Saturday Afternoon

Last night I had the strangest dream. I was downstairs with Y and her 8-month old son. He was trying to walk and stand up, but he couldn’t. Suddenly, he stands straight up and starts running around. Every time he would try to stop and just stand there or slow down and walk, he would fall over. He couldn’t walk or stand but he could run. While we’re watching him do this, Y hears my phone ringing. I run upstairs to answer it but I don’t get there in time. I had missed five calls, four from J*R and one from “private”. I knew the “private” was my friend M (who, in real life, was trying to fly in from Denver this weekend and see me and I was waiting for his call in real life too!) and so I was bummed that I had missed it. I called J*R back and there was no answer. I looked out the window and saw his cousin C driving down the road. I ran out and jumped in the car and followed them. They drove for awhile, and finally stopped at a house in a neighborhood that reminded me of where I lived in Northfield (near Cleveland.) J*R and C got out, and I just waited by the curb. C saw me and said he would send J*R right out to talk to me. I waited and waited and finally went up to the front door to see why he hadn’t come out yet. Some really old white trash looking woman told me he was in the bedroom dying and had no time to talk to me. I pushed my way in and demanded to see him. She pointed towards a room down a short hallway. I walked in and C was in there, and J*R was laying half off the bed, half on the floor. He had a towel on his head and he was wiping his forehead with another wet towel. Every time he would touch the wet towel to his skin it would let off steam, like J*R was so, so hot. I went over to talk to him, and his eyes were so funny looking, I can’t even describe it. They were very dark and glossy looking, but empty, like I could stick my finger into them – like they were holes instead of eyes. He looked up at me and said in a weak voice, “I’m very sick, you should leave, and I don’t want you to catch it.” I told him I would stay and take care of him if he needed me to. He turned his head away and said he didn’t deserve it. It was then that I noticed his skin was leaking green slimy stuff, and there were puddles of it on the floor where his head was laying. I tried to lift him onto the bed, but he was so heavy and lifeless that I could barely move him an inch. Finally he asked me why I had come to see him. I told him it was because he had called me four times and not left a message, which worried me. He smiled a half smile and said I should go, and if he got better, he would send C to come get me and we would get married.

This dream is so weird. I’m not even going to comment on it.

I got a letter from TM this afternoon. I copied it exactly, spelling & grammar errors and all:

Dear Kelly,
I will not act like I didn’t deserve your letter & I won’t act like anything I am about 2 say will change any of how you feel. In fact, I almost don’t think you will read this. You said your peace so I will say mine.
I really am sorry you fell victim 2 what I had become B4 I came here. I was going down hill & fast because that shit was the devil. I will not act as if you weren’t one of the best people I have hung w/ but on the other hand you as the friend you proclaimed 2 be could have tried 2 help w/ that problem 1st. not that I’m putting any blame on you at all don’t get me wrong, that shit was my downfall & I can see that now & I see the things I did. I am sober now & intend 2 stay that way. When I leave here I’m going 2 seek a lot of help 2 make sure I don’t turn back into that person. I know I have hurt you but if you can one day find it in you 2 talk I would like 2 tell you some of these things face 2 face. I’m glad 2 here things are going well 4 you @ work that’s great.
You know I can’t say things are bad for me here I got a job here (not that it pays) & I have learned a lot. I’m no longer the angry person that I once was. I am almost respectfull so 2 speak that I am here because it may have saved my life. Now is a time for me 2 reconstruct Tony from the inside out.
I think I’m well on my way 2 recovery just in what I have worked on here but I will not stop here when I get out I will find the places I need 2 be 2 work on me & one day I may be back to Tony of ‘99’ the nice guy. There is no one out there that can condem or persecute me more than I already do & I’m finally getting back 2 Tony on account of it so I don’t regret the trip here I do regret the last few months I was out though. I will be back 2 me soon.
I’m sorry to hear about you & Scott I know you really like him. I hope things work out for the best you need a good guy around & if he is who you choose I’m sure there is a reason.
Well its late so I must bring this to an end. Do not worry 4 I am not mad at you or her & intend to cause harm to anymore. I have been a terrible person & I will not deny that but I am also a changing person I don’t know how yet but one day when you least expect you will see what I mean. I’m not longer the ball of hate that I had become 4 what its worth, not much I’m sure. I’m sorry for what I was & I hope 2 one day make up the things I have done 2 the specs of light that I had in an otherwise tainted world. I wish you the best of luck & I know it doesn’t mean much 2 you but I will pray 4 you & Scott. Feel free 2 write and tell me your thoughts on this letter. Take care of yourself, “Bell” & good luck w/everything.
Love,
Tony M*****
PS- 4 what its worth I love you guys & please hug & kiss my kids 4 me I miss them terribly. I think I need them more than they need me. W/deepest regret goodbye “friend”

I just don’t know what to say now. He seems sincere, but I don’t know. He’s lied in the past so much that I don’t know if being in prison is really enough to make him change. I would appreciate comments back on this, please post below.