forewarned.
N: No problem there.
K: Haha FYI I didn't shave cuz I didn't plan on getting fucked tonight. Not a lesbian <-----
N: We can fix that. :)
K: Planning on showering with me? By the way, I'm saving this note for our grandkids. (Kiddin')
N: I'm game for that.
K: Yay! Babies! Oh wait. You meant showering... crikey. I'm almost done - you?
N: Ready when you are.
We left and went back to my house, and upon entering my bedroom, we sat on the bed. NB and I proceeded to have one of the best conversations I have had in a long, long time. We did get intimate, and he was really REALLY good. The only thing that was not-so-awesome was that he left gigantic hickeys on both sides of my neck. We had more conversation after that. After a little while we tried to do it again, but we were both pretty tired and it was almost five a.m. so we cuddled up and talked some more, and fell asleep. I slept so soundly in his arms, it was amazing. When I woke up and the alarm was going off, I noticed that he and I had slept in the exact same cuddling position all night long. I was shocked - that has never happened to me before! I showered and he showered and we left, talking a little bit in the parking lot. He gave me his number (for the second time in a year!) and kissed me goodbye. *sigh*
Wednesday I went to Zuey's and hung out with GG a little bit, but mostly with Z and L. I also talked to J*R and TS a little, who brought their friend R with them. J*R was completley fucked up. TS and R were just drunk. Apparently they had taken about six somas each - bad idea to mix those with beer! They left, and about 10 minutes after they had gone, TS called me up and said that they had dropped J*R off and he and R wanted me to come down to TS's so they could double team me. I was up for that, but not willing because I didn't feel like driving to TS's, they were drunk, and I was interested in sleeping with Z that night. Z and I left around 2 a.m., and tried to go to Taco Bell but it was closed. I'm not going to go into details about Z, but let's just say that he was very weird. Very... dominating, but not in a "telling me what to do" way, more of a "I'm the man and you'll do as I say" kinda way. Very weird. He is very good at cuddling though... not as good as NB, but I'm biased.
After Z left, I called NBwhile he was at work. We talked for almost an hour, and had a real conversation. I like him a lot, but I'm trying not to because he has a five year old son in Texas and he is planning on moving back there soon to be with him. I shouldn't be upset or jealous about that because, well, it's his child. But I am. We made tentative plans for Saturday for dinner cooked by me because he likes to eat Pasta and I like to cook it.
Last night GG and I went to Jersey Mike's for dinner and then to Eldo's for karaoke for Cinco de Mayo. It was pretty fun and we got to sing a lot, and Moose was there. CCC showed up later at the end of the night. DS showed up too and he had just had Lasik Eye Surgery. I spent $23 and felt pretty good. I'm trying to cut down on my spending because it is hard to make it from check to check, and I don't know why. I only spend about $20-30 each time I go out. Oh well. Sunday is Mother's Day, how thrilling. I'm not looking forward to going to Cleveland, but I know it's the nice thing to do.
Late,
Kel
Labels:
drama,
friends,
marriage,
relationships,
Zuey's
02 May 2005
I've been travelin', buzzin' time, with my fishin' pole and my bottle o'shine...
Well, TM's in jail. He punched Yo in the eye this morning after he got home from the bar. She called the cops and they arrested him this afternoon.
Well, LF got fired this morning. DE found out from BE whom I had told she was looking for a new job, and he let her go. Not to mention that she sucks terribly.
Well, GG rocks. Let's make a list!
People Who Really Fucking Rock
Me
GG
G
MF
DR
Moose
Tomcat
C***de
KP
K
My people from work except Andrew
BR
Big J
People Who Really do NOT Fucking Rock
Andrew
TM
LF
DB
the other Danielle
K*m
Everyone else is neutral, so don't be offended. Better to not be on a list than to be on the second one! Yay! Also you can't make either list if I don't know you that well. Yay again!
There's not much you can do or say to change me - People just get a little bit crazy.
Well, I finally did it. I was going to wait until I bought a gun and learned how to fire it, but I filed a police report (technically two) against TM.
Let's start with this evening.
I went to Eldo's after spending the whole day sitting in the chair watching movies and Animation Domination (on Fox.) GG showed up after a little while, and we ended up sitting with Big J, Moose, and DR. G was sitting with us some of the time. Cat wasn't there tonight so Doc was running her show, and there weren't hardly any singers. That was cool though because I got to sing eight songs when usually I only sing between two and four. Moose and GG really hit it off, he's awesome and she is too, so I wasn't surprised. Plus I think Moose loves women in general! I talked a little bit with DR, who is G's old roommate. He and I made a date for Wednesday night after seven. I'm very excited. I like him, even though he is definitely NOT my type at all - he's only a little taller than me, and fairly round. Usually I like my men MUCH taller and very very thin. Must be fate or something. Plus "Kelly Reynolds" would look great on a business card. The only weird thing is that he has an 11 year old daughter... that's quite close to my age... oh well.
So, I'm at Eldo's and TM and MF show up. I say hello to MF but not TM because I have been quite upset with him lately. Yo confirmed that he stole my wedding rings, and it has been downhill from there. Well G mentioned something to TM about us having a tiff, and TM just walks out. He calls me from Zuey's saying that I need to get over there right now and talk to him or he's going to fuck me up and fuck everyone who is with me up. I'm like whatever loser I'm not going. After I drop GG off, I do go to Zuey's and confront TM. As usual, he starts running his mouth and making threats so I just laid into him. I told him he's a bad father, a bad friend, and a bad husband, he's a worthless deadbeat theif and liar. I went on and on and then he started to threaten me with physical harm so I left and went to talk to Yo. We talked for a minute, and then I came home and immediately called the cops. Fuck TM. He needs to be taught a lesson. He has ruined my life enough - I got over the cocaine addiction but now I'm just stuck with this fucking loser... Hopefully something will come of this. I have to call the prosecutor tomorrow to see if I can get a restraining order. *sigh* I am hungry and tired but I can't eat or sleep because I am so upset. GG was nice enough to offer to stay up and talk to me but I think I'm going to go crash. Sometimes I hate my life. Sometimes I hate other peoples' lives... like TM. I'm mostly just hurt because I never thought he would steal from me or lie to me. We have been friends for five years, and I never had a problem until recently. I don't think I will ever understand.
Late,
Kel
PS- another guy for the cast of characters is I, GG's hot sexy cute boyfriend/boytoy!
Let's start with this evening.
I went to Eldo's after spending the whole day sitting in the chair watching movies and Animation Domination (on Fox.) GG showed up after a little while, and we ended up sitting with Big J, Moose, and DR. G was sitting with us some of the time. Cat wasn't there tonight so Doc was running her show, and there weren't hardly any singers. That was cool though because I got to sing eight songs when usually I only sing between two and four. Moose and GG really hit it off, he's awesome and she is too, so I wasn't surprised. Plus I think Moose loves women in general! I talked a little bit with DR, who is G's old roommate. He and I made a date for Wednesday night after seven. I'm very excited. I like him, even though he is definitely NOT my type at all - he's only a little taller than me, and fairly round. Usually I like my men MUCH taller and very very thin. Must be fate or something. Plus "Kelly Reynolds" would look great on a business card. The only weird thing is that he has an 11 year old daughter... that's quite close to my age... oh well.
So, I'm at Eldo's and TM and MF show up. I say hello to MF but not TM because I have been quite upset with him lately. Yo confirmed that he stole my wedding rings, and it has been downhill from there. Well G mentioned something to TM about us having a tiff, and TM just walks out. He calls me from Zuey's saying that I need to get over there right now and talk to him or he's going to fuck me up and fuck everyone who is with me up. I'm like whatever loser I'm not going. After I drop GG off, I do go to Zuey's and confront TM. As usual, he starts running his mouth and making threats so I just laid into him. I told him he's a bad father, a bad friend, and a bad husband, he's a worthless deadbeat theif and liar. I went on and on and then he started to threaten me with physical harm so I left and went to talk to Yo. We talked for a minute, and then I came home and immediately called the cops. Fuck TM. He needs to be taught a lesson. He has ruined my life enough - I got over the cocaine addiction but now I'm just stuck with this fucking loser... Hopefully something will come of this. I have to call the prosecutor tomorrow to see if I can get a restraining order. *sigh* I am hungry and tired but I can't eat or sleep because I am so upset. GG was nice enough to offer to stay up and talk to me but I think I'm going to go crash. Sometimes I hate my life. Sometimes I hate other peoples' lives... like TM. I'm mostly just hurt because I never thought he would steal from me or lie to me. We have been friends for five years, and I never had a problem until recently. I don't think I will ever understand.
Late,
Kel
PS- another guy for the cast of characters is I, GG's hot sexy cute boyfriend/boytoy!
01 May 2005
Update of the Glossary
New Cast of Characters
FYI, TM is no longer in the best friend spot. He stole my wedding rings and gave them to his wife, he stole several DVDs, some clothes, and my video camera. Fuck him.
- GG- Newest best friend
- Wendell - Gina's seeing-eye dog
- RJ- Used to work at Dockside, long-time friend of Gina, short-time friend of Me.
- DB- Manager/Bartender at Zuey's
- M**cus - patron of Zuey's
- Nicholas - Boring Kid
- J*R - Eminem lookalike. Fuck buddy?
- TS- Jon's friend, former marine, nice guy, good lay.
- K - new male bartender at Zuey's
- C***de - Bartender at Eldo's
- Eldo's - Actually El Dorado's
FYI, TM is no longer in the best friend spot. He stole my wedding rings and gave them to his wife, he stole several DVDs, some clothes, and my video camera. Fuck him.
I was feeling like a stranger in a strange land
"...You know, where people play games with the night... god, it was too hot to sleep... I turned around and she said, 'Why do you always end up down at Nick's Cafe?'... Catch the Blue Train... look for me, Somewhere down the Crazy River..." ~"Somewhere Down the Crazy River" by Robby Robertson
That song is the fucking shit. It's so deep. I could listen to it a million times in a row.
Well this weekend was fairly uneventful, but nice. Friday night GG and I went to Zuey's. It was this chick named Alicia's birthday, and they had some food laid out for her party. She told us to help ourselves, so we had some chicken wings and some olives/cheese/celery. Well GG had celery, not me. Ick. I was looking under the foil at the chicken wings, and DB comes up to me and she's like, "I think that is for a party only." I was like, "Yah, I know, she said we could have some." And then DB had the nerve to go ask Alicia if we were actually allowed. What a fucking bitch. Later that night, I ordered a drink and DB says to me, "Don't walk out on your tab tonight." I was so offended. I have only walked out on my tab once, and it was six dollars and I had a good reason - I had gone to pick MF up from work and it was blizzarding and I couldn't drive back - but they had my card that time! One time I forgot my card, and one other time my paycheck hadn't gone through my account yet, so my card didn't go through. But I have never intentionally walked out on my tab. I hate that girl, she's so mean.
Anyway, GG and I sat and talked the whole night, it was pretty good. She is having some worries about her relationship with her boyfriend, I, but I think they will be okay. They've moved out of the "honeymoon" phase and they are getting comfortable with each other and that is a little weird for them. I'm sure they will be just fine. M**cus showed up and he was crying, that was weird. He was doing the man-cry where his eyes get all red and watery and he sniffles a lot but no tears actually fall. He was trying to talk to me and I was like "Wow buddy" and then he kissed me which was very weird... and then he was going off about his insane crazy girlfriend, K*m, and I just kept thinking he was drunk and getting drunker. He gave me his beer because he was so drunk he couldn't finish it. He and K were harassing me, smacking my ass and stuff. I showed them my pierced nipples and they were like surprised... I don't know why.
Last night GG and I met up at Zuey's for the fish fry. It was okay, the fries were good and the fish wasn't bad. The boring kid, Nicholas, was there, thank god he left after an hour. I was about to die from boredom listening to him. I kept trying to say things like, "Gee I don't feel like talking today" or "I'm not really in the mood for conversation" but he kept talking!! I think he has a crush on me because he throws out lame ass pick up lines sometimes and I'm just like, "whatever dude" - I think he's on the edge of being semi-retarded, seriously. Maybe he was a crack baby or something. Some people came in that I didn't know, and K and I were talking about my nipples and the girl wanted to see them. I showed her. I think she was a lesbian because I said something about men and she indicated that she had no interest in men. Zuey's was so boring in general that GG and I were going to go to the VIP because I've never been there before. She mentioned two nice bartenders that work there, Katie (I think) and Danielle. Danielle is SB's Danielle, so I called DS to see if she was working. He said that she probably was, so I didn't want to go. Yuck on Danielles. We decided to go up to Crabby Tom's to do some karoke. I sang "Fallin'" by Alicia Keys, and GG sang "God Bless the USA" by Lee Greenwood. She's really good at that song, and everyone clapped loud for her. There was a girl with a drunk mom (who was puking in the bathroom, thank god I missed that!) and the mom kept wanting to pet Wendell. I really need to get on making those t-shirts! Crabby Tom's was boring too, nobody there really talks. We were sitting with M and R from Sunbury, and turns out they know one of GG's friend's mom who worked at the IGA. That was cool. R and I talked about all my problems with TM, and we decided that I should buy a gun and learn how to fire it before I file the police report. After GG sang her song, we left and went back to Zuey's. GG called I on the way there, and she was like, "Hey I you want to touch Kelly's tits?" and good thing he said "No". Hahaha.
Back at Zuey's, RJ was there and some other people, but it was still boring. M**cus and his stupid fucking bitch girlfriend K*m were there, and he was actually nice to me but she was still unfriendly and bitch like. Oh well, I don't care. I was talking to C, J*R's cousin, on the phone trying to meet up with TS (I'm afraid I said some awfully mean things about J*R, which will probably get back to him, but oh well. He never calls me and its upsetting because it seems like he only wants to hang when I have drugs.) Mc, the Irish guy, showed up outof nowhere and handed me a joint. I was like "what the hell" so I took a few hits and I got so fucking high it was ridiculous. I went back in and tried to finish my beer but I couldn't even keep my eyes open. Gave Mc my number and left. It was fucked up man. I didn't even bother to call TS back because I seriously would have been worthless for fucking, hahaha.
I woke up this afternoon around one, and now I'm updating my blog. I'm proud of myself because I have only spent about $21 this weekend, on my card, so tonight I think I will get a few beers at Eldo's and drink water the rest of the night. Karaoke in eight hours! Yay!
Late,
Kel
That song is the fucking shit. It's so deep. I could listen to it a million times in a row.
Well this weekend was fairly uneventful, but nice. Friday night GG and I went to Zuey's. It was this chick named Alicia's birthday, and they had some food laid out for her party. She told us to help ourselves, so we had some chicken wings and some olives/cheese/celery. Well GG had celery, not me. Ick. I was looking under the foil at the chicken wings, and DB comes up to me and she's like, "I think that is for a party only." I was like, "Yah, I know, she said we could have some." And then DB had the nerve to go ask Alicia if we were actually allowed. What a fucking bitch. Later that night, I ordered a drink and DB says to me, "Don't walk out on your tab tonight." I was so offended. I have only walked out on my tab once, and it was six dollars and I had a good reason - I had gone to pick MF up from work and it was blizzarding and I couldn't drive back - but they had my card that time! One time I forgot my card, and one other time my paycheck hadn't gone through my account yet, so my card didn't go through. But I have never intentionally walked out on my tab. I hate that girl, she's so mean.
Anyway, GG and I sat and talked the whole night, it was pretty good. She is having some worries about her relationship with her boyfriend, I, but I think they will be okay. They've moved out of the "honeymoon" phase and they are getting comfortable with each other and that is a little weird for them. I'm sure they will be just fine. M**cus showed up and he was crying, that was weird. He was doing the man-cry where his eyes get all red and watery and he sniffles a lot but no tears actually fall. He was trying to talk to me and I was like "Wow buddy" and then he kissed me which was very weird... and then he was going off about his insane crazy girlfriend, K*m, and I just kept thinking he was drunk and getting drunker. He gave me his beer because he was so drunk he couldn't finish it. He and K were harassing me, smacking my ass and stuff. I showed them my pierced nipples and they were like surprised... I don't know why.
Last night GG and I met up at Zuey's for the fish fry. It was okay, the fries were good and the fish wasn't bad. The boring kid, Nicholas, was there, thank god he left after an hour. I was about to die from boredom listening to him. I kept trying to say things like, "Gee I don't feel like talking today" or "I'm not really in the mood for conversation" but he kept talking!! I think he has a crush on me because he throws out lame ass pick up lines sometimes and I'm just like, "whatever dude" - I think he's on the edge of being semi-retarded, seriously. Maybe he was a crack baby or something. Some people came in that I didn't know, and K and I were talking about my nipples and the girl wanted to see them. I showed her. I think she was a lesbian because I said something about men and she indicated that she had no interest in men. Zuey's was so boring in general that GG and I were going to go to the VIP because I've never been there before. She mentioned two nice bartenders that work there, Katie (I think) and Danielle. Danielle is SB's Danielle, so I called DS to see if she was working. He said that she probably was, so I didn't want to go. Yuck on Danielles. We decided to go up to Crabby Tom's to do some karoke. I sang "Fallin'" by Alicia Keys, and GG sang "God Bless the USA" by Lee Greenwood. She's really good at that song, and everyone clapped loud for her. There was a girl with a drunk mom (who was puking in the bathroom, thank god I missed that!) and the mom kept wanting to pet Wendell. I really need to get on making those t-shirts! Crabby Tom's was boring too, nobody there really talks. We were sitting with M and R from Sunbury, and turns out they know one of GG's friend's mom who worked at the IGA. That was cool. R and I talked about all my problems with TM, and we decided that I should buy a gun and learn how to fire it before I file the police report. After GG sang her song, we left and went back to Zuey's. GG called I on the way there, and she was like, "Hey I you want to touch Kelly's tits?" and good thing he said "No". Hahaha.
Back at Zuey's, RJ was there and some other people, but it was still boring. M**cus and his stupid fucking bitch girlfriend K*m were there, and he was actually nice to me but she was still unfriendly and bitch like. Oh well, I don't care. I was talking to C, J*R's cousin, on the phone trying to meet up with TS (I'm afraid I said some awfully mean things about J*R, which will probably get back to him, but oh well. He never calls me and its upsetting because it seems like he only wants to hang when I have drugs.) Mc, the Irish guy, showed up outof nowhere and handed me a joint. I was like "what the hell" so I took a few hits and I got so fucking high it was ridiculous. I went back in and tried to finish my beer but I couldn't even keep my eyes open. Gave Mc my number and left. It was fucked up man. I didn't even bother to call TS back because I seriously would have been worthless for fucking, hahaha.
I woke up this afternoon around one, and now I'm updating my blog. I'm proud of myself because I have only spent about $21 this weekend, on my card, so tonight I think I will get a few beers at Eldo's and drink water the rest of the night. Karaoke in eight hours! Yay!
Late,
Kel
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