Ok, I'm dumb.
I'm semi-upset over this stupid thing.
Ok, so, I have pretty much stopped drinking. I've got it down to where I will go out and have two beers or one cocktail and then drink O'Doul's for the rest of the time. Doesn't save any money really, but it saves my liver I guess.
Anyway, the last few weeks I have been so trashed, and when I come home to talk to SL on the phone, I either can't make it through the conversation and have to hang up soon or I pass out cold and wake up with the phone under my head. I apologize profusely the next day, and he always says it's alright. Doesn't keep me from feeling bad about it though.
So this weekend, as I mentioned in the last post, his friend is in town. Friend only comes to town every other week, so I understand how important it is for them to hang out. Last night I actually talked to Friend for about ten minutes while SL was off doing who knows what. I also got passed around to three chicks, they were all trashed. SL told me he loved me last night (as I also mentioned before) and Friend even called me SL's girl and all that but...
If anyone couldn't tell, which is totally possible, I have ZERO self-esteem when it comes to relationships with men. I know I rock at my job, singing, and being friendly (kinda) but when it involves men... yeah. No. I'm always worried that at any given moment he (whoever he may be) will just drop me like a hot potato and never talk to me again. It's happened so many times that I think I'm just used to it. I don't know what will happen in the future with SL and me, but I would like to think that something awesome will come of this. I truly have not felt this way about someone in over four years. It's crazy because I never have met SL yet, but I don't know, maybe I'm just being dumb.
I can't get him out of my head.
I wish I knew exactly how he felt about me. Sure, he says things like putting my first name with his last name and waxing poetic about how awesome it sounds and what a great Army wife I would make... things like how he can't wait to meet me (which I'm sure is true) and what he's going to do to/for/with me when I'm there... sometimes I'll remind him that since I've never been with anyone who has his first name he better make it good and he'll tell me that I won't have the opportunity to be with anyone with his name (other than him) or anyone else for that matter, once we meet... I've joked that he will fall madly in love with me and he agrees... things like all that make me think that he probably feels the same way I do - maybe not as strong or as romantically, but probably the same. Oh, if only I knew.
The point of this whole rant is that every day it gets closer to driving to Florida, I get more worried that when I get there he won't like me. SL tells me to shut it, that I'm talking crazy, and how could he not like me, but I know it could happen. He could even find a girlfriend between now and then, anything could happen. He tells me he loves me everyday, but still, I'm so worried. I'm just being a dumb girl who thinks too much about situations... I hope.
So, yeah. I'm just jealous of Friend because he gets to spend time with SL, I'm slightly upset with no reason to be because SL has not talked to me more than 15 minutes in the last three days. I know I should not be upset because I have done the same exact thing to SL many, many times, but still, I feel bad. I should be happy that he's spending time with his best friend and I should not be jealous or upset, and I am happy, but still... I'm so dumb.
I had a dream when I napped on the couch after the OSU game. It was a strange dream, where I was married to someone I didn't recognize. We lived in Indiana. I was an older woman, probably about sixty five, and my husband was about the same age. He was a very tall man, with gray hair and Buddy Holly glasses, and a mean wrinkle to his face. We had children and grandchildren, and they all hated me. I was having sex with my husband, and it was terrible. Everything hurt. He only wanted to do it one way, I suppose you could call it reverse cowboy, sitting up instead of laying down. He had on those stupid glasses and I asked him to take them off and he pushed me forward on the bed, claiming I was ignorant and a terrible wife. I got dressed after he stormed out of the room, and went to visit with my daughter and the grandkids in the living room. For some reason they were staying with us for the weekend. I asked if my granddaughter needed a bath, and my daughter said yes, so I offered to draw it for her and give her some toys to play with. My daughter sighed loudly and said that would be fine, but she would be watching me the whole time. It was not like a child molester thing, I think in the dream I was losing my mind like alzheimers or something. I took my granddaughter into the bathroom and drew the bath for her, with lots of bubbles and toys like little boats and sailors, they were the same toys I had when I was little (in real life.) She was playing that she was an octopus, and when I washed her hair she dunked under the water to rinse it. As she did that, my daughter walked in and yelled at me for letting the little girl drown. My granddaughter popped out of the water, smiling and laughing, but my daughter just grabbed her from the tub and wrapped her in a blanket, calling me ignorant. I sat on the floor and cried while the water drained. When I got up, I walked out to the living room again, only to find that everyone had left. I knew they had gone out to dinner because that had been the plan, but I was hurt they had left me home. The phone rang and it was IG, and I only knew because it came up on the caller ID, he didn't say a word other than "Answer the door when the bell rings" and hung up. I kinda looked at the phone and contemplated calling him back, when the door bell rang. It was MC (I don't think I've mentioned him in real life but he's IG's best friend, also from Brazil, also blind), and he came bustling in (he wasn't blind in the dream) and started straightening up my house. He went to my bedroom and I heard a little poofy explosion noise (like when Cinderella's pumpkin turns into a carriage) and then he came out, kissed me on the forehead, and left. We're all in our sixties, still. I look into the bedroom and it has been transformed from looking like 1950's drab to beautiful romantic flowers and fluffy things and wispy fabrics. In my dream I wonder if I'm dreaming. Then the doorbell rings again. I open it, and there is SL standing with a bunch of daisies and wearing his Army uniform. I welcome him in and we go straight to the bedroom and make love. Not fucking, making love. In the middle of it all, I hear my husband saying, in a far away voice, "Kelly? Kelly? Wake up, wake up, Kelly?" and as I'm hearing this, SL takes me in his arms and holds me tightly, saying "Don't worry, everything will be fine now." As we finish making love, and I'm feeling better than I have in forty years, I hear my daughter's voice, crying, "Dad, she's gone. Call the ambulance." And SL and I get up and get dressed, and I walk him to the front door, and he says to me, "The car is waiting outside, you don't need to get anything, let's just go" and I follow him out to a beautiful green pasture where my front yard once was, and there's a red Mustang (like the one I have now in real life!) there waiting and we get in and drive away. I woke up because a kitten bit my toe, but I'm pretty sure that was the end of the dream. How fucking weird, not to mention really damn cheesy.
I highly doubt that SL will read this, but there's a slight chance, but it's okay.
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