31 January 2006

Let's Do This Again

Once again, another year and I still hate February. It starts with my birthday (shit) followed by Valentine's Day (shitty) and ends up all short and shriveled (shittiest.) I fucking hate this month. I even tried to have an optimistic mood, a happy outlook, thinking "Gee this will be great. My swell boyfriend will be here smack dab in the middle of the month, I'll get to spend Valentine's Day with the one I love, etc. etc. etc." Yeah. Right. I'm fucking miserable.

My awesomest best friend in the entire world (she was this anyway, but she is well deserving of public announcement) made my year by donating to the Kelly's Divorce fund. I now only have to save slightly more than half of the cost. Big Shout Out to My Squaw! *wink*

Anyway. Tonight I wanted to go to Zuey's for my birthday. However, I have no funds. I got paid, and my fucking paycheck wasn't enough to cover my bills. So I got a Check Into Cash loan (stupid stupid bangs head on wall stupid stupid) again and now I have about... $40 to last me until February 15th. That means that when SL comes to visit, I won't be able to pay for anything. We won't be able to go out for Valentine's day, nothing. I'm just going to quit smoking cold turkey starting after my last pack (I have one unopened in my purse and one unopened in my freezer.) I guess that will save me $100 a month. This is fucking bullshit. Also I was supposed to have a happy birthday outing on the 12th, but I won't be able to because I won't have any money left by then. Goddamnit.

So... to conclude... yes, I do have $xxx in my divorce fund, but I can't touch it because it's for the divorce. As far as I'm concerned, that money doesn't even exist for me. It's property of the lawyer! Oh well.

Fucking February.

Past birthday experiences:
  • 2005: Alone, at karaoke.
  • 2004: At my brother-in-law's house, with my drunk husband, ending in my banging my brother-in-law.
  • 2003: My 21st birthday! I spent it drinking and drinking until I relised that my designated driver and my husband were both drunker than I was. I gagged myself with my finger til I puked and then ate four cheeseburgers, puked again, somehow ate another burger, and drove myself and the drunkos home.
  • 2002: Did nothing, I was saving for buying a house.
  • 2001: Hung out at the Cafe' 1904 (seedy ass bar on the south end) with roommate and boyfriend and some old people.
  • 2000: Spent with boyfriend. I believe that was the day I took his virginity.

30 January 2006

I love you there's a snake in my boot.

Woo! It's been a long time since I posted. I've been so busy, not to mention I was sick, and blah blah blah. Sucks. I really don't have any news... My birthday is in two days, I'm now accepting donations... SL will be here in 12 days! Yay!

Last night at karaoke I was talking to SL and we were doing that silly thing like "I love you times infinity times google" and I was like "I love you to infinity and beyond" and he said "I love you someone poisoned the water hole" (referencing Woody from "A Toy Story") and then right when I was going to say "I love you there's a snake in my boot", SL said it. We are so in sync.

Well I'm busy so I will try to be more regular with the updates. I suggest you all read Normlr's comments from my post about the dream about moving - he really made some good points.


22 January 2006

Sick and Tired

I've been sick since Friday morning, and I'm so tired... tired of being in the house, tired of being sick, tired of being tired. Stupid.

Thursday I went to Zuey's with GMc for a little while and it was alright. Got to talk to KL for a little bit, that was okay. She was really busy because of dart league being there. Apparently she works Tuesdays now too, and some lady was there and they were watching American Idol and this woman said I should go on it. I don't know who it was and KL couldn't remember. Oh well. Hippy came in with a friend of his, Tiny. Tiny is very nice. Hippy was trying to get business as usual. Oh well. We went over to Eldo's around ten-ish, and did some karaoke. It was all good, and I was not drunk, in fact I only had about six beers, one cocktail, and one shot all night.

Everything came falling down after I sang "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" by Elton John... I don't know why, but I just busted into tears and I was outside talking to SL, crying because I can't get this stupid divorce because for some reason I can't save my money (even though I'm not going out like I used to, I'm smoking less, I've only ate out twice in the last three weeks...) and at that point MMA hadn't returned my phone calls for four days. I was so upset because I feel like I can't be everything I want to be for SL because of this stupid marriage. I cried a lot and finally left. Everyone was trying to console me and stuff, but it just wasn't working. I went home and cried some more.

I've been crying a lot in fact. I haven't really stopped crying since Thursday night. And I'm crying over stupid things... it started Wednesday actually, when I was crying over "Skating with Celebrities" and then the whole MMA thing, today I cried because my computer wasn't working properly... it's ridiculous. I think I'm on the verge of having another nervous break down and I'm a little worried because I'm completley alone.

Dreams about Moving

Thursday night I had a dream that SL lived with me, and he moved back to Florida and left me because I was still married. In that same dream I drove to my parents' house for consolation and they weren't there, but there was a for sale sign in their yard.

Last night I had a dream that my parents moved to Dayton. I moved too, to a house in Upper Arlington. They were cleaning out their house and packing, and threw away our dog (we never had a dog but did in the dream) and a bunch of my childhood toys and stuff. I don't know where SK was but he didn't live with them. I tried to save all my stuff and take it with me, but my mom wouldn't let me. They gave me a tree, which they planted in my front yard, but I didn't want it because the leaves were fake and spray painted ugly colors. I was alone unpacking my stuff in my new house, and all these people showed up, telling me that they were squatters and didn't know anyone had moved in. One of them was Jack from "Will and Grace". He was hopping everywhere and doing Jazz hands. My mom called to see how I was doing and I was crying on the phone to her about how awful it was.

18 January 2006

New Pics in the Photobucket!

And look what I made!

17 January 2006

Drinks with a Purpose

That will be my new Native American name.

Let's see. Saturday... I did nothing. I laid around all day and then I got showered and finished watching Dances with Wolves which is the best movie I've seen in awhile and then fell asleep on the couch. Yep.

Sunday I got up and laid around, then I got dressed and went to O's to get this album for TG. I ended up staying and drinking some beers and we watched the game, and then O made dinner which was fabulous. He is a great cook! I tried to braid O's brother's hair into those cornrow things, and by the way, I cannot braid black hair. Oh man. We went to Whiskey Dick's then and it sucked as usual and I left. I went over to Eldo's and sat with SR and we had a great time. Fun, fun. Then I went over to SS/Jms house around one a.m. and ended up staying til almost three. Needless to say I was damn tired yesterday.

KP and I went to Zuey's yesterday night, I got there around 7 p.m. and she arrived closer to 8 p.m. It was fairly dead the entire time, but it picked up a little and we ended up having a great time. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun at Zuey's. I spent $47.00.

15 January 2006

The Russian

I had a dream that I was living in Russia. Everyone around me was speaking Russian, and so was I, but I could completely understand what they were saying. I was at a hotel that was (along with the other hotels and bars in town) having a karaoke contest. I was set to win all these awards because I was the best singer in town. I was at one hotel and I saw my ex boyfriend, JN. He was "chasing" me around (really just quickly and sneakily following) and trying to tell me that he was sorry and he was still in love with me after all these years (that would be five years) and would I please take him back, etc. etc. etc. Well I knew that I wasn't in the mood to be in love with him, and if he actually talked to me face to face I would end up falling back in love with him, so I did my best to avoid him. I ducked into the ladies' restroom, which was very fancy with perfume and flowers and little soaps and a girl who handed out towels and all that. There was a window in the door to the bathroom, and through it I saw my friend R(D)B and called her to come in. I was asking her what to do about JN and she said, "Go to the bar next door I was just there and nobody you know is there." So I headed over there, and when I walked in I knew every single person in there. Not from real life though, just from the dream. I got up on stage where the KJ looked like Vin Diesel, and tried to sing "American Pie" but I couldn't clear my throat in time to make sound come out. I ended up missing my cue and asked him to start over. This dude came up on stage and he was like, "I'm next get off the stage" and I tried to tell him that my song wasn't over I just needed to restart and he was literally trying to push me off the stage. I punched him and took off out the door. Now for some reason I was dressed like a bag lady, with three layers of clothes and a big suitcase, backpack, small purse, and I was wearing a beret. This Indian girl (from India) named Candy (who was actually a girl from this show I saw on TV in real life) was walking next to me and trying to talk to me and I was like "I know who you are lady, do you want my card?! Here's my fucking card!" and kept walking. She called after me that she would telephone me later that week and I just thought to myself "Whatever." I tried to get into the next bar that I came to, but there was this Russian boy sitting on the stoop and he said that the only way for me to get in was to fall in love with him. So I told him I loved him and he said no, I had to prove it was true love, and I woke up from the dream trying to figure out a way to convince this boy that I was in love with him.

I give up.

13 January 2006

Lazy Alcoholic Homosexual V

This is a new story, happened as of last night.

MMA finally called me Monday, as I mentioned in an earlier post. I couldn't believe it, he was being friendly. I decided to return the friendliness, and hope that it would make the divorce go smoother, especially since he said he would give me some money. So we went to karaoke last night... it was fine. He looks exactly the same, I, however, am hotter than ever. Thank you. He was cool and un-dramatic, and I was the same. It was well and good til he did an asshole-ish thing, which was randomly disappear, and when I called to see where he had gone, he said he was getting cigarettes, and would come back. He never came back. I was irritated, but whatever. He's not my problem, I just thought that was rude. Oh well.

So, it seems that men are pigs. I think O has several girlfriends, and I fear he may be one big player. I witnessed him making a phone call and it reminded me so much of the phone calls I have with SL every night.

"Hey Baby."
"Yeah, I'm just going home and going to bed, I have to be up early in the morning."
"I'd like to come over but I just can't. I'm sorry."
"I'll catch up with you tomorrow. Later."

Now the SL version.

"Hey Baby."
"I'm at Colt's right now."
"I'll call you back, we have to go pick up this kid."
an hour later...
"Hey Baby."
"I'm just hanging out with Randy. No, I haven't seen Colt in a few days."
"I gotta go, they just got home."
later that evening...
"Hey Baby."
"I'm so tired, I'm gonna go to bed."
"Love you too."

Oh well. He'll be moving here soon and then I won't have to worry about his girlfriend(s.)

What I have learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge boobs (good thing I've got this one covered!) I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take it's place! I've learned that 99% of the time when something in your house isn't working, someone else did it. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones never go away.

12 January 2006

I'm not the one who's so far away

Well this week has been boring.

Sunday, went to the Clarmont for my mom's birthday. It was alright. I ate all my food except I didn't eat the skin of my baked potatoe. I couldn't believe I ate that much - a salad, some bread, a 12 ox filet mignon, the inside of a potatoe, and a teeny piece of cake. It was crazy good. Sunday night I picked up O and his brother, and we went to karaoke. It was boring. We left around midnight.

Monday was fine. I went to SS/Jms house and it was fun. I got a little high but I didn't want to show it too much because I know they do it all the time and I didn't want to look uncool. I haven't smoked in like a year though, except for once at KP's with T and he had a peach flavored whatchacallit and I had to try that. It was weird.

Tuesday GG and I had this fight, but it's over now. Tuesday night I picked O up from work and we went to Brewstirs. Cat bought us a bunch of shots but I wasn't drunk. We talked to some folks from Atlanta, they were nice. Then we went to the Hot Spot and a few minutes after walking in I thought I was going to die. My muscles felt all funky, my head hurt so bad, I couldn't look at any light, and I almost passed out while I was singing my song. It was terrible. I thought I was drunk but then I realised that I hadn't had enough alcohol to be drunk. I called SL when I left and I seriously thought I was going to keel over and die while I was driving. Luckily I made it home, and everything was good once I was breathing normal air.

Last night GMc was supposed to come over but he didn't show up til 22:00 and I was upstairs and didn't hear him knock. He was only two hours late. I pretty much laid around all night because I was just feeling bummed.

So guess who has been calling me all week? MMA. He apologised for being a dick and apologised for avoiding me and apologised for being a drunk while we were married. I almost fell out of my chair. He said he's gonna give me a couple hundred bucks, so I hope that's true.

My birthday is soon!!

I stole it from St. Dickeybird and GG.

Dickeybird's A-Z with my answers:

A - accent: Cleveland with a touch of New Jersey.
B - breakfast: No thank you.
C - chore you hate: Laundry and cleaning cat boxes.
D - dad's name: Dennis.
E - essential everyday item: Cigarettes.
F - favourite food: Mexican.
G - gold or silver: Silver.
H - hometown: Northfield/Macedonia.
I - insomnia: Randomly.
J - job title: Senior Loan Processor.
K - kids: Want some.
L - living arrangements: Townhouse w/Sheeba, Mickey, Fox, and soon to be SL.
M - mum's birthplace: Cleveland, Ohio.
N - number of significant others you've had: Boyfriends? 20... but I've slept w/more than that. And I had one girlfriend in 1999. :)
O - overnight hospital stays: Never, except for when I was born
P - phobia: Clowns. *shudder*
Q - queer: eye for the straight guy.
R - religious affiliation: Catholic.
S - siblings: One little brother (SK.)
T - time I wake up: a lot... but I officially get out of bed at 08:45
U - unnatural hair colours I've had: Navy blue, Stop-sign red, Plum.
V - vegetable you refuse to eat: cooked carrots.
W - worst habit: fretting.
X - X-rays I've had: every single inch of my body has been x-rayed.
Y - yummy: SL. Also, sushi. No correlation.
Z - zodiac sign: Aquarius.

GG's A-Z with my answers:

A - Age you lost your virginity? 17

B - Birthday? February 1st
C - Can you drive? Yes.
D - Dads name? Dennis
E - Easiest person to make you laugh? SL
F - Food you eat most? Cheese
G - Any encounter with ghosts?Yes.
H - Hungry? Yes!
I- Interesting fact most people don't know about you? I fake this self-confidence and happiness
J- Jumped in a pool with all your clothes on? I was pushed.
K- Kissing with eyes open or closed? Either. But I like to catch SL looking at me
L- Last time you did something "bad"? I refuse to answer on the grounds I may incriminate myself.
M- Most memorable moment you can think of right now? Giving SL his christmas present, and me getting mine.
N- Nicknames? Kel, Toothy, Kitten, Kel-Bell
O- What's your most valued possession? The Bling I have rec'd from SL... that's all I can think of
P- Person you last talked to on the phone? Slammin' Steve
Q- Quote that you feel represents you right now: "Detours, Fences, I get defensive; I know you've heard it all before, so I won't say it any more."
R- R you allergic to anything? Tomatoes, Dairy, Grass.
S- Song you last sang out loud? "Voodoo" by Godsmack.
T- Time you woke up? 09:02
U- U like to sing soft or loud? Loud.
V-Vegetable you hate most? Cooked carrots.
W- What are you most afraid of? How I will die. Being dead is not the problem, it's how it happens that is scary.
X- rated love life? I'm trying to teach him...
Y- Yellowcard or Green Day? Greencard.
Z- Zodiac Sign: Aquarius!

10 January 2006

Tonight I'm getting drunk...

...Just so I don't have a fucked up dream.

Well last night's went like this: I'm on a vacation with some female friends of mine, we're going to Canada, and we're all on our periods. I don't know any of these girls in real life, some of them looked familiar, but who knows why, and seriously, is it possible to get a caravan of girls to all be in their moon time at once?! Anyway. We took a motorcycle brigade up through Ohio and across Lake Erie into Canada. Point Pelee National Park appeared to be our destination (FYI Canada's southern most point on Canada's mainland.) I had to ride in a sidecar with this lesbian and she drove so so fast and I was scared to death and by the time we arrived I had bugs stuck to my face and my teeth and eyelids and everything. We stayed on a boat in the middle of the Lake, and our bunks were so small. I could barely stand straight in mine, I had to scoot sideways and lay on my side just to fit. I'm not even *that* fat! It seemed like no one I was with liked me, and everyone was yelling at me the whole time or trying to get me to do chores or something dumb like that. I finally holed up in my little cupboard of a room and fell asleep. Then I woke up from the dream.

I give up.
But look at this cool thing I made!

09 January 2006

I have all these problems I don't know about.

Alright, let's recap my recent dreams and the recurring themes:

1) Pregnancy: New life, new project, creation.
2) Beaten or Beating: Loss of money.
3) Murder: Loss of control over a situation.
4) Husband: Partner, committment.
5) Boyfriend: Young power developing.
6) Death: End of a cycle. Something is finally over.
7) Train: Followers. String. Connections. Be aware of present changes in your life.
8) Fire: Spirit. Energy. Unpolluted and cleansing. Need to be inspired or renewed.
9) Darkness: Mystery. The unknown and unformed. A place of fear or of potential. Difficulties ahead.
10) Nighttime: Darkness. Mystery. Unconscious contents. There is a mystery that you want to penetrate.
11) Running: No restraint. Freedom. Distance. There is something that you want to escape from

Not sure what all this together means, but I guess we'll find out some day.

I think I need Ambien.

Last night I had a dream (oh yes, its one of those posts) that was by far the most fucked up dream I have had to date.

I lived in some sort of city apartment, bohemian style I suppose. It shared a walkway bridge with the apartment building next to me so we could go from building to building and not have to go all the way down to the sidewalk and then walk all the way up to whatever floor. We were all kinda hippie-ish living there, and then this goth kid moved in. He was creepy. He tried to get into everyone's business. Then one day he snapped. He was chasing his roommate, Corrine (don't know anyone named that in real life) through their apartment (across the walkway from me.) I saw him with a huge knife in his hand, and then Corrine was jumping out the window. By this time it was early evening, you know, the dusky time. Goth (he looked like a "Kevin" but I'm not sure) was on top of her, noticing that her neck was broken, and kept trying to slice her head off with this big kitchen knife. An older guy, in his sixties, came out of the bottom apartment with a chainsaw and tried to help. I just stood there screaming, because nothing they could do would snap her head off and she was hanging there by muscles and still alive and moaning. Then I woke up.

I think I might have a problem.

Just something I thought I would show you all.

Look at how I've changed!

Lazy Alcoholic Homosexual IV *or* The Wind Beneath My Wings

So it had gotten to the point where MMA and I are fighting every night. We fought over stupid shit, like who got the last beer, and we fought over totally ridiculous shit, like the Arab furniture entities that my former co-worker Trillia said were haunting our house. MMA constantly accused me of being crazy. I was crazy because I freaked out when we were in BFE Canada and had no Canadian money. I was crazy because I took Prozac. I was crazy because I took birth control pills. Anything I did that he didn't like or agree with or had never experienced, was crazy. We would start drinking, and get into these stupid song wars. We sat in the basement and listened to songs, and then a fight would ensue. He'd take off his wedding ring and tell me he was going to leave me (later he called this practice "tough love".) He would play a song telling me why. I would play one back. It would go on for hours. Sometimes I would try to break the anger by playing a nicer song, to try to make up. One night I made the mistake of playing "Wind Beneath My Wings."
That song was my thought of Megan. She was always there for me, always supporting me, but never asked for anything in return. I cried when the song was playing, and I called her to apologize for being such a bitch when MMA and I had been in Michigan. This pissed MMA off. He started screaming at me, telling me that this was the proof that she and I had been lovers. He even called his sister and brother and his step-father to tell them that he had heard the truth. I tried to explain to him what it really meant, but of course he wouldn't listen. It escalated into a huge fight and I think that was the first of thirteen times in the course of one year that I had to call the CPD to come to my house. He tackled me in the bedroom when I was trying to get away from him, and beat me on my back with the phone, unaware that 9-1-1 was on the line. They showed up and told us to stay away from each other, but didn't do anything else about it.

I can't listen to that song anymore without tearing up. It used to be one of my favorites.

08 January 2006

Seriously, I need Professional Help.

Last night I had a dream that I needed to go to the New Balance (tennis shoe) store on West Broad street. DS from work decided he would like to go with me because they had some things he wanted to look at. I was like whatever that's cool, so we headed out. Instead of the freeways being like Columbus's freeways, they were like Cleveland's, and I was L-O-S-T. We ended up in an area I recognised, and I stopped at a grocery store to ask for directions. They told me the way to go, which seemed completely wrong, but I followed it anyway. We got to a new area where my Gma'P lived (in the dream only) and I was like, "Well we may as well stop by because I have to feed her cats anyway." So we went in and we were hanging out and playing with her two cats and then I was changing the litter boxes and one of them fell over and another really ugly cat appeared. It looked like one of those pictures where they photoshop a human face onto a cat face. It was creepy and I was really scared of it. Well I was trying to get away from this creepy thing, DS was being all calm and smooth and I realised he was trying to 'seduce' me. This is very strange because in real life there are no romantic feelings, we both have boy/girlfriends, and I don't think either one of us is the other's type... Anyway. He was hugging me and saying lame stuff like, "I'll protect you, don't worry" and it was fairly cheesey. Somehow, he got my shirt unbuttoned and I was shocked, not only that he did it and I didn't notice but that I was wearing a red and white hawai'ian print bra. We ended up kissing and we were just about to bang on the washing machine when my Gma'P's garage door opened and she and about nine old ladies were getting out of the car and being really loud and so DS and I had to hide on top of the laundry shelves for almost an hour while we waited for her to go to bed. We left, never having actually had sex, and drove over to the New Balance store which ended up being only two blocks away. It was crazy.

The night before I had a dream that SL, RS, RD and I were all hanging out at RD's house in Florida. Instead of whatever her backyard actually backs up to in real life, it backed up to this huge trainyard. And I do mean HUGE. The trains were the height of buildings, probably three or four stories high, and about six miles long. They were black with eerie yellow lights and burned red on the inside from coal. The smoke stacks constantly blew out thick black smoke that made the air so dirty. But they weren't shaped like old-fashioned trains, they were shaped like the new Amtrak trains. Anyway, RS and SL had gone running across the backyard and into the trainyard. They nearly missed getting hit while crossing the tracks; The trains were not only big but they moved at about 600 mph, and were completely silent. RD wanted to follow them and I told her no, because there was no way we could make it across the tracks. She insisted and took off skipping. She made it across and I barely did too. We hid underneath these blecher-type things, and then we were discovered. This old guy who looked about 150 years old came over and he said we needed to leave because nobody was supposed to be here except conductors and if the "Big Man" found us out we'd be "in a world of trouble." I tried to get RD outta there, but she wanted to go the way SL and RS had gone. I ended up slinging her over my shoulder kicking and screaming and we ran across the tracks back to her back yard where SL and RS just happened to be waiting for us. I never found out where they had gone, or why, or anything. We walked back to her house and it faded out.

Fucking strange.

Pools of sorrow, waves of joy.

I'm so strung out I feel as if I have done about twelve lines of cocaine in an hour. However, the last time I even looked at coke was July 23rd 2005, so I know it can't be true. But I have the tickly head feeling, the hyper yet exhausted thing, the need to eat without the feeling of hunger. I'm not even ON anything!! Goddamnit.

I talked to MMA yesterday. He says he won't contest anything. This is good. However he is currently technically homeless because his girlfriend of seven months left him this week and he was living with her. So I don't know where to send his papers to be served. Oh well. We'll figure it out. He was actually civil, I appreciated catching him in an emotionally raw state of being.

Tonight I went to see O's band play at Eldo's. It was fuckin' great. I have a headache now though because I was sitting right in front of the speakers. That was sucky but I took like 953 pictures so those will be up on Monday. (I know I still need to put the other ones up, sorry.) I met O's little brother and Lady K showed up too, plus a few other folks. It was a fun time. I had a Bloody Mary made by John and a Harpoon Ale.

My head is killing me but I can't sleep. I almost feel like puking from this pain. I've had this headache since Thursday night. I don't know what it is. I'm thinking it may be the fact that I have gone out the last few nights, and I end up smoking a lot, whereas during the day I'm really barely smoking at all, and this causes a sort of nicotine hangover. Who knows. I'm tired of smoking cigarettes though. Today was the first day in about eight years that I have actually had the thought pass through my head "I want to smoke a joint" and it was weird because I never smoke pot and I don't like it really and I always turn it down. Oh well.

SL and I finally had the big serious conversation about who is going to move where, and I think we have it figured out. He will move here with me, because I have a job and a career and a life and everything already set up, and he doesn't really have any of that. We will live in Ohio for about a year, maybe more or less (depends on my lease term) and save our money and then move to New Jersey in 2007. It's better than me uprooting my whole life to move to Florida for a year and then move to Jersey in 2007. Why move twice if there is no reason? This all works out quite well and I am thrilled. SL seems to be too. He keeps talking about when he moves here in April. Hopefully the next plane ticket I buy is a one-way ticket from PBI to CMH! I'm worried though, because he lost his job again (not his fault this time, there was a miscommunication and no one told the upper mgmt that he was taking a vacation and he was marked as "no-show" and was promptly fired upon returning from Jersey.) I trust he will get one when he moves here, but I'm still worried because of what MMA did to me. I don't want to end up supporting another one. I really couldn't deal with that.

Pics soon. Shout out to Barbie for donating $1.00 to the Divorce Fund if I haven't already mentioned it. I only need $899.33 more to get the lawyer! Come on loyal readers! ;)

Late. Kel.

PS- I have this song in my head so here are the lyrics:


How do you cool your lips
After a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound of a voice
You’d know anywhere


Oh I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me you might have some advice to give
On how to be insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart it’s a crime
To fall in love again

Oh you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of vogue, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have some advice to give
On how to be insensitive


06 January 2006

Some forever, not for better

I don't know, I'm just listening to Johnny Cash. Deal.

Last night was by far one of the shittiest of all shitty nights to be had.

Started out generic, I came home from work an made some tacos, talked to Zara for a bit, watch CBS Nightly News with the new Scheefer guy (he's like 90 years old... weird...) and then painted a shitty looking painting while I talked to my mom and watched Jeopardy. T called and was like "Hey we're at Zuey's it's my birthday come out!" and since I was going to karaoke anyway I said sure no problem. I got to Zuey's at about 21:00 and sat w/T and KP and it was good. KL gave me a HUGE hug when I got there and I felt loved. I had a Miller Lite and two Natty Lite draughts and a Monkey Cum shot. It was all well and good, we talked about a ton of stuff and talked to these people who were from Bob Evans... not sure why we started talking to them but whatever lol they were nice. I wanted to go to Eldo's for karaoke so we headed over there around 23:00. It was d-e-a-d. No one I knew was there really except Spongey and Wolfy and Uncle Bob and of course Zara. I met her best friend A who happens to be super swell. I called GG and she was already on her way over. Moose came in shortly thereafter. Fuckin' Poke and that stupid bitch he fucked the week after we broke up were there too and Poke started out nice but when he saw me talkin to his woman he got mad or something and started flaunting her all around like "look what a great piece I have" even tho she's fat and ugly and D*Martin says I'm the hottest and smartest girl he's ever dated. Regardless, I was already in a foul mood and this just made me feel worse even tho I don't really care about him anymore I just hate it when people shove shit in my face. I called SL because I was upset and he got mad at me because he hates it when I go to Eldo's because I always get into some drama. I talked to him for awhile and it was just upsetting. I left and went to Zuey's for one more beer because I just didn't wanna go home and I talked to KL for awhile and it was okay. I talked to SL more when I got home and cried about all this stupid MMA stuff and I was very upset and I'm still upset today an I just don't feel like talking about it but let's put it this way, I need a fucking divorce.

Here are some pics of T, KP, and some other folks from The Zue. There will be more pics on the Photobucket later tonight.

When the Man Comes Around

And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder: One of the four beasts saying: "Come and see." And I saw. And behold, a white horse.

There's a man goin' 'round takin' names. An' he decides who to free and who to blame. Everybody won't be treated all the same. There'll be a golden ladder reaching down. When the man comes around.

The hairs on your arm will stand up. At the terror in each sip and in each sup. For you partake of that last offered cup, Or disappear into the potter's ground. When the man comes around.

Hear the trumpets, hear the pipers. One hundred million angels singin'. Multitudes are marching to the big kettle drum. Voices callin', voices cryin'. Some are born an' some are dyin'. It's Alpha's and Omega's Kingdom come.

And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree. The virgins are all trimming their wicks. The whirlwind is in the thorn tree. It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks.

Till Armageddon, no Shalam, no Shalom. Then the father hen will call his chickens home. The wise men will bow down before the throne. And at his feet they'll cast their golden crown. When the man comes around.

Whoever is unjust, let him be unjust still.
Whoever is righteous, let him be righteous still.
Whoever is filthy, let him be filthy still.
Listen to the words long written down, When the man comes around.

Hear the trumpets, hear the pipers. One hundred million angels singin'. Multitudes are marchin' to the big kettle drum. Voices callin', voices cryin'. Some are born an' some are dyin'. It's Alpha's and Omega's Kingdom come.

And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree. The virgins are all trimming their wicks. The whirlwind is in the thorn tree. It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks.

In measured hundredweight and penny pound. When the man comes around.

And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts, And I looked and behold: a pale horse. And his name, that sat on him, was Death. And Hell followed with him.

(Johnny Cash)

05 January 2006

Because Reason Says...

"Look - I find some of what you teach suspect, Because I'm used to relying on intellect; But I try to open up to what I don't know... Because reason says I should have died Three years ago... No other road, No other way, No day but today..."

Today officially marks the 3rd anniversary of me still being alive. Go me, I rule. It's also my mom's 5Xth birthday.

In 2003 my marriage was just falling apart. We hadn't even been married one year yet and I was already trying to think of ways to leave him. I had just started a new job at Jericho Mortgage Company (yes, the famous one.) I loved the job, even though the pay wasn't awesome but I sure wasn't going to complain because I had just lost my job with Countrywide. My boss was a guy in his mid-40's, ugly as sin, but very nice and very rich. Within a week, MMA accused me of having an affair with him.

Of course, like always, MMA had been up all night drinking but I was fairly sober by the time we started fighting because I had drank a bottle of wine and didn't want to open another. He on the other hand kept drinking beer after beer. It all started when I told him that he needed to stop drinking that night because he was already trashed and I poured one beer out. He lunged at me and I missed and he hit the counter, which pissed him off. We ended up in the living room at six o'clock in the morning screaming and yelling. Finally he called his sister and she came to rescue him and the dog. I threw our wedding photo at him, I threw the phone at him, I threw bottles and books and shoes and even our framed marriage license at him. I hated him.

I went upstairs and downed a 150 count bottle of extra strength Tylenol, five at time. It took about forty minutes because by the time I was on the last 15-20, my stomach was starting to get full. Of course I didn't swallow them with water, I used a large jug of Carlo Rossi Cabernet Sauvignon (the one that's bigger than a gallon.) When that was said and done, I waited about fifteen minutes and swallowed a bottle of Nyquil. I didn't think it would kill me, but I wanted out of this life and if I could at least be braindead, I would be happy. I attempted to slit my wrist but the thought of blood almost made me vomit and I didn't want that to happen so I stopped that attempt. Plus, it seemed like overkill (no pun intended.)
Around eight thirty, I called my friend RMac and told her I was having a bad day and that I loved her. Apparently she sensed something in my voice because after I hung up she called back a few times but I didn't answer because I was busy calling my mom, my friend JAFH, my old boss (strange reason for that but it meant something), and MMA's sister and mom's houses. I talked to everyone except MMA's family, I just left them messages.

I guess I passed out around eight forty five because I woke up being carried down the stairs in a blanket by the EMTs and the one closest to my eye had a watch that said 09:04. They carried me to the ambulance under the watch of the CPD, and when they laid me down and hooked me up they only realised I was conscious when I moved so they couldn't put a needle in my arm. They said that I was lucky that the CPD had decided to not press charges on me. I didn't know you could be arrested for attempting to commit suicide, but apparently you can. On the way to the hospital I floated in and out of consciousness, and the only thing I really remember is seeing my ex-boss's SUV parked in the cul-de-sac and he was running after the ambulance.

I woke up again in the hospital and my mom and RMac were there with a male nurse who strongly resembled my brother-in-law. He made them leave, and tried to get me to drink a cup of liquid charcoal. I got the first swallow down, but I couldn't get the second and yakked into a square bucket thing (whatever they're called, bedpans or something.) The nurse said that the only other option was to put a tube through my nose, down my throat and into my stomach. I told him that there was no way I could drink that crap, so I accepted the tube. I had to sign a release to let them do it. The tube was as big around as a coffee stirrer or a teeny little straw, not very big at all. It was fine going in my nose but once it hit the back of my throat it was yak city in there. Finally, it was over and the tube was all the way in my stomach. They hooked me up to a machine and pumped me full of charcoal liquid. I drifted in and out of consciousness for the next eight or nine hours. My ex-boss's wife came to visit me and talk to me about alcoholism, and tell me that if my husband was beating me she could help me with it. Neither one applied but I appreciated her kindness. When I finally came to and the staff did all their tests, they determined I was physically sound and I was given a psych evaluation.
This older lady came in and asked me a series of questions, and determined that I had had a nervous break down. I was told that I was being "asked" to report to NetCare for a mental health analysis, and if I didn't go within three days I would be arrested. They had a van waiting to take me, and I went. MMA had shown up at the hospital by then and went with me. The woman I talked to at NetCare said that she could tell it was my marriage that was destroying my mental health and advised me to get personal and marriage counseling. When I told this to MMA on the way home he flipped out, saying that I was the crazy one, not him, and we got into another fight, just fifteen hours after I had tried to kill myself.

If I had died that day, I would have been happy. Now that I have this life that I'm living at this very moment, I look back and feel sad that I feel/felt that way. I wouldn't give up anything for my family, my friends, SL, my job even... Sometimes I do wish still that I had died, to save me from this constant pain that I still feel because of MMA. Then I think about the good things I have - I have my family back, I have some great friends, I have SL who loves me very much. It's not worth it anymore.

I guess I was meant to be here, wherever it is that I am.

03 January 2006

Start Spreadin' the News...

I love my boyfriend.

Well let's see. This whole past week was fairly uneventful, as the few days between Christmas and New Year's usually tends to be. I really did nothing. The only eventful thing that happened before the weekend was that my ex-something-or-other, boyfriend I guess, called me up to go to karaoke. We had a wonderful time, hanging out at Eldo's with GG and Zara and him and his friend. They paid for the drinks nearly all night long, I bought one round, and it was just awesome. The only shitty part was when I got so trashed... not sure why or how, I think it was because of all the shots they kept buying for me... oh man. So finally I'm like "shit I don't think I'll be able to drive" and NC (the ex-whatever) said he would take me home if I couldn't and probably spend the night because he would take me back to my car in the morning. I was like hey great, so I called SL to let him know. He wasn't too thrilled about the idea, and I was like damn and he was pretty mad. But I ended up driving home with NC following me and he even called SL to let him know we had arrived safely and then he left. All in all, a great night even though SL was a little bitchy for a minute. I went to bed, and woke up with the worst migraine ever. I'm pretty sure I wasn't too hung over, just a little, but I did have this terrible migarine. I could barely function. NC and his friend came over later in the day and tried to offer me some beer... I totally refused. I slept most of the day and then when it came time to go to bed, I couldn't sleep. I really wanted to because I had to wake up at six a.m. to leave for Jersey, but I couldn't. It sucked.

So Saturday I woke up at 06:00 and showered and got ready and headed over to GG's around seven. We got on the road, like really on the road the freeway and all, around 08:00. We stopped twice for gas (I left C-bus w/ half a tank) and Wendell only had to pee once. Made it to Downington in about seven hours, it would have been less but all of a sudden it started sleeting out of nowhere and the roads went from fine to shitty in seconds. Then there were two accidents which slowed traffic down in addition to the road conditions. But it wasn't too bad. I dropped GG off with IH and headed to Jersey. I made it there in about two hours. I would have been there sooner if the mapquest directions weren't all jacked up. Technically I was in Rahway in an hour and a half, but I spent another thirty minutes driving in circles trying to find SL's house. It sucked, and was just the beginning of too much time spent in the car this weekend. When I finally got there, SL and his brother-in-law W met me outside. I was so happy to see SL. They fed me a White Castle and some cheese and chips, and handed me a beer and a mixed coconut drink. I felt loved.
I called my parents to let them know I had arrived safely, and all they had to say was that I was trying to kill my cats because Mickey had pneumonia and Fox almost had it and Sheeba was coughing. I was like what the hell because when I saw them last on Friday night it wasn't that bad. Mickey had a little bit of a stuffy nose and a slight cough, but the other two were fine. My dad is just bitching and yelling at me about how I owe them $500.00 now for the vet bill and how I am irresponsible and blah blah blah. (Turns out that Mickey had an upper respiratory infection on the verge of having pnuemonia and Fox had a slight upper respiratory infection and Sheeba had nothing.) So I had to listen to him bitch for like ten minutes and then I was like, "Glad to hear you're happy I made it safely. I'll be home Monday" and hung up. Then I called GG and told her I was there and it was good-dih.
We drank a couple more beers and then headed to the hotel where I gave SL his Christmas presents - some little cards I had colored and written quotes on and then the grand mamma of them all... Me in a bow. So it was really a red teddy type babydoll thing, but it was as close to a bow as I could get. He LOVED it. Truely. We spent some time at the hotel then and headed back to Aunt C's (where W and his kids and his ex live with her) but stopped for chinese food on the way. We got about ten pounds of food for $20.06 and that was awesome. We sat and drank some beers with W and then watched the ball drop. After that it was pretty uneventful, until this bitch called SL.
Every time I'm with him, she calls. It's like she knows. I'm not sure if I mentioned it or not, but when I was in Florida she called nine times in one day. I finally answered the phone and she said, "Is SL available?" and I said "nope" and hung up. She called him the next day and was like, "Who was that?" and SL said "My girlfriend" and I guess she hasn't called him since... until New Year's Eve. And he pissed me off because instead of saying "I'm with my girlfriend" or something, he said, "I'm going to bed I'll call you tomorrow." When I asked him who it was he just shrugged his shoulders, then W said, "Hey she asked you a question!" and I looked at SL and I was like, "It was Rebecca wasn't it?" and then I was mad. I was mad for about ten minutes until SL made me go outside with him and he called her and said, "I can't talk to you anymore because it makes my girlfriend mad" and she was bitching and I could hear her. I appreciated his effort but at the same time it was almost like when your mom says "I'm going to stand right here til you apologize!" and then you have to apologize because she's standing right there. Oh well. At least he tried. We left Aunt C's and headed back to the hotel, and fought a little bit more on the way, but we got over it by the time we were back.

The hotel was so loud. I called the front desk about six times because there were all these people in the hallway screaming and yelling and they didn't even stop until about 03:30. It was so irritating. We woke up around 09:30 on Sunday morning and headed to SL's brother and sister-in-law's house around noon. I got to meet all his nephews and niece (except one nephew) and eat real NJ pizza... it was limp. Like a really super flamer's wrist. But okay. SL gave my my christmas present, which happened to be a pair of Amethyst earrings that I just love! We hung out there for awhile and then started driving to Lyndhurst to meet SL's mom and so we could catch the bus to NYC. I met his mom and she was really nice, but we didn't get to talk much because she was at work and really busy. Hopefully I will get to meet her again soon and actually spend some time with her. We headed to this other hotel then to catch the bus to NYC, and this is where the weekend went bad-ish.
The whole weekend, SL drove. He scared me to death and I nearly had 12 heart attacks in addition to the fact that he had a very VERY bad sense of direction and he had no idea where anything was, for the most part. It would take an hour to get 20 minutes because he would go the wrong way like five times. So we're on our way to get the bus and he calls his brother to make sure of where to go. We ended up driving around for literally two hours. Turns out that at the intersection where SL called AL, all we had to do was turn right and it was two blocks down to the bus stop. I was so pissed. But we made the bus and it was fun riding there.

When we got to NYC I was just amazed. It was so busy and bright and crazy. I wasn't too impressed though, I guess I was just expecting so much more. And it's nothing like the TV shows I watch that take place in NYC, which I was expecting anyway, but I thought maybe there would be at least something I could recognise. Not so. I got my picture taken with a real NYPD Officer McDonald!

We went to Times Square, the Empire State Building, Chinatown (smells like fish), and Little Italy. It was all quite fun, except the restaurant, which was called Casa Bella and it's the worst restaurant I've ever been to and I'm going to call and complain later. Seriously. They did this stupid shit where they add the tip on for you... even for a party of two. That's bullshit. But I got to ride the subway and see all sorts of things I have never seen before, and I got to experience it all with SL and that was the best part, walking down the street with him holding hands and just being happy. It was great. Even though some shitty stuff happened, it was totally eclipsed by my happiness with SL.
We got back to NJ after riding the bus (the driver caught us trying to use Child Fare tickets even though I had made an "honest" mistake in buying the wrong ones) and we were just about at the hotel when K (W's ex wife) called and said Aunt C was waiting up for us, so of course we had to go back. Yeah, this 20 minute ride took another hour. When we got there Aunt C wasn't even up and K wanted SL to change her MySpace page and it seemed like a pointless trip. I was so irritated at this because I just wanted to sleep. But we drank a beer and then headed back to the hotel. It was alright.

We woke up at about 10:30 and I was so sad but this time I didn't cry. We checked out at noon and went over to Aunt C's again. We hung around there until it was time for me to leave at 15:00 and SL decided he wanted to go with me. W and K followed us in the van with their kids sto Downington, and we stopped at McD's and met GG and IH there. It was alright. GG and I got on the road about 19:00 and we were so silly the whole time, talking about all different things. I got in a stupid fight with my mom about the cats and my "money situation" again and it was irritating. She said I should have SL "out of my system now" and I didn't need to go to FLA or NJ or anything. That really pissed me off because when he was here they loved him. I'm sure she was just being a bitch and taking it out on SL but it was still wrong. GG and I talked about how we will be when we're old and I have one thing to say: "BRB I have to go find my dentures..." Hahahaha, sorry it's an inside thing GG and I came up with last night. The weather was pretty shitty driving home, lots of rain and fog. I dropped GG off around 01:45 and got home to my house about 02:00. When I unpacked my suitcase I found SL's keys in my suitcase... that wasn't awesome. I left him a voicemail saying I was home alright and finally fell asleep after finishing The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.

A good weekend. Go to the Photobucket to see more pics of NYC and SL.

New York! New York!