La mort est indéniable, amour, aussi bien.

Dupez-moi une fois, honte sur vous. Dupez-moi deux fois, honte sur moi.

Ok, so what happened Wednesday night... TM and MF came over and I fed them. MF did my dishes while TM did nothing. We went to Brewstir's to see Cat but they wouldn't let TM in because he doesn't have an ID. So, we went to The Jerk. I fucking hate The Jerk. The only time I ever went there in the past was either 1) for TV and his karaoke or 2) for VJ or WR or whoever from work who wanted to hang out. Well, TV was doing karaoke but I just wasn't feeling it. We went, I pouted, and spent $6 on 2 Miller Lites. I stood outside mostly, til MF convinvced me to come in and sing a song. Of course I ruled like always, but I wasn't into it. However, some yuppy guy patted me on the back and told me I was awesome. There were other yuppy boys who did like my "Swallows" shirt though. I just hate The Jerk because of the fucking Abercrombie & Fitch polo shirt backwards hat saggy jeans wearing shaggy headed yuppy driving mom's Beamer. Not my scene.

After that I wanted to go to Zuey's and since I was driving and paying, TM couldn't complain. The place was empty when we got there. I ordered 2 shots of Jim Beam for them and a Cherry Bomb for me and a pitcher of Bud Light. They played darts while I talked to KL. I felt a bit sad, because I was just thinking of how much I love them, but it seems sometimes like they don't love me back the same way, I mean equally. On the way home we were talking and they were going on and on about how much they love their wives and I'm thinking to myself "Are you serious, Clark?!" After their wives cheated on them so many times, after all the ridiculous arguments, the jail time that both of them have done. I cannot comprehend how they could want to still be with their wives! The women have MOVED ON. Must be real true love to have feelings like that, and I suppose I just haven't felt that kind of love ever for real. Made me feel very very sad, thinking that I have been through all these relationships and never experienced true love. Maybe with Victor I did, but I'll never have that opportunity again.

When we got home I made them hamburger helper and we chilled. I was sleepy so I headed up to bed, and assumed MF would follow (he has bed privledges.) He did, and TM was like "Oh fine I'll sleep on the couch." So I jokingly told him to come sleep with MF and me. He did. The three of us crammed into my queen sized bed and it wasn't terribly uncomfortable. I stayed warm all night that's for sure. In the morning I left for work and let them sleep, and when I stopped by for lunch TM told me that he had opened his eyes expecting to see me and instead was face to face with MF. I found that hilarious.

Thursday MF and TM and I went to Zuey's. We did a Goldie shot and split a pitcher of Natty Light. After that we headed over to Eldo's for karaoke, which was alright, but I had left my card at Zuey's so I couldn't drink. I sang "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks for the first time. I rocked, of course. GMc was there and I talked to him a little bit. Big J showed up just as I was leaving. I pretty much flitted around Eldo's, between GG and Moose, Mr. Happy and GMc, and TM and MF. When I got back to Zuey's B* and J* (SB's friends) were there. That was just wonderful.

Here comes the emotion.

So I'm talking to them and B* is like asking me if I would give them blow jobs and I'm like, "Well, I'm not really in the habit anymore of fucking my fuck buddy's friends. I did that for awhile and it got confusing, so now I can't. Besides, I would be fucking his friends and his brother and that would just not be cool on my part." J*'s jaw dropped, and he asked if I meant NB. I asked him if he had another brother I didn't know about, and he said no. So I told him yes, it was NB, and I was surprised they didn't know because SB knew and seemed taken aback by it when I told him. B* said we should call SB and NB and just have a brother love orgy. I smacked him in the arm. They wanted to check out Eldo's then, so we walked over and it was funny because I actually walked in when it was my turn in the rotation again. I sang, Jimmy Eat World "The Middle" and rocked, of course. I was a little upset because TM and MF were supposed to be hanging out with me and they never came back to Zuey's. I figured they were getting free drinks from someone, so I just let it be. B*, J*, and I walked back to Zuey's after my song. We sat and chilled for a minute and then B* was like, "so whatever happened to you and SB?" I kinda looked at him in a dumb way, and told him that I wasn't going to explain it. Well apparently according to them, SB talks about me all the time. Wonders why I don't call him anymore, shit like that. Fuck that. I am not going to care. Too fucking upsetting to try and think about SB thinking about me. And if he's that desperate for me, he can fucking pick up the phone and call me himself. Growl.

I went back to Eldo's after awhile and finished out the night there. I kissed everyone. I kissed GMc and MF the most. I was in a kissing mood because, well, kissing is fun. Poke was there with some friends and of course the damn girl, and when she was in the bathroom I actually talked to him a little bit. He had a cute friend named D* Martin and we talked and made jokes and it was interesting. Also the boy from the other week was there and we talked a little bit too. By the end of the night, I still wasn't drunk but I sure was tired. D* Martin was leaving with Poke and his friends, but he was still in the bar, so I ran in to get him. As he was about to walk out the door he grabbed me around the waist, pulled me to him, and actually french kissed me. That was fucking weird. I walked out and I was definitely ready to leave.

TM, MF, and GMc wanted to go to Hounddogs, but I didn't. I just wanted to go home because I was tired and I was a bit upset with TM because he told me that he had taken a percoset. He's on probation and he's not allowed narcotics without a prescription, not to mention that it was the fucking pills that made him turn bad in the first place. I was upset because I was concerned about him and also because he told me, he promised me, that he would change, and I was stupid enough to believe him. I don't know why I gave him another chance. Anyway, GMc got me calmed down and convinced me to go to Hounddogs with them. I was not happy and I was not having a wonderful time. I ate some stuff though, to try and keep me awake, and it didn't work. There were a few times when I went out to smoke and really thought about leaving them there. I couldn't bring myself to do that to Mike though. Plus TM had brought some chick along with us and I didn't want her to have to drive way back up to my place to drop him off. So, I stayed. Almost fell asleep at the table, but stayed.

So, we're leaving, and I'm literally falling asleep standing up. TM keeps chatting up this girl and I'm like "Hey buddy, I have a real job. I need to go." So I walked to the car and pulled up to where they were standing and waited for them to get into the car... Waited and waited and waited, and then saw TM and GMc walk the girl to her car. MF came over and he's like, "TM told me to put you on ice" which pissed me off because that was just fucking rude. He knew I had to go to work in the morning and it was like he just didn't care. Finally he got in the car and we took off. On the way, I expressed my anger over the situations, and TM just lost it. He started going off about all he wants to do is kill his wife and everyone she knows and so on. I yelled at him to stop fucking talking about that shit and what happened to changing and becoming a better person and he went off on me then, saying why didn't he just kill me too for being on her side while he was in the workhouse and so on. We were on the ramp from North Broadway to SR 71 when I slammed on the breaks and pulled over. I told TM to get the fuck out of the car, and he did. I drove away.

I was up until about 7:15am dealing with this bullshit, TM kept calling me and going off on me and it was just ridiculous. He would threaten me one minute then tell me he loved me and would never hurt me the next. I told him it was over.

I think it might really be.